We linger until I force down the rock in my throat. “Anyway. We probably should get back before Mickey gets high on Windex.”
“He has before.” Bobby chuckles, lightening the moment.
“Oh, I know.” I rush to the register and we check out. All paid for, we silently return to his truck, not saying a word all the way home. I can’t stop thinking about his hand on mine.
Why did my body respond to him?
It’s just Bobby.
3
BOBBY
Bright red waves tumble out of her ponytail, fair skin of her forehead pressing against the window. Her eyelashes are long and without a touch of makeup, she’s breathtakingly gorgeous. Full lips and a small adorable nose. Everything I haven’t been able to stop thinking about.
I hoped that I could let go of my fantasies. But now that she’s beside me, I know that everything I’ve felt still burns deep inside.
She’s hurting. Her eyes are closed and her posture exhausted. I know what that feels like. It must be too much to be back in Suncastle. This pain is familiar, because it hasn’t let up–not for one second–for me either.
“How are you, really?” I keep my tone soft and gentle, knowing that she hasn’t replied when I’ve asked before.
She looks at me like she’s wondering what to say. “You know.” She shrugs, looking out the window again. “It’s hell.”
“In every way.” I’m doing all I can not to wrap her in my arms and hold her like I did the day of his funeral. My dream is to offer her escape to a beautiful, safe place where it doesn’t weigh so heavy. I know what it feels like for me, so I can’t imagine what it is for her. Cody was my best friend. Up until a year and a half ago, there wasn’t any part of my past without him in it. But he was her future. He promised her that when he never fucking should have.
I swallow the lump in my throat and focus on driving, deflecting the things I refuse to think about. Feeling a need to take care of her, I go five under the limit when I normally speed. I’ve never been able to make sense of the way I feel. She was always untouchable.
Is untouchable.
Only I touched her and I swear that she felt something.
I’ve daydreamed of touching her a million times, shoving it to the back of my head where it belongs. It’s too hard to cling onto some pipe dream.
But I felt too much.
I touched her, letting go faster than it takes to call a strike. There was so much connection in that moment that I’m already craving more.
No.
I shake my head. This isn’t a good idea. I can’t. I won’t do that to myself.
I won’t do that to Cody.
My eyes sting knowing what it’d do to him to see me and Lex together. He’d go fucking mad. I squint, halting my emotions right there. He would’ve thrown punches if he knew how I felt when he was alive.
In fact, he did.
A few times when I showed up for Lexie while Cody bailed on her. He always gave me shit for it. The worst time ended with my nose bloodied at senior prom. The last thing I need is his ghost coming after me. God, he would do it, too. Probably castrate me in my sleep for thinking about Lex as anything more than a friend.
Friend. That’s what she is. That’s what she’ll stay. Just like Mick, and Zac, and Briar.
The last time I saw her before she left, she cried in my arms. It felt right to have her there. But it’s all fallacious. I need to get a grip and a good lay to take my mind off this. I wish Sam was in town. Or Charli…I guess I could text Charli. We’ve gone out a few times over the summer. Nothing serious, but nice when it happens.
I feel sick to my stomach thinking about it. It was one thing to sleep around when it was just me. But now that Lexie is back? It’s making me want to try something with her when I know I can’t. Which means I do need to message Sam or Charli. Don’t let this take root.
Only, it already has.
I pull up at the beach house, and before I can say anything she hops out.
Hurrying to the backseat, I take all the bags. I’m here, she doesn’t need to be burdened. Looping each plastic handle through my arms, I leave her just the jug of detergent and an open hand. I gesture to the house. “So you can get the door?”
Lexie tilts her head to the side, a playful smile on her face. “You’re not the only one who works out, ya know.” She grips a bag from my hand and we play a game of tug of war until I win. Her hand brushes mine and she smiles. That personality of hers makes me dizzy.
Shit.
Her voice lingers in my mind. She’s so smart. So sweet. Oh how I’ve missed being around her. I wanna know everything she has to say.
I stare as she saunters away. Her body is toned and tall. Long legs in grey leggings and a cute shirt with billowy sleeves that flow in the gentle sea breeze. The round tight ball of her ass flexes with each step while my breath hangs in my lungs. What I feel about Lexie isn’t going to go away, is it?
Double shit.
It hasn’t even been two years since Cody died. But God, it feels like a lifetime. I follow, breathing in the deep scent of Lysol once I’m over the threshold. Eminem blares through the house and I almost trip on the full garbage can in the middle of the hall.
“Wow, this place looks amazin’!” Lexie sets the detergent on the counter, putting her hands on her hips.
Mick walks from the bathroom, throwing away a paper towel covered in gunk. He peaks inside one of the bags I set on the counter. “Quickies? On the other side of town? No wonder it took so long.”
I sneer. The real reason I took her to Quickie’s–the worst grocery store in the area–is because I wanted to avoid Oak Street. I drive twenty minutes out of the way to avoid it. That road gets me. Memories of the accident attack me every time I drive on it. The road is nothing more than a grief trap for me. It would demolish her.
“One day we will have to move on,” the preacher said at Cody’s funeral. But I don’t know that we will. If that truck driver could’ve seen him. If he could’ve been paying more attention. If I’d talked to him for two more seconds so the universe didn’t align for his demise.
If.
If.
If.
The worst word leaving everything open. I can’t handle the ifs.
If I would’ve driven him home.
Shit, that if hurts me the worst. He shouldn’t have been alone and I knew it. If I would’ve had him stay over, or called Lexie to come get him, or put him in my truck. If there hadn’t been a rain storm. If he hadn’t been such a mess when he left my place. If I would’ve listened to my gut to not let him go. If he wouldn’t have told me every fucking thing that I wasn’t ready to hear.
My heart aches, wishing I never had to bear his secret. Wishing he never had one so hard to keep.
“Lexie, go get ready. We’re goin’ out to Garrison’s tonight.” Mick brings me back to earth and away from the void of ifs.
“No.” She puts her fingers to her mouth, dancing them over her lips like she’s playing out a beat, her little quirk that drives me wild.
I plant my feet to keep from getting closer to her.
“It’s your first night back in South Carolina,” Mick pouts. “We’re goin’ and that’s final, young lady.” He shakes his finger at her like he’s her mom. God, he’s ridiculous.
“I have a lot of laundry to do. My sheets are all dusty from sittin’ here so long.” She heads to the stairs.
“We’re goin’!” Mick calls.
“If she doesn’t wanna go, she doesn’t wanna go.” I plop my spinach on a shelf in her fridge next to the Peanut M&Ms. Mick won’t like what I’m saying, but I’m standing up for her and he can shove it.
“They taste better cold.” Cody tosses back a mouthful of M&Ms and chomps in a way that implies everything besides good manners.
Lex’s laugh lights up. “Stop it, baby. You’ll choke.” She puts her hand on his chest and grabs the bag away. “Slow down, slugger.”
“The hell are you tal
kin’ about? We’re goin’ to get her good and wasted. It’s karaoke night and you saw how stressed she is. Needs to take her mind off everythin’.” Mick’s voice is raised. His temper is the shortest fuse I’ve ever seen.
“I mean, she drove all day to get here. Tennessee’s what, eight hours away? She might want pizza and a movie or somethin’.”
“Bobby’s right. I do, actually.” Lex leans on the doorway. Her hair is pulled out of its ponytail, gorgeous bright red waves falling below her chest. She’s got a laundry basket at her hips, tats peaking out from under her shirt sleeve.
“Order us some pineapple deep dish from The Splat. Oh, or that chicken bacon ranch one, whatever it’s called. Hannibal? Cannibal? I don’t remember.” She does that adorable head shake, and goodness, I can’t breathe.
Friends, just friends.
“But we’ll have to go to your place. I still don’t have internet set up.” She frowns.
“You got it.” I pull out my phone.
“No, no, no. We’re goin’ to Garrison’s.” Mick stands between me and Lex, close enough that my chin knicks the fabric covered button at the top of his baseball cap. “I just cleaned up the whole beach house. You haven’t been here in a year and a half. I’m takin’ you out proper like.”
“We’ll do whatever the fuck she wants.” My tone is rude, but I’m fighting for this one. Mick will deal with it. He has to. I clear my throat, because apparently I can’t talk anymore, and press my lips in a line. “Garrison’s will be open next weekend, when Lex has had a chance to settle in.”
“You’re a sweetheart, Bobby.” Lex walks down the hall toward the laundry room, not giving a fuck about Mick’s opinion. His surprised face makes me chuckle. He slams his shoulder into mine, annoyed. I push him back.
“I have to work next weekend.” He’s so pissed at me.
“Then we’ll go the weekend after that.” I shrug.
“Right after classes start?”
“We are taking care of her.” I raise my eyebrows, my voice soft so that Lex doesn’t blush. She’s not a project or anything. I just want to support her, especially on her first day back. “This is about what she needs.”
“Since when did you become an expert on Lexie?” Jealousy laces his tone. He gets all weird about Lex. Like because he’s known her the longest he has some claim on her. You don’t own her, and you never will.
Cody constantly told me about how her parents would put her in a box and she would just break free like the phoenix she is. No one controls her. I won’t let Mick pretend he can.
“I’m not an expert on Lexie, but I fuckin’ know what she’s goin’ through. A night out is not gonna help.” My eyes catch a glimpse of her hair as she leans into the hallway to pick up a dropped pillowcase. Every part of my body responds. I lick my teeth, annoyed with myself. She’s here for an hour and already it’s like when we were fifteen and I was playing spin the bottle, wishing it would land on her just so I could taste those lips. My mind wanders to my hand on hers. The heat of her skin beneath mine. The way she laughs. The thoughtful things she says.
My cock throbs against my jeans. Fuck. This has to stop. It has to. I focus on anything that isn’t her. Pulling at my brain, I hope for anything else to think about. My grocery list–nope, was just at the store with Lex. My calendar–yes. There we go. Tiny Knights Training Camp. God, I love those kids, even if it is just a community building thing to make the university look good. “You goin’ to be at Tiny Knights Training Camp tomorrow?”
Mick rolls his eyes. “In my abundant spare time.”
“Whatever.” My eyes go to the laundry soap sitting on her counter. I grab it and find her in the laundry room. “You’re gonna need this.”
“Thank you.”
I can’t tell if she’s talking about the laundry soap or that I told off Mick, but I don’t care. I’m so close her shampoo scent fills my senses as I fumble with the measuring cup, pouring detergent into her machine.
“I’m glad you’re back.” I suck in a harsh breath, at war with myself. She doesn’t need this. Doesn’t need me flirting with her, talking with her, helping her.
What does she need?
I retreat back into the hallway before she has a chance to respond. Stepping out the front door, in the ruse of calling the pizza place, I sit on the concrete step hoping to gather some semblance of control.
Raking hands through my hair, my Yankee’s cap falls behind my head. Goddammit. I can’t handle all this. It’s not supposed to be me here, it’s supposed to be him. Just like old times. But I know the truth. The real, honest truth. No, no, no. We are not gonna go there. I'm not gonna think about that.
My eyes burn as I focus on my breath. Clearing my head, I imagine a baseball. The way it feels in my hand. The weight. The seams against my fingers. The smell of the field. I let out a long breath. Find my center. Find my control.
Get a fucking grip.
I pull out my phone to order the pizza and those cheese sticks she likes. My feet tap against the sidewalk, so much nervous energy running through me without any place to go.
“My birthday girl gets whatever she wants!” Cody’s standing on a chair at The Splat, announcing to the whole restaurant that it’s her birthday.
“Cody, get down.” Lexie pulls at his hand.
“Not yet, baby doll.” He looks around. “Get my girl some more cheese sticks!” He waves down a waitress, then leads everyone in singing “Happy Birthday” until Lexie’s face is the color of her hair.
My eyes are hotter than the sidewalk. Because every moment with him was like that. Spectacular. Larger than life. Until the brightest star among us was snuffed out too soon.
Fuck, Cody. Why’d you go and die like that?
A car stops in front of the beach house. Claudia gets out and waves goodbye to whoever’s driving. Fuck. My teeth clench, wishing to God that it wasn’t her materializing in front of me. As if this evening wasn’t complicated enough.
I care about Claudia, I do. We’ve talked enough that I know she’s been used a ton. Life has not dealt her a kind hand. She’s got PTSD because her dad was shit. Now, she uses sex as a way to cope. It’s not healthy.
Like I have room to talk.
I don’t.
She’s wearing a cute outfit, short jean skirt and a lace tank top. Long brown waves reach her mid back. Her perfume surrounds me the closer she gets, burning my nostrils like the Lysol did a moment ago.
Her eyes meet mine. “Didn’t know you were here.”
Fuck. Fuckity, fuckity, fuck. And I have fucked her, twice in the same night. Shouldn’t have. Not even the first time. She’s had eyes on Mick for a while and there’s probably more history there than I’m aware of. That night when I brought her back to my truck is one I wish I could rewrite. We were both drunk. She was going through hell. Asked me to take it all away. So I did. I hate to think that I added to the list of people who used her. But I’m not feeling anything more between us. Especially since Mick wants to be with her.
“What are you doin’ here?” I don’t fake a smile. I’ve told her we’re done and yet she still texts several times a week asking to do stuff. Or she slyly shows up places where she knows I’ll be.
“Just stopping by, Bobby.” She puts so much sweetness into my name it’s like she’s talking about syrup. Go back to iHop babycakes. I ain’t serving you a damn thing.
“Why?”
“Mickey told me to come over.”
I pull my hair, looking over my shoulder to make sure he’s not leering behind me. “He’s inside.”
“Come with me.” She makes it sound sexy. Why? Why Claudia? Why? You want another one night stand with me? No. Just go figure things out with Mick.
“I’m good.” I’m not good. I’m never good when she’s around. I feel like I’m navigating a mine-field, waiting for the one miss-step that ends up with me flat on my back and a huge mess to clean up. Jeez. I don’t need this. Not on top of everything else.
“Oka
y then.” She clicks her tongue, strutting by me in her boots. My empty stomach roils. I wait for a bit on the porch. When I do go inside, I want to make sure she knows it has nothing to do with her.
I sigh, walking into the beach house.
Mick sits on the countertop with Claudia and they’re giggling about some shit.
The laundry machines thrash against the wall. Can’t see Lexie. My feet go up the stairs, to their bedroom. It will never be hers. This was theirs.
The windows are open, and the room is clean. My heart pounds in my chest seeing Cody’s bedside table. His cap. His wallet and keys. His Bible and spiral-bound notebook he always used as a journal.
Lexie sits on the mattress cover, hunched over, shoulders shaking. Her hand is a fist against her nose and mouth, cheeks red and wet. Sniffles register in my ear.
Oh, God, she’s crying.
I ease backward, but the wood creaks beneath my Chuck Taylor’s.
“Oh,” she gasps, wiping tears away like they are poisonous. “Sorry, Bobby. I didn’t see you.” The next wave hits. She cries into her hands.
Part of me wants to get outta here. Leave her alone to mourn. Afraid I’ll do something stupid.
Swallowing hard, I observe her, my pain inside intensifying as she cries. How can I leave her now? How, when I know how bad this hurts? How, when I’ve felt so alone? Grief is worse when there’s no one to feel it with. Energy pulls me to her like a magnet. I sit next to her on the bed and before I know it, I’m scooping her into a hug. “It’s so hard,” I whisper, my own grief coming up.
One hand brings her head against my chest while the other strokes down the length of her hair. Her body shakes against mine. I hold her tighter, gripping for dear life.
For Cody’s life.
“I know.” My throat is scalding, the air so heavy I don’t think I can breathe. I hurt for her. I hurt with her.
I wish I could take it all away.
She pulls back, an embarrassed, forced smile on her face. I put space between us, swallowing the baseball in my throat. Her hands wipe away more tears. I have to look elsewhere because I can’t keep my eyes on her.
A Game Like Ours: Suncastle College Book One Page 3
