Bill the Minder

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by W. Heath Robinson


  GOOD AUNT GALLADIA

  At first the King seemed disposed to be not a little irritable towardsthe triplets, murmuring something to himself about the extra expense. Agood lunch, however, soon put him to rights, and he was his old cheerfulself again.

  In the afternoon they met upon the road a long thin man with a grin ofthe greatest self-satisfaction widening his otherwise narrow face. Inone hand he carried a cage containing a miserable old bird that couldhardly boast an egg-cupful of feathers on its whole shrivelled body; inthe other he carried a large wooden box. He very good-naturedly stoodaside for the army to move on, but the King, whose curiosity had beenaroused, would not allow him to be passed unquestioned, so he rang alittle bell he always carried with him for the purpose, and the wholeforce at once stopped short. In obedience to a signal from the King, thelong man stepped jauntily before him. 'Anything wrong, old chirpy?' saidhe, addressing the King rather rudely as some thought. 'Not with me,'the King replied with much dignity. 'My only reason for calling youbefore me is to learn why you are so extremely pleased with yourself.Such a secret would be of the greatest value to us all.' 'Because she'sgiven these back to me,' answered the long fellow as he opened his boxand disclosed, all neatly arranged, a beautiful collection of birds'eggs. Every kind appeared to be there, and all of the most beautifulcolours imaginable.

  'But who is she?' queried the King.

  'Why, my good Aunt Galladia, of course, but it's too long a story totell standing up, so let us sit down by the roadside, and you shall hearall about it.'

  Every one now seated themselves on the grass by the side of the road andover a comforting cup of tea, speedily brewed by Boadicea, the long manbegan his story:--

  'My good aunt's full name was Galladia Glowmutton, and she was the onlydaughter of that gallant general, Sir Francis Melville Glowmutton, whodistinguished himself so greatly in the defence of his country.

  'It was my good fortune to spend my earliest days in this goodcreature's company, she, noble soul that she was, having undertaken tolook after me when my poor father and mother disappeared in a sand-stormmany years before.

  'The greater part of her life this good woman had devoted to brighteningthe declining years of her well-loved father, whose arduous life, poorman, had left him in his old age, truth to tell, rather a tiresome, andsometimes a difficult, subject to get on with. However, thanks to herdevotion and patience, he led a tolerably happy life. In the course oftime the old warrior died and left the sorrowing lady well providedfor,--that is, over and beyond necessaries, with sufficient money tokeep up appearances, and even enough for her simple pleasures andhobbies.

  'For some months my good aunt could not fill the blank in her life leftby the loss of her father. So much kindness, however, could not be keptback for long, and was bound in the course of time to find its object.Always with a love for every feathered creature, she at last set aboutgathering around her as complete a collection of them as she couldobtain. Soon she had in her aviaries the most marvellous assembly ofbirds ever brought together even at the Zoo. There were specimens of theParaguay gull, Borneo parrots, Australian gheck ghees, the laughinggrete, Malay anchovy wren that only feeds upon anchovies (and veryamusing indeed it is, too, to watch them spearing the little fish withtheir beaks and then trying to shake them off again), and thegolden-crested mussel hawk, that swoops down from an incredible heightand, snatching its prey from the rocks, again disappears in the sky.Without wearying you with a long list, nearly every known bird wasrepresented in my aunt's collection, from the fierce saw-beaked stork ofTuscaroca to the mild and pretty little Gossawary chick.

  'Much as she prized every one of her pets, she loved most of all thevery rare and beautiful green-toed button crane of Baraboo. So fond wasshe of the stately creature, and so careful of its every comfort, thatshe employed a maid to wait on it alone, and a special cook to prepareits meal of Peruvian yap beans, the delicious and tender kernels ofwhich the dainty creature was inordinately fond of,--and, indeed, theywere the only food upon which it throve.

  'Now, with your permission, a few words about myself. Like my aunt I,too, had birdish leanings, but unlike her in this, that instead of birdsI collected birds' eggs, of which I had a vast number of everyconceivable variety. Ashamed as I am to state it, little did my goodAunt Galladia know how many of the valuable specimens in my collectionwere taken from her aviaries. Nevertheless she viewed my specimens withgrowing suspicion, until at last she implicitly forbade me to collectany more. For a time I desisted, and merely contented myself withgloating over my already vast collection, but in a little whiletemptation became too strong for me and I resumed my pursuits.

  'One afternoon about this time I had mounted a tall tree in theGlowmutton Park, intent on obtaining the contents of a nest built in itshighest branches. For some time I was unable to approach the nest, butat length, by dint of much perseverance, I just managed to reach my handover the top, and took therefrom three beautiful eggs, of a kind as yetunrepresented in my collection. So occupied was I with my prize, that Idid not at first observe what was taking place beneath the tree. But onbeginning to descend, I saw to my horror immediately below me, my AuntGalladia and her pet crane seated at tea, with the crane's maid inattendance.

  I JUST MANAGED TO REACH THE EGGS]

  'Needless to say I did not continue my descent, but climbed out to theend of a branch, high over the group. I waited in dreadful suspense inthe hope that my aunt would not look up, and that they would soon finishtheir meal and depart as quickly as they had arrived, but, alas! theywere in no hurry. I trembled now so much that I could hear the leavesrustling on the branch, and whether it was that in my fear I loosened myhold, or that the branch shook so under my trembling form, or whetherthe sight of a beautiful plum cake, directly over which I was poised,made me lose my nerve, I know not, but certain it is that I fell from myposition right on to the table. Both my aunt and the maid fainted atonce quite away, and the timid green-toed button crane of Baraboo was insuch a terrible flutter that in its excitement it snapped the slendergold chain that held it and flew into the sky, where it was soon lost toview. "Now I've done it," thought I, and, no doubt, should have run awayhad I been able to move, but I was so bruised that I was compelled toremain among the shattered remains of the table and tea things.Presently the maid came to, and then my aunt, and nothing could exceedher rage and grief at losing her valuable pet. They took me home betweenthem and put me to bed, and the severest punishment they could devisewas to take away from me my lovely collection of eggs. "Never,"shrieked my wrathful aunt, "shall you have these again until you bringback to me my beautiful crane."

  I ANGLE THE AIR]

  'After a while I recovered, but no one dared to speak to me, and I mopedabout the house in solitary wretchedness without a single egg tocontemplate.

  'At last I could bear it no longer, and one night I left the housedetermined never to return again without the crane. I took with me anold perambulator, in which I had been wheeled about as a child, andin this I placed six of the delicious kernels of the Peruvian yap bean,besides a hatchet and other things which I thought might be useful on myjourney. I slept in the forest and, on the following morning I cut downthe straightest tree I could find for my purpose, trimmed it to a finelong pole, and on the very top of this I fastened a pin, bent to theform of a fish-hook, which I now baited with one of the yap kernels.

  I fell from my position]

  I ERECTED MY POLE ON THE SANDS]

  '"If anything will attract the bird, this will," thought I, havingfastened the foot of the pole to my perambulator. I now proceeded toangle the air for the lost crane. Carefully following the direction Ihad observed the bird to take when it broke away from its chain, Itravelled for weeks and weeks, without seeing any sign of it. In time,without even a nibble, the first kernel was dissolved and worn away bythe wind and rain, and, in like manner the same fate overcame thesecond, with which I baited my hook; then the third, then the fourth,and then the fifth.

  'St
ill keeping the same direction, by this time I had arrived at thevery edge of the world, beyond which there is nothing but sea and sky.Believing that the poor creature had flown out over this lonely sea, andhoping that it might return when it realised that there was no landbeyond, I determined to wait on the desolate shore.

  'I now erected my pole on the sands, after once more baiting my hook,this time with a piece of my last kernel, having taken the precaution ofcutting it into six pieces. I now waited patiently, week after week,subsisting on the oysters, the starfish, and the edible crustaceans,that wandered tamely about the shore. Months now passed by, and, one byone, the five pieces of my last yap kernel had followed the other fivekernels with which I had set out from home. I am not easily beaten,however, and though many months had passed by without my meeting withany success, I would not give in, but husbanded my last piece of baitwith the greatest care. I cut a chip of wood from my angling pole, andshaped it in the form of a kernel of the Peruvian yap bean. This Irubbed well all over with the tiny piece of the real kernel that yetremained to me, until it assumed somewhat the colour of the originalbean and, certainly, when applied to the tip of the tongue, it appearedto partake, though very slightly, it is true, of the original flavour,and with this I once more baited my hook.

  ITS OLD STATELY SELF AGAIN]

  'By this means I made my last piece of bean last for some years, for assoon as the artificial bean had lost its flavour, I rubbed it up againwith the real one. But even this could not go on for ever, and, at last,the true piece was worn right away; so, to preserve what little flavourthere yet remained of the true bean in the false bean, on which it hadbeen so often rubbed, I soaked it for six days in a large shell ofrain-water. In the meantime I cut another chip from my pole, and spentnearly six days in carving out another artificial kernel. Beforebaiting my hook with this, I dipped it into the fluid in which the oldwooden kernel was still soaking, whence it received a very very faintsuggestion of the original flavour, but so faint was this that it had tobe redipped three times a day. This went on for some time, until theprecious liquor began to run low, and I was compelled to dilute it stillfurther, in the proportion of about five drops to a mussel-shellful ofwater, into which the wooden kernel was now dipped ten or twelve times aday.

  'Well, I had been at this game, I should say, getting on for twentyyears, and now resolved to have done with it, after risking all on onethrow. So I dropped my wooden kernel, all rotted and weather-beaten asit was, into what little there remained over of the pure liquor, thistime without diluting it at all, and then let it stew all day in thesun.

  'In the evening the liquor was all evaporated, and the wooden beanseemed to the taste as though it possibly might have been in thevicinity of a real one some time before. On that evening, for the lasttime, I baited my hook and slept soundly at the foot of the pole.

  'I was awakened next morning by the wind that had arisen during thenight, and a great wrenching noise, as it tore my poor old angling-polefrom its place in the sand, and carried it out to sea.

  '"That settles it once and for all," thought I, much relieved, "and I'moff home," and I set about getting my things together. While I was thusengaged, it occurred to me that the old pole might be useful for fires,so I swam out for it. Already it had been blown some way out to sea,and, as the tide was against me, it was only with a very great exertionof strength that I gained at all upon it, and I was just about to giveit up when I beheld, fastened to the bent pin at the end of the pole,the wretched crane. The sight lent me greater strength, and, afterincredible exertions, I reached the pole almost exhausted. We were nowtoo far from the shore to attempt to return, so I got astride the pole,and immediately proceeded to unfasten the unhappy fowl from my bent pin.At first I thought the poor thing dead, but I nursed it in my arms allthrough the ensuing night, and, on the following morning, happening toglance down its half-opened beak, I could just see that my woodenimitation of the kernel of the Peruvian yap bean had become lodged inits throat. This I at once removed, and, to my great joy, the dejectedfowl almost immediately opened its eyes. Soon it became its old statelyself again, though now I could see that the poor thing had aged veryconsiderably since it left home.

  'Well, to cut a long story short, at length the gale ceased, and welanded safely on the shore, much nearer to our home, and, after manyvicissitudes and adventures, of which I shall have great pleasure intelling you at another time, we eventually arrived at GlowmuttonCastle.

  'To my grief I learnt that my good aunt, Galladia, had died many yearsbefore of old age, and that, true to her own good-nature, her lastcommands were that if ever I should return with her dearly-loved fowl,my collection of eggs was to be handed back to me, and in recompense forall my privations and exertions to recover the bird, I was to have thecare of it and the comfort of its society as long as it lived. So, nowyou see why I am so pleased with myself.'

  The King and the whole army were charmed with the recital, and the longman, whose many noble qualities had already endeared him to them, wascordially invited to join the forces.

  'It's all one to me, my cronies,' said the good-natured creature, andthey all trudged on.

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  THE DOCTOR]

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