THE REAL SOLDIER
After travelling some days, they came across a real soldier seated atthe side of the road, and Bill at once persuaded the King to invite sovaluable a man to join their expedition. The King therefore left hischariot and approached him, and asked the noble-looking fellow if hewould care to make one of their party, and, if so, whether he had a goodcharacter from his last general, and the old warrior replied:--
'Allow me, my good sirs, to recite to you one of my most noteworthyachievements, one of which, peradventure, you may not have read in thenumerous books filled with accounts of my exploits. I shall thus removeany trace of doubt that may linger in your minds as to my great courageand astute generalship.'
All expressing their eagerness to hear the story, the wordful oldwarrior proceeded:--
'As near as I can remember, it was in the early fifties when, a meredrummer-boy, with the bloom of early boyhood still gracing my braveyoung cheek, I marched with the gallant 53rd or, as you may possiblyknow them, the King's Own Royal Roebucks, to the relief of the Isle ofWight. This island, at the time I mention, was blockaded by thatnotorious filibuster, Reginald Bendbrisket, a rogue who, possessed ofthe greatest audacity and cunning, had earned for himself an unenviablereputation, from Margate to Samoa, by the terrible extent of hisdepredations.
'You will all doubtless remember how, disappointed in his endeavours tousurp the throne of Pitcairn Island, he had impudently resolved to makea sudden raid upon the Isle of Wight; and thus to feed his owninsatiable greed and, at the same time, appease the disappointed rage ofhis desperate followers, he would have plunged the peaceful littleisland into abject misery. What tempted him thereto none can guess withany certainty, unless indeed it were the many false reports, spreadabroad by the unscrupulous, of the gold, silver, and diamonds to befound there; of the extensive quarries, rich in the finest hearthstone;and of the natural paraffin springs, that could provide the world withthe purest oil; and many other reports, alike false and discreditable totheir inventor and to those who repeated them to the credulous stranger.
'Had the rogue been successful in his latest raid, his small band offollowers (mayhap increased to a powerful army by the hordes ofdiscontented periwinkle-gatherers, prawners, and lobster-potterers thatearn a scanty living on our shores) would, without doubt, have had attheir mercy the Isle of Sheppey and the numerous other Islets thatornament our coasts. And then, from these a sudden and successfuldescent on Ludgate Hill would have rendered him master of the whole ofLondon. Now I am going to tell you how the courage and forethought of asimple drummer-boy frustrated all his schemes, and brought to his kneesone of the most unscrupulous enemies that has ever invaded our shores.
'To come back to the beginning of my story, we had a comfortable journeydown, the tedium of which had been greatly relieved by delightfulconversation and intellectual chatting, each in his turn considerablyastounding the others by the amount of intelligence he displayed. Thesepursuits were again varied by interesting recitations, and suchparlour-games as could be conveniently played in a railway carriage. Wearrived in the afternoon at a snug little hamlet on the coast oppositethe island, whence we embarked in a fleet of disused barges anddredgers. We reached our destination, after a fairly calm voyage,without having excited the curiosity of the invaders, only one of whosevessels we passed, and all on board it were so engrossed with thecaptain, who was violently sea-sick, that we passed unobserved.
'We were 2,352 strong, including the gallant 53rd, of which I was amember, a battery of artillery, a camel corps, two squadrons of thesmartest cavalry that ever chased a rabbit across the Hackney Marshes,and a battalion of infantry, so well trained that there was not one ofthe rank and file who could not play quite delightfully on the piano;while the officers were unexcelled at conjuring tricks, with which theyused to amuse the soldiers seated round the camp-fires of an evening. Wewere ably generalled by that best of all officers, Sir Francis MelvilleGlowmutton, whose fame in after years very nearly earned for him thehonour of being mentioned in a popular Encyclopaedia.
'We were met on the beach by a procession of the inhabitants, headed bythe president of the island, all of whom were delighted to see us, andextended to us the most hospitable of welcomes. Without waiting forformal introductions, they fraternised in the most friendly spirit withthe troops who, in turn, were charmed with their reception and, beingquite beyond themselves with gratification, adorned their conversationwith the most graceful compliments to the inhabitants and gratefultributes to their kindness.
'The blockade had lasted barely eight weeks, so that, as yet, theinhabitants of the island were not aware of it, and when they learntfrom the soldiers the real state of affairs, they rejoiced beyondmeasure, and redoubled their congratulations to the army and to eachother, and the president seized the very first opportunity publicly tothank the general for his thoughtfulness in coming to relieve them.
'For quite a long time the handshaking went on, and every one was soamiably excited that the president, anxious that so much good feelingshould not be thrown away, invited every one to spend the evening withhim at his presidency on the Needles.
'And such a bright and happy evening it was too! Every one in the bestof spirits, and entering blithely into all the games! "Oranges andLemons," "Nuts and May," and "Poor Jenny is a-weeping," had never,within the memory of any one present, been played with greater zest,and, what was more wonderful, never had the rather trying game of "Huntthe Slipper" provoked less ill-temper since it was first introduced intothis country at the Norman Conquest.
THE REAL SOLDIER]
'The joy of the frolicsome ones was only equalled by that of the olderinhabitants and the elderly officers, who, seated on chairs placed forthem round the wails of the hall, fairly shook with laughter andmerriment, until the tears rolled down their handsome old cheeks.
'At last, with flushed and happy faces, all sat down to a splendid coldsupper provided by the President, but it was some little time before thefeast could proceed, as every one was so well-behaved that there wasquite a turmoil of passing things to one another. At last, however,every one was served, and the supper proceeded with the greatest mirthon all sides.
'After a while the president stood up to make a speech, and had only gotas far as, "Ladies and Gentlemen, it is not that we----" when, toeverybody's consternation, there was a loud knock at the door and,without waiting to be asked, in stalked the notorious Reginald himself.
'Having approached the table, he slowly withdrew his gaze from therefreshments (to which it had wandered on his entry), and, drawinghimself to his greatest height, demanded of the president the instantsurrender of the island to him as his rightful property, averring thatit had been left to him by an aunt, whose favourite he had been. Then,putting his hand to his bosom, he drew thence an old roll of parchmentwhich, indeed, proved to be the Will of one Martha Grub. This he handedto the president, who read aloud therefrom the following clause, whichhad been underlined:--
'And I do bequeath unto my good sister's son, the shapely Reginald Bendbrisket, inasmuch as he has shown some kindness unto my black cat, now dead alas! twenty jars of the good plum preserve I did make last fall as well as five yards of the good garden hose wherewith I did heretowhile water my cabbages in the droughty seasons, the rest to be cut up and divided equally amongst my other nephews and nieces to be used by them as they may see fit whatsoever.
'At their demise the said pieces shall be delivered up to the said Reginald, who will once more unite the fragments and pass the completed hose on to his heirs for ever.
'For his goodness in undertaking thus to carry out my wishes I do also bequeath unto the before-mentioned Reginald the Island of Wight situate at the south coast of England.
'On reading this the president turned very pale and every one trembled,never having dreamt of the strength of the invader's position. But beinga bit of a lawyer, the president very soon rallied and replied to thefilibuster, in as courtly a manner
as he could assume, that he was boundto admit that his aunt Martha had, without doubt, left the island tohim, and that he would be the last man to dispute the fact--here therogue, vainly imagining that he was about to realise his greatest hopes,could not conceal his satisfaction, and helped himself to asandwich--"But hold!" cried the president in a terrible voice, "I dodispute that it was hers to leave."
'BUT HOLD!' CRIED THE PRESIDENT]
Reginald completely lost his temper]
'At this the irascible Reginald completely lost his temper and hurledthe sandwich with such fury to the ground that it broke one of thegorgeous tiles that ornamented the floor. "Have you," said he, "theaudacity to doubt the word of my aunt Martha? Have you the face to standthere and dispute the will of that excellent woman, written when dyingof a broken heart at the death of her black cat, and whose only solacewas the company of her dutiful nephew? Then your fate be upon yourown head." And he strode out of the hall gnashing and grinding his teethin the most terrible manner, only stopping to pick up the sandwich whichhe had thrown down in his outburst of passion.
'YOUR FATE BE UPON YOUR OWN HEAD']
'When the door had slammed to with terrific force behind him there was agreat silence in the hall, and we all looked at one another with scaredfaces. Soon every one arose from the table, and silently left thebanqueting-hall to prepare for the fight which we now knew would come onthe morrow.
'Try as I would, I could not sleep for thinking of the battle in storefor us. I counted more sheep than would have fed our army for sixmonths, but with no result. I then tried elephants, and after thatcamels and zebras, and finally, hoping that their odd shapes might bringme repose, I tried ant bears, but all in vain. At last, in despair, Irose from my hard couch, donned my uniform, and snatching up a cracknel,strode out of my tent.
'Murmuring "Brittle Pantechnicons" (which, by the way, was our password)to the sentry, I strolled idly down to the sea. It was a beautiful andperfectly still night, with not a ripple to disturb the surface of thesea, upon which, here and there, would glow a little shimmer of light asthe phosphorescent turbot rose to its prey. In the distance, and away tothe right, could be seen the camp-fires of the enemy, and thereflections in the pools left by the tide. Ever and anon sounds ofmerriment could be heard as the invaders, heedless of the morrow, spentthe night in revelry. To the left, and further back, could be seen thetents of our forces, not a sound arising therefrom except the lowmonotonous breathing of the soldiers (who were so well drilled that evenin their sleep they breathed in time), or maybe the "Who goes there?" ofthe sentry would sound in the darkness, as he mistook a moth for a spy,or the drone of the beach bee for the war-whoop of the enemy.
'At the water's edge, dark against the starry sky, I found a solitarybathing-machine, beneath which I crept, and here at length my wearinessquite overcame me and I slept. How long I remained thus I cannot tell,but I was awakened by heavy footsteps on the floor of the machine overmy head. My curiosity was intense, but resisting the temptation to rushout and satisfy it, I wisely resolved to remain in my present positionas long as possible.
FLOUNDERING ABOUT IN THE SEA]
'Presently the mysterious tenant of the machine opened its seaward doorand stood revealed in the light of the moon, which had arisen during mysleep, as the terrible Reginald Bendbrisket himself, clothed in a deepblack bathing-suit. I crouched down, not daring to move a muscle, andwas presently relieved to see him, after standing for some time on thesteps of the machine, amble carefully over the stones to the edge of thesea, into which he plunged.
'Now it was that an idea suddenly occurred to me, and I instantly creptfrom my place of concealment, and stealing up to the landward door ofthe machine nailed it fast with the hammer and nails I always carriedwith me to mend my drum, which was not infrequently broken beneath myenthusiastic blows. Having secured the front door, I now crept in atthe back and, doffing my own clothes, soon donned those of theunconscious filibuster, who was still floundering about in the sea.Having effected this change, I crept back to my former position underthe machine, and had barely made myself comfortable there when I saw therogue returning.
'After scrambling painfully over the stony beach he mounted the stepsand entered the machine, and the slam of the door as it closed upon himwas the signal for me to rush out and secure this as I had alreadysecured the front door. Having done this, I waited no longer, but madeoff with all possible speed in the direction of the enemy's camp, whichI had nearly reached, when I heard a most terrible banging from theinterior of the now distant bathing-machine. Losing no time, I enteredthe camp, and, being easily mistaken for their captain, passed onunchallenged.
'Arriving in time at the centre of the camp, I found all the mengathered together, having forsaken their revels, evidently inexpectation of the return of their leader.
IN EXPECTATION OF THEIR LEADER]
'Standing before the villainous crew, I assumed, as nearly as I could,the mien and rough harsh voice of their filibustering captain, andordered them to embark at once and to leave the island, as it had beenreinforced during the night by such a mass of thundering artillery aswould be impossible to withstand, and that they were even now fastapproaching along the beach from the other end of the island where theyhad landed. The men, on hearing this appeared quite incredulous andtheir growls of disbelief grew louder and louder and threatened aterrible mutiny. Having at length gained a hearing, I invited them allto that part of the camp by which I had entered, to hear for themselvesthe approach of the distant hosts. Leading them all, still grumbling andgrowling, a little way beyond the camp, I commanded them all to beabsolutely quiet, and then, in the silence which ensued, could be heardfar away in the direction of the bathing-machine a most terrific andcontinuous banging, together with the sound of muffled shouting.
'The men were aghast, and in the moonlight their swarthy faces could beseen to change to a ghastly white. Then, with an unearthly yell, theyall turned and fled in a wild panic to the boats. They tumbled over andover each other in their anxiety to get away, and many got wet to theskin in their endeavour to reach the boats. At last, to my great joy, Isaw the last of them pull off and reach the ships, which now put on allsail and vanished away for ever.
'I now returned to the bathing-machine, from which still came a terribledin, though not quite so violent as it had been at first.
'Taking hold of the rope that was fastened to it, I began to drag themachine in the direction of our camp, the banging meanwhile graduallysubsiding, until at last only an occasional bang proclaimed the machineto be inhabited. As before, I passed the sentry by murmuring "BrittlePantechnicons" and drew the machine up in front of the General's tent.
'The General, having finished an early breakfast, was just setting outto take a stroll before settling down to plan out the battle, and seeingme, whom he at first took to be Reginald Bendbrisket, the good manreceived quite a severe shock. However, I soon undeceived him, and afterrelating my adventures I unfastened the door of the bathing-machine,and disclosed therein the form of the filibuster on bended knees,imploring our mercy.
'Every one was delighted at such a speedy end to the campaign, for mypart in which I was duly honoured. Reginald Bendbrisket, after a mildpunishment, reformed and became a very respectable gentleman, thepresident kindly using his influence to secure for him a lucrativeposition in a well-known Insurance Office.
'And thus, my good Sirs, it is, that the Isle of Wight still remains oneof our many valued possessions.'
'The very man for me,' thought the King of Troy, when he had finishedhis story, and before proceeding with their journey, he promoted themartial creature to the high position of second General-in-chief of thearmy.
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THE WILD MAN]
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Bill the Minder Page 11
