Coming Back Home
Page 7
Okay, they had been more clutching for their lives there when Rosa had opened her eyes. But still, it hadn’t been something Jack had been prepared for. He’d kept waiting to wake up, waiting for something to drag him back to the painful reality, but it hadn’t happened. Connor had been more earnest and open than Jack had ever seen him, and Rosa… Rosa was a beautiful baby who looked like her father. There had been none of the resentment Jack had been so afraid of. He’d been scared, but it had been different from what he’d thought it would be. It had been more ‘What am I going to do with you, now?’ than anything else. It had also been a ‘My heart won’t be able to take it’ kind of fear, and Jack had realized he wasn’t even going head first. He was drowning and there was nothing he could do about it. He’d wondered if this was how a parent felt, then he’d told himself to get a grip, because he was jumping the gun so fast on this one that he was getting whiplash.
And he knew what he had to do, but the mere idea filled him with a different kind of fear, so he’d dragged it out as long as possible. He was grateful that Mom B was out of town until very late, because there was no way it would work otherwise. She’d have him in her office three minutes after he’d said goodbye to Connor. As it was, he’d managed to get through the rest of the day at work, go home, eat dinner with Mom A, Taylor and Kevin, and have a normal conversation at the table. He was sure they’d all noticed he was off his game, but no one had commented on it. They were probably happy he didn’t seem so sad anymore.
After the kitchen had been cleaned and Taylor and Kevin had retired to their room, Jack was out of excuses. Mom A was telling him something about a movie that was about to start, but she stopped when he turned from putting the covered dish in the fridge and looked at her. They stared at each other for a long moment until he finally gathered enough courage.
“I need to talk to you about something.”
She nodded. “Okay. Here is fine?”
Jack was about to nod but then thought there was always a chance of Taylor or Kevin coming down for something to drink and he shook his head. “Living room, maybe?”
They relocated and when they were about to sit on the couch, she pulled him into a hug. It wasn’t particularly shocking. Their whole family was pretty open with physical affection, but still, Mom A didn’t hug them all that often. Jack hugged her back, though, and he could feel himself relax. He was never sure if it was her Alpha-power or Mom-power, but it worked and that was what counted to him.
“Now, tell me.”
He had no idea where to start. He also wasn’t sure if talking to her was really the best idea, but it wasn’t like he knew a lot of people whose situation was even a little similar to what he was going through now. Even if he was jumping the gun, he felt that he needed to know what he was facing before it was too late.
Mom A sighed and rubbed her forehead. “It’s about Connor, isn’t it?” It was more a statement than a question.
“Somewhat related, yes. But more about you, actually.” Jack knew he was stalling but he couldn’t find the right words. “You and Mom started”—he waved a hand—“dating, or whatever, after Julia and I were born, right?” She just nodded, so Jack pushed through. “And how did you feel about that? About us being…you know, biologically someone else’s, too.”
Mom A narrowed her eyes. “‘Somewhat related…’ Are you kidding me?”
“Mom.”
“We should be having a completely different conversation right now.” She crossed her arms. “I can show you how that would go. You’d say, ‘Mom, Connor tried to talk to me today, but I told him where to stick it.’ And I’d say, ‘Great. I’m glad you’re done with him.’ Then we would—”
“I get your point.” Jack pulled one leg under him on the couch. “But we’re not having the conversation you want.”
She sighed. “Clearly. And I don’t know how you went from locking yourself in the office to this.”
“I’m not sure, either,” he admitted. “But I did, and now I need advice, okay? And it wasn’t easy to say, so while I understand that you’re not happy about it, can we leave that for later? I need help right now, not a lecture.”
For a moment, she seemed like she was going to protest, anyway, but finally, she let out a deep breath and sagged against the cushion.
“Okay, fine. To answer your question, I didn’t much care you weren’t biologically mine. Sure, given a choice, I’d like you to be, but it’s more… in my head than in my emotions. Because in here”—she pointed her thumb at her chest—“you couldn’t be more mine if you tried.”
Jack smiled at her and straightened his leg to nudge his mother. “Love you, too.”
“I know.” She caught his leg and squeezed his ankle.
“So, no resentment? No anger? No thinking, ‘Half their DNA is this asshole’s. What if they grow up like him?’”
“What? No!” She sat up straighter. “Do you—?”
“You think Mom B ever felt like this?” It escaped him before he could swallow it down and he cursed himself in his head.
Mom A stared at him with a frown. “You think your mom resented you? For what?”
“I have to look at least a little like him,” he said quietly. “I don’t know, maybe I do something in a similar way or my ears are like his, or whatever. I don’t really care.” Jack had never cared. He didn’t even know what his biological father looked like, because he’d had never considered him family. But maybe there was something his mother saw.
“Maybe you do, I don’t know. But even if you looked just like him, that wouldn’t be a reason to resent you.”
“How do you know?”
“I just do.”
Jack was the one who sagged against the cushions now. This wasn’t getting him anywhere. And it wasn’t like Mom A could really answer that for Mom B.
“So you’ve never seen me and thought of him?” he tried once again and this time she grimaced for a split second. “You did.” He crossed his arms.
“Not in the way you think, and not in the way I should share with you, but letting you believe some bullshit is way worse.”
Jack raised his eyebrows, surprised by the vehemence, but at least he could see she was being honest.
“There were a few times—a few, throughout all those years, so don’t you go thinking it’s some common thought or whatever—when I saw you or Julia and thought about how glad I was he was nowhere near you. And how I would bring all the wrath I have if he’d ever tried to bother you.”
“That’s it?” Jack frowned. “What’s bad about that?”
“I never wanted you to know how furious I was at him.”
“Mom, there’s a reason Julia and I have never really asked about him. We know… Maybe not everything, but enough. And we don’t want anything to do with him. If he’d ever shown up, you’d have had to stand in line to get to him.”
She shook her head, but he could see she was amused now. “Oh, no, I called dibs before you knew how to talk.”
He snorted. “Fine.” Then he grew serious again. “But that’s it? Really?”
“Yeah. But listen.” She leaned closer to him. “Your situation’s different. Your anger or resentment—or whatever you feel or are afraid to feel—aren’t really aimed at the mother who’s not even there. They’re aimed at Connor.”
Jack wanted to interrupt, but she gave him a look that had been turning him mute ever since he’d been four.
“You should deal with your emotions somehow, regardless of whether you and Connor ever…become anything again or not. It will help you. Don’t bottle it up and wait until it goes away, because that usually ends badly. You have the right to be angry and hurt.”
“Do I?” Jack winced and turned away. He didn’t want to say that, especially not to his mother, who already had her mind made up about Connor.
“Yes, you do. Yes, he fathered that child when you were no longer together, but since you had never managed to drag him out of here”—she poked him in the chest—
“you feel betrayed.”
“But I can’t…” Jack said. “There are other things he did that I can be mad about, but this? He didn’t cheat. He didn’t do anything wrong.”
“But doing things right doesn’t always mean no one will get hurt. And your feelings still count. As long as you don’t expect him to tell you he’s sorry—”
Jack shook his head. “I don’t.” Connor adored Rosa. He’d never be sorry about her being born, and Jack didn’t want him to be. It was weird and confusing, but it was the truth.
Mom A smiled. “That’s good. That will make things easier.”
“I’m not sure anything about this will be easy.”
“Maybe not.” She shrugged, grasping his hand. “And Moon knows I’d prefer you to kick Connor’s ass out and never look at him again. But your mom and I predicted it the moment we learned he’s back in town, so I can’t say I’m surprised.”
Jack’s first reaction was to protest, but since they had been right, he couldn’t really do much. He sagged back against the cushions again.
“Before today, I’d been calling her ‘the baby’ in my head and I ran the other way whenever there was a chance to see them,” he admitted, circling back to his point. “I’d thought I’d see her and every ugly thing I had ever thought about would just burst out of me.”
“But it didn’t,” she said quietly, reaching out to run a hand through his hair.
“No. The first time was more like an accident, and we were both in wolf form.” He winced. “That was just…painful. There was this beautiful little pup and he had her because he wasn’t with me.” His voice turned scratchy and raw somewhere in the middle of the last sentence and he swallowed. “I wasn’t angry. I was just…sad.”
“Everyone would be sad,” his mom whispered, her hand still in his hair.
He nodded. “And today we talked, Connor and I, then I went out to see her and it wasn’t bad at all. Well, not in the way I was afraid of.”
She scratched the back of his head just like she used to, when Jack had been little. “In what way, then?”
He bit his lower lip before shrugging. “I’m already attached. I was just hoping to not fall into a rage or something, but I just… I went and got attached.”
“Oh, Jack.” His mother sighed. “You can never pick the easy way, can you?”
“Not sure there is one, in this case.” Every scenario he’d run through his head had been hard. Some had just been worse than others.
“Maybe not,” his mother muttered before pulling him to lean against her side. “I should’ve shipped you off somewhere away from here the moment he came back.”
Jack shrugged. “Yeah, well… Not sure if it would have helped.”
“Probably not.”
They fell into silence, but as Jack stared at the wall, he realized he did feel better. All he had to do now was hold on and do his best.
Chapter Ten
Coming out to the clearing the next morning was different from the day before, but everything had felt different to Connor since then. The talk with Jack and the time they’d spent together with Rosa made him feel as if he’d finally got his legs under him—as if he’d regained the balance he’d lost a long time ago.
Rosa smiled when she saw the clearing, bouncing a little in her carrier. They were the first out there and Connor busied himself with setting up their things and undressing Rosa, leaving only her diaper on, so she could shift without destroying more clothes.
She did it almost as soon as he put her on the grass. She yapped excitedly, tugged with her teeth on the leg of his pants, then ran away when he nudged her. He sat down to watch her and noticed how much better she was doing already. Her legs didn’t seem to tangle so much, so she fell less, and she didn’t look at him every couple of seconds. She still checked to make sure he was there from time to time, but, mostly, she was just having fun.
Connor was the one glancing back now. His kept turning his gaze to the trees, checking to see if Jack was coming. They’d agreed yesterday to meet out here, but what if Jack had changed his mind? What if he’d decided he didn’t want to do any of it—meeting, spending time with the two of them, trying to see where this could go? What if Jack’s family had found out about yesterday and they’d talked him out of it? Connor knew how protective the Harrington family could be. It was one of the reasons he’d honestly thought he had no interest in going to the Alpha for help after he’d come back. He had been sure they weren’t going to support Jack in giving him another chance.
Less than fifteen minutes after he and Rosa had come out here, Connor was half-convinced that Jack wasn’t going to show up. Rosa must have sensed his sudden sadness, because she ran back to him and crawled onto his lap to rub her head against his stomach, making him smile.
“Thanks, sweetie,” he said, brushing his hand over her fur.
He heard a noise to their left a moment later and they both turned to look, only to see Jack appear from between the trees. Rosa jumped, excited but, unfortunately, she landed over Connor’s groin. His relief was temporarily dimmed by the pain, but he recovered quickly. He grinned at Jack as he tried to keep Rosa on his lap.
“You can let her go,” Jack said, smiling back.
A moment later, a little ball of fur was almost flying through the grass to meet Jack, who laughed and squatted to greet her. She sniffed his hand then rubbed her head against his palm. She also rubbed his shins before taking a few steps back and glancing between him and Connor. She yapped at Jack once then ran back to her father, who greeted her with a grin and a kiss on the top of her head.
“Love you,” he whispered, but he was pretty sure Jack could hear it. When Connor let Rosa go and looked up, Jack was only a few steps away, smiling softly. “Hey.”
“Hi.”
Jack sat next to him on the panel, leaving about a foot of space between them. “Sorry I’m late. I had to talk to the parents of one of my students.”
Connor nodded. “Sure, of course. The only schedule I have to keep is centered around the eating and sleeping habits of the princess here, so it’s fine.” He smiled at the sight of Rosa rolling in the grass a few feet in front of him.
“She’s really cute,” Jack told him, as if he were reading his mind.
“I know. It makes telling her no very difficult. I’ll have to be very careful not to be a total pushover of a father.”
“You seem to be handling things well.”
Connor snorted. “So well that I fled to my hometown? And had to move out of my own house?”
“I don’t know why you came back, but moving out of your house has nothing to do with handling things badly. That’s on your father.”
“Did the Alpha tell you?” Connor frowned. That was supposed to be confidential.
“No!” Jack shook his head. “No. I just… I overheard something I shouldn’t have been listening to. That’s all. She wouldn’t say anything. She keeps private pack business away from us. She did let me know you would be moving to the center, but that was more to…prepare me.”
“You mean warn you.” Connor grimaced.
Jack shrugged. “I didn’t react well to the previous surprise meeting.”
The accident. Connor closed his eyes for a moment. What a mess.
“I didn’t have a chance to say this, but I’m sorry about the accident. Rosa started to cough and it seemed like she was choking, and I glanced away from the road.”
“It’s fine. Nobody got hurt. We just bumped into each other.”
Connor sent him a disbelieving look. “Your friend ‘bumped’ into a tree.”
“And the insurance covered it. But if you want, you can buy David a beer someday.”
David. Connor now had the name to the face. “Was that the same guy you came here with on Tuesday?” He tried for casual but didn’t know if he’d managed to pull it off.
“Yeah, he’d come to drag me out of the office for lunch.” Jack offered him a lopsided smile. “We know how that went.”
“Yeah, he’s been here for about six months, I think. He and his brother are our newest pack members. And he’s already fallen completely head over heels for Zack, so I guess I’m gaining a new family member, too.”
Connor tried to hide his relief—he really did—but something must have tipped Jack off, because he frowned and shoved his hands in his pockets, angling his body slightly away.
“I’m sorry.” Connor turned away, biting his lower lip. “I don’t… I know I don’t have the right, but it’s not something I can control.”
After a few long seconds of silence, he glanced at Jack, who watched Rosa trying to catch a blade of grass between her little teeth.
“I know how that goes,” Jack muttered.
They sat in silence after that and Connor wished he didn’t have to risk breaking their shaky connection by approaching this topic. But, ultimately, there were things that needed to be said if the two of them were to ever move on to something solid, something that could last.
“If you have any questions about…” He waved in Rosa’s direction. That was about as far as his courage could take him.
Jack clasped his hands together and took a deep breath without taking his eyes off Rosa. “I’m not sure how much I really want to know,” he finally admitted and Connor winced.
“That’s fine for now, I guess. But I think you need to know at least some of it, so we won’t have to tiptoe around it for the rest of our lives.” The rest of our lives. Connor almost choked on his tongue after he realized what he’d said, but Jack just nodded. “I want you to know I’m willing to answer your questions,” Connor added, heart hammering.
A moment later, as if sensing she was needed, Rosa came running back and butted her head against first Connor’s, then Jack’s, shins. They both petted her before she was off again.