by Vikas Khanna
Vikas Khanna
BLOOMSBURY INDIA
Bloomsbury Publishing India Pvt. Ltd
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First published 2018
Copyright © Vikas Khanna, 2018
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E-ISBN:978-93-88038-03-4
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Photo credits: Rajesh Kumar Singh
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To,
The promise-keepers of friendship
Contents
Prologue – A Divided Birth
The River Back Home
Tamasha
Temple of Fireflies
The Birth of Light
The Legacy of Nothing
The Lost Spring
The Faces in the Shadows
A Pouch of Color
The Flower of Faded Orange
The Bird Flies
Epilogue
Acknowledgements
Prologue—A Divided Birth
A newborn was dumped face-down in the rotting heaps of garbage, left to fight for her survival amongst the rats and stray dogs and the refuse of society. Somehow no one, not one person, seemed to hear her cry. How could they? Their ears were hardened to the likes of her. What is the significance, after all, of a life struggling to be born in a city where people come to die?
It is said a baby’s first cry is a celebration of the seamless, mostly colorless, sometimes odorless air that enters softly through her mouth and nose, to power her lungs and transform into life-giving breath. In Varanasi, this air is a potent combination of dust, sandalwood and rose-scented incense, the vibrations of chants and slokas, the mist of the Ganga, the death crackle of burning pyres and, of course, the spirit of survival.
But today, at this moment, this story, this life trembles on the edge of an echo.
It is believed that when Ravana was born he screamed so loud that his father Vishrava named him “Ravana” after the terrifying sound he made. But here, at this moment, even that terrifying roar would not have been heard amidst the honking and chanting.
For this vulnerable shame of society to survive, she would have to be louder. Louder than the chants and the temple’s ringing bells, louder than the lung-challenging sounds of the conch, louder than the unheeded, bullying horns of vehicles on the streets, and louder than the voice of light.
This child needed a miracle.
Today, if this silent voice were to win, it might yet save humanity.
Luckily, a garbage collector, an old woman in a yellow saree, noticed her. Ironically, she was deaf; deaf by birth, not by social norms.
The old woman in the yellow saree was revered as something of a saint in the narrow streets of Varanasi. If relatives and friends happened to catch sight of her as they carried the dead body of a loved one on a bamboo bier towards Manikarnika Ghat, they always stopped their chanting of “Ram Naam Satya Hai” and bowed low. None was quite sure if they did this out of respect for her, or fear. She was poor, very poor. But she could compete for a spot in the Forbes Billionaires’ power list—the real power list—because she had it in her to save lives, one at a time. And so, the little girl lying face-down in the dirt, who was destined to fight the world, was rescued by the old woman and taken to the Nameless House with Pink Walls, where she was named “Choti,” meaning, simply, “small thing”.
It was the early nineteen-eighties, near the Varanasi Ghats.
The River
Back Home
New Delhi, 2012
Wherever you begin, wherever you end, we all return to the river…
“Ma’am, but what was the reason? What inspired you go to the Supreme Court to fight this battle, against religion, against society, against ancient customs…?”
“Tell me, what religion teaches differences among people? And anyway, I wasn’t fighting against anyone, I was fighting for someone…”
She watched the short news-clip about her that had been playing on loop throughout the day, followed by the camera cutting to the expert panelists on the show. In a minute, the talk had turned into a slanging match. There was no mention of the injustice done to the widows. Nothing about the extreme life of renunciation they had been condemned to live. Their lives lived in perpetual mourning, not even a spot of color allowed on their person. The argument paid no regard to history, or memory, or fact. It was about nothing. It just was.
The news blared on from the TV in their cramped one-bedroom apartment in north Delhi. The silence in her head began to swell louder than the clamor on TV, until the screaming on the news channel became just so much white noise. Its shrillness penetrated her most silent reaches with its senseless acrimony, unsettling her further.
The front door of their apartment was the color of deep marigold. A garland string of shriveled lemons and green chillies hung atop its worn frame to ward off the evil eye. The living room centered around a small dining table adorned with a vase of plastic sunflowers and had blue walls from which hung many photographs of mother and daughter: graduation pictures, birthday pictures, and all the newspaper clippings of each of her victorious legal cases.
She heard her mother’s firm but soothing voice cut through the clamor, at close enough range to become a calming voice-over to her frantic thoughts. “I have packed you some paranthas and mango pickle, dear. And water. Remember, drink plenty of water every day to keep healthy. And don’t forget your files,” Ma pointed from the kitchen across the room at the pile of legal folders she had left on the table.
She stood, leaning against the bed, in her saree with its pink, fresh-as-the-beginning-of-spring floral print and her light green blouse that offset the leaves of the pattern. When she heard her mother say “file,” her heart leapt again and she stared across the room at the dusty brown cardboard folder with the words “Supreme Court Orders” typed out on a manual typewriter.
She was in the bedroom, struggling to fit in the last of her belongings into the old gray polyester duffel bag she always traveled with, but the buzzing noise inside had paralyzed her. Any real arguments and issues that might otherwise have emanated from the TV were rendered insignificant by the acrimonious bluster created by the panel of talking heads. One moment’s insignificant gnat of an issue abruptly became the next moment’s roiling Pacific Ocean.
“Beta! Child, are you listening to me?” Ma said, louder.
She picked up the remote and snapped off the TV, then went back to packing her things, pretending not to hear her mother.
“Why did do you do that?” Ma said, tossing the edge of her pashmina shawl lightly over her Punjabi suit, as she walked up to her.
“Ma, it’s just a bunch of nonsense,” she said. “It drives me mad.”
Ma nodded. “I was watching the evening news and had to listen to that politician Ramchandra and his supporters stave off all charges against him again. I know you are working to bring him to justice, but I am really
frightened that you are standing up too tall against these corrupt, powerful goons. It doesn’t give me a good feeling.”
Standing amidst what felt like all the possessions she owned in the world, now somehow neatly contained on the floor and bed, she turned to her mother. “Amma, you know I have no choice. It’s my sworn duty,” she said.
Ma’s eyes filled with tears as she stepped out onto the small balcony where the setting sun gently soaked the walls in lingering shadows, creating shapes that always seemed to her to be trying to tell her something. At twilight, Ma’s west-facing kitchen always glowed with a grayish-orange and muted-blue aura, one that subtly changed depending on the season. Even the smallest of their windows captured the last glowing rays of the sun.
In her mind, she kept hearing the daily chant Ma deployed to make her ever cautious about her job. Dangerous, very dangerous, dangerous, very dangerous, stay away from criminals, culprits, and corruption… Ma would even call her at office to chant her lecturing mantra over the phone. She had, guiltily, started putting her mother’s calls on mute. Of course, when Ma delivered her lectures in person, she couldn’t possibly ignore her.
She became deeply aware of the concern in her mother’s face. Every new wrinkle under her eyes, every new gray hair rising from the side of her head, and every changing contour of her face, pressed their concern into her heart.
“Back when I was a journalist, there was much more accountability than there is today. We actually had to get to the root of issues, not just entice people with them like fast food and—” Ma began her most-repeated mantra, and she grinned as she cheekily cut in, “—We have to bring on the revolution by revealing the truth, not by seeking ratings.”
She laughed as her mother hovered the flat of her hand near her face in a mock slap at her darling child’s impertinence, and followed her into the kitchen, inhaling the cloud of steam rising from the pot of masala chai she was brewing with crushed cardamom. The aroma made her feel safe and somehow healed of her worries. Ever since the day she and her colleagues had won the precedent-setting landmark case, her anxiety about what lay ahead had been greatly comforted by Ma’s simple daily cooking ritual.
As Ma stood stirring the tea, peering into the pot, she reached around her mother’s waist and embraced her from behind burying her face into the older woman’s shoulder.
Ma turned and held her face in her hands as she had since she was a little girl. “I could always come with you, child,” she said. “We’ve worked all our lives for this moment. I’ve been there with you before. Let me come, child, just to be close at hand in case it gets too dangerous for you.”
“Ma, it’s you who has prepared me every day just for this one day. You are with me every moment,” she said.
She’d had this discussion with her mother at least a hundred times, ever since she had won the case. “Ma, we won because of you. You were the one who nurtured the truth, strength, and dignity in me to fight for people’s rights. It was you who made this day possible after fighting for years in the Supreme Court in Delhi. Now we are ready to face Ganga Ma. We have kept our promise.”
When Ma lowered her eyes, she thought she saw the sheen of tears.
Her trip to Varanasi, her lost and tender Varanasi, the Varanasi of her childhood, was all planned now. This time she had to do it alone. She recalled the moment when she had proudly extended her left hand, palm-up, to receive the Supreme Court’s order amid the exuberant, relieved cheers of the crowd and suddenly heard the presiding judge’s voice boom: “Everything auspicious is received with both hands.” Immediately, she’d thrust both her hands out to receive it.
Reliving the heady excitement of that auspicious moment sent her thoughts momentarily away from Ma’s warm graces and the aroma of chai and she walked out of the kitchen and over to the living room table, where she again used both hands to pick up the file before placing it respectfully, reverentially, into her jute shoulder bag.
Ma carried the pot of chai over to the window-sill for their daily ritual, a ritual she would sorely miss. She followed the fragrance like a hummingbird seeks nectar and watched her mother pour the steaming chai in her favorite brass glasses that had beautiful elephants in the pattern of a moon crescent etched along the rim.
“Pshh, I am forgetting everything today.” Ma got up abruptly and came back carrying some almonds and two Parle-G biscuits—the world’s largest-selling biscuit, its Indian manufacturers claimed. Apparently, the “G” in the “Parle-G” stamped large in the center of each biscuit stood for “genius.” Perhaps, by feeding her daughter those most popular, quite bland, biscuits every day—(they tasted a bit like sawdust to her!)—Ma had fondly nurtured that hope for her child too.
“Ma, you have to stop feeding me almonds all the time, it’s your brain that needs them more.”
Ma grinned back at her. After a while she said, “When you return, I will make you Varanasi aloo samosas.” She smiled, tilting her head and stretching her eyes to indicate how delicious they were. “Will you eat them?”
She looked down into her frothy cup of chai and silently nodded. She felt Ma’s warm gaze wash over her in waves.
“Beti, you have matured into a successful adult woman. For this, especially for how far you’ve had to come, I thank God and ask for His forgiveness every day.”
She offered the same exasperated reply she always did: “Ma, you have hundreds of gods, but which one is for forgiveness and which one for thanks?”
She drained her cup of chai and stood up. “I have to leave or else I will miss my train,” she said firmly as she turned toward the door. Ma rushed into the kitchen and returned with one hand in a fist and the other held behind her back. Her mother pressed a piece of mishri, a small sugar-like rock candy, into her palm and she immediately placed it in her mouth savoring its bitingly sweet flavor. “Happy Birthday, darling” her mother said, smiling. “You know it’s Holi tomorrow, the day of your birth.”
Holi was a holiday Ma and she could never forget. It was the day of her birth, and rebirth. The day the festival of Holi falls each year is determined by the lunar calendar, and Ma and would always wait for that day, whatever the actual date, to celebrate her birthday.
Ma sighed and looked at her. “Beti, you really don’t have to go back out into that world, you know. It’s very dangerous. You’ve done enough. The police, politicians, and the local people of Varanasi can take care of this. They’ve already received copies of the court order.”
She looked down, “Ma, I have to go, there are so many things to do, so much that remains unfinished…”
Ma nodded her acceptance and, smiling, handed her the gift she held behind her back. “Here, keep this… when your unfinished work is completed wear this and float a diya, an earthen lamp, on the waters of Ma Ganga for me.”
“But, but…Ma, I can’t take this from you,” she said, folding the saree and handing it back to her. It was Ma’s favorite saree. Ma had bought it from the shop on the banks of Varanasi. She had worn it on every special occasion— the day she received her adoption papers; the day of her first day at school; the day she passed tenth grade; the day she got her law degree; and, most recently, when she’d won the Supreme Court case of non-discrimination against transgenders and widows in Indian society.
To her, every occasion Ma wore that saree became an auspicious one.
Ma’s steely look made her hastily rethink her offer. It was the most important occasion of their lives for the both of them. Little superstitions such as deciding to accept your mother’s favorite saree sometimes seemed to work, even if all they did was to create a subtle aura of positive energy. Ma pressed the saree into her hands and this time she accepted it immediately, holding it against herself and admiring herself in the purple plastic-framed mirror, which bore the marks of leftover adhesive from every one of Ma’s stick-on bindis—the sparkling jewel-like dots that have adorned Indian women’s foreheads since Vedic times; a symbol of consciousness, a symbol of the third eye.
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br /> She smiled to herself recalling how she used to tease Ma saying that the red dot on her forehead simply indicated that the “record” button was on, and therefore everything she said was being recorded.
She gave her mother a tight hug and walked out of the door armed with her luggage, her files, the food packets Ma had supplied her with, and the sweetest, warmest memories of the brave woman reporter who had adopted a ten-year-old orphan and changed the course of her life forever.
At the New Delhi Railway Station, she hurriedly jumped out of the auto-rickshaw, unloaded her luggage and rechecked her jute bag. The bustling energy of the Indian capital’s train station manifested an amazing irony—one rushed to get to these transit hubs, and then one rushed even more to leave them, almost as if the stations themselves never existed. And once a person left, they never seemed to look back, as if the transition from here-to-there or there-tohere that occurred in these containers of rushing motion barely symbolized a thing.
Her platform was at the farthest end of the station and she ran all the way to her train and coach, checking her ticket for her seat number. She read the ticket once more before hopping on: Shiv-Ganga Express. Train No. 12559. Dept: ND Railway Station: 18:55.
As she pushed past the crowds of people in the train, all pilgrims who were going to Varanasi for a dip in the waters of the Ganga, her eyes met those of an elderly woman wearing a pure white saree with the pallu, the free edge of the saree, draped over her head.
The woman smiled at her and asked, “Are you from Varanasi?”
“Yes.”
“I’m truly blessed to be going to Varanasi too. I’ve heard people say that Ganga Ma doesn’t look as beautiful anywhere as she does there …” the old woman said wistfully.
She smiled back. Immediately a vision rose in her mind: a little girl, her body baked nut brown by the sun, lying on her back in a creaky wooden boat, trailing her fingers in a wide, vast river of sun-dappled green-gray, catching the petals of a marigold flower that floated on this majestic confluence of three rivers; by her side was a small mongrel with eyes like melting toffee, and squatting on the helm of the boat, his body wet from diving in for the coins that bereaved families tossed into the auspicious waters to protect their dead, was her best friend…
