Twice Shy

by Sally Malcolm

  “I love seeing you like this,” Ollie said from behind him. Their eyes met in the mirror and Ollie smiled. “Unbuttoned—literally and figuratively.” His eyes glittered, but they were warm with amusement. Fond, even.

  Joel felt fond too, very fond. He dried his hands and turned around, catching Ollie around the waist and pulling him in. He kissed him softly, letting his affection swell. “You have no idea what you do to me,” he said, with more honesty than was comfortable. “I didn’t think I could feel like this again.” He wasn’t sure he’d ever felt quite like this, not this heady mix of sexual and romantic attraction.

  Ollie smiled at him, looping his arms around Joel’s neck. “Feel like what?”

  “Spellbound.”

  “Spellbound.” He said the word like he was tasting it. “Mmm, I like the sound of that.”

  Joel kissed him again, body melting into the contact as they pressed together from chest to toe, fingers tangling in each other’s hair. Impossibly, Joel felt his cock taking an interest. But he had to leave now; it was late already. Reluctantly, he pulled back. “I should get going.”

  Try as he did to hide it, there was no mistaking the flash of disappointment in Ollie’s eyes. “You can’t stay the night?”

  Joel’s heart pinged. “No. I— I shouldn’t be here when Rory wakes up. If he says something at school…”

  “Right.” Ollie’s arms slid from around Joel’s neck to hug himself instead. He gave a quick smile, so different from his earlier warmth that Joel felt it like a slap. “You want to take your car?” Ollie asked as he headed out of the bathroom. “It’ll be cold as—”

  Joel snagged his arm, stopping him. “Do you want me to stay?”

  “Well. Yes, of course, but—” He sagged, his expression losing its chilly edge. “I don’t like secrecy, I told you that. But I get it, okay? And anyway, you’re right. I don’t want to confuse Rory, especially if… Well, we don’t know where this is going, do we?”

  “No.”

  Only maybe he did. Maybe the powerful feelings Ollie stirred up in him could only lead in one direction. For Joel, at any rate. But who knew how Ollie might feel in the long run? In the end, he might decide he’d rather be with someone else, and if that happened, Joel didn’t need the whole town knowing he hadn’t been enough for Ollie.

  Just like he hadn’t been enough for Helen.

  Chapter Seventeen

  Charity Christmas Market, Saturday December 14th

  “Luis. Luis! You have to put your shoes on because we’re going to see Santa,” Rory patiently explained, while Ollie tried to wrestle the screaming toddler into his shoes. “Don’t you want to see Santa? He’ll give you a present.”

  Luis, red-cheeked and over-tired from teething, was not interested in Rory’s logic. “No,no,no,no…”

  “Fine!” Ollie snapped, finally losing his patience. He shoved the shoe into his coat pocket, scooped Luis up—one shoe off, one shoe on—and said, “Rory, put your coat on. We’re going to be late.”

  “Late for Santa? Will he leave?”

  “No.” Ollie took a breath. He’d had a miserable Luis in bed with him since two o’clock in the morning, and neither had slept. So he was tired and grouchy, his head muzzy and limbs jittery with fatigue. He’d been looking forward to today, to hanging out with Joel and the boys at the market, and now he felt too tired to enjoy it properly. Tired and pissed off and trying not to show it. He fixed on a smile. “But we’re helping Mr. Morgan set up the stand in the market first, before the singing around the tree. So, come on. Can you grab Luis’s bag for me? Good job, Rory. You’re a big help.”

  With Luis still wailing and struggling in his arms like a landed fish, Ollie picked his way carefully downstairs to the hallway. He hadn’t even had time to collapse his bed this morning and hated leaving the apartment in such a mess. But at least he wouldn’t need to bother making the bed up again later. He’d crash out as soon as the kids went to sleep. Assuming Luis slept.

  Please God let him sleep.

  It had snowed earlier in the week, and although it was warmer now there were still piles of slushy gray muck lingering at the edges of the parking lot. Including the slumped remains of Mr. Frosty, the snowman he and the kids had built together after work on Thursday night. His carrot nose had slid down to a rather unfortunate location and Ollie had to bite back a sudden, welcome, laugh at the sight before he fought Luis into his car seat.

  He shut the door with some relief, muting the sound of Luis’s protesting howls. Well, this afternoon would be fun. But a promise was a promise, and even if he hadn’t been looking forward to seeing Joel again, he didn’t let people down: he’d told Jackie he’d help, so help he would. Anyway, it had to be better than sitting around the apartment with a grizzling two-year-old. Maybe the distraction and cold air would settle Luis enough to sleep, which is what the poor little guy needed. And not only him.

  Once Rory was buckled in, they set off. Ollie was getting too used to driving Joel’s car and rather liked its low electric hum. It felt good to know that he wasn’t pumping out carbon and particulates every time he took Rory to school. Had he been able to afford one himself, he’d definitely have bought a low emission car. For the sake of the two boys in the back seat as much as anyone else; they deserved clean air in their pristine young lungs.

  Of course, he didn’t have that luxury and needed to figure out how the hell he was going to get his old gas guzzler back on the road. He couldn’t drive Joel’s car forever. But the thought of that, of the money it would involve, spiked a flare of anxiety and he shoved the problem aside. He couldn’t think about it now.

  One advantage of arriving early was that he snagged a parking spot on the street outside Dee’s Coffee Shop, opposite the parking lot where the market was being held. He’d noticed the enormous Christmas tree go up yesterday and this morning it was wreathed in multicolored lights with a star twinkling on top.

  “Hey, look at the tree boys,” he said as he parked. “See how tall it is?”

  “Can we have one that big?” Rory asked.

  Ollie laughed. “There’d be no room left for us!”

  The drive had soothed Luis somewhat and Ollie managed to get him into the stroller without too much resistance. “Hey,” he said as he crouched down, buckling him in, “Rory, can you see what’s behind the tree?”

  “Santa’s sleigh!” Rory exclaimed, jumping up and down. “He’s here already! He’s here!”

  The night from hell melted away under the warm flow of affection and he wrapped an arm around Rory, tugging him close and kissing his soft hair. It was too long and needed a cut, but oh well. He kissed him again. “I think Santa might be having a coffee or—”

  “Duh!” Rory said, squirming out of Ollie’s grip. “Santa doesn’t like coffee. He likes milk and cookies!”

  Ollie bumped his own forehead with the heel of his hand. “Stupid, Ollie! Of course he does. I’ll bet he’s doing that right now and fixing some carrots for the reindeer.”

  Rory made a face. “Carrots are gross.”

  “Rudolph doesn’t think so,” Ollie said, pushing back to his feet. “And neither does Luis. He likes carrots.”

  “Luis is a baby.”

  “I like carrots.”

  Rory didn’t have a reply to that. Smiling, Ollie took his hand and they crossed the street to the market where several stalls were already setting up. Among them Dee’s Coffee Shop had a stand selling hot beverages and festive cookies. Next to it he spotted a book stall with a beautiful painted wooden sign that read ‘Bayside Books’. Behind the table sat a familiar figure: Alfie Carter, the mechanic who’d towed Ollie back to town after his accident.

  “Hey,” Ollie said as they passed. “How’s it going?”

  Alfie was a handsome man, the kind of guy who’d probably been captain of the high school football team. He had that easy confidence about him. “Pretty good,” he said, standing up. “I’ve still got your car.”

  Ollie made a face. �
�Yeah, I know. Sorry, I—” He glanced down at Rory. “The insurance isn’t going to cover the repairs and I don’t know—”

  “Hey.” Alfie held up a hand, stopping him. “How about you stop by some time and we’ll talk about options?”

  “Yeah? That would be great, thank you.” He smiled, genuine relief washing away a little more of last night’s weariness. “You, uh, sell books, too?” It seemed an odd fit.

  Alfie laughed. “I love books, but this is my fiancé’s stand. I think you met him? Leo Novak. He called me after your”—a glance down at Rory—“incident.”

  The accident was something of a blur of stress and bad memories but of course he remembered standing in the road stopping traffic. “Right,” he said, his smile broadening. “Yes, of course. He’s your fiancé?”

  The grin that split Alfie’s face was enormous. “Yeah, getting hitched in the spring. Up at the Majestic.”

  “That’s awesome. Congratulations.”

  “Thanks man, we— Oh, hey, here he is.”

  A slight, trendily dressed man slipped around the back of the stand. In one hand he held the leash of a beautiful Golden Retriever, who snuffled happily at Alfie’s hand as he began to pet him, and in the other a coffee. Ollie recognized the heavy-rimmed glasses behind which pale eyes took him in with one quick assessment. No flies on him, Ollie thought. He smiled politely.

  “Here I am,” Leo said, glancing at Alfie with an enquiring look as he handed him his coffee.

  Alfie smiled and there was such warmth, such tenderness between them that something pinged in Ollie’s chest. “You remember Ollie Snow?” Alfie said, slipping his arm around Leo’s waist.

  Their gaze lingered on each other for a moment longer before Leo said, “Of course,” and turned back to Ollie. “I hope you were okay after the acc—?”

  “Fine!” Ollie said quickly, cutting him off before he could say the A word in front of Rory. “We’re great. I’m, uh, helping on the PTA stand today. I should probably go find them.”

  “We’ll see you around,” Alfie said. “And I mean it, stop by and we’ll talk options.”

  “I will. Thank you. And thanks again for your help that day—both of you.”

  Alfie waved it off. “Not a problem.”

  Ollie left them with one final wistful look at all that open affection and headed toward the other side of the lot. He’d spotted Jackie and Alyssa hauling boxes out of the trunk of Alyssa’s car. Joel appeared a moment later, carrying a table out of the church hall. Wrapped up against the weather, he looked handsome in a heavy wool coat, his hair hidden under a dark hat. Ollie smiled, his mood lifting.

  “Hellooo, Ollie!” Jackie trilled.

  Joel looked up, their eyes met, and he gave a small guarded smile of greeting. No doubt wary around Jackie now, he was keeping things low-key. Even so, Ollie felt the warmth in his gaze, and it did his weary bones good.

  “Hey,” he said coming over. He smiled at Jackie. “What needs doing?”

  “Mwah!” she said, air kissing both cheeks. “I’m going to be very naughty and ask you boys if you can manage the rest of the set-up alone.” She fluttered her eyelashes flirtatiously and Ollie had to smile. “Alyssa and I both have children in the choir, and we need to head up to the school to help them, er, get ready.”

  “Nothing to do with Finn Callaghan and Josh Newton turning up to sing with the kids,” Alyssa said in a stage whisper. “No sirree Bob.”

  Finn Callaghan was a TV actor. Not only did his brother live in town, but Finn had recently invested in the Majestic Hotel. So he and his husband often visited New Milton. Ollie had never caught a glimpse of them, at least not so far as he was aware. But TV shows about vampire hunters had never really been his thing; he preferred his fictional crime solving to be of the forensic variety.

  Joel said, “Josh Newton used to teach music at the school when I first started there. Nice guy. Kinda quiet.”

  “Handsome, too,” Jackie said with a girlish giggle.

  Joel turned his attention back to unpacking the boxes. “Well, I wouldn’t know about that.”

  Something heavy settled in Ollie’s chest to hear Joel deny himself like that. Disappointment, he supposed. “You should head up to the school,” he told Jackie. “Joel and I can manage.”

  “Sure we can,” Joel said. “I bet Rory’s going to help us too, aren’t you?”

  “I’m gonna see Santa.”

  “Yeah? Is Luis going with you?”

  Rory shrugged. “I don’t know. Luis only wants one shoe on.”

  “He only wants one shoe on?”

  “We had sartorial differences this morning,” Ollie explained, pulling the other shoe out of his coat pocket.

  “Ah,” Joel said, smiling.

  Ollie smiled back helplessly. “He’s cranky this morning. It was a long night—teething.”

  He was aware of someone clearing their throat and looked over to find Alyssa watching them with raised eyebrows and an ‘ah-hah!’ expression on her face. “Baby Tylenol for the teething, Ollie. Knocks them out like a double bourbon.” She smiled widely. “I’ve unloaded all the boxes of decorations, so you just need to arrange them on the table. They’re labeled by class. I’ll be back to help when the singing’s over.”

  “Thanks,” Ollie said, feeling his cheeks heat at the sparkling look in her eye. Maybe Alyssa was the source of the rumor?

  But the truth was, anyone with a working pair of eyes would be able to see the connection between him and Joel. Somehow Ollie’s feelings kind of overflowed when they were together, not that he’d ever found keeping his feelings to himself easy. And being with Joel just felt so right.

  No, it felt more than simply right. It felt inevitable.

  He glanced back at Joel, busy unpacking glitter-covered pine cones, wobbly clay stars, and lopsided pompom snowmen. Hand made by First Grade. It would be quite something, Ollie thought, to have Joel Morgan in his life for real. But who knew whether Joel would ever be ready for that? Even the rumor of a relationship had him freaked out.

  Pushing the question aside—he’d get no answer today—he said, “Come on, Rory, let’s help Mr. Morgan while we wait for Santa to arrive.”

  “But when is he going to arrive?” Rory sighed dramatically, and it warmed Ollie to see him so bothered about something so normal for a six year old.

  Joel said, “He’s going to lead the parade first. Then, after the singing’s over, you can go see him in his grotto.” He nodded toward the church hall behind them. “It’s in there.”

  “Gwotto,” Luis announced from the stroller. The cool air had calmed his red cheeks, but he was still chewing manically on his teether toy, drooling into his coat like a puppy. Digging around under the stroller, Ollie pulled out a relatively clean burp cloth and tried to dry off his face and the front of his coat. He should have put a bib on him before they left home, he realized. Damn.

  “You look tired,” Joel said quietly.

  “Thanks.” Why did people always think it was a good idea to point that out? He knew he looked tired; he was tired.

  Joel grimaced as if he could hear Ollie’s grumpy thoughts. “Here,” he said, and snagged Luis’s shoe from Ollie’s coat pocket. He slipped it on Luis’s waving foot while Ollie was still drying off his face. Luis didn’t bat an eye, too busy struggling against Ollie and the burb cloth to notice.

  Ollie smiled at Joel as he gave Luis back his teether, pushing back to his feet with a groan that made him sound like an old man. “Thanks.”

  “Can I get you a coffee or something? Donut?”

  “I’m already wired on caffeine and sugar. I’ll be fine. I’m used to getting by on a couple hours sleep.”

  For a moment he thought Joel might reach out and offer a comforting hug. That’s what he really wanted. His body ached to be held, just for a moment. Joel’s hand twitched in his direction but then fell back to his side. Too many people around.

  Disappointed, Ollie got down to work. He figured most of the gifts
would be bought by the parents of the child who’d made them, and so took great care to set them out next to the right class label. They made for an adorable display. “Hey, which one’s yours?” he asked Rory, looking over the table to where the kindergarten decorations were displayed.

  Rory went to investigate, and then pointed. “That one. My snowman has a stripy hat, look.”

  Rainbow stripes, Ollie noted with a smile. “He looks fantastic. I’m buying him right now before anyone else snaps him up. How much is he, Rory?”

  Rory looked at Joel who said, “One dollar.”

  “One dollar,” Rory repeated.

  Pulling out his wallet, Ollie handed his dollar to Rory. Joel held out the cash box so Rory could deposit the money, and then Rory handed Ollie his snowman. “You know what?” Ollie said, examining Rory’s creation. He had a crooked smile, wonky eyes, and a short triangular nose. “This guy is going on top of our tree this year.”

  “But you have to put an angel on the top,” Rory said. “Or a star. Mrs. Benton said so.”

  Ollie raised his eyebrows. “Rory, sweetheart, if we want a snowman on top of our tree we can have a snowman. We don’t always have to be the same as other people.”

  Rory grinned. “Alright.”

  “Alright.” Ollie tucked the decoration away in Luis’s bag under the stroller to keep it safe and was just standing up when he caught sight of Luca Moretti. While they’d been talking, people had started arriving and Luca was standing with Theo Wishart in line for coffee at Dee’s stall. They didn’t hold hands but stood close enough that their shoulders bumped as they talked. They looked happy, relaxed in each other’s company.

  What were the odds, he wondered, of both him and Luca being gay? He had no idea if that was common among siblings, but he was glad of it in his case—it gave them something in common beyond an asshole father. Perhaps it was even something they could bond over eventually.

  Not that he’d gotten any further in approaching Luca again. His abortive attempt to visit him at the Majestic had put him off. He couldn’t shake the idea that the accident had been an omen. Or a warning. Which was bullshit, of course. Nevertheless, it had put him off. Or perhaps it had just played into his underlying inclination to avoid another confrontation. Because there was no guarantee that Luca would respond any differently this time than he had the first. What if he really wanted nothing to do with Ollie and the boys? If that were the case, what the hell was Ollie even doing in New Milton? He might as well—