Ruggles of Red Gap

by Harry Leon Wilson

  CHAPTER THIRTEEN

  Having written and posted my letter to the Honourable George thefollowing morning, I summoned Mr. Belknap-Jackson, conceiving it myfirst duty to notify him and Mrs. Effie of my trade intentions. I alsorequested Cousin Egbert to be present, since he was my businesssponsor.

  All being gathered at the Floud house, including Mrs. Belknap-Jackson,I told them straight that I had resolved to abandon my social career,brilliant though it had been, and to enter trade quite as one of theirmiddle-class Americans. They all gasped a bit at my first words, as Ihad quite expected them to do, but what was my surprise, when I wenton to announce the nature of my enterprise, to find them not a littleintrigued by it, and to discover that in their view I should not inthe least be lowering myself.

  "Capital, capital!" exclaimed Belknap-Jackson, and the ladies emittedlittle exclamations of similar import.

  "At last," said Mrs. Belknap-Jackson, "we shall have a place with toneto it. The hall above will be splendid for our dinner dances, and nowwe can have smart luncheons and afternoon teas."

  "And a red-coated orchestra and after-theatre suppers," said Mrs.Effie.

  "Only," put in Belknap-Jackson thoughtfully, "he will of course becompelled to use discretion about his patrons. The rabble, ofcourse----" He broke off with a wave of his hand which, although notpointedly, seemed to indicate Cousin Egbert, who once more wore thehunted look about his eyes and who sat by uneasily. I saw him wince.

  "Some people's money is just as good as other people's if you comeright down to it," he muttered, "and Bill is out for the coin.Besides, we all got to eat, ain't we?"

  Belknap-Jackson smiled deprecatingly and again waved his hand as ifthere were no need for words.

  "That rowdy Bohemian set----" began Mrs. Effie, but I made bold tointerrupt. There might, I said, be awkward moments, but I had no doubtthat I should be able to meet them with a flawless tact. Meantime, forthe ultimate confusion of the Bohemian set of Red Gap, I had toannounce that the Honourable George Augustus Vane-Basingwell wouldpresently be with us. With him as a member of the North Side set, Ipointed out, it was not possible to believe that any desirable membersof the Bohemian set would longer refuse to affiliate with the smartestpeople.

  My announcement made quite all the sensation I had anticipated.Belknap-Jackson, indeed, arose quickly and grasped me by the hand,echoing, "The Honourable George Augustus Vane-Basingwell, brother ofthe Earl of Brinstead," with little shivers of ecstasy in his voice,while the ladies pealed their excitement incoherently, with "Really!really!" and "Actually coming to Red Gap--the brother of a lord!"

  Then almost at once I detected curiously cold glances being darted ateach other by the ladies.

  "Of course we will be only too glad to put him up," said Mrs.Belknap-Jackson quickly.

  "But, my dear, he will of course come to us first," put in Mrs. Effie."Afterward, to be sure----"

  "It's so important that he should receive a favourable impression,"responded Mrs. Belknap-Jackson.

  "That's exactly why----" Mrs. Effie came back with not a littleobvious warmth. Belknap-Jackson here caught my eye.

  "I dare say Ruggles and I can be depended upon to decide a minormatter like that," he said.

  The ladies both broke in at this, rather sputteringly, but CousinEgbert silenced them.

  "Shake dice for him," he said--"poker dice, three throws, aces low."

  "How shockingly vulgar!" hissed Mrs. Belknap-Jackson.

  "Even if there were no other reason for his coming to us," remarkedher husband coldly, "there are certain unfortunate associations whichought to make his entertainment here quite impossible."

  "If you're calling me 'unfortunate associations,'" remarked CousinEgbert, "you want to get it out of your head right off. I don't mindtelling you, the Judge and I get along fine together. I told him whenI was in Paris and Europe to look me up the first thing if ever hecome here, and he said he sure would. The Judge is some mixer, believeme!"

  "The 'Judge'!" echoed the Belknap-Jacksons in deep disgust.

  "You come right down to it--I bet a cookie he stays just where I tellhim to stay," insisted Cousin Egbert. The evident conviction of histone alarmed his hearers, who regarded each other with painedspeculation.

  "Right where I tell him to stay and no place else," insisted CousinEgbert, sensing the impression he had made.

  "But this is too monstrous!" said Mr. Jackson, regarding meimploringly.

  "The Honourable George," I admitted, "has been known to do unexpectedthings, and there have been times when he was not as sensitive as Icould wish to the demands of his caste----"

  "Bill is stalling--he knows darned well the Judge is a mixer," brokein Cousin Egbert, somewhat to my embarrassment, nor did any replyoccur to me. There was a moment's awkward silence during which Ibecame sensitive to a radical change in the attitude which thesepeople bore to Cousin Egbert. They shot him looks of furtive butunmistakable respect, and Mrs. Effie remarked almost with tenderness:"We must admit that Cousin Egbert has a certain way with him."

  "I dare say Floud and I can adjust the matter satisfactorily to all,"remarked Belknap-Jackson, and with a jaunty affection ofgood-fellowship, he opened his cigarette case to Cousin Egbert.

  "I ain't made up my mind yet where I'll have him stay," announced thelatter, too evidently feeling his newly acquired importance. "I mayhave him stay one place, then again I may have him stay another. Ican't decide things like that off-hand."

  And here the matter was preposterously left, the aspirants for thissocial honour patiently bending their knees to the erstwhile despisedCousin Egbert, and the latter being visibly puffed up. By ratherawkward stages they came again to a discussion of the United StatesGrill.

  "The name, of course, might be thought flamboyant," suggestedBelknap-Jackson delicately.

  "But I have determined," I said, "no longer to resist America, and soI can think of no name more fitting."

  "Your determination," he answered, "bears rather sinisterimplications. One may be vanquished by America as I have been. One mayeven submit; but surely one may always resist a little, may not one?One need not abjectly surrender one's finest convictions, need one?"

  "Oh, shucks," put in Cousin Egbert petulantly, "what's the use of allthat 'one' stuff? Bill wants a good American name for his place. Me? Ifirst thought the 'Bon Ton Eating House' would be kind of a nice namefor it, but as soon as he said the 'United States Grill' I knew it wasa better one. It sounds kind of grand and important."

  Belknap-Jackson here made deprecating clucks, but not too directlytoward Cousin Egbert, and my choice of a name was not furthercriticised. I went on to assure them that I should have anestablishment quietly smart rather than noisily elegant, and that Imade no doubt the place would give a new tone to Red Gap, whereat theyall expressed themselves as immensely pleased, and our littleconference came to an end.

  In company with Cousin Egbert I now went to examine the premises I wasto take over. There was a spacious corner room, lighted from the frontand side, which would adapt itself well to the decorative scheme I hadin mind. The kitchen with its ranges I found would be almost quitesuitable for my purpose, requiring but little alteration, but thelarge room was of course atrociously impossible in the Americanfashion, with unsightly walls, the floors covered with American clothof a garish pattern, and the small, oblong tables and flimsy chairsvastly uninviting.

  As to the gross ideals of the former tenant, I need only say that hehad made, as I now learned, a window display of foods, quite after themanner of a draper's window: moulds of custard set in a row, flankedon either side by "pies," as the natives call their tarts, withperhaps a roast fowl or ham in the centre. Artistic vulgarity could ofcourse go little beyond this, but almost as offensive were theabundant wall-placards pathetically remaining in place.

  "Coffee like mother used to make," read one. Impertinently intimatethis, professing a familiarity with one's people that would never dowith us. "Try our Boston Baked Beans," pleaded another, quiteabj
ectly. And several others quite indelicately stated the prices atwhich different dishes might be had: "Irish Stew, 25 cents";"Philadelphia Capon, 35 cents"; "Fried Chicken, Maryland, 50 cents";"New York Fancy Broil, 40 cents." Indeed the poor chap seemed to havebeen possessed by a geographical mania, finding it difficult to submitthe simplest viands without crediting them to distant towns orprovinces.

  Upon Cousin Egbert's remarking that these bedizened placards would"come in handy," I took pains to explain to him just how different theUnited States Grill would be. The walls would be done in deep red; thefloor would be covered with a heavy Turkey carpet of the same tone;the present crude electric lighting fixtures must be replaced withindirect lighting from the ceiling and electric candlesticks for thetables. The latter would be massive and of stained oak, my generalcolour-scheme being red and brown. The chairs would be of the samestyle, comfortable chairs in which patrons would be tempted to linger.The windows would be heavily draped. In a word, the place would haveatmosphere; not the loud and blaring, elegance which I had observed inthe smartest of New York establishments, with shrieking decorationsand tables jammed together, but an atmosphere of distinction which,though subtle, would yet impress shop-assistants, plate-layers androad-menders, hodmen, carters, cattle-persons--in short themiddle-class native.

  Cousin Egbert, I fear, was not properly impressed with my plan, for helooked longingly at the wall-placards, yet he made the most loyalpretence to this effect, even when I explained further that I shouldprobably have no printed menu, which I have always regarded as theultimate vulgarity in a place where there are any proper relationsbetween patrons and steward. He made one wistful, timid reference tothe "Try Our Merchant's Lunch for 35 cents," after which he gave inentirely, particularly when I explained that ham and eggs in the bestmanner would be forthcoming at his order, even though no placardvaunted them or named their price. Advertising one's ability to serveham and eggs, I pointed out to him, would be quite like advertisingthat one was a member of the Church of England.

  After this he meekly enough accompanied me to his bank, where heplaced a thousand pounds to my credit, adding that I could go as muchfarther as I liked, whereupon I set in motion the machinery fordecorating and furnishing the place, with particular attention tosilver, linen, china, and glassware, all of which, I was resolved,should have an air of its own.

  Nor did I neglect to seek out the pair of blacks and enter into anagreement with them to assist in staffing my place. I had feared thatthe male black might have resolved to return to his adventurous lifeof outlawry after leaving the employment of Belknap-Jackson, but Ifound him peacefully inclined and entirely willing to accept servicewith me, while his wife, upon whom I would depend for much of theactual cooking, was wholly enthusiastic, admiring especially mycolour-scheme of reds. I observed at once that her almost exclusivenotion of preparing food was to fry it, but I made no doubt that Iwould be able to broaden her scope, since there are of course thingsthat one simply does not fry.

  The male black, or raccoon, at first alarmed me not a little by reasonof threats he made against Belknap-Jackson on account of having beenshopped. He nursed an intention, so he informed me, of puttingsnake-dust in the boots of his late employer and so bringing evil uponhim, either by disease or violence, but in this I discouraged himsmartly, apprising him that the Belknap-Jacksons would doubtless beamong our most desirable patrons, whereupon his wife promised for himthat he would do nothing of the sort. She was a native of formidablebulk, and her menacing glare at her consort as she made this promisegave me instant confidence in her power to control him, desperatefellow though he was.

  Later in the day, at the door of the silversmith's, Cousin Egberthailed the pressman I had met on the evening of my arrival, andinsisted that I impart to him the details of my venture. The chapseemed vastly interested, and his sheet the following morningpublished the following:

  THE DELMONICO OF THE WEST

  Colonel Marmaduke Ruggles of London and Paris, for the past two months a social favourite in Red Gap's select North Side set, has decided to cast his lot among us and will henceforth be reckoned as one of our leading business men. The plan of the Colonel is nothing less than to give Red Gap a truly elite and recherche restaurant after the best models of London and Paris, to which purpose he will devote a considerable portion of his ample means. The establishment will occupy the roomy corner store of the Pettengill block, and orders have already been placed for its decoration and furnishing, which will be sumptuous beyond anything yet seen in our thriving metropolis.

  In speaking of his enterprise yesterday, the Colonel remarked, with a sly twinkle in his eye, "Demosthenes was the son of a cutler, Cromwell's father was a brewer, your General Grant was a tanner, and a Mr. Garfield, who held, I gather, an important post in your government, was once employed on a canal-ship, so I trust that in this land of equality it will not be presumptuous on my part to seek to become the managing owner of a restaurant that will be a credit to the fastest growing town in the state.

  "You Americans have," continued the Colonel in his dry, inimitable manner, "a bewildering variety of foodstuffs, but I trust I may be forgiven for saying that you have used too little constructive imagination in the cooking of it. In the one matter of tea, for example, I have been obliged to figure in some episodes that were profoundly regrettable. Again, amid the profusion of fresh vegetables and meats, you are becoming a nation of tinned food eaters, or canned food as you prefer to call it. This, I need hardly say, adds to your cost of living and also makes you liable to one of the most dreaded of modern diseases, a disease whose rise can be traced to the rise of the tinned-food industry. Your tin openers rasp into the tin with the result that a fine sawdust of metal must drop into the contents and so enter the human system. The result is perhaps negligible in a large majority of cases, but that it is not universally so is proved by the prevalence of appendicitis. Not orange or grape pips, as was so long believed, but the deadly fine rain of metal shavings must be held responsible for this scourge. I need hardly say that at the United States Grill no tinned food will be used."

  This latest discovery of the Colonel's is important if true. Be that as it may, his restaurant will fill a long-felt want, and will doubtless prove to be an important factor in the social gayeties of our smart set. Due notice of its opening will be given in the news and doubtless in the advertising columns of this journal.

  Again I was brought to marvel at a peculiarity of the American press,a certain childish eagerness for marvels and grotesque wonders. I hadgiven but passing thought to my remarks about appendicitis and itsrelation to the American tinned-food habit, nor, on reading the chap'sscreed, did they impress me as being fraught with vital interest tothinking people; in truth, I was more concerned with the comparison ofmyself to a restaurateur of the crude new city of New York, whichmight belittle rather than distinguish me, I suspected. But what wasmy astonishment to perceive in the course of a few days that I hadcreated rather a sensation, with attending newspaper publicity which,although bizarre enough, I am bound to say contributed not a little tothe consideration in which I afterward came to be held by the moreserious-minded persons of Red Gap.

  Busied with the multitude of details attending my installation, I wascalled upon by another press chap, representing a Spokane sheet, whowished me to elaborate my views concerning the most probable cause ofappendicitis, which I found myself able to do with some eloquence,reciting among other details that even though the metal dust might beof an almost microscopic fineness, it could still do a mischief toone's appendix. The press chap appeared wholly receptive to my views,and, after securing details of my plan to smarten Red Gap with arestaurant of real distinction, he asked so civilly for a photographicportrait of myself that I was unable to refuse him. The thing was asnap taken of me one morning at Chaynes-Wotten by Higgins, the butler,as I stood by his lordship's saddle
mare. It was not by any means thebest likeness I have had, but there was a rather effective bit ofbackground disclosing the driveway and the facade of the East Wing.

  This episode I had well-nigh forgotten when on the following Sunday Ifound the thing emblazoned across a page of the Spokane sheet under ashrieking headline: "Can Opener Blamed for Appendicitis." A secondaryheading ran, "Famous British Sportsman and Bon Vivant Advances NovelTheory." Accompanying this was a print of the photograph entitled,"Colonel Marmaduke Ruggles with His Favourite Hunter, at His EnglishCountry Seat."

  Although the article made suitable reference to myself and myenterprise, it was devoted chiefly to a discussion of my tin-openingtheory and was supplemented by a rather snarky statement signed by aphysician declaring it to be nonsense. I thought the fellow might havechosen his words with more care, but again dismissed the matter frommy mind. Yet this was not to be the last of it. In due time came a NewYork sheet with a most extraordinary page. "Titled Englishman LearnsCause of Appendicitis," read the heading in large, muddy type. Belowwas the photograph of myself, now entitled, "Sir Marmaduke Ruggles andHis Favourite Hunter." But this was only one of the illustrations.From the upper right-hand corner a gigantic hand wielding a tin-openerrained a voluminous spray of metal, presumably, upon a cowering wretchin the lower left-hand corner, who was quite plainly all in. Therewere tables of statistics showing the increase, side by side ofappendicitis and the tinned-food industry, a matter to which I haddevoted, said the print, years of research before announcing mydiscovery. Followed statements from half a dozen distinguishedsurgeons, each signed autographically, all but one rather bluntlydisagreeing with me, insisting that the tin-opener cuts cleanly and,if not man's best friend, should at least be considered one of thetriumphs of civilization. The only exception announced that he was atpresent conducting laboratory experiments with a view to testing mytheory and would disclose his results in due time. Meantime, hecounselled the public to be not unduly alarmed.

  Of the further flood of these screeds, which continued for the betterpart of a year, I need not speak. They ran the gamut from seriousleaders in medical journals to paid ridicule of my theory inadvertisements printed by the food-tinning persons, and I have toadmit that in the end the public returned to a full confidence in itstinned foods. But that is beside the point, which was that Red Gap hadbecome intensely interested in the United States Grill, and to this Iwas not averse, though I would rather I had been regarded as one oftheir plain, common sort, instead of the fictitious Colonel whichCousin Egbert's well-meaning stupidity had foisted upon the town. The"Sir Marmaduke Ruggles and His Favourite Hunter" had been especiallyrepugnant to my finer taste, particularly as it was seized upon by thecheap one-and-six fellow Hobbs for some of his coarsest humour, hemore than once referring to that detestable cur of Mrs. Judson's, whohad quickly resumed his allegiance to me, as my "hunting pack."

  The other tradesmen of the town, I am bound to say, exhibited afriendly interest in my venture which was always welcome and oftenhelpful. Even one of my competitors showed himself to be a dead sportby coming to me from time to time with hints and advice. He was anentirely worthy person who advertised his restaurant as "Bert'sPlace." "Go to Bert's Place for a Square Meal," was his favoured linein the public prints. He, also, I regret to say, made a practice ofdisplaying cooked foods in his show-window, the window carrying theline in enamelled letters, "Tables Reserved for Ladies."

  Of course between such an establishment and my own there could belittle in common, and I was obliged to reject a placard which heoffered me, reading, "No Checks Cashed. This Means You!" although heand Cousin Egbert warmly advised that I display it in a conspicuousplace. "Some of them dead beats in the North Side set will put yousideways if you don't," warned the latter, but I held firmly to theline of quiet refinement which I had laid down, and explained that Icould allow no such inconsiderate mention of money to be obtruded uponthe notice of my guests. I would devise some subtler protectionagainst the dead beet-roots.

  In the matter of music, however, I was pleased to accept the advice ofCousin Egbert. "Get one of them musical pianos that you put a nickelin," he counselled me, and this I did, together with an assortedrepertoire of selections both classical and popular, the latterconsisting chiefly of the ragging time songs to which the nativeAmericans perform their folkdances.

  And now, as the date of my opening drew near, I began to suspect thatits social values might become a bit complicated. Mrs. Belknap-Jackson,for example, approached me in confidence to know if she might reserveall the tables in my establishment for the opening evening, remarkingthat it would be as well to put the correct social cachet upon theplace at once, which would be achieved by her inviting only thedesirable people. Though she was all for settling the matter at once,something prompted me to take it under consideration.

  The same evening Mrs. Effie approached me with a similar suggestion,remarking that she would gladly take it upon herself to see that theoccasion was unmarred by the presence of those one would not care tomeet in one's own home. Again I was non-committal, somewhat to herannoyance.

  The following morning I was sought by Mrs. Judge Ballard with theinformation that much would depend upon my opening, and if the matterwere left entirely in her hands she would be more than glad to insureits success. Of her, also, I begged a day's consideration, suspectingthen that I might be compelled to ask these three social leaders tounite amicably as patronesses of an affair that was bound to have asupreme social significance. But as I still meditated profoundly overthe complication late that afternoon, overlooking in the meanwhile anelectrician who was busy with my shaded candlesticks, I was surprisedby the self-possessed entrance of the leader of the Bohemian set, theKlondike person of whom I have spoken. Again I was compelled toobserve that she was quite the most smartly gowned woman in Red Gap,and that she marvellously knew what to put on her head.

  She coolly surveyed my decorations and such of the furnishings as werein place before addressing me.

  "I wish to engage one of your best tables," she began, "for youropening night--the tenth, isn't it?--this large one in the corner willdo nicely. There will be eight of us. Your place really won't be halfbad, if your food is at all possible."

  The creature spoke with a sublime effrontery, quite as if she had nothelped a few weeks before to ridicule all that was best in Red Gapsociety, yet there was that about her which prevented me from rebukingher even by the faintest shade in my manner. More than this, Isuddenly saw that the Bohemian set would be a factor in my trade whichI could not afford to ignore. While I affected to consider her requestshe tapped the toe of a small boot with a correctly rolled umbrella,lifting her chin rather attractively meanwhile to survey my freshlydone ceiling. I may say here that the effect of her was mostcompelling, and I could well understand the bitterness with which theladies of the Onwards and Upwards Society had gossiped her to rags.Incidently, this was the first correctly rolled umbrella, saving myown, that I had seen in North America.

  "I shall be pleased," I said, "to reserve this table for you--eightplaces, I believe you said?"

  She left me as a duchess might have. She was that sort. I felt almostquite unequal to her. And the die was cast. I faced each of the threeladies who had previously approached me with the declaration that Iwas a licensed victualler, bound to serve all who might apply. Thatwhile I was keenly sensitive to the social aspects of my business, itwas yet a business, and I must, therefore, be in supreme control. Injustice to myself I could not exclusively entertain any faction of theNorth Side set, nor even the set in its entirety. In each instance, Iadded that I could not debar from my tables even such members of theBohemian set as conducted themselves in a seemly manner. It was adifficult situation, calling out all my tact, yet I faced it with afirmness which was later to react to my advantage in ways I did notyet dream of.

  So engrossed for a month had I been with furnishers, decorators, charpersons, and others that the time of the Honourable George's arrivaldrew on quite before I realiz
ed it. A brief and still snarky note hadapprised me of his intention to come out to North America, whereupon Ihad all but forgotten him, until a telegram from Chicago or one ofthose places had warned me of his imminence. This I displayed toCousin Egbert, who, much pleased with himself, declared that theHonourable George should be taken to the Floud home directly upon hisarrival.

  "I meant to rope him in there on the start," he confided to me, "but Ilet on I wasn't decided yet, just to keep 'em stirred up. Mrs. Effieshe butters me up with soft words every day of my life, and thatJackson lad has offered me about ten thousand of them vegetablecigarettes, but I'll have to throw him down. He's the human flivver.Put him in a car of dressed beef and he'd freeze it between here andSpokane. Yes, sir; you could cut his ear off and it wouldn't bleed. Iain't going to run the Judge against no such proposition like that."Of course the poor chap was speaking his own backwoods metaphor, as Iam quite sure he would have been incapable of mutilatingBelknap-Jackson, or even of imprisoning him in a goods van of beef. Imean to say, it was merely his way of speaking and was not to be takenat all literally.

  As a result of his ensuing call upon the pressman, the sheet of thefollowing morning contained word of the Honourable George's coming,the facts being not garbled more than was usual with this chap.

  RED GAP'S NOTABLE GUEST

  En route for our thriving metropolis is a personage no less distinguished than the Honourable George Augustus Vane-Basingwell, only brother and next in line of succession to his lordship the Earl of Brinstead, the well-known British peer of London, England. Our noble visitor will be the house guest of Senator and Mrs. J. K. Floud, at their palatial residence on Ophir Avenue, where he will be extensively entertained, particularly by our esteemed fellow-townsman, Egbert G. Floud, with whom he recently hobnobbed during the latter's stay in Paris, France. His advent will doubtless prelude a season of unparalleled gayety, particularly as Mr. Egbert Floud assures us that the "Judge," as he affectionately calls him, is "sure some mixer." If this be true, the gentleman has selected a community where his talent will find ample scope, and we bespeak for his lordship a hearty welcome.