“You wanted to be governor?” Sadie’s mouth hung open after she asked the question.
“No.” He shook his head. “But I thought I’d be somebody in Dad’s world.”
“You were. He relied on you constantly when he was prosecuting cases...”
He nodded. Thought about segueing off from where he’d been headed...
“And that doesn’t matter, does it?” Sadie asked, her face crumpling as she started to cry. And through her tears she said, quite clearly, “I get it now. I can’t believe I didn’t see it before.” She sniffed. “When they had us, they’re the ones who pushed you aside. They didn’t take you along anymore because they liked you at home, watching us...” She broke off. Then, with tears welling still, said, “Oh, Ri, I’m so sorry... I feel like an idiot, and...”
“You didn’t do anything wrong, Sadie. And I offered to stay home.” He told her the truth. He’d offered because he and his mom and dad, out together, it wasn’t the same after the twins came. They hadn’t been just the three of them anymore. “Mom was going to stay, have me start going places with Dad, and that wouldn’t work. I was just a kid. Besides, I thought you all were pretty cool. I got bored at some of those stuffy dinners.” True. All true. But it also led to him feeling superfluous in a life he’d taken for granted. In a love he’d taken for granted. Somewhere along the way...was it possible he’d become the giver because he no longer saw himself as the cherished son who’d always be his father’s only child? His most prized accomplishment?
The girls had all been so adorable. And two sets of twins... No one had paid attention to the gawky teenager anymore...
“You have to fight for her, Riley. Fight yourself, if that’s what it takes. You have to let yourself be loved.” Sadie was wiping away tears. He loved her, and all of them, so much.
And he loved his job.
Did he also love Charlize?
“I’ll think about it,” he told his little sister. There were some things a big brother had to handle on his own. No matter how old and wise the littles got.
“You promise?” she asked.
“Yes.”
He’d never broken a promise to any of them. He hadn’t made that many of them. Because he didn’t make them lightly.
She held his gaze for a long moment and then nodded. But when he’d expected her to stand, to head out, to leave him alone with his twisted-up life, she just sat there.
“Can I tell you something?”
“Of course. Always.”
“I’m afraid Tate might really be cheating on me.”
All thoughts of his own predicaments fled as he sat forward. “Why?”
“He keeps stepping out to take phone calls, and if I ask who’s calling, he brushes me off. Says it’s just work. Or something he’s not at liberty to discuss...”
“It could be...”
“Yeah.”
He didn’t think it was.
But wasn’t certain that his own prejudice against the man, for no provable reason, could be clouding his judgment.
“As we’ve just established, I’m not an expert when it comes to love...but if you’re doubting him, you need to trust your instincts. At least listen to the doubts loudly enough to do some further checking...”
“I love him.”
“I know.”
She nodded. Came around and gave him a hug. Something none of the siblings had done in a long while.
And left him to wrestle with his thoughts.
Chapter 21
Feeling ridiculous for a loss of control that was completely out of character, Charlize drove home Sunday just before six, focusing on the blue skies and sunshine, the vivid greens in the huge trees lining both sides of the road she traveled.
Her aunts had asked her to stay, but she hadn’t even been tempted to do so. She loved them. Needed them. But she was ready to have her own life.
To make it the best life it could be. For her baby. And for herself, too.
She spent her days teaching her clients to own their lives, their choices. To believe that they were in charge of their destinies.
To know that the pain of a lost relationship, a lost love, would pass, unveiling a future filled with bright possibilities.
All of the assurances she’d given over the years filled the car, haunting her, as she struggled to apply them to her own life.
So much easier to teach than to do.
And yet...all of the messages she gave to others regarding leaving love behind...the psychological and emotional truths she taught...were based on escaping unhealthy situations—abusive, criminal situations. She also helped families learn how to love each other in a healthy manner.
And sometimes love meant sacrificing herself for someone else.
As long as one didn’t lose oneself in the process. And as long as one didn’t do all the sacrificing all the time.
As she drove, the setting sun’s glare on the bumper in front of her was almost blinding. And then, moments later, around a curve, that same sun gave her crystal-clear vision of the lake she was passing.
The sun. A force they couldn’t control. One that blessed them. Lit their way. Warmed them. A trustworthy constant. It might not always be visible, one might not always feel its warmth, but the sun would always be there. It would always rise. It was a force connected to another, stronger than man, source of warmth-love.
And like the sun, just because love couldn’t always be seen, or its warmth felt, didn’t mean it wasn’t there. Sometimes life’s clouds got in the way.
Prevented you from seeing clearly.
And then the sun came out again.
Or love showed you the way. A corny line from an old song.
And utter truth.
Riley had lived a long time. He knew what his life had taught him. What his choices had taught him. But he had a huge heart. One that gave and gave and gave.
He’d opened his home to her.
His home, which was a huge part of his heart.
How could she have thought having any piece of that would be mere crumbs?
And how could she hope to have the greatest love of all time by keeping it all to herself? She’d never told him she loved him.
Had never given him her love. She felt her undying bond with him. Knew it to be the once-in-a-lifetime kind. But she’d kept it all locked inside herself.
Love didn’t work that way. Couldn’t possibly work that way. It only worked when you gave it away.
In her relationship with Riley, he’d been the only one giving.
The realization sickened her. Frightened her.
And pissed her off, too.
She’d been waiting her whole life for one thing, and then, when it finally appears, she screws up?
But what if he rejected her?
How could there be any truly happy future if her once-in-a-lifetime love rejected her?
No. She wasn’t going to let the insidiousness of doubt, of fear, prevent her from choosing to try. Choosing to live her best life.
How could she hope to help others make choices that would give them a chance to improve their lives if she couldn’t do it herself?
Life didn’t come with guarantees. But it came with endless possibilities. With chances. And choices.
Almost home, Charlize made a choice.
A small one.
She turned on the road before the one that led her to her house.
And hoped she was heading home.
* * *
Riley wasn’t pleased when he heard Pal’s bark, followed by a knock at the back door. The dog had been outside and came in, barking a welcome, not a warning.
He wasn’t open to any further sibling conversations that night. Not even with Sadie. He needed to work. To spend the evening on the internet, following up on everything Abigail had
told them. And looking for things she hadn’t said. Connections that could lead them to Matthews.
The woman allegedly hadn’t been in touch with her father for some time. She’d said, as he’d asked when she was leaving, that she’d never heard of Capital X and wasn’t aware of any of her banker father’s associates.
She could have been lying. If he could find anything, a single photo or social media mention, even an announcement of some kind, or an article about Abigail’s appointment to her position at the university, anything that could connect someone to both Abigail and her father...he’d have a viable lead.
Instead of finding it, he was dealing with a knock on the door.
His siblings wouldn’t knock. They all had keys.
Maybe he’d known who he’d find there the second he’d heard the knock. Maybe he’d hoped she’d be the one.
Maybe he hadn’t known or hoped.
Who knew?
Charlize’s long, dark hair looked windblown, her dark eyes wide and imploring as she met his gaze and held on.
“I don’t have answers,” he blurted in lieu of hello.
She nodded. “I know. May I come in?”
He stepped back. He followed behind her as she made her way through the main office to the darkened family room, turning on lights as she went.
She sat on his favorite couch, the one he’d spent the previous night on. The one with the pillow and blanket still there. She glanced at it, sitting on the end opposite of his unmade bed mess, and, when Pal jumped up, started petting the dog.
Suddenly feeling like one of her clients, like she was there for some kind of home visit, Riley grabbed the blanket and pillow, threw them in the trunk that served as a coffee table and took a seat in a chair.
“I went through a change at thirteen,” he said. If she wanted to be a counselor, then she could have it. “I didn’t handle it so well, as has been recently pointed out to me.”
“Oh? By whom?”
She wanted to know who? Not what?
“Sadie.”
She nodded, as though she knew his sisters and the particular one who’d spoken up made sense to her.
“If I had trouble adjusting at thirteen, when I’d be far more flexible and able to cope, how in the hell can anyone think I’d be a success at change at forty-three?”
“Who’s asking you to change? Sadie again?”
He stared at her. Needing to be pissed. But struggling to find any strength in the emotion.
“Why are you here?” He asked his own question, rather than answering hers.
“You asked me to give your offer some thought and I have,” she said.
His offer?
Growing cold, and then hot, he remembered asking her to live at CI headquarters. She’d said she didn’t need to think about it. She couldn’t accept crumbs.
“And?”
“I’ve decided to accept your offer.”
He stared. “Did my sister talk to you, too? Is Sadie behind this?” He wouldn’t put anything past those sisters of his. They were a strong, determined, capable bunch.
“Of course not,” Charlize said, frowning. “I’ve never met any of your siblings.”
Because she’d stayed upstairs when his family had come for CI meetings. And Riley hadn’t invited her down to meet them. Purposely. He hadn’t wanted the mess.
And yet...it appeared to be sitting in his lap, anyway. Had been ever since Sadie’s visit to his office an hour before.
“Are you rescinding the offer?” Charlize wasn’t sitting so calmly now. Her chin was tight and a peculiar note of...vulnerability had entered her tone.
She wasn’t the only one good at reading people.
“No.” He looked her right in the eye. “I think it’s the best solution.”
“Do you want me to live here?”
“Yes.”
“You’re sure?”
“Positive.” He was.
Positive.
Good to know.
“I want that, too,” she said, still sitting over there, so far away. And so...everything...to him. “I just have one condition.”
No. She wasn’t going to give him this and then take it away. Sadie said he had to fight for himself. For what he needed.
And she’d been right.
So...he’d have to meet the condition. He waited.
“It’s not a condition so much as an understanding,” she continued, running her tongue over her lower lip as she glanced away from him.
Charlize, unsure of herself?
He was intrigued. And...upset for her, too. But he couldn’t fix anything until he knew what she needed. So...he waited some more.
“I need to live honestly,” she said. “I need to be able to be myself. Feel what I feel. Share what I feel.”
“You sure you didn’t talk to Sadie?” he asked, cocking his head. But he was only half-serious. The other half of him was buying time. Whatever seconds he could get.
The rest of his life, of his child’s life, of Charlize’s life, could be affected by whatever words came out of his mouth next.
Giving him a look that said she wasn’t going to be sidetracked, a determined look, Charlize just stared at him.
Time was up.
“I need that, too.”
“You do?” Her eyes opened wider.
He nodded. “First up is being honest with myself. I’m not quite there yet, but I’m working on it.”
Her smile lit up her small corner of the room. And lit a fire inside him, too.
He wanted her like a son of a gun.
“I’m deeply in love with you, Riley. The once-in-a-lifetime, soul mate, happily-ever-after kind of love. I tried to believe such a thing was just fantasy, but I knew from the first moments I met you that you were the one for me. The one I’ve been waiting my whole life to find...” She held up a hand as though warding off whatever he’d been about to say. He had no words.
Just a heart pounding so hard he could count the beats.
“But before you go all off on what you can’t give, and what you don’t want, please understand, I’m not expecting any more from you than you’ve offered. That’s what the honesty is all about. I just can’t live here if I have to hide the fact that I’m in love with you. Because, you see, the thing about love is, it comes in all kinds of packages and sizes and shapes, with all different kinds of capabilities. I love you as you are. Who you are. While I believe in love, I also know that life is real. Imperfect. And beautiful with its imperfections. I don’t have to have marriage. I just need to be able to give you the love I feel for you. In whatever capacity you can take it.”
Pressure welled up inside his chest, cushioning the beat of his heart. Rising to his throat and up behind his eyes.
For a second there he didn’t realize what was going on. Didn’t recognize the sensation.
And when he did, he quickly froze what was happening to him.
He was not going to cry.
He was going to...
“I love you, too.”
Tears pricked behind his lids, and even as he looked at her, his eyes grew a bit moist, but he took them to her anyway, along with the rest of him. Pal, as though sensing the seriousness of her master’s situation, jumped down and Riley took her place. Gathering Charlize up into his arms, he kissed her deeply. Showing her things he wasn’t sure he understood yet. Things he couldn’t put into words.
“I know how to give,” he said as, breathless, he finally pulled his lips from hers, leaning his head forward against her. “I know how to have the backs of those I love. How to be loyal. And work hard. I don’t know how to let others give back.”
But God, he needed to learn. Fast. Because he’d wasted too many years of his life, and there was no way he could deny himself the wealth of experiences Charlize was offe
ring him.
No way he could let himself fail here.
“I’ll teach you.” Charlize’s whisper grazed his lips as her fingers framed his face. “If not with words, then with constancy. Consistency...”
Same as for their child. He almost smiled as he nodded.
But he wasn’t done yet.
“If ever there’s any threat of danger, you have to promise me that you’ll take the baby and go,” he said. “That you’ll do as law enforcement instructs, no matter what your heart tells you to do...”
“I don’t...”
“I need that promise, Charlize. I can’t bring you into my life without it.”
Her gaze darkened as she studied his, and he knew the second she understood. Even before she nodded.
And then she said, “You do know that there are a slew of FBI agents, law-enforcement officers, and US Marshals who are married, right?”
Of course he knew. And... “A lot of them fail. Because of the job. I can’t afford to take that chance.” Not when he’d finally found a love all his own.
“Statistically way more lives are lost to car accidents than to violent deaths.” She’d apparently come with her own armory full of facts.
“Wealthy people have loved ones kidnapped for ransom,” she continued without giving him a chance for response. “So should only those without means fall in love, marry and have families?”
He was getting her point. But pulled away, completely serious. She’d asked to live honestly.
And in doing so, had, in essence, demanded it from him.
“I’m thirteen years older than you,” he reminded her. “If we both live to old age, you might end up alone.”
“Unless you live to be a hundred and I go at eighty-seven. That would be a pretty good run, wouldn’t you say? And with today’s longer life spans, entirely possible, too.”
Colton 911--Family Defender Page 22
