Jack shrugs and turns back to Brittney who tries to bat her eyelashes at me. She looks like she has something in her eye. She’s been trying to get me back since I took leave of my senses in tenth grade and took her to a movie. There’s nothing to her, though. After being around her for an evening, I was ready to gouge my eyes out in boredom and irritation. I leave the two, who really deserve each other, to their crappy school lunch and skip out. Manny always gets off-campus privileges because he’s the school’s golden boy. Orion sweet-talked the secretary for us, and I’m not sure what Aric did. Maybe he’s skipping.
I don’t really know what to feel. Seeing Senya and being so close to her yesterday brought back every thought I’ve had about her since that horrible summer. I’m still a little angry at my dad for taking us away when she needed us most. I kept telling myself it was for the best. I knew that all of us would want her if we kept getting older together. Those friends that don’t want to date because it would ruin their friendship? I knew that would never be us. All four of us boys talked about marrying her at one point or another. She might have been a friend, but she was so much more.
And then, she just disappeared. Her deadbeat mom who hadn’t given a shit about her took her in, she went to the other middle school, and she shot us down whenever we tried to talk to her. Knowing she was doing the same thing to Manny, who’d been the closest to her, was the only thing that kept me going when I realized she’d cut off all ties.
Yesterday, when I saw her name on that sheet of paper, I’d been both excited and scared to death. I hadn’t wanted it at all. I’d thought about convincing Orion to drop the class, or maybe I’d do it myself since I know how much he wants that class. But ten minutes next to her and one minute of her actually looking at me instead of past me? I’m a glutton for punishment. I want more.
I want to know everything Aric can tell us. Unlike Manny, I don’t think he’s gotten any closer to her than we have, but he still knows more. We walk together to the fast food joint just down the block, saying nothing.
It’s only after we’ve gotten our food and found a table that Manny starts grilling Aric. “So why is she thinking about dropping? Why hasn’t she texted?”
I’ve been looking at my phone all morning wondering the same thing. Our teachers know that getting rid of electronics is a losing battle so she could have texted at any time. My heart has stopped and started several times, wondering if we’d get to class tomorrow and find out she’s no longer enrolled. Since it’s a special class, it’s only on Monday, Wednesdays, and Fridays. While that seemed like a great thing when we signed up, I hate it now. I want to see her every day.
Aric takes a bite of his burger, and some portion of my brain notices that he still eats them the same way – with no ketchup and extra pickles. My fingers tighten around the flimsy plastic table as I wait for him to answer.
“Like I said this morning, I know y’all think she’s been talking to me all these years, but that isn’t really the case. You know what happened after the funeral. She went to live with her mom and enrolled in DeWitt Middle instead of Baker like us because she was on the other side of the district line. My dad didn’t lose his job until eighth grade, so I was at Baker until then. I hardly saw her that year between classes. I tried to find out where she lived, but all I knew was where she went to school. I tried to catch her attention by sitting outside school once in a while, but she ignored me until I actually became a student.” Aric pushes around some fries. He’s always so confident about his words that I know I won’t like what he says next. Orion and I did the same thing – hung out at her school like dogs waiting for a treat, just to get a glimpse of her.
“I don’t think those years were good to her, guys. By eighth grade, the shadows were in her eyes already. I heard rumors from the queen bitches at DeWitt that she used to come to school covered in bruises and she missed a lot of school.”
“What?” I roar.
“Apollo,” my brother hisses, banging his shoulder into mine. He motions across the restaurant where a little boy is staring at me with wide eyes.
“Sorry,” I mutter to the kid, ignoring his mother who’s shooting me a death glare. “Why didn’t you say anything? Do anything?” Only two things are keeping me from jumping up and wringing Aric’s scrawny neck. One is that we’re in a fast food joint surrounded by little kids and old people. The second one is that he looks as upset about it as we do. Manny pushes his food away, and I know he won’t eat anymore. He doesn’t eat when he’s stressed; his swim coach hates it.
“I watched her. She never came with bruises after I started school there. When I cornered her about it, she shut down. Said the asshole her mom used to date was gone. I followed her home a few times.” His cheeks color like he’s embarrassed about it, but he won’t hear anything bad from any of us. We would have done the same. “I watched for a while. There was no boyfriend, just her mom. Her mom is a bitch, a drunk, and a pothead, but she doesn’t beat Sen. I told her I was going to tell you guys, but she begged me not to. I always felt weird talking to all of y’all after that. I hated lying to y’all, but I promised her. And I hate to sound selfish, but my own life was going to shit at the same time.” Aric’s Southern accent is stronger than ours and he falls into it when he’s upset.
Orion sighs. “We get it,” he says, but I’m not so quick to forgive him.
I remember when Aric stopped talking to us. Even though he’d moved, we still kept in touch. Then, one day he started making excuses and stopped showing up. That was when Manny wondered if he was dating Senya and two-timing us, even though we had no claim on her. His whole family went through a lot when his dad lost his job. His dad didn’t deal well with it. Life hadn’t been roses for Aric either. Out of all of us, he had the worst childhood because his parents never got along.
“I also wasn’t sure if any of y’all cared anymore,” Aric continued. “When we started high school, you guys were already hot shit with all the popular kids from Baker and on the varsity team. I knew Manny wanted to talk to her, but I didn’t know about you two.”
“You could have asked,” I growl. The thought of Senya hurt, the idea of any man putting his hands on her makes the rage build inside me. I need someone to punch. I’ve gobbled down two double cheeseburgers without even tasting them, and I shred the wrappers onto the table. If I don’t do something with my hands, I’m going to explode.
“I could have,” Aric agrees with a shrug. “Anyway, outside of school, Sen and I get together once a week for coffee. I helped her with that piece of shit she rides because I didn’t want her getting hurt. I’d do anything for her,” he adds in a softer voice. “I try to do more. I try to spend more time with her, but you know her. She hasn’t changed in some ways. She’s still just as stubborn and just as unlikely to ask for help.” A grin pulls at Aric’s mouth despite the seriousness of the situation.
I think back to when we were nine. Senya fell out of the tree in her back yard and broke her arm because she wanted to build a tree house all by herself. She was surrounded by us and had two loving parents who would have jumped in if she’d asked, but she’d done it all by herself. Until she fell. Even then, she didn’t want help. But we all helped anyway.
“This isn’t a treehouse,” Manny says in his hard as steel voice, and I know he’s remembering the same thing I am. “She was likely abused. It might still be happening for all we know. Maybe she just hides it well. If she needs help, we need to help her.” I might look scary, but Manny is scary. I have the strength to kill someone. He would actually get away with it.
“If I really thought it was still happening, I would have told you guys or gotten help for her somehow, but I don’t think it is. That’s not to say it can’t happen again. Her mother hasn’t changed, and she brings a new guy home every month. They’re not rotary club members.” He snorts.
I play with the pile of shredded paper, wishing I could sort out my feelings. It’s been this way since Senya left. I don’t really know wh
o I am anymore. She used to help me figure it out when I struggled between being me or being just like my brother. I don’t want her hurt, but… “Are you sure this is a good idea?”
Three sets of eyes look at me. “What do you mean?” Orion asks.
“Do we want to dig up the past? Maybe it’s for the best that things aren’t the way they used to be.”
“You want her to stay in an abusive household and make her handle it alone?” Manny accuses me.
I’ve never hit one of my friends, but I’m thinking about it. “No, of course not,” I growl. “But that doesn’t mean we need to be as far up her ass as we were when we were kids.”
Orion snorts, and I cuff him on the back of the head. I know exactly where his dirty mind went. Of course, he has to spell it out. “If we’re doing anything with her ass, it definitely won’t be like when we were kids.”
Aric throws his wadded-up hamburger wrapper at him, and Manny gives him the death glare from hell.
“I’m just saying,” I continue, ignoring Orion’s snickers, “that maybe it’s best we’re not as close to her as we used to be. She doesn’t want us. She’s made it really clear. So why are we even doing this?’
There’s a moment of silence that can only be broken if we don’t act like stereotypical teenagers. One of us has to confess to having real emotions. Maybe none of us would talk about this with anyone else, but we easily fall back into old patterns. We didn’t keep secrets.
“You know I’ve missed her,” Orion says softly.
“Me too,” Manny echoes.
“And I feel bad for not being there for her when I could have been,” Aric adds glumly.
“Exactly my point. There are four of us and one of her. We’re not kids anymore, and it’s not as simple as five sleeping bags in the same tent. We’re asking for trouble.”
“She has to let us back in first,” Aric points out. “With how she’s pushed us away, it might not even happen. Don’t you miss her?”
Aric’s blunt question makes me sigh. “Of course I do, asshole. Every girl I date isn’t her, and it pisses me the fuck off. But I’m not ready to have my heart broken again.”
There, I said it. I stand up and throw away my trash, not waiting for them as I stomp out of the restaurant. We might have been barely teenagers when everything went to hell, but I’ve wanted her in my life for as long as I can remember. And I know how stupid that is for a twelve-year-old to think. Hell, it’s almost more stupid for an eighteen-year-old to think. But it’s true. She broke my heart when she refused to talk to me last time. I don’t want to go through it again.
Chapter 7
Senya
I hover outside the guidance counselor’s office, my schedule crumpled in my hand. If I do this, there will be no going back. It will be like giving up, like admitting that I’m not capable of handling an old friendship with a little bit of maturity. Because that’s all it is. It’s not like they still think of me the way they used to. I’m just someone they used to know.
“Can I help you, Miss Baxter?” The secretary gives me a look that makes me feel like a bug. She manages to look at all the kids that way – like we’re something on the bottom of her shoe. Then again, I am blocking the door to the main office.
I shrug and walk away. I need to think more about this before I do anything. Munching on the sandwich I brought for lunch, it reminds me that I really need to go to the food pantry or we’ll be out of food. I walk down the hall and slide against the wall, enjoying the quiet while everyone else is in the cafeteria. I’ve been avoiding my phone, but I finally take it out to look at the messages.
SMARTYPANTS: When are we all available to meet?
GREASE MONKEY: I’m off Tues, Thurs, and Fridays but I can talk to my manager if I need to change that
SUN GOD: Tues and Thurs night works for us
STARBOY: what he said
I couldn’t resist punching their numbers in with their childhood nicknames. Even Aric’s hasn’t changed; he’s been tinkering in his dad’s garage before he was even old enough to understand what he was doing. He used to come to school with oil all over his clothes, and his lanky, long-limbed form was always really good at the monkey bars and trees at the park. It was almost too perfect.
My fingers hover over the button as I consider replying. Should I give them a chance? My hand starts shaking. If I do this, we might meet tonight. Can I handle that? I want to tear at my hair in frustration. Why does it have to be so difficult?
Grow up, I tell myself with a deep breath. The bell rings for the next period and I type a hasty message.
SENYA: Tues works for me. If we need Thursday, we can talk about that later
I push send before I can stop myself. I don’t think I can handle more than one night for right now, especially not while also seeing them in class three days a week. I’ve perfected the art of avoiding them over the last three years.
STARBOY: Awesome! Where should we meet? Our house is open.
Nobody asks if Manny is available, and I wonder if they’re together. The thought of all of them together without me drives a spear through my heart. I never felt left out when we were kids, even though I was the only girl. They went to great lengths to include me. Things have changed, though. The thought of going to the Tucker’s house makes me shiver. There are too many memories there, and I don’t really want to see the brothers’ parents. They’re too nice. Their dad is an anthropology professor (thus the reason for the Greek god names), and their mom was like a second mom: a nurse and a fabulous baker. They’re well-off, they’re good parents, and they’re everything I’ll never have in a family again.
SENYA: No. Library?
Minutes pass before anyone replies.
SMARTYPANTS: Fine. Right after school? I have to be back home by 7:30.
He doesn’t say why, and it just reminds me how much I don’t know about him anymore. He has younger siblings, one stepsister and two half-sisters, and I’m glad he doesn’t offer his house. Being in the house where he lives, it would feel like I’m too close to him. I’m not ready for that yet; I still haven’t forgiven him.
We all reply in affirmatives. For the rest of the day, I’m far more aware of them than I have been in the last three years. Unfortunately, because of my avoidance techniques, I have more classes with them this semester than I’ve had our whole high school career. I couldn’t ignore the basics anymore. In AP English, the only class I manage to get good grades anymore, Manny’s eyes bore into the back of my head. One glance leaves me with an impression of simmering anger and – guilt? Good. He should feel guilty.
In gym class, the brothers say hi before they’re dragged away by their posse. Jack waggles his tongue suggestively, and I flip him off when the teacher isn’t looking. He makes a gesture that says “bring it on”, and Apollo’s jaw hardens. Usually, I try to avoid looking at them whenever their friend is acting like a sleazy douche, but I can’t seem to help myself.
Aric smiles and nods in art, but then he gets engrossed in his project. He’s probably creating something beautiful while I attempt to make my stick figures look avant-garde. I’ve put the class off for so many years because I hate drawing, and now I have no choice but to try and squeeze some talent from my fingers. But it ain’t happening. It’s like juicing a piece of metal.
I’m so strung out with anxiety by the time school ends that I’m almost tempted to step into the stoner’s alcove with them. They’d be happy to have me. They’ve been trying to get me to join their clique for a year now, thinking the way I dress and my dark makeup automatically turns me into a tortured soul with a desire for experimentation. Tortured, yes, but my mom warned me off most substances. There’s nothing wrong with pot and it’s legal in our state now, but I can’t. Going down that road makes me feel like my mom, and I refuse to be anything like her.
“So, library?”
Aric’s voice makes me jump as I’m fiddling with the straps on my helmet. We always park our bikes in the same parking spot
so we can share the fee.
“I guess,” I mutter noncommittedly.
Aric takes the helmet from me and fixes the band that keeps coming detached. He frowns at it for a minute. “You need a new helmet.”
I shrug. “Yeah, I’ll get right on that.”
Unperturbed by my attitude, he hands the helmet back to me. His fingers brush against mine, and it makes me jump again, but not because it scares me. No. It kinda feels good. I still trust Aric. He’s never pushed me, and he’s always been there – except when I needed him most – but that’s not really his fault. It’s stupid to think the brush of his fingers feels comforting and tingling, though. Nothing can happen with that.
I slip the helmet on and fasten the buckle. He’s right. Another couple of rides and the band is going to snap off. I don’t want to spend the money on it, though. I have a hard enough time paying for insurance and fuel. I’m straddling my bike when he clears his throat and draws my attention again. His perfect eyebrows arch over his pale eyes in question.
“Yeah,” I sigh dramatically. “I’ll be there.”
I have to hit the food bank before eight, but I assume we’ll be done way before then. There’s not much to do except decide what media and theme we’ll use for our project. Without looking at him again, I start my bike and pull out of the parking lot. Most of the time, I go through life with blinders on. I don’t like to watch what goes on around me. I don’t like the looks the guys give me – horny and needy. I don’t like the looks the girls give me – disgusted or envious. I don’t like the way the adults look at me – like I’m someone they want to save. Not every adult, but the good ones. Most just ignore me like I ignore them. That happens when we have so many problems inside us that trying to think about others is too hard.
Lost & Found: Contemporary Reverse Harem Page 4
