Friday
HERE’S WHAT IT is with Gloria’s note. If you ask me? We definitely did the right thing. But Ree’s feeling guilty and like it was too much, and she’s worrying that instead of karma it was just mean. So I explained that all we did was take who Gloria really is and put it out there for the world to see. Which was actually flattering in a way, if you think about it. Because if Gloria wasn’t really using Jackson and she actually liked him, then that means she has depth and a soul and she’s not just some bitchy superficial boyfriend swiper. And I explained how you get what you give, and Gloria’s been giving out a lot of muck all this time.
But whatever.
I just heard Ree being called to the principal’s office, and it doesn’t exactly take a rocket scientist to know what happened. Gloria totally turned her in because Ree is the first chick in line seeking Gloria revenge. And now Ree would be about to take the entire blame for this, because there’s no way she’s going to tell on us, which is so unfair since she wasn’t even the one who thought of it.
Which is why we promised her that’s not going to happen.
See, we already predicted it would go like this. So now it’s time for Operation Day After. Which is what we all agreed on if Ree got in trouble. We also agreed not to tell her about it, because we knew she’d never let us go through with it.
I’m lurking in the hall waiting for my signal when I see Jackson getting a drink. I whisper, “Jackson!” And he looks around and sees me, and I wave him over.
He goes, “Thanks for the note back.”
And I go, “Oh, that. Well . . . someone I know found it.” Danny told me how he snuck the original note back in Jackson’s bag before first period.
He looks around at all the copies plastered on the walls. He goes, “So. Someone really wanted to get back at Gloria, huh?”
I’m like, “I guess.” And the way he’s looking at me it’s so obvious he knows I was involved in this, but he probably thinks that I did it just because of what he told me yesterday. He has no idea this was planned before.
I’m like, “Hey. You want to do something badass?”
And I swear I’ve never seen someone look more excited about the possibility of getting in trouble.
Danny is mad gassed. He stops me in the hall before lunch and he’s talking a mile a minute about how all these people said they’re voting for him and he’s gotten really good feedback on his posters and he’s already making all these plans for next year when he’s president and his speech is in the bag and he’s stoked.
So I’m nodding and smiling and listening, but I’m also thinking about the pizza I’m missing. Because today is pizza day and if you don’t get there early you miss all the big pieces and the ones that are actually cooked right. But Danny’s so excited—and it’s not like we’re not friends or anything—so I’m listening.
And he’s buzzing and smiling all big and rambling, and he goes, “Are you going to the dance with anyone?”
I’m so shocked I’m not even sure I heard him right. Like, is he asking me to the dance? After I dumped him?
So I go, “Not really. I mean, I’m going with Rhiannon . . . so . . .”
He’s like, “Would you go with me?”
And looking at Danny with all his passion and excitement and cute new haircut, I can’t even remember why we broke up. What was I thinking? There must have been a good reason, which I just can’t think of right now. But I still want to go with him, so I say, “Okay.”
He’s like, “Yeah?”
“Yeah.”
“Okay. We’re going. Cool.”
And all of a sudden I’m going to the dance with my ex-boyfriend, who I broke up with for some reason I’m sure I’ll remember any second now. I mean, yeah, he’s a good person and all, but it’s not like everything was perfect.
It’s not like Danny is the most amazing thing ever.
Danny is the most amazing thing ever.
We’re in the auditorium for the big student-council assembly, where all the candidates for next year’s student council are giving their speeches. So far we’ve heard all the treasurer and secretary and vice-president speeches, and now Danny’s giving his. And I guess in a way I forgot how he is and how intense he gets about things he’s into (like politics and winning this election) and all of his energy is like vibrating right across the room into me, and I’m zinging. I forgot how he can be even better than sugar.
I look around and try to figure out if people are interested or bored or if it’s mixed. Danny’s speech is very antiwar, anti-people being mean to each other because that’s what leads to war, which you pretty much have to agree with or else what does that say about you? And suddenly this wave of sadness washes over me, because I can picture Danny practicing his speech with James and working on drafts of it and asking Carl and Evan for advice on what to say, and I feel so left out and like I really missed sharing an important part of his life. His speech is so good, though.
And then he holds up this sign that says PEACE. He just holds it up, standing there, not saying anything for like a whole minute. Which doesn’t sound like a long time, but a minute of silence when you’re supposed to be giving your speech is like an eternity. And I’m in this daze, just staring at him and the sign and thinking of everything it means to him, to us. And it’s like I have this epiphany. Right here in the third row, I have an epiphany.
I still love Danny. I never stopped loving Danny. And all of a sudden, why I broke up with him is crystal.
It’s like the worst case of déjà vu ever when I realize that I’m stuck in the bathroom with Gloria again. Except this time, she’s crying.
She came in while I was peeing, and I just knew it was her by the way her heels clacked across the floor. You know how some people have this way of walking that you can recognize without even seeing them? Yeah.
So there I was doing my thing, and she clacked over to the sinks and then . . . she just started crying. Like out of nowhere. Which is totally freaking me out, because it’s like, Welcome to me at therapy yesterday all over again.
And it’s not like she doesn’t know at least one other person is in here. Especially when I flush the toilet. But it’s so wild, because even that doesn’t stop her. She keeps crying. I didn’t know that Gloria even knew how to cry.
I slide the lock and push the stall door open and walk over to the sinks. I don’t look over at her. I just wash my hands and notice that there are actually paper towels today, and wow look there’s soap too, it’s like a miracle. And this whole time, she’s standing two sinks down from me, wiping her eyes and looking in the mirror. And not caring at all that I’m seeing her like this.
If I were a mean person, I could totally attack her right now. Say how she deserves everything she got and how does it feel to be on the other side? But I’m not like that. So I walk over to the door. But just as I’m about to leave, Gloria says, “Hey.”
I go, “Yeah?”
“Thanks.”
“For what?”
“For not harshing on me. I’m having a bad day.”
“No prob. We’ve all been there.”
And that’s when it hits me. That Gloria, despite popular opinion, really is a human being.
So we’re in Ree’s room getting ready for the dance, and I’m fully aware that I’ve been talking about Danny nonstop since his speech, but I can’t help it. And I really want a warm H&H bagel with lots of butter, but at the same time my stomach is in all kinds of knots about Danny. And also how Mr. Farrell might be chaperoning tonight.
So of course that makes me think of the last time there was a party, and how Mom grilled me when I got home, and what would she say if she knew the truth this time? It’d be like, Yeah, Mom. The teacher I’m in love with was there. But don’t worry. He’s responsible and he always treats on dates.
I’m like, “I hope I can go home tonight without an interrogation.”
And Ree’s like, “At least your mom knows what stuff to interrogate
you about.”
Then Ree says how she wants to connect with her mom more but she doesn’t know how because her mom’s too preoccupied with work. And how she never sees her dad anymore, and even last night, when it was Brooke’s last night here, he didn’t come home early. And I kind of feel bad for her, because her dad can be really interesting.
Like this one time when I was over for dinner? We had just finished eating and her dad brought out this red tin of Italian cookies, except they weren’t really cookies. They were more like crunchy, moon rock-looking things. And he said how he wanted to show us something cool, so he unwrapped one of the cookie things. The paper it was wrapped in looked like a square of tissue paper. Then he took the wrapper and rolled it up into a cylinder. And he stood the wrapper up on the table and took out a lighter and lit the wrapper along the top rim.
And I was kind of freaking out, because then there was just this cookie wrapper on fire in the middle of the table and no one was throwing water on it or anything. But right before the flame reached the table, the wrapper jumped up into the air and floated almost to the ceiling, and it was the coolest thing ever. And then the burnt wrapper ash floated down, and when I went to grab it, it crumbled all over the place. So her dad’s all right. I mean, who else knows about that kind of stuff?
Then I think of another non-Danny-related item to talk about. So I’m like, “Oh. And Sheila set up an appointment with Dr. Ribisi.”
And Ree’s like, “Awesome. Let’s hope she finally sees what a loser Brad is.”
I go, “Totally.” And I want to tell her about the bruises, but something just shuts me down and I can’t. Like taking it over there is too personal and would violate Sheila in some way.
Ree says, “Thanks for doing that. I was really worried about her.”
And I’m like, “I know. Same here.”
And then “Fly Away” comes on the radio, which we each liked as our favorite song back in third grade and we didn’t even know each other then. So we’re jumping all around and singing along, although I guess Lenny is a better singer. And Ree gets her feather boas out of her closet and I fling mine around my neck and she twirls hers around and jumps up on the couch. So she’s bouncing around and I’m busting a move on the beanbag, but then I jump off because once a beanbag gets a hole in it it’s like game over for the beanbag. Then we both scream the part with the yeahs at the same time and we’re cracking up and imitating Tony and if the dance is half as fun as this, it’s going to be awesome.
We’ve only been at the dance for ten minutes and I’ve already spilled a Fanta. Plus, I didn’t get a really funny joke Danny told, because my brain is on spin cycle and I’m currently unable to process incoming information like a normal person.
Danny’s like, “What’s wrong?”
So I go, “Nothing,” which is true. It’s not like anything is wrong. It’s just that I’m all jumpy and swirly.
Danny’s looking at me strange. He’s like, “Seriously. Are you okay?”
I’m like, “Yeah.”
And he’s all, “Are you sure?”
I go, “Totally.”
And he’s like, “You’re not sorry you came with me, are you?” Which is so far from what’s up I can’t with that.
So I’m all like, “No!” and it comes out like a yell. So now I’m paranoid that he thinks I’m yelling at him because I’m annoyed. Either that or that I’m denying it too hard, so it must be true. And I know that I could just tell him right now and there’s a chance that we’d both feel better. But if I tell him that I’m still in love with him and I want to be with him again, he might say no, and that’s just too scary to even consider.
And then one of my favorite songs comes on (it’s actually the first song we ever made out to, so of course it comes on now) and I would never think in a million years that Danny would even remember that, but he’s looking at me all deep as if he does. And he goes, “Dance with me?”
He puts his arms around me and I press up against him, and it’s just like old times. Like nothing ever changed, like our feelings for each other have only gotten stronger. I can’t believe I was so stupid and scared. And I guess Danny feels it too because he whispers how nice this feels, dancing all close and being together again. And I know I have to figure out a way to tell him.
We dance to a few more songs and it’s feeling more and more intense between us. Then Danny says, “Nicole?”
And I’m like, “Yeah?”
And he just goes, “I miss you.”
And my eyes are immediately stinging with tears and my heart is beating so fast and I realize that I’ve waited so long to hear him say that.
So I say, “I miss you, too.”
He’s like, “Do you want to . . . I think we should . . .”
And even now, even after all I put him through, he’s saving me. I’ve been trying to find my way into the light for so long, and he just comes along and takes me there.
I go, “Totally.” And just like that, he’s mine again. The way it always should have been.
Then Ree and James come over and say they’re leaving and are we staying? And we tell them that we’re staying. And Ree gives me a look like, What is this? And I give her a look like, I’ll tell you later. Because I totally wanted to tell her when I was over at her house before the dance, but for some reason I couldn’t. It was like I had to tell Danny first, like he deserved to know before anyone else, even my best friend.
So Ree and James leave, but then a minute later Danny’s like, “Don’t go away,” and he runs out. And when he doesn’t come back right away, I’m all paranoid like, What if he doesn’t come back? What if he’s trying to tell me that he made a mistake? And that he really doesn’t want to be with me? But just when I’m convinced that he never wants to see me again, he comes running back in and says we’re going on an adventure.
So the four of us take this random subway line down to the Lower East Side to this place called Welcome to the Johnsons that’s really a bar but totally looks like someone’s living room from like nineteen-eighty-whatever. There’s a plastic pink flamingo like the kind I’ve seen in movies on suburban lawns. And then I sort of zone out for a while and imagine what it’s like to live in suburbia and drive around in cars and go to the Super Wal-Mart and get cherry Slurpees at 7-Eleven. When we lived in Water Mill, it was such a small area with limited choices. But now I live in the middle of this enormous city with so many choices I don’t even know which one to make most of the time. Or I’ll make a choice and then spend the next two weeks worrying that I could have made a better one.
There’s this twang of feedback, and I snap back to the bar scene and check out the stage. There’s this chick in a cocktail dress and glasses with glitter in her hair tuning her electric violin and this punked-out guy with tattoos of angel wings on his back and they’re called Unisex Salon. They’re so ultra cool they make you feel insufficiently cool enough to be in the same room with them.
Then Danny comes back and flops into the chair with me (which is huge and fluorescent pink and shaped like lips) and hands me my root beer and he goes, “To new beginnings.” And we clink bottles and some root beer spills on his shirt. And we turn around to clink bottles with Ree and James and James is like, “I’ll drink to that!”
We watch the band. They rock really hard. The lead singer is way cute and his eyes are all intense and you can totally tell they’re going to be famous.
Danny leans over and yells in my ear, “These guys are going to be famous!” And the crowd is rocking out and everyone is bobbing their heads around and moving to the beat, and it’s like we’re all over at someone’s house listening to the neighborhood band practice, but in this scenario they’re actually good. And Danny’s all pressed up against me, and if you didn’t know any better you’d think it was just like we used to be. Way back in another life, before I lost control.
It’s only twelve thirty on a Friday night and lots of people are still out, but Danny totally wants to protect m
e, so he insisted on taking the subway with me and walking me home.
So we’re standing on my stoop and he says, “Thanks for coming with me. And for everything.”
And I’m like, “Of course.” And I know that Danny is figuring out if I’ll let him kiss me, and I want to but I also know there’s something I have to do first. Because I learned the hard way what happens if you don’t get the closure you need. So I tell him, “I’ll see you soon?”
He’s all, “Definitely.” And he has his look where he’s trying to hide being disappointed, which I think is so sweet because it probably seems like I’m sending him mixed messages but I’m really not. So I go in, but I just stand in the doorway and wait a few minutes. And I go back out on the stoop and look down the street and he’s gone.
I walk fast through the warm night with my heart pounding extra hard like the biggest drum in the drum set, and I don’t even think about what I’m doing or how crazy this is. I just know it’s something I have to do before I can move on. It’s my last chance to do this before I get back with Danny. And then I’m scared that he might be asleep and then what?
But when I get to his building his light is on, so I know he’s home. And I’m so nervous I almost faint right there on his stoop. But then I find the courage I need. Because if you take a risk, you just might find what you’re looking for.
JAMES CHAPTER 19
Wednesday
I SQUINT AT the sidewalk chalk like it’s going to explain why Rhiannon is being such a numbskull.
There is no possible way she did this.
No possible way.
It pisses me off. Big-time. If she invests one more speck of emotional energy in some dumbass who doesn’t even love her anymore, if he ever did at all, I’m going to lose it.
Everyone’s standing around. Discussing it. Wondering what it means. Speculating who wrote it.
But I get it.
I read it again. This must have taken forever. Just picturing her here last night, making sure the letters were all even, coloring them in. . . .
Take Me There Page 20
