CHAPTER LXXXV.
THE GREAT MASSACRE OF THE BEARDS.
The preceding chapter fitly paves the way for the present, wherein itsadly befalls White-Jacket to chronicle a calamitous event, whichfilled the Neversink with long lamentations, that echo through all herdecks and tops. After dwelling upon our redundant locks andthrice-noble beards, fain would I cease, and let the sequel remainundisclosed, but truth and fidelity forbid.
As I now deviously hover and lingeringly skirmish about the frontiersof this melancholy recital, a feeling of sadness comes over me that Icannot withstand. Such a heartless massacre of hair! Such aBartholomew's Day and Sicilian Vespers of assassinated beards! Ah! whowould believe it! With intuitive sympathy I feel of my own brown beardwhile I write, and thank my kind stars that each precious hair is forever beyond the reach of the ruthless barbers of a man-of-war!
It needs that this sad and most serious matter should be faithfullydetailed. Throughout the cruise, many of the officers had expressedtheir abhorrence of the impunity with which the most extensiveplantations of hair were cultivated under their very noses; and theyfrowned upon every beard with even greater dislike. They said it wasunseamanlike; not _ship-shape;_ in short, it was disgraceful to theNavy. But as Captain Claret said nothing, and as the officers, ofthemselves, had no authority to preach a crusade against whiskerandoes,the Old Guard on the forecastle still complacently stroked theirbeards, and the sweet youths of the After-guard still lovingly threadedtheir fingers through their curls.
Perhaps the Captain's generosity in thus far permitting our beardssprung from the fact that he himself wore a small speck of a beard uponhis own imperial cheek; which if rumour said true, was to hidesomething, as Plutarch relates of the Emperor Adrian. But, to do himjustice--as I always have done--the Captain's beard did not exceed thelimits prescribed by the Navy Department.
According to a then recent ordinance at Washington, the beards of bothofficers and seamen were to be accurately laid out and surveyed, and onno account must come lower than the mouth, so as to correspond with theArmy standard--a regulation directly opposed to the theocratical lawlaid down in the nineteenth chapter and twenty-seventh verse ofLeviticus, where it is expressly ordained, "_Thou shalt not mar thecorners of thy beard_." But legislators do not always square theirstatutes by those of the Bible.
At last, when we had crossed the Northern Tropic, and were standing upto our guns at evening quarters, and when the setting sun, streaming inat the port-holes, lit up every hair, till to an observer on thequarter-deck, the two long, even lines of beards seemed one densegrove; in that evil hour it must have been, that a cruel thoughtentered into the heart of our Captain.
A pretty set of savages, thought he, am I taking home to America;people will think them all catamounts and Turks. Besides, now that Ithink of it, it's against the law. It will never do. They must beshaven and shorn--that's flat.
There is no knowing, indeed, whether these were the very words in whichthe Captain meditated that night; for it is yet a mooted point amongmetaphysicians, whether we think in words or whether we think inthoughts. But something like the above must have been the Captain'scogitations. At any rate, that very evening the ship's company wereastounded by an extraordinary announcement made at the main-hatch-wayof the gun-deck, by the Boat-swain's mate there stationed. He wasafterwards discovered to have been tipsy at the time.
"D'ye hear there, fore and aft? All you that have hair on your heads,shave them off; and all you that have beards, trim 'em small!"
Shave off our Christian heads! And then, placing them between ourknees, trim small our worshipped beards! The Captain was mad.
But directly the Boatswain came rushing to the hatchway, and, aftersoundly rating his tipsy mate, thundered forth a true version of theorder that had issued from the quarter-deck. As amended, it ran thus:
"D'ye hear there, fore and aft? All you that have long hair, cut itshort; and all you that have large whiskers, trim them down, accordingto the Navy regulations."
This was an amendment, to be sure; but what barbarity, after all! What!not thirty days' run from home, and lose our magnificenthomeward-bounders! The homeward-bounders we had been cultivating solong! Lose them at one fell swoop? Were the vile barbers of thegun-deck to reap our long, nodding harvests, and expose our innocentchins to the chill air of the Yankee coast! And our viny locks! werethey also to be shorn? Was a grand sheep-shearing, such as theyannually have at Nantucket, to take place; and our ignoble barbers tocarry off the fleece?
Captain Claret! in cutting our beards and our hair, you cut us theunkindest cut of all! Were we going into action, Captain Claret--goingto fight the foe with our hearts of flame and our arms of steel, thenwould we gladly offer up our beards to the terrific God of War, and_that_ we would account but a wise precaution against having themtweaked by the foe. _Then_, Captain Claret, you would but be imitatingthe example of Alexander, who had his Macedonians all shaven, that inthe hour of battle their beards might not be handles to the Persians.But _now_, Captain Claret! when after our long, long cruise, we arereturning to our homes, tenderly stroking the fine tassels on ourchins; and thinking of father or mother, or sister or brother, ordaughter or son; to cut off our beards now--the very beards that werefrosted white off the pitch of Patagonia--_this_ is too bitterly bad,Captain Claret! and, by Heaven, we will not submit. Train your gunsinboard, let the marines fix their bayonets, let the officers drawtheir swords; we _will not_ let our beards be reaped--the last insultinflicted upon a vanquished foe in the East!
Where are you, sheet-anchor-men! Captains of the tops! gunner's mates!mariners, all! Muster round the capstan your venerable beards, andwhile you braid them together in token of brotherhood, cross hands andswear that we will enact over again the mutiny of the Nore, and soonerperish than yield up a hair!
The excitement was intense throughout that whole evening. Groups oftens and twenties were scattered about all the decks, discussing themandate, and inveighing against its barbarous author. The long area ofthe gun-deck was something like a populous street of brokers, when someterrible commercial tidings have newly arrived. One and all, theyresolved not to succumb, and every man swore to stand by his beard andhis neighbour.
Twenty-four hours after--at the next evening quarters--the Captain'seye was observed to wander along the men at their guns--not a beard wasshaven!
When the drum beat the retreat, the Boatswain--now attended by all fourof his mates, to give additional solemnity to theannouncement--repeated the previous day's order, and concluded bysaying, that twenty-four hours would be given for all to acquiesce.
But the second day passed, and at quarters, untouched, every beardbristled on its chin. Forthwith Captain Claret summoned the midshipmen,who, receiving his orders, hurried to the various divisions of theguns, and communicated them to the Lieutenants respectively stationedover divisions.
The officer commanding mine turned upon us, and said, "Men, if tomorrownight I find any of you with long hair, or whiskers of a standardviolating the Navy regulations, the names of such offenders shall beput down on the report."
The affair had now assumed a most serious aspect. The Captain was inearnest. The excitement increased ten-fold; and a great many of theolder seamen, exasperated to the uttermost, talked about _knocking ofduty_ till the obnoxious mandate was revoked. I thought it impossiblethat they would seriously think of such a folly; but there is noknowing what man-of-war's-men will sometimes do, underprovocation--witness Parker and the Nore.
That same night, when the first watch was set, the men in a body drovethe two boatswain's mates from their stations at the fore and mainhatchways, and unshipped the ladders; thus cutting off allcommunication between the gun and spar decks, forward of the main-mast.
Mad Jack had the trumpet; and no sooner was this incipient mutinyreported to him, than he jumped right down among the mob, andfearlessly mingling with them, exclaimed, "What do you mean, men? don'tbe fools! This is no way to get what you want. Turn to, my lads, turn
to! Boatswain's mate, ship that ladder! So! up you tumble, now, myhearties! away you go!"
His gallant, off-handed, confident manner, recognising no attempt atmutiny, operated upon the sailors like magic.
They _tumbled up_, as commanded; and for the rest of that nightcontented themselves with privately fulminating their displeasureagainst the Captain, and publicly emblazoning every anchor-button onthe coat of admired Mad jack.
Captain Claret happened to be taking a nap in his cabin at the momentof the disturbance; and it was quelled so soon that he knew nothing ofit till it was officially reported to him. It was afterward rumouredthrough the ship that he reprimanded Mad Jack for acting as he did. Hemain-tained that he should at once have summoned the marines, andcharged upon the "mutineers." But if the sayings imputed to the Captainwere true, he nevertheless refrained from subsequently noticing thedisturbance, or attempting to seek out and punish the ringleaders. Thiswas but wise; for there are times when even the most potent governormust wink at transgression in order to preserve the laws inviolate forthe future. And great care is to be taken, by timely management, toavert an incontestable act of mutiny, and so prevent men from beingroused, by their own consciousness of transgression, into all the furyof an unbounded insurrection. _Then_ for the time, both soldiers andsailors are irresistible; as even the valour of Caesar was made toknow, and the prudence of Germanicus, when their legions rebelled. Andnot all the concessions of Earl Spencer, as First lord of theAdmiralty, nor the threats and entreaties of Lord Bridport, the Admiralof the Fleet--no, nor his gracious Majesty's plenary pardon inprospective, could prevail upon the Spithead mutineers (when at lastfairly lashed up to the mark) to succumb, until deserted by their ownmess-mates, and a handful was left in the breach.
Therefore, Mad Jack! you did right, and no one else could haveacquitted himself better. By your crafty simplicity, good-natureddaring, and off-handed air (as if nothing was happening) you perhapsquelled a very serious affair in the bud, and prevented the disgrace tothe American Navy of a tragical mutiny, growing out of whiskers,soap-suds, and razors. Think of it, if future historians should devotea long chapter to the great _Rebellion of the Beards_ on board theUnited States ship Neversink. Why, through all time thereafter, barberswould cut down their spiralised poles, and substitute miniaturemain-masts for the emblems of their calling.
And here is ample scope for some pregnant instruction, how that eventsof vast magnitude in our man-of-war world may originate in the pettiestof trifles. But that is an old theme; we waive it, and proceed.
On the morning following, though it was not a regular shaving day, thegun-deck barbers were observed to have their shops open, theirmatch-tub accommodations in readiness, and their razors displayed. Withtheir brushes, raising a mighty lather in their tin pots, they stoodeyeing the passing throng of seamen, silently inviting them to walk inand be served. In addition to their usual implements, they nowflourished at intervals a huge pair of sheep-shears, by way of moreforcibly reminding the men of the edict which that day must be obeyed,or woe betide them.
For some hours the seamen paced to and fro in no very good humour,vowing not to sacrifice a hair. Beforehand, they denounced that man whoshould abase himself by compliance. But habituation to discipline ismagical; and ere long an old forecastle-man was discovered elevatedupon a match-tub, while, with a malicious grin, his barber--a fellowwho, from his merciless rasping, was called Blue-Skin--seized him byhis long beard, and at one fell stroke cut it off and tossed it out ofthe port-hole behind him. This forecastle-man was ever afterwards knownby a significant title--in the main equivalent to that name of reproachfastened upon that Athenian who, in Alexander's time, previous to whichall the Greeks sported beards, first submitted to the deprivation ofhis own. But, spite of all the contempt hurled on our forecastle-man,so prudent an example was soon followed; presently all the barbers werebusy.
Sad sight! at which any one but a barber or a Tartar would have wept!Beards three years old; _goatees_ that would have graced a Chamois ofthe Alps; _imperials_ that Count D'Orsay would have envied; and_love-curls_ and man-of-war ringlets that would have measured, inch forinch, with the longest tresses of The Fair One with the GoldenLocks--all went by the board! Captain Claret! how can you rest in yourhammock! by this brown beard which now waves from my chin--theillustrious successor to that first, young, vigorous beard I yielded toyour tyranny--by this manly beard, I swear, it was barbarous!
My noble captain, Jack Chase, was indignant. Not even all the specialfavours he had received from Captain Claret, and the plenary pardonextended to him for his desertion into the Peruvian service, couldrestrain the expression of his feelings. But in his cooler moments,Jack was a wise man; he at last deemed it but wisdom to succumb.
When he went to the barber he almost drew tears from his eyes. Seatinghimself mournfully on the match-tub, he looked sideways, and said tothe barber, who was _slithering_ his sheep-shears in readiness tobegin: "My friend, I trust your scissors are consecrated. Let them nottouch this beard if they have yet to be dipped in holy water; beardsare sacred things, barber. Have you no feeling for beards, my friend?think of it;" and mournfully he laid his deep-dyed, russet cheek uponhis hand. "Two summers have gone by since my chin has been reaped. Iwas in Coquimbo then, on the Spanish Main; and when the husband-man wassowing his Autumnal grain on the Vega, I started this blessed beard;and when the vine-dressers were trimming their vines in the vineyards,I first trimmed it to the sound of a flute. Ah! barber, have you noheart? This beard has been caressed by the snow-white hand of thelovely Tomasita of Tombez--the Castilian belle of all lower Peru. Thinkof _that_, barber! I have worn it as an officer on the quarter-deck ofa Peruvian man-of-war. I have sported it at brilliant fandangoes inLima. I have been alow and aloft with it at sea. Yea, barber! it hasstreamed like an Admiral's pennant at the mast-head of this samegallant frigate, the Neversink! Oh! barber, barber! it stabs me to theheart.--Talk not of hauling down your ensigns and standards whenvanquished--what is _that_, barber! to striking the flag that Natureherself has nailed to the mast!"
Here noble Jack's feelings overcame him: he dropped from the animatedattitude into which his enthusiasm had momentarily transported him; hisproud head sunk upon his chest, and his long, sad beard almost grazedthe deck.
"Ay! trail your beards in grief and dishonour, oh crew of theNeversink!" sighed Jack. "Barber, come closer--now, tell me, my friend,have you obtained absolution for this deed you are about to commit? Youhave not? Then, barber, I will absolve you; your hands shall be washedof this sin; it is not you, but another; and though you are about toshear off my manhood, yet, barber, I freely forgive you; kneel, kneel,barber! that I may bless you, in token that I cherish no malice!"
So when this barber, who was the only tender-hearted one of his tribe,had kneeled, been absolved, and then blessed, Jack gave up his beardinto his hands, and the barber, clipping it off with a sigh, held ithigh aloft, and, parodying the style of the boatswain's mates, criedaloud, "D'ye hear, fore and aft? This is the beard of our matchlessJack Chase, the noble captain of this frigate's main-top!"
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