He needs to know why I kept in touch with Mickey.
I squint against the running heater, wishing I knew how to say this. It’s not something I’ve told anyone besides my sister and Cody, but I want Bobby to know. No secrets from me, and no secrets from him, this is the way it needs to be. I want him to know everything I have to tell, every bit of my story. Even my scarlet letter, my dirty little secret, my mark of shame. This is a new feeling, because I’ve never wanted anyone to know.
“Mickey’s my brother.” It’s barely a whisper, so hard to convince my throat to utter that much. I shiver at the memory of my mother’s threats, but I don’t have to listen to her. I never should have.
“Yeah, he’s like a brother to everybody.”
“No. He’s really my brother.”
Bobby pulls away, eyebrows wrinkled and confusion written all over his face. “Your brother?”
“Well, half-brother, but yes.” I shake my head, hearing the pain in my voice. “Secrets have always bothered me, but we found out in a horrible way and thought it best not to broadcast. My mom slept with his dad and I was conceived.” My teeth start chattering because I know I’m not supposed to speak that out loud. And I never have, besides when I told Charlene and Cody. “Mickey and I decided a long time ago that this wasn’t something we wanted out on display. Between our chat and my mother’s wrath, I’ve kept it tight.”
“You’re not kiddin’.” His eyes look for something and I push farther away.
“I wouldn’t kid about this, although I wish it were a joke.” I open up his cabinet, not sure why I haven’t stocked it with hard liquor for moments like this.
“Jeez, Lex. I dunno what to say.” He leans against the counter, hands shoved in his pockets, the food prep forgotten.
I pull out a coke and pop the bottle cap, turning off the stove so nothing will burn. “Can we sit on the porch?”
“Yeah.” We walk through the living room to his glorified slab of concrete with two beach chairs.
“What was that like for you?” His tone is caring, but there’s no hiding that he’s completely in shock. I was too, when I first heard.
“It’s been really awful comin’ to terms that Dad isn’t my dad, ya know? Mr. Hawthorne and I aren’t really related at all. Because Mom kept this secret, I’ve never even talked to him about this.”
Bobby scoots closer, our knees brushing. “Have you thought about talkin’ to him?”
“Not really. I mean, if I was him, I wouldn’t want to talk about it. So awkward knowing the truth while we parade around town like this perfect happy family.” I stare at the cobwebs in the ceiling. “I didn’t really feel accepted growin’ up. Like I didn’t quite fit. Never knew why. Maybe it was my art. Maybe it was that I never really connected with my parents like I thought most kids probably did.”
“Cody told me a few times that your parents weren’t the accepting type.”
“That’s for damn sure.”
“How’d you find out?” His tone is cautious, and I appreciate the concern that he shows. “You don’t have to tell me anythin’.” He grips his kneecaps, like he wishes he hadn’t asked. “But I’m here, ya know, if you wanna talk.”
My lips pull into a smile, reminding me how caring he is. How he won’t overstep but wants to be supportive.
“My mom wishes we hadn’t found out.” I sigh, that pain in my chest that comes when I think about her, showing its ugly face. To her, I’m just a walking reminder of her infidelity…her drunk mistake. “Mickey and I hung out a lot, and she never liked it. Meanwhile, she didn’t care if Cody and you and Trish came over. It was so weird.”
“I remember her bein’ awkward with him.”
“Right? As much as she loves appearances, she sucked at keepin’ this to herself. It’s clear as day if you look.”
“God, that’s not cool of your mom.”
“I know.” I close my eyes, so upset with her for so many things. She has never tried to smooth any of this over with me or Mickey, and it makes me sick when I think about it.
“Was she like that with you, too?” He takes my hand, his face reflecting the sympathy he’s giving me.
“I mean, she’s my mom. But she’s always held back from lovin’ me. There are a million reasons we don’t get along, but this is surely the biggest one. Mickey never had a mom, and she coulda been at least civil to him.”
“Yeah, you two didn’t deserve any of that.”
“When Mickey’s dad went to jail we were goin’ through some old stuff at his place. There was a picture of his dad holdin’ a baby in my pink blanket at a hospital. At first I thought it was just a popular blanket, but then I remembered that Granna had sewn it special.” I stop talking because I don’t know how to say any of this. “It looked like my baby pictures. Same hospital room. Same picture hanging on the wall behind the chair.” I shake my head. “I’ve had that blanket forever. It’s still in my closet.” My eyes burn as I look at Bobby’s. He’s quiet, waiting for more of the story.
“Mickey was really confused and so was I. We took the picture back to my place and pulled out my baby book. It was the same goddamn blanket, same goddamn room. Same goddamn baby. We figured out that I must not really be who I thought I was. That our family didn’t have any reason for me to be with his dad at the hospital, unless–” I swallow, rubbing at my throbbing throat like the words are trapped there and don’t want to come out.
“Unless your dad was Mr. Checketts.” Bobby holds my eyes, giving me strength to go on.
“As fate would have it, Mom walked in on us lookin’ at everythin’. She blew up in rage.” As hard as it was to say all of that, this is worse, the memory that burns me to my core. “I hate how she treated us. Her response was so volatile. You wouldn’t believe the way she acted.” My jaw just sits here and shakes like I have all this pent up adrenaline and it’s only escape is through my teeth, so many unfortunate memories playing in my mind.
Bobby stands from his chair, closing the space between us. He scoops me up and holds me close, his hand cradling my head to his chest, smoothing my hair while I take long, deep breaths.
“Shit, Lex, that’s so much.” He rubs my scalp.
“I’ve never fit, Bobby. Like I don’t belong in this world. Just some mistake my mom made one night.” Tears sting at my eyes, and he holds me tighter.
“You’re not a mistake.” His voice is sure, warm lips pressing into mine. Fingers pull at the curls of my bright red hair. “Every bit of you is unique and wonderful. The fact that your mom can’t see that just means she is fuckin’ blind.” His lips take mine in a radiating comfort emanating from his body to my soul. I drink in every sensation, wondering if this may be what love really feels like. I thought I had it with Cody, but this is more, this is deeper. Is it real?
Whatever it is, I hope to God and Jesus and the Universe that it never fades away.
21
BOBBY
“So you and Lexie, huh?” Mindy and I talk privately in her office.
“Somehow, I haven’t managed to scare her off yet.” I shake my head. Still just amazed we’re together at all.
“You feelin’ any better?” Mindy texted me to come. I know it’s to check in on the eating disorder shit. Most of the athletes have the afternoon off to get ready for the Christmas Gala tonight.
“Some.” I really appreciate that she doesn’t bring this up with my buddies around. I mean, gotta keep privacy and all that anyway, but I do appreciate that she is so professional. It’s not like a strained wrist or something. It’s hard enough she knows. It’d be worse if all of them did, too. Briar would become a fucking mother hen or some shit.
She takes my blood pressure and jots it down in my file.
“Did you make the appointment with Dr. Rogers?” Mindy’s smile is kind.
“He’s been out of town.” I’m glad I told her. God knows I needed someone I could trust to get me through this. “His first available appointment is next week. Right before we go home
for the break.”
“Proud of you,” she smiles, and it’s sincere, like she’s my mom or something. If only my mom could actually be there for me now.
“I wanna get better.” I look at the floor because I can’t handle looking at her face. So much shame fills me. I shouldn’t starve myself. I shouldn’t make myself heave. I know that with my logical mind, but I do it anyway. Because stuff like this isn’t in my logical mind. It’s in the sick part that can’t figure out what to do, except keep hurting.
“How’s this week been? Any better?”
“Yeah, I mean, besides finals.” I huff. “Think they went alright, but this week would be a doozy even in a perfect situation.”
“Dr. Brown wants to see you again after break. He suggests weekly checkups. Make sure you’re well enough to play.”
My heart drops to my stomach. I know I’m still down from ideal. Because “doing better” is only eating enough to survive. Not enough to take care of myself. Not with all the workouts. The little I’m eating isn’t enough. I have to do better than “better.”
I sink in disappointment with myself.
“Does Lex know about this?”
“God, no.” My voice is a painful whisper. My airway cuts off as I think about telling her. We just started dancing into a relationship. An eating disorder is too heavy to plop in her lap. “Not yet.”
“Maybe she could help, ya know?” Mindy puts her hand on my shoulder. “You don’t want to tell Coach, don’t want to tell your parents.”
“Just you and me need to know. That’s it.” I grind my teeth. “I’m doin’ what you want, okay? I haven’t purged in weeks, Mindy. I just wanna keep this as small as possible.”
“I think you need someone there for you. Can you tell Lexie about this? Or Briar? Mickey? Someone.” She gestures to the file. “Because you could use some support. I know you’re used to doin’ everythin’ on your own, but you don’t have to. You woulda told Cody, wouldn’t you?”
I swallow the lump in my throat and nod. Couldn’t fucking talk if I wanted to. We wait, both of us just here. I’ve known Mindy for years. I’ve always mattered to her, and I know it. Cody mattered a hell of a lot to her, too. I just need to let some of this out. Free these words trapped inside of me.
“I stayed around, but man, I wonder if Lex had the right idea.” I press my eyebrows, rub my forehead. “Maybe we all needed to run away.” My words surprise Mindy, I can tell.
“Do you think runnin’ helped her?”
“I think stayin’ hurt me.” It feels heavy, but I mean it. “My best friend was supposed to be playin’ for the Yankees right now. And I see him in every goddamn inch of this town.” I grip the strap of my backpack, tight. “But I don’t really see him, Mindy. I see him dead. Everywhere.” Goosebumps appear on my arms, remembering how cold I felt in that hospital the night he died. “Would I tell him about this? Dunno. But I’d at least have him to talk to if I wanted to.” I pull my arms tight around my chest. I’m so cold I’m shaking.
“I miss him, too.” Her voice is low and full of compassion. “It hurts.”
“So much.” I close my eyes and hold a long breath. The air is thick around us and I blink away wet eyes. “I’ll see you tonight.”
Mindy nods, her eyes wet, too. My heart is heavy as I get into my truck, slam the door and pound my fist against the steering wheel, hating myself for not just driving Cody home that night.
“I Drive Your Truck” by Lee Brice blares on my sound system. I can’t stay my fucking tears. I need you, Cody. I need you here with me. I can’t do this alone. I can’t do this without you. Every part of me aches for him in a way that makes me know it’ll last forever. There will never be a time in my life where it doesn’t suffocate me to think of him.
Please, God. Give me some kind of meanin’ in all this. Show me that somethin’ good can come from all this pain. Just as soon as I think this prayer, Lexie’s face comes to mind. God, if anythin’ good could come of this, it would be me helpin’ to ease some measure of her pain. And it hits me again. More firm than before. I must be strong. For her. For Cody. Because he left her behind, lost and broken. I am going to do everything I can to help her heal.
In the parking spot at my apartment, I take a few minutes to make sure I look normal. My eyes are a little puffy, but nothing too horrendous, so I go inside.
Lexie is dolling herself up in the bathroom. God, she’s gorgeous. The curling iron molds her hair in steady bright red waves.
“Hey.” I dangle from the doorframe, a smile on my lips, heart warming in gratitude. I can’t believe she’s really mine. That we’re together. I never thought this would happen.
“Hey, love.” She pecks my lips while she finishes her last curl.
“You look amazing, baby.” I kiss her, taking my time to reconnect. She is everything I need. Though she doesn’t know it, being here with me offers support.
Part of me wants to tell her everything. Just pour out my whole heart. But now isn’t the time. I know there will be a time, but it’s not here yet.
“I’ve been thinking a lot.” She brings her body against mine. “I think I might be ready.” Her eyes find mine, a shimmer of hope.
“Ready?”
She bites her lip. “Ready to go all the way. I’m not scared. Not anymore. I think I’ve worked through a lot.” She raises up on her toes. “Maybe tonight? After the Christmas Gala? I don’t know. Maybe it’s not sexy to plan on it.” She darts her eyes away, her cheeks turning pink.
“It’s sexy as fuck, Lexie.” I run my thumb across her cheek. “I’m glad you told me where you’re at. We can always talk about this.” I wrap my mouth around her ear, the smell of her hair spray filling my nose. “I always want you to feel comfortable.” I move my head back to look at her. “Really.”
The look on her face tells me that she appreciates my response. Her lips take mine with so much love. “I want to share this with you.”
“I want to share this with you, too.”
When we arrive at the Christmas Gala, I can't take my eyes off her. Everything about her is mesmerizing. Her breathtaking smile, her laugh. My skin tingles as she places an arm around my waist.
“Ready for Christmas?” Mindy smiles at me, wearing a shimmery red dress. Her husband, Jon, holds a glass of champagne. He’s a nice guy. Manager at one of the hotels on Main Street.
“Oh, yes.” I try not to think about our conversation, though it’s so insanely hard not to.
“He’s countin’ down the days.” Lexie smiles. “Like one of those kids with an advent calendar.” She elbows me playfully and we chuckle.
“Finals go okay?” Mindy asks Lex.
“Yes, they did, thanks.” Lexie looks incredible in that little black dress of hers. It’s tight across her chest and hips, fishnet stockings on her legs. I can’t stop thinking about what she told me before we left the apartment. I wouldn’t dream about pushing her to be intimate. But I’d love for us to get there. Standing here, I think I’m ready. Really ready to be with her.
I’m doing better. My best. That has to be enough. Every time we’re together, I work harder to make sure I’m in a healthy mental state. I need to be in a place where I don’t tease her just to run away. I won’t try tonight unless I know I can. Maybe it’s time for us.
Coach Conners shakes my hand. “Anderson, good to see you.” It’s one of those two-handed hand shakes that pulls me in for a hug. He’s a shorter guy with really dark hair and thick eyebrows. He’s wearing a suit that’s nicer than mine. Polished shoes. The whole nine yards.
“Lexie.” Coach Conners gives her a hug, too. “Glad you’re back.”
A smile warms my face. So am I, Coach, so am I.
There’s a fancy dinner and a long presentation that would be more interesting if the speaker weren’t so dry. Not that I could hear a word of it, anyway. Every part of this evening melts into her. The way we are together. How much I have planned for our night.
I never thought this cou
ld happen. The more I think about it, the more I want her. I can’t wait to really please her. In the way she looks at me, I sense that she’s ready, too. I think. I hope. I pray.
Please, God, don’t let me fuck this up, and thank you, ya know, for givin’ me a chance with her at all.
“You gonna finally move in with me?” I have said this to her a few times, in teasing. We walk through the apartment door.
“I sleep here. What’s the difference?” She ditches her purse on the coat rack she bought for the entryway.
“I want it to be yours.” I latch the lock on the front door.
“I’ve been making it mine.” She points to the throw pillows on the couch.
“Can we hang up a Lexie Hawthorne Original on the wall right here?” My comment makes her laugh.
“I don’t think you can afford it.” She giggles.
“Oh.” I tickle her ribs. “What if we do one of those rent to own sort of arrangements, huh?”
She tickles me back. “You’d have to provide a down payment and two references.”
“Think you can give me a chance to earn it somehow?”
“Oh, I’ll give you a chance.” Her lips are close to mine, wearing a seductive smile.
My heart beats faster, anticipation building in all the best ways.
“You look beautiful, tonight. This dress.” I bite my lip. “Mmmm.”
“Looks better off me.”
Blood rushes to my ears. Like when I’m swimming underwater and there’s too much pressure in my head. I know we talked about it. I’m ready. If she’s ready, then I cannot fucking wait.
“Oh, I have no doubt.” I suck in a breath.
She’s giving me the look. The one I’ve been hoping for. The one I’ve been longing for. The please, Bobby, just fuck me look.
“I think you better find out for yourself.” Her sexy smile makes me come undone. Red lipstick glistens off her full lips. Eyes shining off the dim lighting in the apartment. Her gaze holds mine as if she’s looking deeper into my soul. As if she’s saying yes, take me. You’re ready. I’m ready. I trust you.
A Game Like Ours: Suncastle College Book One Page 15
