by London James
And that’s on me.
Chapter Eighteen
Everly
I wake up the next morning with swollen eyes from crying all night. Rowan and I haven’t spoken a word since he pulled out of me last night and said it was just a mistake. So many thoughts ran through my mind after he did that.
Did he really even want me yesterday? Or was all that amazing sex just an opportunity for him to get back at me?
Because it worked. He has succeeded at breaking me. He got what he wanted. Payback is a bitch—I get it. It’s cruel. I’ve never considered him a cruel man, but what he did was cruel. I know what I did to him was wrong, and maybe I made him feel used and alone, but it was never to be vindictive.
I was scared. Afraid of ruining our friendship. And I ended up ruining it anyway. I never said it was smart, but I was just a kid. I didn’t know any better. Did I deserve what he did to me?
Yes. In hindsight it made sense, but how much longer do I have to deal with his anger and frustration? I can’t do it anymore. Tears spring to my eyes again, and an ache between my legs makes me sigh in pain as I roll out of bed. I’m not crying because it hurts, I’m crying because of why it hurts.
I press the palm of my hands to my eyes and take a few deep breaths. I can do this. I can make it through today, and after we find our parents, it’s official, I will never see or talk to Rowan again. We are history. It’s time I move on. This self-abuse, this torture of pining over someone I can never have, is not only getting pathetic, but it is sad. I have other things in my life to worry about than always fretting about Rowan.
I get out of bed and stretch and thank whoever for small favors, for giving the penthouse another bathroom. I don’t want to go anywhere near that master suite. I want to stay away, as far away as I can from Rowan Michaels.
Until I look out the window and see the snow-covered mountains with fresh flakes falling. I’ll have to be with him when we go with the search party today and look for our parents, but I’m still going to stay as far away as possible.
I stroll over to the shower and do my business. When I’m dressed, I make sure I lace up my boots nice and tight. They come all the way up to my knees. The perfect winter boot. They are a bitch to tie, but at least I’ll be warm.
Once that is done, I French braid two ponytails and tie them together in the back. I don’t bother with makeup. I’m not trying to impress anyone, and since we will be hiking today, there is no need for it. I’ll just sweat it off anyway.
I wrap a few scarves around my neck, my pink fluffy earmuffs that Blaire got me, and grab my big, puffy coat.
“Good morning,” he says.
“Are you ready?” I ask, not wanting to waste time. Last night only happened because it was so late, and they had started to close everything down. We weren’t allowed to leave the resort, or I would have been out there looking for our parents. Instead, I put myself into this situation.
Go fucking me.
“Yeah, just let me grab my coat.”
I don’t really care if he needs to grab his coat. I don’t need him to meet up with the search and rescue party. I grab my key card and walk out of the room, pressing the button to the elevator. And so help me god, if this metal deathtrap leaves me trapped with Rowan again, I’m going to write a letter to whoever owns this resort and give them a piece of my mind.
The doors slide open, and I step in. Peaking my head out between the doors, I don’t see Rowan, so I press the button to close them.
“Hey! Wait up,” he shouts.
Yeah, no.
The doors close right as he gets in front of them, and I smirk. I press the button to the lobby and hum as the elevator takes me down. It can shut down now for all I care. I’m alone. I should feel bad for leaving Rowan behind—this is a search for our parents after all—but I don’t. I don’t need him to hold my hand while we search.
A ding sounds, and the door parts, revealing the lobby of the resort. The thick red carpet cushions my heavy boots as I stride into the lobby. There are police everywhere, along with a few other people possibly volunteering their time for the search. It makes tears come to my eyes.
A team of search dogs sit next to their master, waiting for a command, ready to search and save a life. When I stand in the circle, one of the officers gives me a sad smile before walking over to me.
“You must be Everly?” he asks.
“I am,” I shuffle on my feet.
“I’m sorry you’re here for this and not vacation.”
“We would have come no matter what. Wouldn’t we, Everly?” Rowan’s angry voice interrupts my conversation with the handsome officer.
“Of course. Officer?” I hold out my hand to introduce myself formally.
“Officer Kendall, but you can call me Josh.”
“Josh, this is my stepbrother, Rowan Michaels. His father is also with my mother.” I make sure to emphasis the ‘step’, just to piss Rowan off.
“We will do our best to find them. I know this can’t be easy for you. Since you are both here, we will get the rescue started.” He whistles, gathering everyone’s attention with the loud, piercing whistle. Everyone’s conversations quiet down, and they stare at Josh.
“This is Everly and Rowan. The children of the couple we are looking for today. It’s going to be cold, windy, and the snowstorm is coming, so snow will start to fall from the outer bands of the storm. It’s going to be dangerous. You have to make sure you’re ready because anything can happen on these mountains. Safety first. We don’t want any more people lost out there. If you don’t want to search, it’s okay.” He stops speaking, waiting for anyone to leave the group.
Everyone stays put, though. And Rowan’s hand lands on my shoulder. I shrug it off, not wanting him to touch me. I want us to find our parents, and then I only want to see him if necessary, and there is no way to avoid it.
“Alright, everyone. Pair up and let’s roll out. Everly, you’re with me,” Josh says.
“I don’t think so,” Rowan interjects.
“Oh, I’ll be fine. Why don’t you pair up with someone else?” I give him a look that says I don’t want to be anywhere near him.
“Now is not the time for this shit, Everly,” he says through locked teeth.
“Then stop and go. I’m fine Rowan. I just want to find them already. Isn’t that why we’re here? Wouldn’t want to make any mistakes,” I spit, right before turning on my heel and following Josh out the doors.
A cold burst of wind hits me in the face, waking me up. I wouldn’t have been able to guess that it is morning because the thick, heavy clouds block the sun. The snow is already starting to fall, and the wind seems like it’s going to be monstrous and unforgiving, already chapping my lips.
Damn, and I don’t think I brought chapstick. I stare out into the menacing mountain in front of me. Since the clouds are so dark and grey, it casts an eerie feeling over the situation. I feel as though I’m staring at death. The darkness is laughing at me by howling in the wind as it whips around me. My breath freezes, but it doesn’t linger long from irate mother nature taking it from me.
“Are you ready?”
I turn my head over to Josh as he stares at me with worry. “I don’t think I’ll ever be ready to look for my mother. She’s lost on that mountain, probably cold, if not already dead.” The truth leaves my mouth so quick; I can’t stop it.
The severity of the situation hits me hard. The truth churns my gut as if I’m in a cauldron, and it’s spinning its poison. My hand flies to the twist in my stomach, and tears brim my eyes. The chances of my mother being alive are slim. I probably won’t see her again. My mind has been preoccupied with Rowan, and an ember of a flame stayed lit for Mom and his father, but now that I’m here, staring at the maniacal mountain, standing tall, towering over me, showcasing its strength…
The sky is dark.
Thunder and snow rumble in the sky, flashing a bolt of lightning through the black clouds. Snow starts to fall. It’s the only
thing bright against the sinister view in front of me. The cold flakes touch my heated cheeks, but it does nothing to cool me down.
“Everly?” Josh asks, placing his hand on my shoulder as I put my head between my knees to try and breathe.
I just need to breathe.
“Someone get me some oxygen!” he yells when he notices that my breathing has turned to something else.
I’m hyperventilating.
“I can’t do this,” I choke. Tears fall freely down my face, melting the snow at my feet. “I can’t lose my mom,” I cry. “I can’t lose her too.” Everything sways. My vision blurs. My head is weightless.
“Take a deep breath,” Josh instructs me. “Breathe.”
I nod and try to inhale the best I can. My lungs stutter, but with every breath, I feel better.
“Hey! What’s going on? Everly! Get away from her,” Rowan pushes through the crowd, almost knocking Josh over. He kneels on the icy ground and cradles my face with his hands. His thumb brushes the tear falling down my cheek as he stares directly in my eyes, like he cares.
Part of me knows he doesn’t because he’s an asshole. But part of me knows he does because he’s my Rowan.
“I know,” he whispers. His eyes well with salty fluid next, but nothing falls. “I know this is scary. It doesn’t look promising. I have faith. They are strong.”
The medics finally arrive with an oxygen mask, who help me put it on. I hold the mask to my face, trying to get as much of the free-flowing oxygen as I can. Once I’m calm, I take it off and hand it back to the EMT who gave it to me. “Thank you. I’m sorry. I feel so stupid.”
Josh kneels next, and he takes my hand with his. I don’t miss how Rowan slides his eyes to the side, watching the stranger comfort me. “Don’t ever apologize. This isn’t an easy situation. I don’t expect it to be easy. It’s good you know the reality of the situation. If you didn’t, you wouldn’t need this mask, and you wouldn’t be crying. It’s okay to feel fear when we are facing fear itself.” He squeezes my hand, and I automatically compare it to Rowan’s. It’s lighter, Josh’s fingers are softer, which is odd because he is a police officer and Rowan works inside. It would make sense for it to be opposite.
I take a glance at Rowan to see his jaw twitch. I don’t see why he cares. Whatever it is between us is just a mistake. So, I squeeze Josh’s hand back in appreciation, “Thank you, Josh. I’m sorry. My mom is all the family I have left, my dad died when I was younger, so losing her too, the thought is…” I can’t even find the words to explain how awful the thought of living my life without my mom is. She’s my best friend.
“I know,” he nods, sapphire eyes gleaming with nothing but earnest. “You ready?” he asks, helping me to my feet.
Rowan stands to the side, clenching his fists. “We need to get going. Why don’t you and I pair up, Everly?”
“I’m okay with Josh, thanks.”
Rowan doesn’t seem happy, but he gives a curt nod. “Take care of her,” he growls, before turning around and stomping away to stand next to his partner for the search.
“Nice guy,” Josh says with a click of his tongue. “I have a feeling there is a story there.”
“It isn’t worth telling,” I mumble, wiping the extra snow off my gloves. “Let’s get going. I have a feeling this storm isn’t going to wait for us.”
He tilts his chin down in agreement and whistles again to grab everyone’s attention. “Let’s go!” he shouts.
The search and rescue dogs bark as they pull against the already tight leashes, trying to break free to do what they do best: rescue.
All of us climb into separate vehicles. There are about ten of us, and with everyone paired up, we are in five trucks. The dogs are in the back, along with another officer just in case the dogs jump out mid ride, if they find something.
I lean my head against the window, staring out at the vast space my mother is lost in. The snow hits the truck, and it looks like we are driving through a tunnel of white. I can’t see anything. I don’t know how Josh can see out the window right now.
“We’re going to start with the west side of the mountain. Those are the trails beginners take, but there are certain parts that are dangerous. After that, we will call it a day and start again tomorrow.”
I snap my head to the left. “What do you mean, you will ‘call it a day’? My mom is out here. We can’t just abandon them out here when we get there,” I argue. “I’m not leaving her. You can leave without me. I’m staying.” I’m starting to get hysterical. My voice is high-pitched, and those damn tears come again.
He grabs my hand again, but this time, it feels different. Not for me, but the way he is holding me. There isn’t pressure as people do to send comfort, but it’s soft as he lays his fingers over mine.
And leaves them there.
Oh god, what have I gotten myself into?
“It’s dangerous for us to be out here later. You would be risking your life. If you decide not to come back, I will forcefully remove you.”
I swallow the lump in my throat. The threat is real. He isn’t being sexual or flirting. The clenched jaw speaks for itself.
“It’s my mom,” I whisper, arguing weakly.
“I know it is, but your mom won’t want you to put yourself in danger or harm’s way. You have to take emotion out of it and think logically. I know that’s hard to do, but that is the only way we will find your mom. Emotion won’t work here.”
I slump against the heated leather seat and cross my arms. I know he is right, but it doesn’t make it hurt less. I don’t say anything in return. I just stare out the window, watching the headlights eat the snow-covered roads. I wonder how Rowan is doing. He seems more sensible than I am right now.
The blinker turns on, and we take a sudden left. The dirt road leads up a steep hill. The ground is covered with a blanket of snow. No tracks that I can see. Everything is undisturbed and quiet. The creaking of the metal frame surrounding the truck is the only thing that can be heard along with the crunch of the snow pressing into the ground because of the tires.
“We questioned surrounding guests at the hotel to see if they knew where your parents were, but no one knew exactly where they went. They all said, ‘hiking on a mountain’. I don’t want you to worry, not yet.”
“It’s been three days, Josh. The chance of them being alive is slim. You know it, and I know it; you’re just trying to find bodies now. No one can survive this cold weather long.” I mutter and open the door before the truck comes to a full stop. I need out of the cab of the truck with this guy, and I need him to stop touching me. Right now, I don’t know if it is to console me or something else.
Emotionally, I’m not in the right mindset to decipher it right now. I want to concentrate on finding my mom and that’s it. My boots hit the ground with a soft thud, since the snow breaks my fall. Four more trucks line up behind us, and Rowan is the first one out of the vehicle next in line.
“Are you okay?”
I sigh, exasperated from his back and forth. “I’m fine, Rowan. Go find someone that isn’t a mistake and worth your time. I’m done here.”
I walk around the front of the truck, and Josh jumps out from the driver’s side, zipping up his Denver Police Department-issued jacket. If I wasn’t blinded by Rowan and his ‘Rowan-ness’, I would think Josh is a good-looking guy.
And he takes control of situations, which is really attractive. “Okay, I want us to split up in two groups of five. Anything smaller risks people getting lost or injured without help. So, stay together. Keep your radios on for check-ins every fifteen minutes. The snow gets bad this high on the mountain.” Josh pulls a ski mask over his face, and I do the same with my pink one. He smiles at me and shakes his head. “You ready?” he asks.
“What?” I ask, wondering what is so funny.
“Nothing,” he shakes his head, but the smile doesn’t leave his face.
“Alright, let’s do this,” Rowan says, walking ahead of Josh like he is t
he leader.
“Can’t you go with the other team, Rowan?” I ask, not bothering to hide the disdain in my voice.
“My stepsister is going with people I don’t know. Of course, I’m coming.” He emphasizes the word ‘step’ like I did earlier, knowing it means nothing to us, but it is fuel to add to the fire, nonetheless.
I curl my lip at him, ready to spew hot, red flames of anger when Josh walks in between us and points ahead. “See the break between the trees? That’s the trail we want to go on. If you see any broken trees, limbs, plants, or any type of disturbance, let me know.”
I glance around the forest. Snow covers the leaves. All I can think about is how my mom’s dead body looks with snow on it. I gulp and try to clear the image out of my head. It isn’t easy. Not when I see logs laying around everywhere, and I have to do a double-take to make sure it isn’t our parents.
Chapter Nineteen
Rowan
We enter the penthouse around seven at night. Everly tosses her wet jacket and scarves on the floor and whips off her pink ski mask. I know the situation is dire, but she looks so adorable in that mask. I can’t voice that, though because ever since I said what I said last night, she’s withdrawn herself from me.
It’s what I wanted, isn’t it?
Then, why in the hell is it bothering me so bad?
“They are out there, Everly.”
She doesn’t say anything to me, just ignores me as she slams the door to the bathroom, leaving me in the tension-laced air. I let out a heavy breath while unwrapping the scarf from around my neck. I walk over to the fireplace and turn the electric logs on to heat the place. I lay out our wet clothes on the floor, hoping the fire will help dry them, but since it isn’t a wood burning fireplace, I’m not sure how well it will work.
I turn my head toward the bathroom and sigh. I don’t remember a time where she and I have been so many worlds apart. It’s hard to believe that ten years ago, we were practically attached at the hip. Now, I barely know the woman in the other room.