“Donny thinks it’s a classic case of nature versus nurture,” said Donny.
“Potential Friend lasts forever,” Boggs added.
“Personally,” said Pritchett, “I think Rex is lucky.”
“Lucky?” I asked. “How do you figure?”
“These past few weeks have been a disaster. For all of us. I had a good thing going on Earth. You guys had your zontonium. Donny’s head was still attached. My plan at this point is to get drunk and stay that way for as long as it takes to wipe all this from my memory.”
Pepper and I traded glances. I could see she was thinking the same thing I was.
“Do you think they can do it?” she asked.
“I don’t see why not. They did it hundreds of times in the past. Hey, Egslaad, can you remember the changes you made to the Shiva plans?”
“Yes. Why?”
“We need to trade them for something.”
“What are you talking about?” Pritchett asked. “Trade it for what?”
“Rex’s memories.”
Chapter Twenty-eight
Back when Rex and I unwittingly worked for the Sp’ossels, they used to wipe Rex’s memory after every job. But they also kept a full record of Rex’s memories in case they needed them. So before they performed the memory wipes, they’d do a full memory scan—the kind of scan they did on Rex after they caught us breaking into the bank vault on Mordecon Seven. Theoretically, they should be able to restore Rex’s memories up to that point. If we could get them to do it.
Fortunately, we had something the Sp’ossels needed: without Egslaad’s modifications, the Shiva plans they’d taken from us were virtually worthless. We were officially out of the planet-building business anyway, so there was no harm in giving them up. Vlaak, in his hurry to get off Blintherd, hadn’t made any stipulations to our immunity deal requiring that we not share the Shiva plans with anybody, so legally we weren’t under any obligation to keep them under wraps. With any luck, the Malarchy would never even find out who gave them to the Sp’ossels.
We sent an encrypted subspace transmission to the Sp’ossel headquarters telling them we had the Shiva plans on Blintherd. Less than three hours later, a ship landed outside of Egslaad’s cave. Doctors Smulders and LaRue exited. They didn’t look happy.
“Having trouble creating habitable planets?” Pepper asked.
“So you knew the plans were flawed,” Dr. Smulders said. “You were working together this whole time.”
“Actually, no,” I replied. “But we do have something you need.”
“Oh?” said Dr. LaRue. “What’s that?”
“Instructions for modifying the Shiva device to eliminate the side effects. With some simple modifications, you’ll be creating habitable planets by this time tomorrow.”
“Blarch,” Rex said. It was the closest he’d come to speaking an actual word since he’d been born earlier that day.
“Excuse me?” Dr. Smulders said.
“Rex isn’t quite himself,” Pepper explained.
“We’re willing to give you the instructions for modifying the Shiva devices,” I said, “but we need you to give Rex his memories back.”
Dr. Smulders frowned. “Which memories?”
“All of them,” Pepper said. “He’s what you might call a blank slate at this point.”
“Has he suffered some kind of brain damage?” Dr. LaRue asked, peering curiously at Rex. Rex stared blankly back at her. Dr. LaRue peered into Rex’s eyes. Rex opened his mouth wide and clamped it shut on Dr. LaRue’s nose.
“Gyaaaagh!” Dr. LaRue cried, stumbling backwards. She wiped her nose with her sleeve.
“He’s going through an oral fixation stage at present,” I explained.
“We don’t think there’s anything wrong with his brain,” Pepper said. “I mean, other than being empty.”
“How did this happen?” Dr. Smulders asked.
“It’s a long story,” Pepper said. “The short version is that he was born about eight hours ago. Can you give him his memories back or not?”
“It’s a delicate process,” Dr. Smulders said. “Memories aren’t just data. The process of creating memories changes the physical structure of the brain. If what you’re saying is true, then Rex’s brain hasn’t had time to develop the appropriate neural pathways. Our process is designed to reconfigure these pathways to some extent, but the effects on a brain that’s effectively a tabula rasa are… impossible to predict.”
Dr. LaRue, still rubbing her nose, nodded. “He could have a brain aneurysm or go completely insane. Or any of a hundred other possibilities. There’s simply no way to know.”
“Blarch,” Rex added.
“But you’re willing to try?” Pepper asked.
Dr. Smulders glanced at Dr. LaRue, who nodded. “We can try,” said Smulders. “Where are the modified Shiva plans?”
“This is our engineer, Egslaad,” Pepper said. “He can give you the modification instructions. After you restore Rex’s memories.”
“We’ve just told you the risks,” Dr. Smulders said. “Are you sure you want to go through with it?”
I looked to Pepper, Boggs and Donny. “Well, guys, what do you think?”
“Donny likes new Rex,” Donny said, “but Donny’s existentialist leanings make it difficult for Donny to dismiss the intrinsic value of the subjective record of human experiences represented by Rex’s stored memories.”
Boggs nodded. “Boggs likes being smarter than dumb Potential Friend, but Boggs misses smart Potential Friend more.”
“Okay, but you guys understand that something could go terribly wrong?” I said. “There’s no guarantee that we’ll get Rex back. We don’t know what we’re going to get.”
“I think we’re in agreement that it’s worth the risk,” Pepper said. “I mean, to be completely honest, this version of Rex is a lot more manageable that the old one, even with the frequent diaper changes. But I think we owe it to him to try.”
I nodded. “Okay,” I said. “Let’s do this.”
“You need to understand,” said Dr. Smulders, “that whether or not we are successful, we will require the modified plans. That’s the deal.”
“Wait,” said Pepper. “If you screw up Rex’s brain, you’re still going to insist we pay you?”
Dr. Smulders shrugged. “As I said, there is no guarantee of success. We will do our best, but we will require the modified plans either way. We will take them by force if necessary. Do not underestimate the reach of the Sp’ossels.”
“It’s okay, Pepper,” I said. “We decided it’s worth the risk. Let’s get this over with.”
Dr. LaRue took Rex by the arm. “This will go faster if we can get started transcribing the modifications,” she said.
Pepper shot a concerned glance at me.
“We have nothing to gain by cheating you at this point,” Dr. LaRue said. “Be reasonable.”
“Go ahead, Egslaad,” I said. “Let’s get this over with.”
Doctors LaRue and Smulders escorted Rex to their ship, with Egslaad hopping along behind them. The rest of us waited nervously outside. Twenty minutes later, Egslaad exited, followed by the others. Rex, walking between the two Sp’ossels, stared at us with the same blank expression he’d had before.
“Did you do it?” Pepper asked. “He doesn’t look any different.” As I examined Rex’s pupils, he opened his mouth and pressed his tongue against my cheek, giving it a long, slow, lick. I shivered and pulled away.
“We executed the procedure,” Dr. Smulders said. “It’s too early to say if it was successful. A scan revealed no serious physical trauma, but the memories may take some time to cohere. He may remain in a permanent dissociative state or regress into catatonia.”
Rex smacked his lips while continuing to stare blankly into space.
“When will we know if it worked?” I asked.
Dr. LaRue shrugged. “Could be minutes. Could be weeks. There’s no way to know. You’ll take him from here?”
I sighed, wondering if we’d made a terrible mistake. “Yeah, we’ll take him. Thanks for your help.”
“Very good,” said Dr. Smulders. “Nice doing business with you all again.”
They turned and got back on their spaceship. A moment later, it rocketed into the sky.
“Rex?” I said, cautiously approaching him. “Rex, it’s Sasha. Are you okay?” But he showed no sign of having noticed me.
“Now what?” Pepper asked, studying Rex.
“Let’s get him inside,” I said. “Egslaad, is it all right if we stay here until we know if Rex is going to be okay?” The fact was, even if Rex got his mind back, I didn’t know what we were going to do. We were flat broke, and both the Flagrante Delicto and Bad Little Kitty had been destroyed by the Shiva device back on Earth. We didn’t even have a way of getting off Blintherd. What we really needed was Rex’s unique talent for devising insane schemes to reverse our fortunes. But Rex remained mute and insensible.
“Fine, fine,” Egslaad said. He led the way back into the cave. Pepper went after him, and I followed, leading Rex by the hand. Pritchett, Boggs and Donny brought up the rear.
“I’m exhausted,” Pepper said. There were grunts and murmurs of agreement from around the room. It had been a long day.
“Get some sleep, everybody,” I said. “Donny and I can stay up and make sure nothing happens to Rex.
“Thanks, Sasha,” Pepper said. “We’ll talk in the morning about what to do next.”
“Blarch,” Rex said.
Everyone turned to look at Rex.
“Sir?” I said. “Did you say something?”
“Blarch,” Rex said again.
I sighed. “Go to bed, everyone. I’ll keep an eye on him.”
As the others did their best to find a comfortable place in the cave to bed down for the night, I kept an eye on Rex. After staring at the cave wall for a while, he opened and closed his mouth several times, smacking his lips together loudly, and then said, “My mouth tastes like a Valorkkian muck-beast’s back side. Sasha, what did I tell you about letting me drink more than five shots of Ragulian whiskey?”
For a moment I was too stunned to reply. The others were all frozen, staring at Rex.
“Not to, sir,” I managed to say at last. “Sir, are you okay? Are you really back?”
“Back from where?” he said, looking around the cave. “Space, I could use a drink. Sasha, pour me six shots of Ragulian whiskey.”
“That’s probably not a good idea, sir,” I said. “You’re recovering from severe memory loss. And, well, death.”
“That explains the taste,” Rex said. “No matter, Sasha. We’ve got work to do.”
“Work, sir?”
“Sasha, get your head in the game. Don’t you see? Those Sp’ossels pulled a number on us. Screwed with our memories and then dumped us in this cave. If we don’t get moving, they’re going to find him before we do.”
“Find whom, sir?”
“The Prancing Pigman, Sasha,” Rex exclaimed. “Sometimes I wonder what you’d do without me.”
“I’d undoubtedly flounder, sir.”
“You bet you would. Now let’s blow this joint and go find those Shiva plans. The Sp’ossels may have temporarily gotten the upper hand, but we’re not out of the game yet. I have a really good feeling about this job.”
“Yes, sir,” I said. “I’m sure you’re right, sir.”
“Of course I am. But before we go, I have a question for you.”
“Sir?”
“There’s no easy way to say this, so I’m just going to blurt it out.”
“All right, sir.”
“Sasha, did that mushroom just move?”
“I believe so, sir.”
“Thank Space,” Rex said. “I thought I was losing my mind.”
Review this Book!
Did you enjoy The Wrath of Cons? Please take a moment to leave a review on Amazon.com! Reviews are very important for getting the word out to other readers, and it only takes a few seconds.
Leave a review now!
More books by Robert Kroese
The Starship Grifters Universe
Out of the Soylent Planet
Starship Grifters
Aye, Robot
The Saga of the Iron Dragon
The Dream of the Iron Dragon
The Dawn of the Iron Dragon
The Voyage of the Iron Dragon
The Mercury Series
“Mercury Begins” (short story)
Mercury Falls
“Mercury Swings” (short story)
Mercury Rises
Mercury Rests
Mercury Revolts
Mercury Shrugs
The Land of Dis
Distopia
Disenchanted
Disillusioned
Other Books
The Big Sheep
The Last Iota
Schrödinger’s Gat
City of Sand
The Force is Middling in This One
Get email updates!
Want to be the first to know about new books I have coming out? Sign up for my mailing list! Don’t worry; you won’t be barraged with spam. I’ll just email when I have a new book out and for occasional other exciting news. And if you sign up now, I’ll send you the Robert Kroese Starter Library absolutely free. Sign up now!
The Wrath of Cons Page 18
