BILL THE MINDER
Old Crispin, the mushroom gatherer, and his good wife Chloe had tenchildren, and nine of them were bad-tempered. There was Chad, theyoungest and most bad-tempered of the lot, Hannibal and Quentin thetwins, Randall with the red head, Noah, Ratchett the short-sighted, Nerothe worrit, weeping Biddulph and Knut. The only good-tempered child wasa little girl named Boadicea.
It is well known that a boy usually takes after his father, and a girlafter her mother, and these children were no exception to the rule, forthe boys all resembled old Crispin, whose temper had been rather tried,poor man, by the early hours at which he had to rise, in order to gatherthe mushrooms when they were quite new and young. On the other hand,Boadicea could only have inherited her good-temper from Chloe, whowithout doubt was the most good-tempered dame alive.
Now it is quite true that any one who cares to rise early enough in themorning may gather mushrooms, and plenty of them, too, but those who doso only now and again, and merely for amusement, little know the hardlife of the professional gatherer, or the skill and judgment he has tocultivate in order to carry on his work with any success.
In the course of time Crispin became so well skilled that he could notonly tell a mushroom from a toadstool at the distance of two hundredyards, but his hearing became so acute that he could even hear themgrowing, and learnt to distinguish the sound of each as it broke throughthe earth. Indeed, he had no need for any alarm to wake him from hisheavy slumbers and call him to his work in the fields. Howevercautiously a mushroom made its appearance, at its first rumble, oldCrispin would jump from his hard bed, hastily dress himself, and, oftenwithout tasting a morsel of breakfast, be out of the house and on to thefield in time to see the newcomer pop its head through the earth. Thishe would pick, and then he would hop about with his head on one sidelistening for others like some old starling listening for worms, at thesame time mewing like a cat to frighten away the birds that prey on themushrooms. He was then able to fill his basket with the very freshestcrop and take them round to people's houses in time for breakfast.
With such anxious work it will be readily understood that few mushroomgatherers can remain in the best of health for many years, and it sohappened that in time the anxieties connected with the gathering ofmushrooms began to affect old Crispin, so that he fell ill andcompletely lost his appetite. Chloe called in the doctor, but the latterat first could do nothing for him. He painted Crispin's chest and thenhis back with iodine; he rubbed him well with the roots of sarsaparilla;he made him sleep first on his right side, then on his left, and finallycovered him in brown paper plasters and dock-leaf poultices and sent himto the sea-side with strict injunctions to take to sea-bathing, running,and aeroplaning, but it was all of no avail.
With the assistance of Boadicea, Chloe now tried to tempt her husbandwith every known and unknown dish, and when these failed, like a goodwife, she invented others. She made trifles of vegetable marrow,tartlets of hen feathers to soothe the nerves, salads of spinach andcarraway comfits, delicacies composed of porridge and mint, and the mostluscious stews of pine-cones and lard. She then tried him with evenlighter dishes, but it was no good. He became thinner and thinner everyday, and his temper was growing shorter and shorter, when at last, toher great joy, she succeeded in making a jelly that really seemed totake his fancy.
At first there was little or no sign of improvement, yet he ate a verysmall portion of the jelly every day, and with this the anxious wife anddaughter had to be contented for some time. He had remained in thisstate for weeks when Chloe resolved slightly to increase his portion.Finding that this did not disagree with him, but that, instead, hebecame a little stouter and a little better every day, she continuedgradually giving him more and more.
At last she discovered that the more Crispin ate of this jelly, thegreater his appetite became. In fact, if the truth be told, the oldgentleman became in time not only quite well and very stout but alsosomewhat greedy. At all events, Chloe found that instead of being ableto devote more time to her children, after restoring her husband'sappetite, she had to give up more and more time to cooking. Crispin nowspent the whole day in eating, and things went from bad to very bad, andfrom very bad to worse. Boadicea assisted her mother to the utmost, yetChloe, worked almost to death, was at length compelled to look out for aminder, in order that her children might not be entirely neglected.
Many minders from all parts applied for employment, and, as a test oftheir skill, she set them the task of cheering the unfortunate Chad, whowas cutting all his double teeth at the same time. Some tried to cheerhim by singing to him, some by dancing to him; one even hoped to gladdenthe boy by jumping over him backwards and with a pleasant smile droppingon the grass in front of him. Again, some thought to distract him byrunning swiftly with him several times round the well, which only madehim very ill. Another energetic young minder stood on his head in frontof the child for at least ten minutes, which, instead of cheering thelad, nearly frightened him to death. One minder, more experienced thanthe rest, tried to make him forget his ache by giving him other aches tothink of with the aid of a slipper, which he maintained he had succeededin doing. However, he was not elected, for, try as they would, no onecould discover for which ache the child was crying.
Many methods were tried, but none with even the smallest success; infact, the competition greatly increased the child's discomfort. Hishowls became terrific, and so heartrending that, as a last resource,Chloe sent for her nephew Bill, who cleaned the boots. Now no one hadsuspected Bill of having the makings of a good minder in him, but ithappened that he knew Chad's little ways, and so, to everybody'ssurprise and relief, he easily succeeded in keeping him quiet until allthe double teeth had been cut. Thereupon he was at once elected Minderto the family.
HIS HOWLS BECAME TERRIFIC]
Bill soon proved that he was no ordinary minder. Having once started onhis new work, he took his profession very seriously. He read all thebooks that had ever been written upon the subject, which were to befound in the library of the British Museum. He talked about it with themost knowing professors of the subject, and he was as well known in theMinding Room of the Patent Museum at South Kensington as in his father'shouse. And it is even said that he once contrived to be shut in allnight by hiding behind a case of red coral rattles when the policemancame round at dusk to shut and lock the doors.
Moreover, as you can see for yourselves in the pictures, he was alwaysinventing new ways of minding his charges. So expert did he become intime that he was never at a loss with the most fractious, and easilysurpassing all rivals, he became the most perfect minder of thedistrict.
Bill's fame spread to the most distant towns, and worrited mothers formiles around flocked to him with their children. He was most successfulin distracting the vaccinated, and under his care young tooth-cutterssoon forgot their troubles. Even the pangs of indigestion were allayedand the fretfulness of the sleepless lulled to rest by the charm of hisways. Short tempers were lengthened, and terrified midnight wakers weretaught to realise how ridiculous were their fears. Screechers ceased toscreech, and grizzlers to grizzle, while weepers and howlers reformedtheir habits and learnt to chuckle throughout the day.
If any one could mind, Bill could!
But life was not all condensed milk and honey to Bill. Like all goodminders and men, he had the bad fortune to arouse the jealousy ofrivals. The unvarying success which met his clever treatment of the mostdifficult cases, instead of arousing the admiration of his brotherminders, as one would have expected, and making them eager to imitatehim, only had the effect of making them very cross and jealous. Some,indeed, became so wild that they had to be minded themselves, whileothers neglected their charges and wandered about the country in adreadful state of grumpiness, biting their nails to the quick, andtearing their hair or anything else they could get hold of.
The time now arrived for the great annual Minding Tournament, held bythe Duke to celebrate his birthday, to which every one had been lookingforward all
through the year. Few people have ever been so delightedover being born as was the Duke, and this was how he most liked to showhis joy and thankfulness. The prizes and cups were usually subscribedfor by the mothers and fathers, but this year was a very specialoccasion, for the Duke, having arrived at the age of sixty, had decidedto present a gold-mounted feeding-bottle to be competed for during thetournament.
Everybody was there; the Duke and his Duchess with a handsome bouquet ofmarigolds and groundsel, presented by the wives of the policemen; theDuchess's cousin, the chatty old Viscount, and his sweet young wife; thestout old Marquis who (as every lady knows) is also admiral of theRegent's Canal, and his six old-maid daughters, who all arrived in bathchairs. The general was there, as a matter of course, with all hismedals beautifully polished, and his pockets full of Pontefract cakesand peardrops to throw to the children. At least twelve bishops werepresent, besides the vicar and his eight kind curates, who madethemselves extremely pleasant to every one.
All the mothers and fathers of the neighbourhood were present, andminders were continually arriving to compete for the prizes. There wereat least one hundred policemen to keep order, and the music was providedby the band of the militia, lent for this occasion by the kind-heartedgeneral. Each member of the band performed on a separate harmoniumborrowed from the vicar. Refreshments also could be had by every one whocould prove that he or she was hungry.
ALWAYS INVENTING NEW WAYS OF MINDING]
The first event was the egg-and-spoon race, which was decided in thefollowing way. A well-pinched baby and a glass of milk were placed atthe end of the course, and each competitor had to run to them balancinga new-laid egg on a spoon; when he had reached them, he had to beat upthe egg in the glass of milk and pacify the child with the beverage. Thecompetitor who did it in the shortest time won the prize.
Some murmurings were heard when it was announced that Bill had won bytwo-and-a-half minutes, but these were soon drowned by the cheers ofthe crowd and the music of the harmoniums.
YOUNG TOOTH-CUTTERS FORGOT THEIR TROUBLES]
The second event was the obstacle race, in which each competitor had torun with three babies in his arms along a course strewn withperambulators full of children. Over the latter he had to climb, andhaving placed his three babies in an empty perambulator stationed at theend of the course, wheel them back the same way and empty them into thearms of the Duke without a cry from the children.
The loud cheers of the crowd and the roar of the harmoniums this timehardly drowned the jeering of his rivals when it was proclaimed thatBill had also won this race; and when he secured the gold-mountedfeeding-bottle, presented by the Duke, for minding seventeentooth-cutters and three indigesters, and sending them all to sleep inthree hours and forty-five minutes, their rage was almost beyond theircontrol. The cheers, the hurrahs, and the clapping of hands, as well asthe soothing music of the harmoniums, only made them more disagreeableand spiteful.
But far worse was to happen when Bill presently carried off the greatcup for remaining shut up in a bathing-machine with twelve vaccinatedchildren for twelve hours. Then they quite lost their tempers, and Billvery nearly lost his life. At least seven babies were hurled at him, aswell as the cup and the bathing-machine, and Bill was only saved by theseven mothers of the seven hurled babies, who rushed forward to grapplewith the hurlers, and carried Bill and the babies out of their reach.
This shocking disturbance caused the vicar and his eight kind curates tofaint, while the Duke, who, now having lost all interest in theproceedings, was only waiting to give away the prizes, turned quitewhite, and at once drove off with the Duchess in his motor, and neveragain referred to the subject. The general stripped off his medals indespair, and gave them away to the children to cut their teeth with. Thechatty old Viscount became dumb with astonishment, and the twelvebishops, with heads erect and half-closed eyes, walked off to theircathedrals. The harmoniums were all put out of tune and quite spoilt bythe efforts of the bandsmen to drown the noise, and the tournament wascompletely broken up.
After this, as might have been foreseen, no mother would entrust thecare of her children to any one but Bill, who became the only minder ofthe district. What became of the rivals no one ever knew for certain,though it has been said that they all emigrated to a desolate island inthe Dead Sea, and clothed themselves in crocodile's hide with the roughand knobby side worn against the skin, sleeping at night on beds offlints with coverlets made of stinging nettles. It is also said thatthey nagged and threw stones at each other all through the day, and forvery rage would eat nothing but thistles, uncooked and with the pricklesleft on, and drink nothing but cold vinegar for the rest of theirwretched lives.
THE ONLY MINDER OF THE DISTRICT]
Another story has it that Bill's jealous rivals all embarked for MountVesuvius, with the intention of committing suicide by plunging into theburning crater. But standing on its edge and gazing therein, they allsuddenly altered their minds and walked back down the mountain side toPompeii or Herculaneum, where they were supposed to have settled andmarried, and repented, let us hope, of their unkind and unreasonablebehaviour.
Whether either of these stories is true or not, it is certain that therivals disappeared altogether from the country. Unmolested, Bill nowdevoted all his days to minding, and Randall, Noah, Knut, Biddulph,Nero, Ratchett, Hannibal, Quentin, Chad, and his innumerable othercharges never left him, but wandered with him everywhere, even in hisdreams.
Such a minder was Bill!
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THE KING OF TROY]
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Bill the Minder Page 2
