by Dave Leys
Helva sighed in relief. ‘So,’ she said. ‘Sylvia, how are things? Are you happy?’ She put her hand over her mouth, but it was too late.
Sylvia looked at her. ‘What?’ she said unsteadily. ‘Happy? What are you talking about?’ She stroked the rabbit skull hung around her waist and narrowed her eyes.
Before she could stop herself Helva was talking again. ‘And Mary, is there anyone special in your life?’
Mary stood straight as a pin. ‘Special?’ she said. ‘I have no idea what you’re talking about.’ She began to prance back and forth, clutching at her skirt.
Helva went pale and closed her mouth tight. She began to edge towards the entrance to the cave.
It was too late. Sinister Sylvia was now blocking her way. ‘Helva,’ she said. ‘Something’s not right. No snacks, no ritual, and where is your cat?’
Mocking Mary sidled up to her and spoke in her ear. ‘You seem different. You’re usually so nasty.’
‘Summon Nexus,’ croaked Sylvia.
‘Join with us in the Black Magick ritual,’ hissed Mary.
‘Now girls,’ pleaded Helva, putting up her hands. But they were having none of it.
Sylvia pulled out her wand, a dry old wolf leg bone. ‘I think we should fry her,’ she said. Mary nodded.
Helva swallowed dryly, and decided to try the only thing left to her.
‘Sylvia,’ she said, ‘I know your skin’s not in the best condition, and that you’re old and sore, and that people call you a hag and run away when they see you. I know why you curse them with your evil spells. But underneath it all did you know you have a wonderful personality?’
‘What?’ said Sylvia, lowering her wand.
‘Yes, yes,’ said Helva. ‘You’re enthusiastic and quite determined, and you could make lots of friends. In a way, you’re not sinister at all.’
Sylvia almost went cross-eyed at this, and sat straight down on the ground. She fumbled with her hat and her eyes misted over.
‘And Mary,’ Helva continued, looking over at the shapely witch in her golden skirt, ‘I know you think that all the mortals are jealous of your beauty and power, and you punish them for it with your hexes, but underneath it all, aren’t you a little lonely?’
‘How dare you!’ said Mary. ‘I … I …’
‘Yes,’ said Helva breathlessly, ‘I could really see you with someone tall and handsome, someone you wouldn’t have to insult, someone who loved you.’
Mary sunk to the ground with her skirt all a flutter around her. She unbuckled and buckled her shoes with her head lowered, at a complete loss.
In fact both witches were stunned. No one had ever said such things to them before. For a minute no one moved, and then Sylvia got off her haunches and looked at Helva.
‘You’re right,’ Sylvia said. ‘You know me better than anyone. You’re going to become my first best friend.’
Mary rose. ‘Helva’s my best friend,’ she said. ‘She has given me hope.’
Sinister Sylvia leaned on her cane and raised her lip. ‘I said she was my best friend. Back off before I hurt you.’
Mocking Mary laughed. ‘You hurt me, crone? Why, you’re nothing but a dried out coconut husk.’
‘Girls, girls, why can’t we just be nice to each other?’ Helva implored, but it was too late. Both witches raised their wands at each other.
‘Simianus initatum!’ cried Sylvia, her wizened arm shaking. She snarled.
‘Amphibiratum morphus!’ screeched Mary.
There were two puffs of smoke, and when it cleared, Helva found herself standing before a small green frog and an ape.
‘Oh dear,’ she said. ‘My two best friends, and now look at you.’ The ape scratched at its behind while the frog bounced on its hind legs.
‘What shall we do now?’ she asked them. The ape groaned and the frog croaked.
She scooped them both up, the ape around her shoulders and the frog cupped in her hand, and she walked out of the cave and placed them gently in the grass. The moon was fading, and a new day was beginning to dawn. She walked back to her cave, and called out to them, “I guess in the end we’ve just grown apart.”
Then she went inside. She had some sweeping to do.
Making a Splash
When Adam’s parents put a pool in the backyard – and not just any pool, but an in-ground, ten-metre, saltwater pool in the shape of a kidney bean – and Adam decided to have a big pool party to celebrate, the first person not to be invited was the stupid girl who lived next door, Nessa.
On the morning of the party he made a point of putting a sign in the front yard facing her window saying: POOL
