The next morning I was getting ready when the phone rang. It was Matt. He said he was really sorry but he had been called by a business associate in Salt Lake and he had to leave immediately. He apologized for not being able to make our breakfast date. He seemed somewhat stressed in his voice. I asked when we might be able to get together again but he said he wasn’t sure. I told him I wished I could at least give him a hug and kiss goodbye because I would miss him, but all he said was, “That would be nice. Well, have a safe journey to Portland. Bye now.” I said goodbye and then he hung up.
On the way home I searched and searched for meaning to his giving me what I considered the cold shoulder. I wondered if maybe his sister had been able to drive a wedge into any relationship possibilities that might be developing. Who knows what she said, what doubts she planted in his mind, or maybe he just realized he didn’t want me. Part of me thought I would never see him again, although I hoped I would. However, in such circumstances it seems the seeds of doubt find fertile ground to grow and compete with hope. I just had to continue living and see what direction my life would take me.
Chapter 17
I arrived back home around 2pm. I was hoping I would see Nicole’s car parked in the driveway but that was not the case. I decided to enjoy some time alone however. I quickly shed my clothes and went in search of something to go running in. It was a very hot day so I decided on some shorts and a running bra. After putting on my sunglasses I took off at a sprint down the sidewalk and towards the trails. I really enjoyed the workout, although I wished there were someplace to go swimming nearby.
When I returned home I walked by the computer, turned it on, and headed to the shower. I was anxious to see what sorts of mails I had received but I needed to cool off. While in the shower I thought about Matt, Nicole and even Sara. Part of me enjoyed the excitement and intrigue of my secret liaisons, and another part of me found a thrill realizing at some time I would have answers to what sort of life I was to lead. I pondered a life with Nicole – one in which I might not even have a family, but then again I would be able to share a carefree existence with her. A part of me yearned for that sort of future. Then there was Matt. If any man was my soul mate it was him. I felt safe with him, accepted and able to be whoever I wanted to be. Yet what if in time he would expect me to conform to his little Mormon world? I was not sure I would like that, although he would make a wonderful father for my children – something I had never had in my own childhood. And then there was Sara. I actually was missing her a little, but maybe more in the way you miss being with a good friend. The idea of us being together would offer excitement, even a possibility of having a family, but for some reason the idea of moving to Sweden, or even San Francisco, was fading in its appeal to me. Maybe it would finally be a choice between Matt and Nicole after all.
I got out of the shower, dried off and headed to the computer. I had to admit that as I approached it I had a certain amount of dread. I feared that once I opened my mail I would probably find a letter from Matt, the kind that would say, “Sorry, I just don’t think this will work out but let’s keep in touch.” If that were there I would just delete his mails and any other references to him – I had my ego to preserve after all. When I was able to log on I noticed only one mail, one from Sara. She had written me on Thursday night. I suppose I was not treating her very well as part of her mail read, “Melanie, don’t keep me waiting for some hope for us, I am willing to accommodate any arrangement you desire, but at least let me know that’s what you want as well.” I wrote her back and suggested I could come and visit in a week or so.
I got up and decided to take some time and do housework, and just relax. After an hour or so I could not resist the lure of the outdoors so I got dressed and took a leisurely bike ride. While I was riding by the river it suddenly occurred to me that I should go back and put an empty memory card in my camera. I could tell her I forgot to take the recharger and my battery was empty when I arrived in the mountains, and that it was too far to drive to Eugene to buy a replacement. That mistake could have really complicated things and I would not be so careless again. I also would have to claim I bought my new dress on the way back from my trip.
After returning to my empty house I began to feel lonely and extremely bored. Dinner time came and went... then early evening. I thought about calling Nicole but decided to be patient. Then, around 9pm I heard her car pull up in the driveway.
I greeted Nicole at the door. Before she said a word she grabbed me, looked at me with those pale blue eyes of hers and smiled. She put her hand on my cheek, before giving me one of the most passionate kisses I could remember! It was as if we had not seen each other for months and had to make up for lost time. I just relaxed and lost myself in her embrace. Then, even without so much as a “How have you been” she merely just challenged me, “Race you to the bedroom!” and we both sprinted to see who would win. The evening with her was filled with what could only be described as an intense expression of love and bonding between two souls. It transcended the mere physical aspects of intimacy – it was a spiritual experience!
The next morning Nicole came in and greeted me, “Hey there Melanie” and sat down on the bed. I stretched and she gave me a hug and said she had a surprise for me. I laughed, “More of last night? I suppose…” She interrupted me and said, “No, not now my love.” She paused a moment and took my hand, “Melanie, you remember when I said the thing about plans for the future?” I nodded as she stroked my hand. In a very tender voice Nicole continued, “I am still waiting on the insurance money, so I didn’t have a lot to spend, but I want you to have this.” She opened a small, blue jewellery box and presented me with a beautiful, gold ring – I smiled at her and examined it. The outer part had a Celtic design and then I noticed something engraved inside, “Forever yours.”
Nicole said, “Here.” She then took my left hand, and slipped it onto my ring finger. She tearfully stumbled on her words, “I am not, well, I am not sure how to really say this, but, well…” she laughed as she fought back what I knew were tears of joy, “I want us never to be apart, ever, so…” She became silent and stared at my hand, “I know we can’t really get married but maybe in the future we can have a little ceremony in the woods? What counts is what we feel for each other, right?”
I embraced her at that moment and said, “We’ll never be apart!” and we held each other tightly. I did not cry but she began to shed enough tears for both of us.
I think every woman has thought about what being proposed to would be like. I had to admit this was not what I had ever envisioned, but it was every bit as romantic as I could ever have dreamed. I asked her to lie down and I held her tight again, my head resting on her chest. I listened to her heart – it was beating fast and very strong. She had stopped crying and she caressed my head nestled against her. At that moment it seemed my life’s destiny had been decided.
Neither of us mentioned what we had been doing that last few days. Nicole got up and rushed to the computer. She called me over and brought up some pictures of a New Age wedding ceremony. Apparently the site was operated by some Druid priestess and a couple of pictures featured lesbian couples taking vows to each other. I mentioned it would fit with the ring she had given me and in a childlike excitement she asked, “You said you had some Irish ancestry, right? Maybe we could both visit our homeland and get married there!” I nodded my head and held her tight.
When Nicole was done with the computer I took her place to check my e-mails again. This time it was empty. It seems maybe things had worked out for the best after all. Perhaps Sara was tired of my hesitancy to commit and Matt didn’t want to develop our relationship. Destiny seemed to favour the idea that Nicole would be my companion for this life after all.
Then for some reason I remembered the reaction of our neighbor to seeing Nicole and I together the other day. A mental imaged followed of Matt’s family…the perfect family it seemed, so conventional, and so different from what Nicole and I could ever h
ope for. A cold realization took hold in my mind – maybe Nicole had been right after all. When you make a choice you sometimes have to make sacrifices, and maybe this was my sacrifice for love.
Irony by its very nature would present itself at a moment where the emotional impact was at its greatest potential. Nicole entered the room at that moment and rested against me. What she would say would certainly take me by surprise, “Melanie, you are going to be a psychologist, tell me – if a person had never smoked cigarettes, yet found a carton in their cabinet, would they be more or less likely to long for the cigarettes if, let’s say, they tossed them in the garbage or, again let’s say, the kept them there.” I shrugged my shoulders and asked, “What are you talking about?” She answered, “What I am trying to say is, which choice would be best to rid the addict of their cravings?” That I understood. I replied, “Oh, well I guess having the availability would increase the temptation, and one would probably always be thinking about them there.” She replied, “Okay, you have to admit you are kind of obsessed with children even though you have never, ever been around kids and seen what is involved in raising a family.” I was curious as to where this was going but I reluctantly agreed with her. “Melanie, this is always going to be a thorn in the side of our relationship, always something that will tempt you away from us, something that will cause you to question our being together if, miraculously, you meet some perfect guy who also is into the things you are.” I pulled back from her and looked silently in the direction of the window. “Have you ever considered maybe taking this temptation away?”
For once in my life I was left speechless. I got up, walked to the window and just stared, my back to Nicole. I could feel that sensation of anger grow in me, that type that your sinuses start to drain, your muscles tense and your hands start to shake. Nicole came up to me and put her hand on my shoulder, and I snapped, “How dare you ask this?” She ducked back, said nothing, but tears started dropping from her eyes. I waited for some response, any response…some explanation, anything!
Finally Nicole, not wiping her eyes but just attempting to make her case, began, “I guess I just feel frightened that your instincts will drive you away from me and I couldn’t go on living without you. I would do anything for you but I just don’t think I can be a…well, father image for your kids. It’s not like I am trying to hurt you, please, I swear that is not my goal.” I looked, at her and felt my antagonism decreasing, but I needed more, more of a reason why I should be the one to make this supreme sacrifice. “Nicole, what you are asking is permanent. Maybe right this moment you aren’t sure you could handle a family but what if next year, or five years, or even ten years from now you feel differently?” She shook her head, “I don’t think I will change my mind, but I have to ask you, were you serious last night about us? Can you deny the bond between us that was so beautifully manifested between us?” I sighed, “No. Nicole, I what we expressed last night was special, you know I know that.” She continued, “I am sure about you too, but I will always fear for our future when you meet a guy who seems to fit your almost impossible ideal. I will be afraid you will leave me because that’s one thing I cannot give you.” I replied, “Well then doesn’t it make sense that if you or I or both of us were to get artificial insemination then that would negate that fear?” She thought for a moment and said, “Please Melanie, children need either a father or someone with those qualities. That’s just not me. I just don’t think I can live up to those obligations.”
“I sat down, and Nicole came over and started caressing my shoulder, “Melanie, maybe in ten years time things will be different in our society, maybe kids would not have to feel they have to make some explanation about why their parents are both women. In that case would it be okay if I promised that if it changes I will get pregnant so we can raise a child?” I had never thought of that, not from Nicole. I asked, “Why the change of heart? You said you never wanted a child.” She knelt down on the floor next to me and said, “I doubt things will change but I suppose I could leave the option open. However, you have nothing at all to fear from me leaving you for a guy, absolutely nothing.”
It seemed she was putting all the responsibility for any vulnerability of our relationship on me. Upon considering the events of the last several days she had reason to be concerned. If Matt would have asked for me to go to Salt Lake with him I believe I would have agreed to do so. It wasn’t that I was attracted to Matt just because he could give me a child…or was it? Would I be willing to throw away what I had with Nicole for someone I had only known for a short time? I asked Nicole to leave me alone for a few minutes. She got up and said she would wait in the living room.
I reflected over the thoughts I had pondered prior to Nicole asking for this commitment. I started seeing all the problems with raising a family with Nicole. And then it hit me, what if, by some remote chance, some detective would find something, anything, to link us to any of the killings we had done? And let’s say we have a couple of children at the time of arrest! Who would raise the children? I had no family, Nicole’s mother was in no shape to raise any kids and the sperm donor certainly wouldn’t want them. So we would be in jail and any children would be in foster care. That realization really was sobering. At least I had a mother growing up. The thought of a child of mine growing up with strangers, and all the while knowing their mother was in jail, terrified me.
I went into the living room and saw Nicole sitting on the couch, staring off into space. She looked up at me with an unsure expression, as if she did not know if she should greet me or not. I sat down next to her and put my arms around her. We were both silent until I told her, “Nicole, I never want to lose you. I love you so much!” She responded by cautiously turning around, looking at me and throwing her arms around my shoulders. I whispered into her ear, “So if you change your mind in a few years you would consider having a baby?” She turned to me and replied, “Yes, I would consider it.” I took a deep breath, stood up and walked back to the computer. As I was walking I turned and asked her, “Can you come with me?” She got up and followed. I did not know any other source to call so I sat down and looked up the fertility clinic in Seattle where I had donated eggs. I sat back and promised Nicole, “I will call this week and make an appointment.” She knelt down and held me tight and said, “Melanie, I am so sorry for asking you to do this, but I think it will be for the best for both of us. And Melanie, I promise to devote myself to you in body, mind and spirit for as long as I live!” Afterwards Nicole went into the kitchen to make us both something to eat. I checked my mails – nothing new.
I never divulged to Nicole that I had been in a process of questioning my ideas on having a family. And I certainly was not going to tell her anything about my visit with Matt’s family, even though that did more to cause me to question my goals than any argument she could present. For the rest of the day I was debating the pros and cons of what I had committed to. For some reason when I went over the cons I felt a relief, in fact the more I pondered every factor in my life I started feeling a sense of comfort with remaining childless – or as I would have described it at that moment “child free.” I began to justify the idea I was trying to accept – and I allowed any nagging doubts I had ever considered contrary to having my own family to be magnified, so as to crowd out the goal I had always yearned for. As strange as it may sound some time around dinner I actually had convinced myself that I wished I could call the doctor that day, but it was Sunday after all.
The next morning I got up and went for a morning run. When I returned Nicole was making breakfast and I went into the shower. By the time we finished breakfast I noticed it was after 9am so I looked towards the phone. I approached it with the same apprehension a person might have when they had to call to see if they got a job, or if some test result at the doctor had come back negative or positive. I had forgotten the number so I had to look it up again. I wrote it down and then, when Nicole wasn’t looking, I checked my mail again – nothing.
I
wondered why Matt had not sent anything. I became a little angry at his rudeness towards me – he could have at least said he didn’t want to see me again. Perhaps I was also angry that the one thing that might throw my whole new outlook into question would be some re-assurance that he wanted a relationship with me. Here I had someone who wanted to spend the rest of her life with me – the least he could do is write something, anything. As I picked up the phone I whispered to myself, “Well Mr. Lindberg, looks like you will definitely have to find someone else to give you that family.” Frustrated and hurt I at what I saw as a sign of betrayal I went ahead and entered the number. I told myself it was his loss.
I reached the clinic and asked for the doctor I generally saw when I would go in for donations. They said he had scaled back his practice and only came in to the clinic for special cases, but they gave me the number of his primary office. When I finally got through to him I gave my name and asked if he remembered me. He said that he definitely remembered me and asked how I was doing. I said I was doing fine and said I had a rather personal inquiry – then I said I was wondering if I could schedule a tubal ligation procedure with him. He was rather shocked and said that would be highly irregular at my age unless I already had children, or had some medical problem. He asked why someone like me would want to consider this.
I explained that I was in a relationship with someone who didn’t want kids and I had come to the conclusion that neither did I. He responded, “Sad, a woman like you should be the kind who wanted a large family – it would certainly benefit the gene pool.” I then asked, on that note, how many children had come from my donations. He said he usually didn’t give that information out but he could check. After a couple of minutes he returned to the phone and said that thus far the number was eleven, but that most couples had requested having embryos in storage for future siblings. He complimented me on my health – I suppose my eggs were far more successful than the average. Then he said, “Okay Melanie, it seems you certainly have passed your genes into the next generation. I personally won’t do the operation, but I know a doctor who will and I will give you her number.” I thanked him but he asked, “Is there any way I can get you to change your mind? I strongly advise against taking such a drastic action.” I replied, “Please, just give me her number, okay?”
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