“See ya, Bryce. Good luck this weekend!”
Right after the track team disperses, the soccer team arrives. We’re running low on ice. A freshman stands here looking like we’ve been invaded by vampires, waiting to suck all the blood out of her neck.
“You know where Tony’s room is?” I ask her.
“No.” Of course she doesn’t. It’s preseason and this girl is as new as any fresh-born. It’s what we call all the wide-eyed, innocent freshmen. Like little newborn babies, caught up in the real world for the first time.
“I’ll take her.” Jae ties off another wrap, then endearingly shows the new girl the ropes. He’s joking around with her, trying to make her feel comfortable with a bright smile on his face. It really is a family here. This program is everything I’ve missed about Suncastle College. Athletic training isn’t art school, but it’s a worthy second choice. I do love the environment and the people. Being here brings an unexpected familiar comfort.
It’s good to be home.
We finish the rush, athletes dispersing and going back to what they need to do next. I head into the office. Jae takes it upon himself to show the freshman around the athletic building, so I guess I am doing this alone after all.
Deep breaths.
My heart pounds in my chest while I remind myself I can do this.
Mindy is at her computer and doesn’t look up when I approach. She’s busy because she would’ve helped with the rush if she wasn’t. Good thing Jae and I happened to show up.
No athletic trainer is too good to make an ice bag.
I swallow my judgement because I know that’s not being fair. Mindy isn’t above anyone, she just has a lot on her plate. Baseball means the world to this school and this town. It means the world to the thousands of people that watch the boys play on television.
“Oh, hey Lexie.” She looks up from her work with a smile, and I start to relax.
“I’m back if you need me.”
“Don’t yet.” Her coffee cup tips the last sip into her mouth, and she sets it on the desk.
“Can I get you another coffee?”
“Oh, no. You’re not my ball-boy, Hawthorne. Not anymore.” She winks and I remember being new here and trying to prove myself by going above and beyond. Mindy loved to tease me that I was acting like a ball-boy when I didn’t need to. It’s sweet she remembers.
This is going better than I hoped, but it still feels like something is off. Back before Cody died, she would have jumped up and given me a hug when I walked into her office. Even though she’s joking around, it’s like she doesn’t want to see me. I hope by the end of working baseball together, I can convince her to change her mind.
A couple email notifications ding on her computer screen and she clicks the first message. “It’s kinda crazy right now, but I do want to catch up soon, okay?”
The look on her face tells me we’re done talking, and I don’t push. I want to ask her what day practices start or have a few minutes of small talk, but I won’t. She doesn’t look up when I walk through the offices to get to the other side, and I am relieved that this wasn’t more confrontational.
Stepping into the hallway of the athletic building, my chest burns.
“You ready to go, babe? Cody stands in the doorway, like he always does. He’s planned his schedule around my training room shifts so he can walk me to my car every day. It’s such a small thing, but man it means the world to me.
I wrap my arms around him. “Guess who got to tape her first athlete’s ankle for practice today? As a freshman, when most of the athletic trainin’ students aren’t allowed to touch them until they pass all the taping labs.” I tilt my chin up to see his reaction.
“I told you that you could do it.” He kisses me long and slow. “You’ve got the best taping skills of all the freshmen combined.”
Taking his hand in mine, I lead us out of the building. “Guess I need to thank my boyfriend for all those hours of lettin’ me practice on him.”
“Your boyfriend, huh? Dang, I was wishin’ I could have a shot with you.” He winks.
I stop, looking at his shining eyes and plant a kiss on his lips. I wiggle my nose around his. “You have all the shots, honey. You always will.”
I swallow the lump in my throat. Cody’s not here in this hallway waiting for me. He will never walk me back to my car or give me a kiss. Loneliness encapsulates every inch of my skin. I feel empty inside.
Or maybe all I feel is dead.
7
BOBBY
My bed is made. Pizza is in the fridge. Lexie isn’t here.
I’ll bring her the pizza.
What part of putting distance between us includes seeing her two days in a row, hm? I don’t know. But I also don’t know if she wants to stay here tonight. The crick in my neck, from sleeping on the couch, screams I shouldn’t offer. But I’ll let her move in today if it means easing a morsel of her pain.
I drive to her beach house, thankful that Mick returned my truck in fine working condition. He and Claudia were out all night. I think I heard them slink in around four a.m. I should’ve slept on his bed until he got back.
In front of her house is a Merry Maid’s van. Lexie’s car isn’t in the driveway. Her mom must’ve hired the cleaner. I get my phone out.
Me: Coming home soon?
Thinking about Lexie has me feeling lighter than I have in a while. I’ve always felt this way around her. I feel lucky she’s back in town and I can just stop by. She’s such a caring human being.
One day we lost a game and I was feeling like shit. She knew just what to say to make me feel better.
I’m still fuming while I drive us to Shakey’s. Our group of friends all meet up here after every game.
“I’m gonna go check in with Mama.” Cody leans down to kiss Lexie. “I’ll be back in a few.” He leaves us at our booth in the back corner so he can go see his mom in the kitchen.
“Shit, that game sucked.” I collapse into the bench across from her.
“You’ll get them next time, I know it.” She smiles.
“No, I shoulda played better.” I tilt my head down, my frown glued to my face.
“Shoulda played better? Are you kiddin’?” She gives me an incredulous look. “Bobby, you had three base hits and caught two outs. It wasn’t you that needed to play better.” She’s not making a joke or hurting me worse like some people might. No, not Lexie. She’s both honest and caring. A smile pulls at the corner of my lips. Just like that, she diffused my pain, like when I put ice on my sore shoulder.
Jeez, I hate that Cody’s with her and not me.
I stare at the screen knowing full well that she won’t reply. She couldn’t return any of my messages over the last several months. I’m sure as hell she won’t reply today. But the screen lights up. I reread three times to make sure it’s real.
Lexie: Yep.
My heart smiles. That link between us tightens around me. False hope blooms in my chest. I need to tell her how much she means to me.
No.
That’s literally the worst thing I could do. Get a fuckin’ grip, man.
On her ass. Her boobs. Her body dripping wet, coming all over my face.
No. No. No!
Good Lord, is this really going through my mind right now?
Pursuing Lexie is a dark road I won’t go down. Cody would never forgive me. I would never forgive myself. If it was meant to be, we would’ve dated a long time ago. Only I don’t believe that rational thought one bit. I wanna be with her. For real. Give us a chance. I can’t think of anything I want more.
She pulls into the driveway and fumbles into the backseat to get a bunch of text books.
I drown.
Short jean shorts and a white tank top with a gray bralette peeking out. On her left arm is a large tattoo of a spiraling snake coiling around succulents from her mid bicep toward her elbow. When she bends over I see the bottom of her butt cheeks, toned and delicious.
I bite my finger while heat rolls through
me. Damn, she’s so gorgeous and doesn’t even know it. A sloppy bun sits on the top of her head. Bright red, sweeping bangs flutter over her green eyes.
I stand outside my car looking like a pizza delivery boy with the boxes balanced in one hand.
“Oh.” She gasps.
“Didn’t mean to sneak up on you.”
“Oh, no, you didn’t. I thought you were comin’ later.”
“I can circle the block.”
She busts up laughing. Shit, I’ve missed her laughing at my jokes. She does that little finger over her mouth thing. “No.” She plays stern with a scolding look, then laughs at herself. “No, come on inside.”
Yes, please.
My mouth waters. I swallow it down, trying to block the desire rushing from head to toe. If grief is riding rapids, loving Lexie is sending me down Niagra Falls.
I need to be inside of her. Beach house. I need to be inside of her beach house. Because that is the closest I’m gonna get.
Friends. Just. Friends.
Cody’s pictures assault me as punishment for my filthy thoughts. His large crucifix hangs right by the door. Jesus, save me now.
As much as it pains me, it’s good to see Cody’s face. Our friend Trish loves photography, so she took lots of photos. I count ten pictures hanging on the walls. Engagement photos from the same weekend he popped the question. I purse my lips, not knowing if it’s better to look or pretend he isn’t there. It hurts both ways. There’s a ton of old photos that I keep in a box at my parents’ place. Trying to leave the past in the past since it already follows me around everywhere.
I put the pizza in her fridge, seeing all the stuff I took her to get at Quickies.
“You left the M&Ms.” She sits that perfect ass against the countertop.
“They were for you,” I stammer, searching the kitchen for something to focus on that isn’t her.
“You bought me M&Ms?” She raises her eyebrows.
“Yeah.” I stay behind the island, trying not to look at her adorable body. Does she know what she does to me? I’m going fucking insane. Would she like it if she knew? Can I ask her that?
No. No. No….
She’ll always be Cody’s girl. If I said that, she’d never want to see me again.
“You didn’t need to buy me M&Ms.”
“It’s not about need.” Only, it is. It’s about how much I need her.
You’d be so mad, wouldn’t you, Cody?
If the roles were reversed, what would I want? If I’d been the one to date her. The one to die. And this was Cody in our kitchen. Would I want her to be alone? Would I want her hurting? Would I mind if he looked at her like this?
I need some air. I turn on her sink and run cold water over my hands, sudsing up with some vanilla hand soap.
“We’re all finished.” The Merry Maid smiles at Lexie.
“Thank you so much.” She hops off the counter and I let out the breath I’ve been holding for far too long. I follow the maids out the door. They continue while I stop. It’s like my shoes stick to wet cement on her front step. I’m melting into the floor, unable to move.
“Lex?” My body is near her, heart surging. I know what it wants. If only I could let myself ask her.
No. No. No.
“Yeah, Bobby?” Her breath is warm against my neck because I’m standing so goddamn close to her. It’s like personal space doesn’t exist. She looks up at me with the most tender expression. I thought I was drowning before. Fuck me now.
“Did you...well do you wanna stay at my place tonight?” I can’t read her response and don’t know what to make of that. Usually I can. Her eyes are cloudy. I don’t know if that’s from emotion or being tired. I think she’s considering my offer, but I can’t tell. This is confusion in every way, shape and form.
“I dunno.” She finally says. “Hey, you brought over a lot of pizza. Is it cheat day yet? Maybe you wanna come eat some?”
I smile. “Yeah.” Only I oughta say no. Being around her is so intoxicating. I can’t breathe. My mouth is like a desert. Forget control. I’ve already lost it.
We go to the kitchen. She puts a few slices of pizza on a cookie sheet. “I think Mindy hates me.”
“What?” I lean against the countertop. “No, I’m sure she doesn’t hate you. I don’t think Mindy hates anyone. Least of all you.”
“Oh, she does. I saw her today.” She grabs the M&Ms, going to the couch. Her legs cross under her so she sits on her feet. I sit beside her and her knee brushes mine. Tingles go from my knee up to my hip and into my groin.
No.
No.
No!
My breath stops in my lungs. I’m a million degrees. Usually, I’m freezing cold.
“You alright?”
“Yeah, I’m fine.” I search her eyes for any bit of what I’m feeling. The longing that devours me more the longer I’m with her. All these years I’ve held back. But today, it’s like a volcano of feelings erupts, releasing a love I can’t withhold.
Maybe I’m an idiot. She doesn’t want me. Doesn’t feel this. What’s that thing people say? Blind in love? Well I’m outta my mind, whatever’s happening.
She pops some M&Ms into her mouth, offering the bag to me. “I forgot how good these are.”
I eat a blue one and a green one.
“I got internet again.” She clicks on the TV.
“Oh, good.”
“Just Netflix, though. Debating on gettin’ some channels.” She and Cody used to host big baseball watch parties with every ESPN variety coming through their flatscreen. Didn’t matter who was playing. We all got together. Half the team and all their girls crowding around the TV with all kinds of food and beer.
We watch an episode of Arrested Development. I’ve never seen it, but apparently she’s binged the show four times. It’s funny and we laugh, but really all I’m thinking about is how to calm my pounding heart. The show has no hope for distracting me.
“Why didn’t you leave a note?” She clicks the TV off.
“Hm?” My eyebrows wrinkle.
“It’s not common for me to wake up in some guy’s apartment all alone and not know how to lock up or anythin’.”
“I hope I’m not just some guy to you, Lex.” The words come out before I think them through. My voice is deep, heavy. So much feeling escaping–that fucking valcano again–while I basically put my whole damn heart on my sleeve.
What’s wrong with me?
Her face is in shock. Dammit. Not what I was hoping for. I imagine her leaning toward me, those lips so close I can taste the peanut M&M on them.
“I didn’t mean it like that.” Her words zing me out of my fantasy.
“What did you mean?” Anger sizzles the way her touch did moments ago. I grit my teeth reaching for some level of calm. I have none. I'm not just some fucking guy. I want to be so much more than that. “Forget it.” In autopilot, I do the only thing that makes sense right now. If anything makes sense.
I’m almost to the door when she comes up in front of me, stopping my exit. This must be what she was feeling last night. I rake my hands through my hair.
“What the fuck, Bobby?” She’s looking from my eyes to my shirt to my eyes again. This moment is intense. But not in the way I want us to be intense.
“I don’t know. I just–” I rake my fingers through my hair again, pulling strands until my scalp aches. “I don’t know what to do here.”
“What do you wanna do here?” Her face mesmerizes me. I’m at a loss.
Wishing to have any hint–any clue–that it’s not just me that feels, I stare into those green eyes and notice the hazel accents as if she painted them herself. My heart thunders in my chest, wanting to confess but knowing I shouldn’t.
“This isn’t about Cody, is it?”
“God, no,” I huff. But maybe it is. Everything is. Every fucking second of the day is wrapped around him and what he left behind. I’ll never outrun it, even if I was the fastest player on the team.
&n
bsp; She licks her lips. Hands go to her hips. Feet away from me. Looking up to keep eye contact. “Because you’re acting fuckin’ nuts.”
I am.
“Tell me what’s going through that head of yours so I can stop guessin’. It is about Cody, isn’t it?”
“Yes. Maybe. I don’t know.” Am I really being vulnerable with her right now? This is all she’ll get out of me. I’m here for her. Not the other way around.
“If you need to go, you can go.” She moves away from the door. “The last thing I want is for you to feel trapped.” For a moment we hold each other’s eyes. “But, I’d like you to stay.”
“I don’t feel trapped.” I relax. My insides reach for her. Wanting to grasp her. I melt into these hazel-green eyes. Wanting to hold her. To have her. To love her. “And I’d like to stay.”
8
LEXIE
I’m pretty sure Bobby has something he needs to say but can’t figure out how. So much pain radiates from him, and seeing this brings up something inside of me that I can’t identify. There is more here, between us.
Is this new?
The thought punches me in the gut as I look at the past through a different lens. I’m such an idiot; he clearly has feelings for me. That little moment proved what I was wondering about last night.
I’m dancing around so many thoughts as I pull the cookie sheet out of the oven and set it on the island, nervous energy keeping me moving. There’s enough food to feed me all week still left in the boxes. He bought them for me even though he didn’t need to. Southern gentleman buying me dinner–buying me M&Ms–letting me sleep in his bed, claiming he doesn’t want to be just some guy. I sigh, feeling naive for missing every one of the hints he’s dropping.
Fuck, he likes me.
I don’t know what just happened, but I don’t want to drive him away, which makes me wonder what is going on inside of me.
A framed picture of Cody and me catches my eye.
“We’ll always be us, right?” Cody brushes hair out of my face, smiling on the beach.
A Game Like Ours: Suncastle College Book One Page 6
