I would have really had fun debating the merits of my views but I found his compassion for others fascinating. Who knows, maybe the fact I could not relate to such feelings made me all the more interested in Matt. No matter though, I decided to not pursue the topic at that time. I instead nodded my head and took his hand for the rest of the time we were in the park.
Later we went back to the hotel so I could get ready for dinner. He turned on the TV while I took my things into the bathroom to get ready. I could tell a certain sexual tension was building, and while I was putting on eye liner I thought that maybe I had thrown away the birth control items prematurely. However, when I came out he said, “You look great! Let’s go so we don’t lose our reservations!” I thought there would be time to find some more protection later – hopefully.
We continued talking about life, his time in Japan, and then some things about the studies he had in university. He naturally asked about my courses, what my goals were in life, and other subjects. It was only after dinner I realized he had never asked me about high school. I guess Mark was officially not the reason we were meeting anymore.
When we returned to my room Matt said he’d had a great time and asked me how athletic I was in preparation for what he had in mind for the next day. I said he didn’t have to worry a bit. He let out an enthusiastic “Great!” and said he would pick me up at 6:30 am if that was okay with me. I said it would be and he gave me a tight hug and said he was really looking forward to giving me a tremendous adventure. He also said to dress for hiking.
Once he left I fell down on the bed. I had mixed emotions about Matt. No, I really liked him a lot but why was it he did not try to get intimate that evening? He could have seen I was giving out all the clues that I would be totally open to it. Wasn’t he feeling anything, or was I just a friend that happened to be female? Then it dawned on me that maybe this shyness was a family trait.
The next morning I overslept and rushed to get ready by 6:30. I threw on my old jeans and a t-shirt and stuffed anything I thought I might need into my small back pack. At 6:30 sharp I heard a knock on the door. I opened it up and Matt asked, “You awake?” I tried to laugh and Matt handed me a cold soda, “Here, this might help to perk you up!” I grabbed it from him in a teasing manner and replied, “Don’t worry about me.” We both stared at each other and smiled before Matt commented, “We better head out.”
Matt led me to his car and said it would be about a three hour drive to a place he had never been to but had heard about. As I began to wake up more I was getting excited about how the day would turn out. The sun was just above the horizon and there was a sort of coolness in the air you seem to get in August, but I could tell it was going to be hot. We stopped to grab some burritos at a drive through and were off.
As we were driving through Seattle Matt suddenly asked, “Oh great, I forgot to ask you to bring something to swim in. Do you have shorts on you?” I said I did not and he blushed. He said he wanted to take me to some hot springs, but had totally forgotten to mention I should bring anything besides good hiking clothing. He asked if maybe we should stop and get something at a store in Seattle but that would mean waiting until something opened up. I took a huge risk and said, “How bashful are you? I mean, I love hot springs but I have to admit that I often have the ‘when in Rome’ attitude in regards to clothing, or lack of.” Matt just responded with, “Interesting, we have much the same attitude on that I suppose.” That was pleasantly surprising – he was less a prude than his brother had been.
We talked, and talked and talked in the car. We even discussed politics, but when he took a few conservative positions on issues I purposely took the opposite side just to see how he would react. After some spirited debate on crime I purposely switched to my real beliefs, to which he reacted puzzled. I apologized and said I liked to play around with debate and I took every opportunity I could get to joust. He turned to me for a second and said, I really appreciate someone who can see both sides to an issue and be energetic in presenting a case. Your speaking and analytical skills would be great in the import-export industry.”
After several hours of driving, combined with a stop at a hamburger drive through, we had finally reached our goal – a parking lot in the Olympic National Forest. We took our things out of the car and approached a sign for “Appleton Trail.” Matt said that we had a few miles to hike to the Olympic Hot Springs and as we got under way I caught myself in a really awkward moment. He was facing me and talking about something he read in the trail guide and I reached up instinctively to grab him and kiss him. I stopped, hopefully before he noticed, and purposely released the water bottle in my hand so as to confuse his concentration just in case.
Matt took out a camera case and I asked what model he had. To my surprise it was the same as mine. It seemed maybe I had found a guy who was like me in so many ways. I wasn’t really thinking of Nicole at the time nor did Sara come to mind either. In fact, no reflections over sexuality were clouding my mind either as I was totally focused on the present.
While hiking a hippie-style couple passed us on the way out of the springs. For a brief second I thought back to the murder experience with Nicole but I quickly banished those thoughts from my mind. Matt asked them how far we were and the woman raised her arm and pointed up the trail saying we were about half way. What caught my attention was the lack of shaving on her behalf and then I wondered, with some worry, if Matt would notice the trait I shared with her, after all, I was going to be totally nude and there was no hiding anything.
Matt and I took an hour or so hiking in to the springs. In that time we took loads of pictures, discussed how fun it would be to camp in many places along the trail, and still found a few times to talk about society. The atmosphere was perfect as well – the sun peering through dense forest and illuminating the moisture flowing upwards into the sky from the ground. The smells were fresh, the sounds of wind, of streams, of birds, were all such wonderful background to our moments on the way to the springs.
Once we got there we realized we would not be alone. There were four men and three women and, to my relief, none of them had anything on. I turned to Matt… we both looked at each other knowing what the other was thinking I believed. And then, without saying a word to each other we completely stripped off. He then, in a truly gentlemanly manner, asked me to hand him my clothes so he could place them on a large tree stump. I immediately took notice of all his attributes, including his athletic form of course. He then took my hand and we both entered the hot volcanic pool, slowly easing into the water and submerging our lower bodies.
“Ah, this is great!” Matt said just before splashing his face. He said he loved visiting hot springs in Japan but most were developed. He said when he attended college in Utah he and his friends often went to hot springs outside of Provo at night. He said you would have to hike in for several miles but it was in a desert canyon area and at night your view of the stars was fantastic. He mentioned the name of the springs, Diamond Fork, and then he said he would show them to me sometime. It was apparent he was taking an interest in me since he was thinking in terms of the future.
I looked up at the sun streaming through the trees and leaned back in the water. I wasn’t actually trying to get Mark to notice me, I was just being myself. I slid back into a sitting position a moment later and took in this primal scene, of naked bodies bathing in the pool, sun dancing through the mist. I looked over at Matt and asked if he felt the awe of nature as I did. He seemed to have a surprised look on his face and said, “You mean that you can tap into spiritual energy and renew yourself?” I sat up more, “Yes, yes, that’s what I mean. Here one can be simple, and maybe gain that childlike appreciation for all things natural.” Matt asked, “You mean appreciate what God has put here?” I was not used to hearing the mention of God in my discussions of this subject with people in the pools. I had even become less connected to “God” in recent years, even to the point of ignoring the concept. Yet I answered him, “Yes, I g
uess so.”
I felt somewhat uncomfortable so I changed the subject, “Matt, your wife died a few years ago, do you think you could love someone again like you loved her?” He nodded his head, “I believe I could.” So I asked, “Okay, why have you not remarried?” I knew that was way personal, and he had given a simple explanation earlier, but I was curious. Matt said, “It’s probably because I am really different – I always have been. Maybe that’s the reason I wound up married to someone from another country.” I could understand the concept of being different. He continued, “I guess I am way more esoteric and unconventional in my way of thinking than most people with a similar background as me – and that same unconventional way of looking at life disconnects me from the average person. No matter what, I am an outsider – maybe that’s why I did not mind living in Japan since I was no more an outsider there as I was in America. At least there I could open up and if someone might think I was odd they could blame it on my being an American I guess.”
This was getting way more interesting than I had imagined. He wasn’t Mark, he was better, a more open person, just as smart but not hiding in a world of intellectualization. I asked, “Hey, I did a little too much workout yesterday, could you rub my shoulders?” He moved behind me and proceeded to firmly work on my muscles, which were not really sore but it was a convenient ploy to get a massage. I didn’t really want to compare but I kind of preferred Nicole’s gentle technique, but this was nice too.
I leaned back and rested on his chest. I turned and gave him a soft kiss, which he returned with the same gentleness, and then I stopped and just looked into his eyes. All at once I was hit with some force, maybe mystical, I don’t know, but something told me this was going to lead to something way more permanent than my intellectual and physical curiosity had possibly envisioned! I sat up and was prepared for another kiss but he suddenly pulled away and nervously asked if I wanted to grab some food for us from his pack. At first I thought “What a jerk!” but then it hit me why he had turned away, his body was betraying his innermost desires. I found it amusing and I left the pool to retrieve some snacks.
We didn’t kiss again in the pool but we did continue talking. I asked what his belief was regarding people’s destinies on earth and he talked about his belief that souls choose to come to earth and might even choose their families. It seemed an odd thought that I could have chosen my father and the kind of isolation I had felt in my life.
I said I was getting a bit dizzy from too much time in the water and Matt gave me some juice to help balance my electrolytes again. We got out but we didn’t have towels with us so we were just letting the warm air dry us off. Then an older woman, perhaps in her late sixties, came down to the pools and began to lay her stuff on the ground. She noticed Matt’s camera and asked, “Hey, you two are such a cute couple. Want me to take a picture so you will remember your trip here?” I looked at Matt and said I was up for it, but he would have to send me copies, and he and I assumed a pose together.” The older woman then said, “Hey, when you two are a lot older you can show this to your grandkids so they will know what their grandparents once looked like.” I noticed that Matt was smiling in response to the nice old woman’s comment – I looked at him and smiled back, not saying a word.
Matt and I got dressed and headed out of the spring area. He asked me to stop for a moment and said, “I don’t think I will forget this day, pictures or not, but that was fun. If you want me to erase them…” I interrupted, “Don’t you dare, just in case – I mean, I would not be embarrassed to show the pictures to my grandkids.” Matt laughed, “I have to warn you Melanie, I will be as old as that lady in twenty-five years or so and you’ll be around my age. I just want you to consider that.” It was odd how we were both talking about a relationship as if we had known each other much longer. I responded to his warning, “Well then you had better keep yourself in shape then.” At that point we stopped and looked at each other, in an expressionless sort of way – that way in which you both know what the other wants, but are waiting for the other to take the first step. I was the one to finally take the chance. I put my arms around his waist and looked up into his eyes. I am not sure who took the initiative because all I remember afterwards was the long, passionate kiss that followed. I am not sure how long we were engaged in intimacy, but it was Matt who seemed frightened of taking it to the next level since gently pulled away and said, “We…we should get going on our way.” I gave him a tight squeeze and nodded before releasing him and resuming the journey back to the car.
On the way back to the car we continued to talk, take pictures, and talk some more. It seemed we both had an irreverent sense of humor and could joke about anything. We really connected! If he had asked me to run off to Vegas with him that very moment I would have said yes. Neither of us initiated any discussion of a relationship though. Maybe we both shared a sense of not wanting to risk scaring the other person off.
On the way home I closed my eyes a few minutes and reflected. I remembered him saying he could love his deceased wife as well as someone new and would not feel guilty about it. So I asked myself why it would not be possible for someone to love several people at once, when they are all alive. I asked Matt, not realizing how he might take it, “Matt, how does one know they are in love?” He froze a moment, then stumbled on his words, “Well, I…uh, I suppose when you feel you would do anything for that person – take any risk for them, and put up with all their bad qualities because you care for them so much you don’t want them to be a different person.” I thought about that answer, and realized, with not a little discomfort, that I indeed must be in love with Nicole. And yet what about Sara? I knew there was something there but I was not as sure as with Nicole.
And now Matt had entered the picture. I was feeling something for him too, but I was not sure if it was merely an infatuation, or if I was living my past love for Mark in his brother. Maybe I thought that with him I could realize all my dreams of being a wife and mother. Then another irony hit me – had something caused me to be able to actually feel love? And now that the feeling might be released was it overflowing to include anyone who showed me affection?
I wondered why life had to be so complicated. Why couldn’t I be with Matt and live out my family dreams, with Nicole and have that special feeling of protecting her and being connected at an emotional level nobody else could ever approach, and Sara for the intellectual stimulation I craved so badly? Some might think that was a selfish fantasy, but wasn’t the whole point of love centered on selfishness? Society dictates we have one person, and if we feel anything for someone else we are in some way disloyal to them. So our whole institution of marriage was based on mutual selfishness and insecurity.
The sun was going down on the horizon as we were heading back to Olympia. Matt and I continued talking and we spent a lot of time discussing our childhoods. I let him into my world of loneliness and he let me into his world of a dominating mother coupled with an overemphasis on her family maintaining a perfect image for society.
As we were entering Olympia Matt asked what I wanted for dinner and I said I could actually go for pizza. We spotted an old pizzeria that looked as if it were constructed in the 1950s, nothing fancy or looking like part of a franchise. The place was overflowing with nostalgia, and I found it quite romantic. We shared a simple pepperoni pizza, and Matt asked “If you like we can go back to the mountains tomorrow. Of course if you would like to meet my sister’s family they are having a celebration of her husband’s birthday.” I thought a moment and took his hand, “I would love to meet your family. What time shall we go?” He sighed and suggested we meet in the morning, spend some time in Seattle, and then head over to her house around 3pm. I replied, “Sounds wonderful Matt. I can’t wait to spend the day with you.”
When Matt dropped me off at my hotel room I for some strange reason had a conflict in my mind. Part of me wanted to see if this was the night we could explore other avenues of intimacy together. The other wanted to ho
ld onto something special – the mystery of seeing how the relationship might grow and then…the logical next step.
Matt seemed to take charge of events. He walked me to my door and we kind of just stood there. It was an awkward moment with two adults acting like a couple of young teenagers…wondering what to do. Matt took a deep breath and took me by the waist, “Melanie, I should go now but I will meet you back here at around 9am. This has been a special day for me.” I brushed his hair back with my hand as I stared into his eyes and, without saying a word I stood on my toes and gave him a gentle kiss to let him know I had a wonderful day as well. He responded with taking me in a tight hug and returning my sign of affection with a very intense kiss, one that actually took me by surprise. In fact, I thought maybe this was the moment I had looked forward to, but instead he pulled back and commented, “You know you are special, don’t you?” I replied, “You are too.” We looked at each other until he broke the silence, “Make that 8am that I meet you, okay? I want to have as much time with you as possible.” I thought about making the ultimate suggestion, for him to join me for the evening, but I chose not to betray my feelings too quickly. I said, “You better get going. I will expect you no later than 8am. And I do expect breakfast you know. He gave me another hug and whispered in my ear, “I hope I never disappoint you.” As he left I slowly closed the door, and then I started laughing and crying at the same time. I was happy even in my strange state of confusion. The tears were tears of joy, even though I knew at some point there would be a price to pay for what I was engaging in.
Chapter 16
Melanie's Awakening Page 21
