Jacob disappeared into his house – an older home which looked as if it had seen better days. The paint was pealing off, but maybe that was a good thing as it was the ugliest blue I had ever seen. It at least looked roomy with two storeys. After Jacob had left Nicole looked at me and smiled, “Hey, soon we will be on our way.” Suddenly a woman appeared at the door and called, “Hey there Nicole – don’t be a stranger. Come and let me look at you!” Nicole said it was Jacob’s wife, and she excused herself and walked over to the porch to speak with the woman. I decided to just stand and wait – they weren’t my relatives after all.
In a moment a little girl with angelic blonde hair came over to me and asked, “Are you my cousin too?” I looked at her, thinking she was around seven or eight, I was not good at guessing kid’s ages since I had very little contact with them. “My name is Melody, what’s yours?” I told her and she said, “That’s interesting, our names sound a lot alike!” Then she took my hand and said, “Come over here and see my science collection.” She led me to a little shed in their back yard and opened the door – there were two shelves with her name at the end and collections of rocks, plants, and dried bugs. The other shelves had the names “Amie” and “Heather” and had their own assortment of collections. Melody then started giving me a lesson on geology and then, just as she had switched to plant biomes her mom and Nicole came to the door. “Is Melody giving you a science lesson?” I nodded and her mother continued, “Melody is turning eight this year. We home school our kids and it seems Melody can’t get enough of science – I doubt they offer much science at the public school they would be attending.”
I was impressed! Maybe my initial impressions were wrong after all; about Nicole’s cousin being some back woods hick. Melody’s two other sisters, one maybe a couple years younger and a bit smaller and the other a little older and taller than Melody approached and introduced themselves. Her bigger sister was named Amie, the younger one was Amanda. What surprised me was Amanda asked if we were going to Glacier Peak. I knelt down and said we were, and she asked if I could bring her some volcanic rocks from “way up” on the mountain for her collection. When I said I would she hugged me and looked up to Nicole, “Cousin Nicole, your friend is really nice!” Nicole smiled, and reached down to pick her up, “I agree with you Amanda!” I was a bit shocked, in a nice way, seeing Nicole hold this little girl in her arms – maybe there were some maternal aspects to her personality after all.
Their mother sent the kids back in the house to go eat lunch and invited us to do the same. Nicole said we had eaten and that we wanted to get going, but that on the way back we might take her up on the offer. Jacob then asked Nicole for her keys and went to the car – apparently he would drive hers for the journey. The kids all stood on the porch and waved goodbye to us. As we drove off I waved and smiled at the girls and was actually feeling sad we had to leave so soon.
Nicole sat in the front where she and Jacob started talking about their family, as well as the whole “tragedy” of Daniel’s death. Nicole handled the Daniel issue really well, even faking a tear or two before Jacob apologized and changed the subject.
I just sat there staring at the beautiful nature and feeling more and more excitement as we seemed to be going higher in elevation. However, I couldn’t help but reflect over the family I had just met. I had always loved nature and thought about the life one could have in such an environment. If you taught your kids at home and lived in such isolation you could live anyway you pleased – freedom from people’s judgemental attitudes or petty gossip. One could just escape and raise a family with superior values, and opportunities to learn. Maybe this was the angle that could get Nicole to become more receptive to a family.
After a while Jacob turned and asked if we felt safe up in the mountains alone. Nicole responded, “Why be scared when I have this?” She dug into her pack and out came the knife from one of the gang members! She had not told me she saved it. Jacob said he was impressed and wished us luck.
When we arrived at the trailhead we got out of the car and grabbed our packs. Jacob asked if we were sure we had enough to last over a week in the wilderness, but Nicole assured him we intended to supplement our food with things like fish. He said we should avoid rangers since he was unsure what the rules were for fishing, but when he looked at our map he said we would probably not encounter anyone but maybe a hiker or two. He said he would meet us in ten days and wished us well before driving off. Once he was safely out of sight, Nicole grabbed me and gave me a huge kiss, and with heightened eagerness stated, “Okay, he didn’t suspect anything! Now we can get to the springs, soak a while and then see if we can get lost in these mountains!”
We hiked about a mile to the springs through a gorgeous forest trail. We greeted a few people leaving, but when we finally arrived there were only two men and a woman lying naked in the large pool. We stripped off and joined got in and welcomed the opportunity to stretch our muscles. Soon I laid back and rested my head on a flat rock just above the water. Nobody was talking and I became lost in my senses as I watched the steam coming off the water and drifting away. I was getting hungry though, and apparently so was Nicole as she asked if we should find a place to camp and start dinner.
It didn’t take long to find an ideal spot, isolated from any other people. And we were even lucky that someone had left a bunch of dry wood all piled up next to the camping area, so we had no problem making our little fire. It was so warm we decided not to set up the tent. Instead we decided to lay our sleeping bags out and spend a wonderful night just being together and looking up at the stars.
The next morning I woke up, trying to get the energy to get the energy to find something akin to a bathroom. When I returned I noticed Nicole was still asleep. I crawled back in my sleeping bag and laid there on my back staring towards the sky. The early morning sun was cutting through the trees with blades of light, illuminating the greenery of the mosses on the forest floor. It was as if I was in an ancient cathedral, my alter a large rock at the edge of our camp site, shards of light hitting the ferns which draped it and illuminating them in light – like in a classic painting with a saint gaining illumination from Heaven above. I let my thoughts wander; I wondered how it would feel to suddenly start falling towards the sky, past the trees and just ascend to the blueness. Maybe I was in a trance, the sound of the water in the stream rushing over the rocks, the fresh, cool air and the energies that seemed to envelope me sent me into a state of rapture.
I then heard Nicole sigh, the kind that just makes you want to smile. She was facing away as I turned over and looked at her. I thought about our experiences together, how I had once thought I might never see her again and yet now…now our destinies seemed to be sealed together. She was my only real anchor into humanity, the only person who had been there for me. I wondered what I would do if she suddenly were not there – it scared me. Why was I scared? Was it because I did not want to be completely abandoned and alone? Was it that I feared that I depended on her, which made me vulnerable? And then I wondered – was this what love was all about? Was I in love? And if I was, to what lengths was I prepared to go, what sacrifices must I make, to make sure she would be there for me…forever?
Nicole woke up a moment later and smiled, rubbing her eyes, and said “Hello” in a slow, somewhat childish, manner. I asked if she had rested well and she mentioned that she had, and had experienced wonderful dreams. I asked if she wanted to share and she merely laughed and pushed me gently away, “Look, you were in them and if you are lucky I will make sure to make them all come true in time.” I will never forget the feeling of excitement and adventure that morning. Just after breakfast, as we were breaking camp, I stopped and thought to myself, “I am really happy today!” Such moments had been rare in my life.
That day we started our journey to go deep into the wilderness. I guess I slowed us up somewhat as I was always finding the perfect picture to take – mountain streams, flowers, the occasional toad or anything else tha
t happened across our path. Of course I exploited Nicole’s natural photogenic qualities every chance I got.
Within a couple of hours we found this amazing stream flowing with crystal clear water next to our path. I suggested we stop for a few minutes and I took off my hiking shoes and started dangling my feet in the water. It was cold but felt wonderful after a long hike. Nicole wanted to look around so I just sat there staring at the little rapids and listening to the wonderful sound of free flowing water – water that was probably snow a short time earlier. I watched some little bugs on the surface and remembered Nicole’s little cousin. When I noticed a rainbow forming in some of the mist I wondered what it would be like to have a child, my own child, sitting there with me and marvelling at the nature the way only a child’s mind, filled with hope and innocence, could do.
I was happy, but I still sighed and wondered if such a future would ever be mine. I dismissed the urge to bring up the issue. There was time for that but perhaps this was not the time. As I was gently splashing the water with my feet, I could hear a click of a camera shutter. I looked up to see Nicole standing there smiling. She sat down next to me and showed me the picture she had just taken and asked, “Melanie...is it okay if I enlarge this and hang it in our living room?” I looked at her and said, “It’s yours, you can do whatever you want with it, and yes…it would look nice in our room!” I believe we both caught the significance of our using the term “our” since we sat there together for at least a half hour, not saying a word to each other, just marvelling at this perfect moment in this perfect paradise and holding hands.
Later that afternoon we had travelled who knows how many miles. We had decided that we wanted to be as remote as possible for camping and soon we found what appeared to be an animal trail, so we followed it for a while. We found a cosy clearing next to a small stream. We set our stuff down and just for fun built a dam on the stream which soon gave us a little pool of water – enough to bathe in and clean off, although it was quite cold. I wondered if any Indian peoples had ever camped here, or were we the first? It felt great to be so alone, yet to also have someone to share the experience with.
That evening as we sat together by our campfire I asked Nicole, “What do you think about the future?” She replied, “What, you mean us or our special activity?” I nodded and mentioned, “Well, not so much us…you know how much I love you. Its just that maybe we should consider quitting the killing bit while we are ahead.” She seemed surprised and looked at me like I was crazy or something. Then, to my surprise, she began to poke the fire with a stick and replied, “I don’t know. We could both have wound up dead back in Seattle. Yet those thugs certainly deserve what they received!” I waited for her to say more, but there was complete silence, except for the crackling of the fire. For a moment I was surprised as she seemed to be questioning whether we should put our lives at risk again, at least that is what I detected in her initial response. Of course I became completely confused as she suddenly looked at me in an inquisitive manner, and then looked up to the sky before asking, “Melanie, I know I am bringing it up again but I still wonder, what would it be like to actually go out and catch someone who did not fall into any category of evil; someone innocent who just happens to be in the wrong place at the wrong time.”
I just rolled my eyes and sighed, “Nicole, we have talked about this before. So let’s put it in some context, who would you suggest? Some guy hiking up here on the trails? Some woman we just randomly meet, maybe out bike riding? Oh wait, how about a kid on the way home from school?” Nicole shot back, “No, of course not! I am not talking about kids, but maybe as I said before, someone like a prostitute or something – not entirely in the innocence category, but still not someone who is like we have killed before.” I replied, “Just a minute ago you said someone who did not fall into any category and that is why I asked! It sounded as if maybe some guy we picked up in a bar or something. She laughed, “Or some girl.” I just stared at her a moment but then she grabbed me around the shoulders and said, “Oh don’t worry, I am just messing with you. Let’s talk about this later, okay?” I decided that was for the best. I had thought about bringing up Cindy, whose we killed just because she had discovered our secret, and wound up rotting in some remote forest. Yet perhaps it was best to leave topic of the conversation. Maybe all she was doing was fantasizing, and maybe, just maybe, she was questioning whether we should ever take any life again. And with that, maybe that would open up other possibilities.
I then asked the other question on my mind, “You think you will ever change your mind about a family? I mean, look at your cousin – wouldn’t you like to have the opportunity to…” Before I could finish she interrupted, “Melanie, come on, so who would be the lucky girl to have kids? Should it be me? Or maybe you should be the one…oh wait, you are going to get your degree and be some insightful psychologist – sure you will have time to be with the kids?” I replied, “We could both have kids you know. And while we might wind up with a household of children I think we could manage together. We could wait until we both had good jobs and maybe someday move out to the country, in some remote area without neighbors, and raise our family.”
Nicole looked away from me before breaking the stick she had been poking the fire with. She looked frustrated as she began to reply, but then just stopped after. She went through this ritual several times before she looked at me with a sad expression and tearfully whispered the words, “Melanie, the thought of having a child scares me. I am not sure who I really am. And then to bring a child into the world who might be just like me, confused, angry at everything – maybe that is what scares me.” I asked, “Don’t you think you would be totally different since you are mature enough to be able to see into yourself and know maybe what a child might need? Doesn’t that make you the kind of person who should be having kids?” At that she shook her head and laughed. She replied, “Stop trying to get into my head and using psychology to change the way I feel.” I hugged her and said, “I am not your psychologist, I am your lover. We can talk about this later, okay?” She smiled and asked if maybe we should try to enjoy the rest of the evening without any deep discussions. I took the hint and gladly switched to a more physical form of communication.
Later, after Nicole fell into a deep sleep, I just laid there looking at the stars and watching the treetops sway in the gentle breeze. It hit me…the irony of our activities. We had killed Nicole’s husband, sunk a child killer in the depths of the Columbia and started a gang war, and here we were discussing plans on having a family. To me it didn’t seem all that unreasonable though, why should it disqualify either of us from being a good mother? My mind returned to those little cousins of Nicole’s and I really wanted to be able to experience that life. In time I, for some reason - maybe a connection to the energies of the universe - knew I would have the opportunity to have children of my own. Maybe I was rushing things and should be content with some patience.
The next morning when I woke up early it was barely past daybreak. I felt a bit cold, but I knew it would be another hot day so I decided to start out with a bath in the little spring. I undressed and began to walk to the pool we had made. I was rather surprised to look down and notice fresh deer tracks in the dirt – I slept so deep I did not even notice wildlife coming into our camp in the night. I also noticed what appeared to be some older bear tracks – that spooked me a little. I approached our pool and felt the water with my foot and yelled out, “Freezing!” However, I eventually got up the nerve to take a deep breath and submerge myself into the icy water.
My body had become numb to the cold, so when Nicole got up and came over to greet me she thought I was crazy to be able to endure the water. I got out and challenged her to try it and gave her some soap – she looked at me, unsure but tempted, and eventually, after some complaints and then a scream, she was in. I was in no hurry to get dressed. I was captivated with the steam that appeared to come from my body even as I was shivering slightly and had goose bumps al
l over my arms. I gathered some sticks and started a little fire and fantasized about myself as some untamed woman, lost in nature and throwing off all social conventions. I started boiling water for some noodles – it wasn’t much but in the middle of nowhere, when you are starving, it would feel like a gourmet treat. I got dressed as the water began to boil, I didn’t want to get scalded while taking the pan off the fire, and when Nicole stopped screaming about her freezing bath, she got dressed and we shared a most wonderful breakfast together.
We broke camp and began our journey further into the wilderness. Occasionally we would find small streams, and high mountain lakes. Around lunch we tried our luck at fishing one of these lakes and actually caught a couple of trout. It was a fantastic meal we shared together.
The next several days were like being in Heaven – the days filled with exploration, our bodies quickly adapting to the rough terrain and exercise, and the nights sleeping under clear skies, filed with stars. It seemed we had made a mistake to bring our little tent with us since it had not rained at all.
I look back on those days with fondness, with childlike appreciation for the wonders of nature – I even remembered to gather interesting rocks to take back to Nicole’s cousin’s children. We rarely came across a soul up there and by the fifth and then sixth day of travel, the point we had decided would be our time to think about going back, we had not seen any evidence of people whatsoever.
We had both filled our first memory cards on our cameras and some of the shots were probably good enough for submission to a contest or some photography magazine. It was really sad that it would be impossible to share these pieces of art with the world due to certain unforeseen events.
Melanie's Awakening Page 14
