by Coleen Kwan
She shook her head. “Then why are you wasting time here?”
“It’s not a waste of time.” He bit off his words, looking displeased.
Lily hesitated, hunting for something else to say. “Sorry we didn’t have a chance to talk at the cookout.”
Caleb visibly stiffened. “No problem. You were busy.”
Not that busy. But it felt like he’d avoided her at the cookout. When had this gulf appeared between them?
Caleb was looking at her. “I bumped into Ryan the other day,” he said.
“Oh?”
“He was buying you flowers.” His lips flattened.
“Right.” Noodles squirmed in her grip. The tension in her was getting to her pet dragon.
“Next weekend’s your reunion, isn’t it? I take it you’re still going.”
She moistened her lips. He was staring at her mouth, stirring illicit desires in her. The back of her neck grew hot. “Caleb—”
“I suppose Ryan is going with you?”
He sounded surly. Almost as if he didn’t like the idea of her and Ryan spending a weekend together in San Francisco. Hope—poor, unquenchable, downtrodden hope—flared in her chest.
She twisted a curl around her finger. “What if…what if you came with me?”
Caleb jerked, the nail falling from his grip. “What? What about Ryan?”
“I-I’m asking you.”
He slowly picked up the nail. His brooding expression was starting to make her heart quail. “I’m sorry, Lily, but there’s no way I can spare the time. I’ve got to get the house finished for your dad.”
The hope dampened but refused to be snuffed out. “Well, if you had the time, what would you say?”
He shook his head. “Has something happened between you and Ryan?”
Why had he shook his head? Did it mean he’d turn her down?
“You seem fixated on Ryan.”
She’d spoken softly, but he flinched as if she’d poked a knife into him.
“Can’t I ask? I’ve been your wingman through some pretty awful dates. I’d like to know if you’ve finally struck it lucky.”
The last of her pipe dream flickered. “Is that all? Is that the only reason you’re asking?”
He shrugged. “What other reason could there be?”
Was he toying with her? Her chest ached until it felt like her ribs would burst apart. She spun around and hurried back to the kitchen where she paused, fighting to regain her breath. Only when she felt a faint sting on the left side of her neck did she realize that poor Noodles was struggling to get out of her death grip and find a perch on her shoulder. She carried him to the living room and carefully deposited him back in his vivarium where he promptly scuttled behind his favorite log.
She wanted to hide, too. From Caleb. From the world. From her feelings. But she couldn’t leave herself dangling in the abyss, too afraid to ask the hard questions. She had to go back out and finish what she’d started. Steeling herself, she marched back outside.
Caleb was frowning at his drill.
“I have something to ask you,” she declared before she could chicken out.
Caleb lifted his head, wary. “Okay.”
“I—I—” She flapped her hands, then folded her arms tight across her chest. “I think we get along really well, don’t you? I mean, I know we’re very different, but we have great conversations and we can confide in each other and laugh together. And—and we seem to have some physical chemistry, too, right?” She could feel a hot, itching flush spreading across her cheeks, but she forged on, “Every time we kiss it’s like a volcano erupting. I’ve never felt anything even close to that with any guy before, and, well, I suppose you might have— Anyway, what I’m trying to say—in a clumsy manner—is that I think you’re incredible, and…and I find that I…have these feelings for you, romantic feelings, that is to say, and I was wondering…I mean, is there any possibility that you might…”
Where had all these words come from? Her hands were flapping again like nervous sparrows. Caleb was staring at her, looking like he’d been dumped in the Arctic Ocean.
“I—I’m not explaining this well, am I?” She paused, gulping for air while her brain worked feverishly. She continued in a rush. “I know you don’t believe in love, I know you don’t want a long-term relationship, I know you hate messy breakups. I know all that, but—” She drew in a shuddering gasp. “But I can’t seem to stop myself from falling in love with you.”
Her voice fell away, like plunging off a cliff.
Caleb had turned a wretched white. For a few seconds there was a hideous silence. Then, very carefully, he took a step back.
“I’m sorry, Lily. I’m the wrong kind of guy to fall in love with.” His voice was as wooden as his expression.
Her chin trembled; she ground her teeth together to stop it. “Is that—is that all you have to say?”
The knuckles of his hands, still wrapped around the drill, whitened. “I don’t know what you want me to say.”
The heat slowly leached away from her cheeks. “Is there—” She swallowed before continuing, “Is there nothing you find appealing about me? Nothing at all?”
His face contorted. “I’m sorry, Lily. You wouldn’t want me to lie.”
Her head drooped, too heavy to hold up. Blood thudded in her ears as she examined a crack in the concrete next to her feet.
“Lily—”
She turned and left, unable to stomach one more word from him.
Chapter Fourteen
Caleb wiped the sweat from his brow as he raced away from Lily’s house. He had no memory of grabbing his tools and flinging himself into his truck. All he knew was that he had to get away from Lily before he broke down and did something stupid.
He pressed his knuckles against his eyes, but nothing could erase the memory of Lily’s stricken face. What the hell had happened just then?
Lily said she was in love with you.
It was all a colossal mistake. She wasn’t in love with him. She couldn’t be. He couldn’t have her loving him. Couldn’t bear to see her suffer when he hurt her, which would be inevitable. Love, her kind of love—the fluffy, rosy, Hallmark kind of love—was wasted on him.
Lily deserved someone better, someone who knew how to make her happy. Not him. He wouldn’t be like his mom, selfishly taking love only to throw it away when it wasn’t convenient. The memory of his dad sobbing alone in the bathroom sat like a granite tombstone in Caleb’s chest. It was a good thing Tracey had turned up to remind him of what had happened.
He’d hurt Lily. He could still feel her pain vibrating through him, her sweet, quavering voice splitting him in two. But she’d get over him soon enough. Better to hurt her a little now than a whole lot later.
The truck engine screeched in protest as he gnashed the gears. Icy sweat coated his skin. He’d done the right thing, he told himself over and over. Sometimes the right thing was hard to do, but in the end, he knew, it would be worth it. And maybe Lily would thank him eventually, when she found her happily ever after with someone else.
…
Caleb’s father looked around the finished hallway. “I’m impressed,” he said to Caleb. “Looks like you’re all done here.”
“Not quite. There’s still a helluva lot of touching up before it’s ready for the clients.” Caleb ran his finger along the lower steps of the staircase and grimaced at the scratches he’d noticed.
Frank nodded at him. “I’m proud of you, son. You’re going to be a partner soon.”
“Soon as I get this place finished.” Today was Saturday; he had forty-eight hours to get everything perfect.
“I’ll be glad when you can slow down a bit. Maybe you’ll even be able to help me with my Little League soon, huh?”
“Absolutely, Dad. Looking forward to it.” This was one of the reasons why he’d worked so hard to get the partnership. Why he had to stay focused and not think about Lily.
Frank pushed his hands into his pockets.
“Look, I didn’t show up just to see how you were doing. There’s something else.”
He paused to rub his lower lip, making Caleb’s gut tense. “What is it?”
“Well, I want to talk about your mom.”
Caleb stiffened. “Hey, I’d love to chat, Dad, but I got a ton of work here.”
“Okay, I’ll be quick. You know I’m the last one to want to talk about her, but I hear she’s been trying to reestablish contact with you, and you won’t have anything to do with it.”
“I’d have thought my reasons were pretty clear. Especially to you.”
“Right. No argument there.” Frank nodded. “She hurt all of us.”
“So? Why are we even discussing her?”
“Because…” His father scraped his jaw. “Because I’ve had time to gain some perspective. Your mom hurt me, yes, but you know what? I don’t regret marrying her. We had some great times. She was wonderful back then. And she was great with you and Hannah. Sure, she wasn’t a regular parent. She was always a bit too unconventional for some of the other moms, but she was always making up fun stuff for you kids. Remember when she made your Halloween costume out of pine cones and bits of bark? You were ecstatic. You insisted on wearing it for a whole week until your bed looked like a compost heap.”
Caleb’s heart squeezed. Why did his dad have to dig out that particular bittersweet memory? “I was five then. I would’ve been happy for any attention.”
“What I’m trying to say is that your mom did care about us.”
“Yeah, and then she left and took all your money, including Hannah’s college fund.” Caleb picked up a rag and started rubbing at the scratches on the staircase.
“All true, but I don’t want you to let that fester inside you.”
“What do you expect me to do? Forget it ever happened?”
His father let out a sigh. “I don’t know, Caleb. I just… It pains me to think you’re holding on to that hurt for so long. Too long.”
Caleb polished the step harder. “It’s a useful reminder, that’s all. Don’t worry about me, Dad. And I know Hannah’s been talking to Mom recently. It doesn’t bother me. If you don’t mind, I have to get these stairs finished.”
His father watched him for a while, then patted him on the back. “All right, Son. I won’t keep you any longer. See you later, okay?”
Caleb turned to look at him over his shoulder. “If everything pans out, I’ll talk to you next week about your Little League coaching.”
His father smiled. “Looking forward to it.”
Alone once more, Caleb concentrated on the stairs. Why had his dad picked this weekend of all times to talk about Tracey? He was adamant that he wanted nothing to do with her. Nothing. And yet, he couldn’t help thinking there was something else his dad had been trying to tell him. Was it to do with him avoiding risk and ending up with nothing? His stomach felt hollow and cold. He did not want to think about Lily, but everything his dad said seemed to refer to her.
He balled the rag and flung it across the hallway.
Screw this. He had no time for navel gazing. He had to put Lily out of his head and get this house ready.
…
Caleb glared at the store clerk. “Whaddaya mean you’re out of Polyx Oil? You can’t be.”
The pimply teenager gulped. “I’m sorry, sir. I did check the stockroom—”
“Check again.”
The Saturday morning line behind him in the hardware store was getting restless, but, probably sensing his foul mood, no one challenged him.
“Uh…”
Before the teenager could utter another word, Amber glided up to the counter and hooked her arm through Caleb. “Hey, buddy, why don’t you come with me, and I’ll get you sorted.”
He grudgingly allowed his friend to steer him away. “I need a can of Polyx Oil.”
“Yes, I heard, but we’re out of stock. I know, because I’ve been waiting for a delivery for days now. I’m expecting it next week.”
“Next week’s too late. I’ve got to finish the house by tomorrow, and I need that Polyx Oil. Some careless moron left some scratches on the staircase, and I need to fix them.” He let out a growl of pure frustration.
“I might have some sample cans in my office.”
“That could work.”
He followed her to her manager’s office upstairs. As soon as he entered, she kicked the door shut and folded her arms.
“What is going on with you, Caleb?”
“Nothing. I just need to finish the house.”
“No, something’s going on. I’ve never seen you like this. You scared that poor boy out there.”
Caleb huffed. “I’ll apologize to him on my way out.”
Amber rubbed his arm. “Talk to me, please, Caleb. You were there for me when life was crapping on me. Let me do the same for you.”
He was about to shrug her off, tell her that it was just the stress of the deadline. But the sparkle of her engagement ring caught his attention, and the darkness that had hovered over him all week suddenly became suffocating.
Scrubbing his face, he moved over to the window and stared down at the parking lot, not seeing anything.
“I think I’ve screwed up,” he said. “Screwed up big time.”
“Tell me.”
So he did. With his back turned to Amber, he spilled out everything. How he’d begun to look forward to spending time with Lily, how he’d flirted with her, pretending it was part of his date coaching, how conflicted he’d felt when she started dating Ryan. How he’d gone to the cookout because the thought of her having a good time with Ryan had started to eat him alive. How he’d avoided her because he didn’t want to hear how wonderful Ryan was.
And finally he blurted out what had happened the last time he’d seen Lily, what she’d said to him, and how he’d responded.
“I froze. My mind went blank.” He scored his fingers through his hair. “What the hell was I supposed to say?”
“You were supposed to tell her the truth.”
“I did tell her the truth! I’m the wrong guy for her. I could never make her happy. Oh, sure, I could make her happy for a short while, but in the end I’d hurt her. I’m not a relationship guy. Everyone knows that. She knows that.”
Amber shook her head. “I’ve known you since you were six, Caleb. I’ve never seen you this worked up over a woman. Admit it, you care about Lily.”
Yes, of course he did. Why else did his insides contort every time he thought of her? Why else did he keep seeing her aching eyes as she confessed her feelings, her crumpled face when he rejected her? All the pain he inflicted on her bounced straight back to him, tenfold.
His knees wobbled as he sank into a chair.
He was in love with Lily. And he’d been a complete brute to her.
She’d had the courage to open her heart to him, and what had he done? He’d panicked, retreated into his shell, and stomped on her openness. And then he’d avoided her all week, persisting in his stupidity, thinking he was doing her a favor while his insides became more gouged out with every passing day.
The advice his father had given him just an hour ago crystallized into one, indisputable fact.
“I’m an idiot,” he groaned.
His dad was right. He’d kept Lily at arm’s length because he was afraid of getting hurt, but that had backfired because he’d surrendered his heart to her anyway. A life without hurt, without love, without passion and loss, was only half a life. He wanted all of it, with Lily, and now he was terrified he’d lost any chance with her.
Amber took the chair next to him and patted his knee. “So I take it I’m right? You care about Lily? Perhaps even a teensy bit in love?”
“Screw teensy.” He scowled at her. “I’m a whole lot in love with her.” He paused and rubbed his chest where his heart was pumping furiously. “Hell. Does it always feel this weird admitting you’re in love with someone?”
“It’s good weird.” Amber grinned at him. “So, what
are you going to do about it?”
“I have to see her. She hates my guts, of course, but I have to apologize, beg her for another chance, anything.” His heart boomed like thunder. Yes, he had to see Lily as soon as possible. What he had to say to her couldn’t wait another day, another hour. He shot to his feet, but then slapped a hand across his forehead. “Argh, I forgot, she’s not here this weekend. She’s gone to San Francisco for her college reunion.”
“San Francisco? Oh…” Amber picked up a pen from her desk, grimacing.
Caleb peered closer at his friend. “What? What are you trying not to say?”
She shrugged. “It’s probably nothing, but I heard Ryan was going to San Francisco, too, this weekend.”
Ice punctured Caleb’s lungs. He’d asked Lily if she was taking Ryan, and she’d shrugged off the question. That was before she’d opened her heart to him. If she was supposed to be in love with him, would she really take Ryan with her to the reunion? Yeah, maybe. Rebound sex happened all the time. His skull pounded. If Lily had taken Ryan with her—and why shouldn’t she after Caleb had blown her off?—then it just meant he’d have to work harder to win her over.
No risk, no reward.
“Then that’s where I’m headed, too,” he said.
“San Francisco?” Amber rose from her seat. “Now?”
“Yup.” He’d drive to the airport and catch the first flight to San Francisco. He was already striding toward the door, his mind churning with everything he needed to do.
“Hey, what about your house project? I thought you needed it done by tomorrow to get that partnership with Bill Baker?”
He screeched to a halt, his thoughts veering in circles. The house. The partnership. Bill Baker was counting on him to deliver that house on time. If he didn’t stay here and finish his work, then he’d be letting Bill down. Not to mention his dad, because he wouldn’t be able to help him with his Little League team like he’d promised.
But if he didn’t go to San Francisco, he could be kissing goodbye any chance he might have with Lily. What should he choose? Partnership, a solid career, helping his dad, or the strong possibility of making a fool of himself in front of the woman he loved and might have lost?
