Twice Shy

by Sally Malcolm

  “Okay.”

  “Not really.”

  “We’ve spoken a lot about how much you wanted children with Helen. It’s natural that, seeing another father, you’d feel envious.”

  “Yeah, but I see parents at school all the time. I thought I’d got past that.”

  Amy nodded thoughtfully. “Something about this single father was different?”

  “Yeah, he was…” Joel shook his head, struggling to put his finger on the reason he kept thinking about Ollie Snow and his kids. Maybe because he knew Rory’s parents had died? “I guess he seemed kind of heroic.”

  “That’s an interesting word choice.”

  “The two kids he’s raising are orphaned and he’s really young to be a parent. I mean, early twenties young, you know? That’s pretty heroic in my book.”

  Amy made a noncommittal ‘hmm’ sound. “And you said you felt jealous.”

  “He was sweet with his kids, affectionate—they were cute together. I wished... I guess I wished I was part of it, part of a family like that.” He sighed and slumped back in his chair. “I really thought I’d let all this go.”

  “Letting go of your anger toward Helen doesn’t mean letting go of your hopes, Joel.” Amy smiled, not her bland smile this time but something more motherly. “You’re still a young man. You have time to build the life you want.”

  “I have,” he said. “This is the life I want.”

  “Is it?”

  “Yes.”

  “So, you’re happy.”

  Joel turned his attention to the garden. It was a beautiful early fall morning, the air had been crisp when he left home but was warming fast, the trees barely tinged with autumn color. A squirrel scampered across the lawn, something large clamped in his jaws. He was probably happy, but he was too stupid to know better. “I don’t know about happiness,” he said when the silence had grown long. “I’d say I was…content. It’s undervalued, contentment.”

  “I value it greatly. As a baseline state, contentment is undoubtedly the goal. Happiness is something different though, you’re right about that.”

  He turned back to her. “You always say I should be happy.”

  “I don’t think you should be anything, Joel. But most people enjoy being happy now and then. I’m interested in why you avoid it.”

  “I don’t avoid it.”

  “Don’t you? You saw a young man with his children and you felt jealous, but that’s something you could strive for: a partner, children, and a family. That’s a life you could achieve.”

  Silence. In the garden, the squirrel scampered up a tree, rattling the leaves. “You know why I like to keep things simple.”

  “I know why you did four years ago, when you were in crisis. But you’re not in that place anymore.”

  “Aren’t I?”

  Her eyebrows rose slightly. “Do you feel that you are?”

  “I—No.” When he thought back on how he’d felt when he first came here—his sense of self shattered, his dreams in ruins, his once-certain future destroyed—he recognized the progress he’d made. But he well knew how fast that could all derail.

  He’d been happy until the day Helen dropped her bombshell and left, and the fall had almost destroyed him. He wouldn’t survive another. “I’m still afraid,” he admitted after a long silence.

  “That’s natural. You went through a huge psychological shock. But you have recovered. That’s not to say you haven’t changed, because life changes us all, but consider this: if you break a leg, the doctors put it in plaster. You need that plaster, it helps you heal. But once your leg is mended, if you’re still walking around with the plaster in place… Well, it’s doing you more harm than good.” He fixed her with a look but didn’t respond. “Your solitary life is the plaster, Joel, and perhaps it’s time to take it off.”

  “What if I don’t want to? What if I’m happy the way I am?”

  After a silence, she said, “But you’re not happy, are you? That’s the point. Happiness is a risk, and you’re afraid to take it.”

  “When it comes to my mental health, I’m very risk averse. Yes.”

  “That’s not always—”

  “Look, I spent years evaluating risk for ABM. I understand risk. And I don’t believe a couple of moments—or even years—of happiness is worth risking what comes after.”

  “What may come after.”

  He spread his hands. “Like I said, happiness is a bad risk. I’d rather keep my life uncomplicated and remain stable.”

  “I think, if that were the case, you wouldn’t still be coming to see me.”

  ∞∞∞

  After his session with Amy ended, Joel headed down to the beach to clear his head. This time of year, with the summer rush over, the town was emptying out and there was plenty of room to lock up his bicycle outside Dee’s Coffee Shop.

  Not to say there weren’t still some tourists in town—the Majestic Hotel was doing a roaring trade these days—and when Joel reached the boardwalk, he could see a group of people in matching Surf Hut t-shirts practicing how to jump into a standing position on boards laid out in a circle on the sand. They were probably from the hotel; he could see Luca Moretti in the center of the group, demonstrating the move. Moretti was difficult to miss—a tall, handsome blond with his wetsuit peeled down to his waist, showing off a well-muscled chest. Joel paused to watch for a moment. Since Helen had left, he’d started noticing guys more and more. Not that he’d ever stopped noticing them while he was married, but he’d been in love with Helen and that had been all that mattered. Now, though, he often found his eyes lingering on a handsome face or lithe male body. It wasn’t exactly attraction, more an awareness. For Joel, attraction had always been about much more than the physical. And it wasn’t anything he wanted to pursue; he hadn’t dated anyone in four years and had no desire to start. At all. The thought of trusting anyone that much again—

  Nope. Never.

  Turning away from the surfers, he walked down onto sand warmed by the morning sun and kicked off his shoes. As always, he headed towards the far end of the beach where the dunes rose up and the wind skipped through the grass. He drew in a deep breath, let it out slowly, and lifted his face to the sky, closing his eyes.

  Content. At peace. Calm.

  Amy was wrong. No reason she had to be right all the time. He knew his own mental health better than anybody and he wasn’t about to risk it chasing dangerous dreams. No, he’d built himself a stable life and he wouldn’t let anything upset it. Certainly not a cute young guy and his adorable kids.

  His stomach growled as he reached the rocks at the end of the beach, close to the Majestic Hotel, and he turned to walk back. Lunch on the back porch beckoned, and then he could start work stripping the wallpaper in the third bedroom. That would fill his afternoon nicely.

  He felt calmer after his walk, more centered, which was lucky because as he reached the steps leading up to the boardwalk, he saw Ollie Snow leaning on the railing gazing out across the water. Rory sat on the boardwalk next to him, slurping a blue slushy, while Luis was in the stroller doing a great job of painting his face with an ice-cream cone. It made a painfully perfect picture and Joel fought off another wave of envy.

  I’ll never have that.

  The wind caught Ollie’s mop of tangled hair, blowing it away from his face and fluttering his t-shirt against his trim body. His eyes were hidden behind sunglasses, but his expression was thoughtful and whatever he was looking at had him captivated. Following his gaze, Joel wasn’t surprised to discover he was watching Luca Moretti.

  Well, why wouldn’t he? Moretti was exactly the sort of guy Ollie would admire: gay, gorgeous, and casually confident about his sexuality. He could see how attractive that would be to a young man like Ollie Snow.

  A quicksilver flare pulsed in his chest, anxiety or excitement. Joel wasn’t sure which and was even less sure why he should feel either. What he did know was that it was time to go home and eat lunch. Stick to his routine.
>
  He hesitated at the foot of the steps, but neither Ollie nor Rory noticed him. Good, he told himself. Good. Shoving sandy feet into his deck shoes, Joel hurried past without saying hello. He didn’t want to get delayed or drawn into anything. Let them enjoy their family time together.

  He had wallpaper to strip.

  Chapter Four

  PTA Committee meeting, Tuesday September 10th

  The following Tuesday, at the end of the school day, Joel was grading books in his classroom when Principal Allen appeared in his doorway. A tall, sometimes awkward woman, she’d been school principal almost as long as Jackie Olson had been chairing the PTA and was greatly respected by staff and parents alike.

  She smiled as she stepped inside, although Joel had learned to beware that particular smile. Gloria Allen was after a favor. “Joel,” she said. “Charming class presentation this morning. Well done.”

  “Thank you, they all worked really hard on it.”

  “And so did you.” Her smile broadened and tensed. “Listen, I wouldn’t usually ask, but—”

  “What do you need?”

  She sighed, gave a dramatic flap of one arm. “Liz—you know she’s expecting? —well, she wants to step down from the PTA committee this year. It’ll be too much on top of her full-time work. And since you…”

  She trailed off, but he mentally filled in the blank with ‘work part-time and don’t have a family’. “You want me to take over as teacher rep on the PTA committee? That’s fine.”

  Gloria blinked, having clearly expected a fight. “Are you sure?”

  “Of course. I usually end up helping at most of the events anyway.”

  “You do.” She beamed, clapping her hands together in a thank you. “You’re a star, Joel. The first meeting’s tonight at seven. At the Rock House.”

  “Tonight?”

  She waved a hand. “If you have plans, don’t worry. Nobody expects you to attend every meeting.”

  “I—” He did have plans, but they were only to drive into Commack and pick up some paint samples from the hardware store. “No, it’s fine. I’ll be there.”

  A thought surfaced once he was alone again: Ollie Snow might be there tonight. But he dismissed the odd idea and returned to his grading. He didn’t care whether the guy was there. Why would he?

  After he’d cycled home, he had an early dinner and was at the Rock House just before seven o’clock. As New Milton’s only bar, the Rock House did good trade—especially in the tourist season. At weekends they apparently had live bands, although Joel had never been to see one, but early on a Tuesday evening in September the place was quiet. He spotted Jackie, Alyssa and about a half dozen other moms gathered in a large semicircular booth near the door. A couple of bottles of wine were already on the table, both half-empty. He bit back a smile; there was a reason they never met at the school, and the need to entice attendees with booze and food was one of them. Not that Joel was judging. Most of these women had fulltime jobs outside the home and did most of the work involved with raising kids too. No surprise they needed an occasional boozy night out.

  “Mr. Morgan!” Jackie waved from her position at the back of the booth. “Mrs. Allen told us you’d be joining us this year. How wonderful!”

  Alyssa, sitting next to her, caught his eye and offered a sympathetic smile. “Drew the short straw, huh?” she said as he took a seat on the end of the semicircular bench.

  “Not at all. I volunteered.”

  “Sure,” Alyssa laughed. “Well at least you won’t be the only guy here tonight.”

  He felt an uncomfortable spike of adrenaline. “I won’t?”

  “Ollie’s coming—hopefully. Cam took Nia around to babysit this evening, but he was pretty nervous about it.”

  “Cam?”

  “Ollie. Apparently, he’s never left the boys with a babysitter before.”

  “Good grief,” another woman said. Sandra? Still dressed in office clothes she looked like she’d come straight from work. “If I didn’t get out at least once a week, I’d go mad.”

  A general murmur of amusement followed and the wine was passed around again. Joel declined and headed to the bar to order a soda. Not that he didn’t drink, but he liked to keep a clear head when he was cycling. He’d only just sat down again, soda in hand, when Ollie Snow arrived looking a little frazzled. He wore a skinny t-shirt and jeans, the studded belt around his hips drawing Joel’s eyes down to— He looked up sharply, startled by the direction of his gaze. And his thoughts.

  “Hey.” Ollie gave a slight, awkward wave.

  “You made it,” Alyssa said, beckoning him over. “Come and sit down. How did it go? The boys okay?”

  He nodded. “I think so. Luis was asleep already. And it’s only a couple of hours, right? Rory seemed fine. I think he’ll be fine. I gave Nia my number so if Rory needs to speak to me— It’s fine. It’ll be fine.”

  Alyssa pushed a bottle of white in his direction. “Sit,” she said. “Relax. Nia loves kids, she’s great with Dalia, my youngest. Stop fretting.”

  “I’m not fretting.” He perched on the other end of the bench, opposite Joel. “It’s just— I haven’t left him before. Sometimes he— Anyway, it’s fine. I gotta do it, right? It’s good for him.” At that moment, he looked up and seemed to notice Joel for the first time. “Oh, hey.” He smiled. “Hi.”

  “Hi.” They looked at each other for a beat longer than casual, neither with anything to say.

  Thankfully, Jackie chose that moment to begin the meeting and Joel escaped the pull of Ollie’s warm brown eyes.

  It was the usual PTA business, looking for fundraising ideas and volunteers to carry them out. Always more of the former than the latter. Jackie and Alyssa dominated, running through the events planned for the year and strong-arming people to take responsibility for organizing them: Charity Car Wash, October Fun Run, Halloween Ice-Scream Social, Fall Festival, Christmas Market, Kids’ Valentine Disco, and the Summer Carnival.

  Joel, as the teacher rep, wasn’t expected to organize anything and he noticed that Ollie kept his mouth shut too. He didn’t blame him. As a single working parent, Ollie Snow had enough on his plate. And, really, how old was he anyway? Couldn’t be more than his early twenties. When Joel looked back at himself at that age, just starting out at ABM after finishing grad school, he’d been earning money hand over fist and partying every night. He couldn’t imagine having been responsible for two young children. Although in retrospect, he wished—

  Nope. That didn’t help.

  Nonetheless he couldn’t help wondering how Ollie had ended up as sole parent of two small boys. Not that it was any of his business. Ollie Snow was a parent at the school, not his friend. He shouldn’t really be thinking about him at all.

  Deliberately, he turned his attention back to Jackie—just in time to find her smiling at him. “Now last year,” she said, “Mrs. Allen was not happy with the car wash taking place on school premises. It caused some damage to the grass, apparently.” If by ‘damage’ you meant turning the sports field into a swamp. Jackie sighed dramatically. “Unfortunately, I’m struggling to find an alternative venue. Mr. Morgan, could you talk to Mrs. Allen about changing her mind?”

  “To be honest, I don’t think she’ll—”

  “How about the hotel?” Ollie piped up, cheeks pinking when everyone turned to look at him. It made him look even younger than he probably was. “They have a huge driveway.”

  Jackie blinked at him. “The Majestic Hotel, you mean?”

  “Yes. On the cliff. I—I was passing the other day. They have an enormous driveway and…and maybe they could sell refreshments, too?”

  “I think we’d want to sell the refreshments,” Jackie said with an indulgent smile. “It is a fundraiser, after all.”

  “Oh, yes. Of course.”

  Joel bristled, indignant at her patronizing tone. “I think it’s a great idea,” he said. “Definitely worth asking. We’d have to choose a day they didn’t have a wedding on,
but maybe some of their guests would like to get their cars washed, too? And local businesses love to get involved in community projects. Good for local buy-in.”

  “You don’t think…?” Jackie cleared her throat delicately. “You don’t think some parents might be put off by the, er, homosexual thing…”

  An awkward silence followed, broken only by the music and the distant clatter of a pool table. Ollie looked tense, lips pressed tight, and Joel was about to respond when Alyssa said, “C’mon Jackie, really?”

  “I’m not saying I mind. But some people—”

  “Can piss off. Excuse my language, but really? What decade are we living in here?”

  “I agree,” Joel said. “That’s not an issue. And if anyone does have a problem with it then that’s their problem not ours.” A general murmur of agreement followed, along with some awkward sipping of wine and embarrassed glances in Ollie’s direction. Keen to show that Ollie had his support, Joel added, “You want me to find out if the guys at the hotel would be up for it?”

  Ollie’s eyes darted to him. “I’ll do it.”

  Joel smiled until he remembered the way Ollie had been watching Luca Moretti on the beach. “Sure,” he said, trying to hang onto his smile. “Do you know the couple who own it?”

  “Um, no. But I’ve—” He flushed. “I mean, if someone else is friends with them…?”

  “Not me,” Joel said. The Majestic Hotel marketed itself as an LGBT-friendly wedding venue, and weddings, wherever they fell on the rainbow spectrum, really weren’t Joel’s thing anymore.

  “You go ahead and get in touch,” Alyssa told Ollie. “My girls had surf lessons with Luca a couple years back and they say he’s ‘super nice’.”

  “Yeah?” Ollie gave an uncertain smile. “Cool. Okay, I’ll— I’ll go see him. Them.”

  Jackie started talking, but Joel didn’t really listen; he was watching Ollie gaze unseeing at the table top, lost in thought.

  “What do you say, Mr. Morgan?”

  He started at the sound of his name, embarrassed to find Jackie watching him expectantly. “I’m sorry. What was that?”