by Cora Kenborn
“Hi, I’m Penny, and I’ll be performing your ultrasound, ” she chirped, her obnoxious ponytail swinging with every syllable. With his face still flushed, Zep kissed the top of my head and smiled until she pulled out what could only be described as a giant dildo.
“What the hell is that?” Zep asked, his mouth dropping open in horror.
“This is the ultrasound wand,” Perky Penny explained, waving it in the air like a baton. “Ultrasonic waves bounce off the wand and the gel, showing us pictures of your baby.”
Zep’s eyebrows shot up as his eyes ping-ponged from Perky Penny to the infamous wand. “Gel? What gel?”
“This gel.” Pulling an elephant sized condom out of a box, she squirted what looked like radioactive gel inside it and shoved the giant dildo in, making Zep suck in a painful breath.
“Where does that go?” I whispered, scared of the answer.
Perky Penny just grinned and proceeded to squirt a shit ton of neon gel in her gloved hand and go to town, jerking off the giant dildo with gusto. Zep and I froze, completely horrified, and at that point, I truly didn’t think he’d mind if I hopped off the table and ran bare-assed down the hallway.
One more glop of goo and this bitch is hitting the road, Jack.
“Open wide,” she said, and instinctively, my mouth dropped open. Quirking her lips, she nodded at Zep and waved the dildo in the air, eventually pointing it toward my knee. “I’m impressed, but I meant down here.”
Zep’s hand appeared under my chin and slowly closed my mouth, never taking his eyes off the greased-up wand. Paper rustled as Perky Penny and her horse dick dildo disappeared underneath it, giving some bullshit warning that didn’t prepare me for what was coming.
“A little pressure.”
Pressure was a pinch of the skin—an uncomfortable weight on the shoulder. Pressure was not some plastic dinosaur dick rupturing my spleen.
“What the fuck?” My back bowed off the table as I screamed, and Zep transformed from a silent observer into a sideline labor coach in the blink of an eye.
“Breathe, bear down. You’ve got this…”
“Shut up!” I shouted, smacking him in the chest. “You’re not the dildo whisperer! And stop stealing my pregnancy books!”
Within seconds, Perky Penny wiggled the wand around, and the ultrasound screen came to life. I held my breath, still wondering what kind of specialized hell I’d tumbled into when she pressed a button and pointed to the screen.
“There,” she said, beaming. “There it is.”
“There’s what?” She could’ve pointed out a unicorn riding a dolphin for all I could see. Everything was black, white, and a shade of gray that reminded me of the old television Pappy used to watch while chugging his nightly six-pack.
“Right there.” Readjusting the knobs, she zoomed in on the screen and traced what looked like a tiny gummy bear wiggling on the screen.
I pushed up on my elbows as Zep’s voice dropped to a low rumble. “Is that…?”
“Your baby,” Perky Penny finished for him. Moving the cursor, she pointed out a flicker that looked like a tiny strobe light. “That flashing light is your baby’s heartbeat. Congratulations, guys, it looks like everything is measuring right on schedule.”
Heartbeat.
Suddenly, everything came crashing down all around me, the reality of the grainy screen ripping a hole in what little composure I had left. This was no longer a pink line or a horror story written in some manual. This wasn’t a mistake or a problem to be dealt with. This was my baby.
Our baby.
This was ten years of accepting motherhood wasn’t in the cards for me, and a lifetime of wrong choices.
I’d finally done something right.
Tears trickled down my cheeks, and Perky Penny dislodged the giant dildo, setting it aside. “I’ll give you two a few moments.”
As the door closed behind her, Zep and I said nothing, both of us mesmerized by the flicker on the screen. Eventually, a thick finger appeared under my eye and wiped away the stream of tears still falling. Gasping for air, I leaned into his touch as the same hand cupped my cheek, tilted my face up, and took my breath away.
Zep’s red-rimmed eyes were glassy and wet, pooling at the corners with barely restrained emotion. Holding tight to my cheek, he glanced quickly from my face to the screen and back again.
“I will marry you, Adelaide Dubois.”
52
Three Brides and a Baby
Savannah
New Orleans, Louisiana
“Why we go to fancy store to get fancy dress for backyard wedding?” Babs’ voice called from the front of Mama’s station wagon as we barreled down the highway.
Addie slid across the bench seat and leaned into my space. “I don't know how you thought this was going to be a good idea.”
I shot a nervous glance at the clock on the dashboard and felt my stomach sink into my shoes. Which was unfortunate because they were really cute shoes, and I had a distinct feeling I’d be decorating them with my lunch before we hit the city limits.
We were going to be so fucking late.
I swallowed down the bile rising up and leaned forward to shout in Babs’ good ear. “It was Pope’s mom’s idea. This place is supposed to be the best bridal boutique in the city.”
My feigned confidence must have fallen short because Addie quirked an unimpressed eyebrow at me. “And you just thought to yourself, ‘Hey, why don’t I bring my alcoholic grandmother?’ For Christ’s sake, Sav, we had to argue with her for almost an hour just to get her to leave her pet alligator at home.”
Of course, she was right. In fact, unless it had to do with the mental block she had when it came to dealing with her own relationship with Zep, my sister was always right. Adelaide Dubois always saw things clearly and rationally. She played every scenario ten steps ahead before making a decision. I did not. I’d always been impulsive—too impulsive. Sure, it lent for an adventurous and interesting life, but it also landed me in situations like the bathtub of bullshit I was about to cannonball into.
But maybe I’d be able to come out unscathed. I did have an ally on the other side. “It’s going to be fine. Kat is super down to earth, she won’t judge.”
A few weeks after the debacle at the Policeman’s Ball, Pope’s sister, Kat, had reached out. Apparently, Pope spilled the beans, and she wanted to personally congratulate me on handing her father his ass in front of some pretty damn important people. I instantly liked her.
We tried to hook up, but we hadn’t gotten the chance with her busy class schedule and the insane number of orders I had to fill after Pope’s mom, Jacquelyn, told her women’s club all about my hand-crafted luxury bath products. We’d instead been communicating through text messages and FaceTime, and she’d been a huge help in planning the wedding. When she’d heard I was having trouble finding a dress, she enlisted the help of her mother who insisted we all meet at the boutique where she was certain I’d find the perfect dress.
"And Jacquelyn?"
That was the problem. I didn’t know Pope’s mother very well other than the fact that she came from stupid money and Pope thought she was a saint. She’d been supportive when she found out about the engagement, but I had no idea how she’d react to my family.
Oh God, what if Babs says something offensive? That’s stupid, of course she’ll say something offensive. Holy shit, what if she pulls out her teeth and spits at Pope's mother’s feet?
I suddenly realized that getting everyone together was a terrible idea. Probably the worst in the history of all my bad decisions, and I had a lot of past offenses to choose from. I couldn’t breathe. My mouth opened like a guppy, but no matter how hard I tried, I couldn’t suck in any air. Bending at the waist, I shoved my head between my knees. It took a minute, but soon my lungs were filling with air again.
I felt a hand caress my back gently as if I were a wounded animal. “It’s going to be okay.”
“How, Addie?” I hissed, turning
my head in my lap to peek up at my sister. “I’m marrying a fucking senator’s son, and his mother is a woman whose family owns most of the state. This same woman is going to spend the day with our Betty Crocker mama and slightly homicidal lush of a grandmother in a shop with expensive white things!”
“All of those points are right. Now, we know Mama can behave herself, but Babs is a whole other story.”
I groaned as images of all the ways Babs could get us thrown out of the shop and onto the cobblestones streets of New Orleans danced across my mind’s eye.
This was going to be a clusterfuck of epic proportions.
A cheery voice came from my right as soon as we opened the door to the shop and piled in. “Welcome!” A woman in her mid-forties rounded the white lacquered desk to stand in front of us. She wore high-waisted cream slacks and a pale pink blouse that had more ruffles on it than Princess Di’s wedding dress. “You’re right on time. The rest of your party is already in the lounge.”
Making her way over to us, she beelined a path straight for Addie, and I knew what was about to happen before she opened her mouth. “I’m Susan, and you must be the bride, Savannah, right?”
I cleared my throat and stepped forward, flashing my left hand and just barely resisting the urge to give her a one finger salute. I hoped the hundred-year-old diamond blinded her. “Wrong. I’m Savannah. This is my sister, Adelaide.”
Her eyes bugged out of her head, and her hands fluttered around her, clearly uncomfortable with the fact that she just shit the bed on what could potentially be the biggest appointment of the year. “Oh, I’m so sorry. I didn’t see you.”
Smiling, I flipped my hair over my shoulder and put her out of her misery. “I’m sure, Susan. Can you take us back now?”
The woman visibly relaxed and motioned for the four of us to follow her. “Yes, of course, this way.”
I knew she saw one of the wealthiest families in the state marrying off their only son and honed in on Addie with dollar signs dancing in her eyes. Of course, she’d naturally assume my sister was the lucky girl. With her perfectly shiny hair, flawless skin, smart skirt, and pretty pink cardigan, she was exactly the type of woman Pope’s father envisioned for him. What Susan failed to realize was that behind the massive bag Addie carried in front of her like a shield hid an ever-growing baby bump.
To be honest, I was starting to worry about my sister’s well-being. Zep was a big guy, and from the looks of the basketball protruding from her middle, she was either going to end up pushing out twins or a toddler.
Susan led us through a set of gauzy white drapes and into a small lounge area. A raised dais took center stage with comfortable looking tufted couches all around and mirrors—so many mirrors. Jacquelyn and Kat rose from their perch on one of the couches as we entered the room.
“Savvy!” Kat called, rushing me and nearly bringing us both to the floor with a bone crushing hug. I hugged her back, letting my earlier annoyance slip away. I didn’t care what anyone else thought, Kat and Jacquelyn seemed more than happy to welcome me into their family.
Jacquelyn approached next, and I introduced everyone. “This is my mother, Marianne, my sister Adelaide, and my grandmother, Ekaterina, but everyone just calls her Babs. Everyone, this is Jacquelyn and Kat, Pope’s mother and sister.”
Mama reached out to shake Pope’s mother’s hand then just shook her head and pulled her in for a hug instead. “Hope you don’t mind, Jacquelyn, we’re huggers.”
Pope’s mother laughed, returning the embrace. “Not at all. We’re going to be family soon.” When they pulled away, it surprised me to see she wasn’t just humoring my mama. She looked genuinely pleased.
My momentary elation at this not becoming total dumpster fire was short lived when Babs approached, digging in her massive handbag.
Oh, no, no, no, no.
“I hear you have dickface for husband. I make you this,” she declared, taking Pope’s mother’s hand in hers and placing a small carved wooden doll in her palm. “I think I got jaw right. I used picture from the book of faces. He give you cheek? You use this, and you no tell him twice again.”
My eyes darted around, searching for anyone who could save me from what was quickly becoming my personal hell. I locked eyes with Mama, her neck and face a furious red from her blush. Addie just stood there, catching flies with her open mouth, and Kat was no help, barely containing her giggles.
“I am so—” I started, but stopped short when a miracle took shape right before my eyes.
Jacquelyn rolled her lips over her teeth, her eyes twinkling like Pope’s did when he was trying not to laugh at me. Suddenly, she threw her head back and let out the loudest laugh I’d ever heard. The blue-blooded woman in front of me even snorted for good measure. “Oh, I’m putting this to use right away. Thank you, Babs.” This time, it was Jacquelyn going in for the hug.
When they separated, and everyone finished with their hellos, Susan came back carrying a tray. “Champagne, anyone?”
Babs nearly knocked me over as she shoved in front of everyone, plucking two flutes from the tray. “I take Addie’s too since bitch bible say no good stuff when pickle in oven.”
Another snort came from behind, and I turned to see Jacquelyn shaking her head with huge smile spreading across her face. Clearly, she was enjoying our grandmother’s antics.
“When you filled out your questionnaire, you said you weren’t certain what style of dress you were looking for, so I’ve taken the liberty of pulling a few for you. They’re all different cuts and styles, so hopefully, it’ll help us narrow down what you like and what you don’t.”
I rocked back on my heels, not at all comfortable. Normally, I loved clothes and shopping, but everything was so pristine, I felt like my swampy roots were going to tarnish it somehow. “Sounds good.”
“Perfect. Everyone else can stay here, just follow me back, and we’ll bring you out with the first dress.”
I did as she instructed, feeling like I was being made into a show pony to be trotted out and judged.
This was going to be a long day.
The first dress was a god awful tornado of taffeta and Swarovski crystals, the second, a satin nightmare with embroidered flowers, and the third, fourth, and fifth were a dreadful combination of rouged, ruffled, and pleated garbage. Dresses six through twelve were more of the same.
Why are there so many ugly wedding dresses?
“I really just want something simple,” I said for what felt like the millionth time, and yet again, Susan didn’t get it.
“That lace mermaid fit was simple. Would you like to try that one on again?”
My eye started to twitch, my very last nerve wearing dangerously thin. As I opened my mouth to tell the woman where she could shove her lace monstrosity, Kat piped up.
“Clearly you don’t understand the meaning of the word simple. The thousands of crystals embedded in the bodice of that dress weighed over fifty pounds alone. Say it with me, Susan; crystals are the opposite of simple. You know what? We’ve been at this long enough. Sav, sit tight. Addie and I will go and find your dress. Susan, why don’t you clear out those hideous things from the dressing room, so we have space for actual contenders?”
Susan stood stunned, gaping at the college age woman who was ordering her around. Resigning herself to the fact that we were the client, and if she didn’t comply, she’d likely lose a hefty commission, she gave us a nod and turned to do Kat’s bidding.
Within ten minutes, Addie and Kat came back, hauling at least half a dozen dresses. “I’m pretty sure your sister found the dress, but we brought the rest just in case.”
Nervous excitement buzzed through me, and I glanced toward Addie for confirmation. She smiled and nodded her head while holding up the understated dress in her hands. “Come on, little sis, let’s finish this so we can eat. I’m starving.”
A few minutes later, I knew Kat was right. Addie had found the perfect dress.
This was the one. After the little
dressing room of horrors I’d experienced for the past two hours, the flowing chiffon felt like a dream against my skin. There were no frills, no sparkles or lace, just a half corset top stopping just below my breasts and a flowing skirt. It was perfect. The only thing left to do was get the seal of approval from the rest.
Stepping out of the dressing room I made my way to the raised dais directly in front of where Kat and Addie sat. “What do you think?” I asked shyly, hoping to God they loved it as much as I did.
Kat let out a wolf whistle as Addie’s lip started to tremble, her eyes filling with tears. “You look so beautiful.”
“Yeah? Then why are you crying?”
She shot a glare at me. “It’s these damn pregnancy hormones.”
Looking around the empty lounge, I realized we were missing some fairly important people. “Where’d Mama go?”
Shrugging, Kat stood up and scanned the room. “I don’t know. She must’ve wandered off with my mom and your grandmother.”
A feeling of dread blanketed me as I caught sight of the empty ice pail that once held a giant bottle of champagne. A quick search revealed Babs’ handbag was gone too, which meant trouble. At any given point, she had anywhere between two to twelve half-empty bottles of vodka in that thing.
“Shit, Addie…” I said with a warning in my tone.
She sat up straight, suddenly alert. “Oh God, how long have they been gone?”
I pinched the bridge of my nose, trying to recall the last time I saw them. “I have no idea. I remember they were here for the third dress, but after that, it’s a blur.”
“Fuck!” Addie growled. “They could be halfway to Miami by now.”
Kat snorted. “Yeah, okay.”
I shook my head. If she only knew. “Remind me to tell you about Christmas 1997 sometime. Right now, we need to find them.”
The three of us split up, searching the back storage room, storefront, and dressing rooms.
“Found them!” Addie shouted from the direction of the dressing rooms. I quickly abandoned my search under a huge princess-style hoop skirt and hauled ass to where I was sure to find the carnage of all my hopes and dreams.
