All the days I felt this pressure, this strain. I hoped I was overreacting and that nothing was going wrong. But this is enough to shatter anyone in the best of circumstances.
What would you do if you were me, right now, Cody? Just go with it? Pretend everything is damn fine? Because it ain’t. It’s far from alright. I need you here, and you’re fuckin’ gone.
I storm to the fence with my empty box and pick up every last baseball. The fence is splintered and cracked where I hit it. I shouldn’t be ruining their property. I shouldn’t be doing any of this. But I am.
Who splits up and doesn’t fucking tell their son?
Parents shouldn’t hurt their child like this. It shouldn’t feel like my soul is being ripped in half and lit on fire.
It ain’t right.
26
LEXIE
I stand in the kitchen, watching Bobby storm outside.
His mom covers her face with her hands, stifling sobs. I’m probably the last person in the world she’d want to offer her any sort of comfort, but I cross the kitchen, anyway.
The coffee maker beeps, a carafe full of an amazing smelling vanilla roast done brewing. I get some mugs off the rack and pour, going to the fridge for creamer. Keep going, keep moving, get through this. There isn’t creamer, so I go for the almond milk and pour a little in my cup. I stand by his mom at the counter, offering a sympathetic smile.
“I don’t know how much you overheard.” She wipes at her tears.
I’m not sure how to answer her, not sure what’s appropriate to say. Instead of addressing her question, I direct things back to Bobby. “He’s been really worried about you.” I guess I strike a chord because her face fills with brand new tears.
Mrs. Anderson is a personal trainer at the gym on Main Street. I saw her at the baseball games growing up and she would say hello. Our families sometimes attended events together. She always invited me to the end-of-the-season parties she threw, and the Christmas parties, and Halloween, of course. Every year she went all out for Bobby’s birthday. She also threw big parties for Cody’s birthday, stepping in as the best friend’s mom when Cody’s mom couldn’t.
Another woman enters the kitchen, coming toward Mrs. Anderson. “Who is here?”
“Bobby.” Mrs. Anderson shakes her head, bringing her fists up to her eyes.
“Come here.” The other woman pulls down Mrs. Anderson’s fists, bringing her in for a hug.
“He didn’t take it well.” Mrs. Anderson holds the other woman close. Is this her sister? Bobby’s aunt maybe?
“I know, love. It’ll be alright.” The other woman kisses Mrs. Anderson for a long time, like a good, hard kiss.
Oh, oh, boy, not a sister. Not a relative. A lover. A girlfriend or something. I feel like maybe I need to turn around or go find Bobby, be anywhere besides where I stand.
Am I watching this? Am I really watching this?
After convincing my frozen feet to move, I sit at their kitchen table stirring the almond milk into the coffee. I take a gulp that burns all the way down my throat.
No wonder Dad said ‘shambles.’ Yeesh. Though I am one hundred percent supportive of everyone being free to love who they love, I can see why this sorta thing wouldn’t go over well in our small, Southern, super conservative, Christian town. Fuck, I cannot imagine the gossip that’s been circulating, and I have no clue how Bobby and I didn’t catch a lick of it. Word spreads like wildfire around here. I’m surprised it didn’t get all the way to Suncastle yet. This kind of gossip is exactly what made Mom so mean to me and Mickey. Never tell a soul, Alexia Marie. The memory of her words makes me shudder.
“I’m Nira.” The woman holds out a hand, and takes a seat beside me at the Anderson’s kitchen table. She must not be from around here because there isn’t a bit of twang in her voice.
“Lexie.” I shake her hand, noticing her long, black, fake nails. The woman is beautiful–stunning, even. She’s got really nice boobs in a tight shirt and perfect cascading lush blond curls down her spine.
“Nice to meet you, Lexie.” Her body is even more toned than Bobby’s or his mom and being surrounded by all of them makes me feel like I’m at a fitness expo.
Pretty soon Bobby’s mom comes and sits down with us. We all endure the silence for a long while.
“School goin’ well, sweetheart?” Mrs. Anderson asks, pretending nothing happened.
I’m in so much shock, I just take another sip of coffee. “Yeah, school’s great.”
“Are you and Bobby–” Mrs. Anderson starts, and I jump in before she says anything more.
“Yeah.” I sip more coffee. “Been together for a few weeks, now.”
“Oh, um, I’m surprised.” She taps her not-fake nails on the tabletop, contrasting with Nira’s.
“You’re the one surprised?” My eyebrow raises; Nira chuckles. As awkward as this moment is, I actually kinda like her. The longer I sit here, the more reality sets in, and I worry about Bobby. Maybe I should go check on him. Or maybe he just needs space.
His mom left his dad for a woman…and didn’t bother to tell him when the whole town probably knows.
I take a long look at his mom, grinding my teeth to keep from giving her a piece of my mind. If I was Bobby’s mom I woulda fuckin’ told him. Disgraceful, Mrs. Anderson. Disgraceful. Well, I guess you aren’t Mrs. Anderson anymore are you? Probably not.
The door swings open. Bobby comes in, covered in sweat. He glances at his mom and Nira for a minute, face unreadable, carrying a big ol’ box of baseballs, heading directly for the front door. “I’ll be back to fix the fence tomorrow.”
“Have a good night.” I manage, rushing after Bobby. He’s already outside, putting the balls in the backseat like they are a new baby. His baby. Or a baby version of himself. Like an inner child, the last thing left to hold on to after his family life fell apart.
He gets in the driver’s seat, and I hand him the keys.
We go through town, missing the turn to my parent’s house. Street lights shine with their holiday wreaths. It’s getting late and pretty dark. After a while, he takes us toward the mountains. I guess he’s heading toward the Elerish Mountains and I’m right.
Parked at the top of the mountain road, windows rolled down, I look at the marvelous view. I can see the whole town. The air is a little cold, but I’m comfortable with my dress and sweater.
“You wanna talk?” I bite my tongue because that is probably not what he wants. Come to think of it, he’s barely even told me about his therapy appointment. After seeing all that, I’m acutely aware of how he doesn’t like things being kept from him. There’s an ache in my gut that only gets worse the longer we sit here. Meg’s lasagna sloshes around like its liver and onions, instead of my favorite meal.
He slams his palm into the steering wheel. Then his forehead. “How could they?”
I look at him for a long time, wishing I knew how to help him navigate through such a shock. I’ve only seen the Andersons as a happy couple, the type of people that would kiss under the mistletoe in front of everyone at the holiday parties. Every time I saw them, they were in love. Were they just pretending? Or maybe it was real, but now it’s changed.
“Did she tell you why she didn’t explain sooner?” I put my hand on his shoulder.
“No.” His looks dazed. “I mean, I knew somethin’ was up.” He massages his temples and rests his head on the steering wheel for several minutes. “I can’t believe this.”
“Me neither.” I sigh, wondering if he’s ready to hear this next bit. “Your mom is with that other woman. Like with with her.”
He clicks his tongue. “She should’ve told me. She should’ve told me months ago. This whole damn time.” He lets out a huff. “I’m not mad at her for splittin’ with Dad. Hell, I’m not even mad about her bein’ with that woman. This may sound crazy, but if she feels this way then who am I to question it?”
He’s so understanding, even after such a low blow.
“But she shoul
da fuckin’ called me back and told me at least some of this, goddamnit.”
“They definitely shoulda told you.”
“Yeah.” He blows out a long breath. “I’m gonna call Dad. See if I can at least tell him Merry Christmas or somethin’. I bet this whole situation it tearin’ him up somethin’ fierce.” He leans his head against the headrest.
“Yeah.” I put my hand on his. “I’m sure he wants to see you.”
“What happened when I went out back? Did you, ya know, talk to her and shit?” He tilts his head up just enough to see me.
“She cried for a little while, and then the other woman showed up and they kissed.”
“They kissed.” He moves in his chair, leaning back, and stares at the city in front of us for an uncomfortable period of time. “You wanna go on a walk? I could use some air.”
“Yeah.”
We get out of the car and take one of the trails, the moonlight enough to light our way. Our hands intertwine. I remember coming here as a little girl, on one of the rare times Dad didn’t have to work. Something about being with these trees, with this man I care about so much, makes my heart dance.
“I always thought my parents had it, ya know? That love of a lifetime. That one and only. The happily ever after and all that shit.” His voice is heavy. “I guess I didn’t really know.”
“It’s hard to ever know what goes on between two people.” I squeeze his hand.
“Ain’t that the truth.” He seems so defeated, and I worry he’s somehow blaming himself for what happened with his folks.
My heart pounds in my chest, because I’ve been wanting to talk to Bobby. So much got pulled out from under him, and I won’t keep more secrets. “I need to tell you somethin’.”
“Anythin’, you know that, baby.” He slows down to look at me.
“Well I don’t even sorta like this, so I have no clue how you’re gonna feel.” I shake my head. “Because you need to know. Well, I need you to know. It has haunted me day and night. But I need to say this, I need you to hear me. With Cody...” my throat clogs up, and I don’t know if I can go on.
“It’s alright. Whatever you need to say.” His eyes are kind enough that I dare to hope he’s ready to learn this.
“With Cody, we were far from perfect. There was so much goin’ wrong. Right before the accident I didn’t know if we could stay together.” The burden I’m trying to release quadruples in size, taking life from my chest, making it hard to breathe. I don’t feel better. I feel worse. “It was so much of a struggle and I was tryin’. Really, I was tryin’ so hard.” My lungs collapse on themselves, horrified that I’ve betrayed Cody and that I picked tonight of all nights to tell Bobby.
“I know.” Bobby doesn’t sound the least bit surprised.
My heart batters my insides. Oh God, how much does he know? They were best friends. Fuck…did Cody talk about our sex with him? Or rather, our lack thereof?
“I’m so embarrassed.” I close my eyes, bringing my palm to my face.
“Oh, Lex.” His tone is so caring, pulling my hand down to kiss it. “I know you’re conscious about it, but I’m not judgin’ you. Not even a little bit.”
I squeeze his hand, trying to believe him.
“How much did Cody tell you?” A darkness spreads through me. I never knew what to make of it then, and I definitely don’t know what to make of it now. Bobby showed me just how good sex can be. What Cody and I did was like a failed attempt.
“We talked some. Cody had a lot of shit he was workin’ through. I know that none of it was your fault.” He wraps his arms around me. I hold him, trying to let go of this heartache. Cody telling Bobby isn’t something I’d even considered. I thought this would be news to Bobby. But it’s not. He’s known this whole time.
Even though he knows, Bobby doesn’t think any less of me. So often I think less of myself. Bundled inside his embrace, I feel as though nothing could ever hurt me as long as he’s here. Maybe Bobby can teach me how to give myself more compassion.
“I know the relationship was really hard for both of you.” His hands bring me closer, no space between us.
“You do?” I listen to his heart, feeling raw and exposed, my soul naked before him. “All I want is to love you. We’ve both been through enough–” my words are cut off as Bobby presses his lips to mine, under the moonlight.
I kiss him, gripping his hair, pulling him tighter to me because I’ve never been this close to someone. Not like this. With Bobby it’s there, that physical and emotional bond between us. The way that I feel at home in his arms; safe and accepted.
This need to be loved forces me forward, clenching onto him, holding on for dear life. Don’t leave me. I can’t handle life without you.
“I’m here, baby. I’m right here.” He holds me like he can read my thoughts. His warmth floods me with comfort. “I want to be here. I want to be with you.” His words shake the center of my soul.
Holy fuck. I don’t know how I’m always shocked, but I am. He wants me. I thought I knew what it felt like to be wanted. The longer I spend with Bobby, the more it becomes clear that I had no clue. I felt needed with Cody. Cody needed me to take care of him, to be there, to not judge him for all the shit he’d been through. But maybe he didn’t really want me. Because this feels fucking different, in every way. That Bobby would give anything to keep me. That he wants me. Not just some girl.
I think back to all those girls Bobby’s slept with and how worried Trish was. I was right, that was waiting for me.
He wanted me.
The thought is so incredible I melt into his embrace. I’m not just me anymore. I’m one with him. There’s no separation between where I end and he begins. There’s only what we are, together.
All my life, I’ve wanted this. I cannot breathe with him this close to me, each kiss building on the last one. Breath holds in my chest, the love between us reaching a new depth.
His head moves backward, putting space between us, leaning to whisper in my ear. “If you don’t wanna talk about everythin’ tonight, we don’t have to. But please know that we will. Because I’m here for you, alright? There’s nothin’ you can say that is wrong. Whatever you feel, I wanna know,” he steps back, holding my hands in his. Bobby’s hands are freezing cold so I bring them inside of mine and work to warm them up.
“There’s so much I need to tell you.” I’m staggering from the withdrawal of his body against mine, blowing hot air onto his chilly fingers.
“I know.” He sees me, the real me, standing before him with all of my flaws. Thoughtfully, he smiles. “I have a lot to tell you, too.”
I raise my eyebrows. What could he possibly have to tell me? Does it have to do with what Cody said about our relationship? I don’t even know what he’s referring to.
His mouth presses into a thin line. “Can we agree to be patient with each other? Work through stuff one step at a time?”
“Always.” I kiss him with the depth we enjoyed just moments ago. “I’m relieved you’re not mad. I just...it always feels like I’m betrayin’ him when I think about how much was goin’ wrong between us.”
“Believe me, I know the feelin’.” He shivers, shaking all over. Worried, I feel his forehead for a fever. No, of course not. He’s just cold, like he often is.
“Let’s warm you up. I’ve got some blankets in the car.” I hurry to grab the black checkered picnic blanket I always keep in the back and spread it over a grassy patch off the side of the road. He’s right behind, carrying an extra large fluffy purple blanket I bought freshman year at Suncastle–for times like these when I found myself outside on cold nights.
We cuddle under the clear, starry sky. He holds me, snuggled in my fuzzy blanket, hands rub my hair, massage my scalp. I trust his every touch, knowing he could lead me anywhere, and I would follow. So tender, so deliberate, so exquisite. “You take such good care of me.”
“You’re the one that went and got me a blanket.” He tickles me under my ribs.
/> I laugh, swatting him away. “But you take care of me in so many ways.”
“I need to take care of you, baby.” The longing in his tone drives in deeper the truth that he wants to be here. “I can’t change what happened. Everyday I wish I could. But we can’t go back. We are here, right now, and all I want to do is hold you,” He brings his lips to mine. “I want to kiss you.” His tongue goes deep. “Can I do that? Please?” His voice is smokey, promising. He frames my face in his hands and a rush sizzles through me.
“Yes.” I’m breathless from his kiss.
He cuddles into my chest, both of us looking at the stars. “I’ve liked you for a long time, Lexie.” Head on my heart, he soothes me.
“You keep sayin’ that, and I keep wonderin’ how long. You gonna finally tell me, or what?”
“Okay, okay, I’ll tell you.” He burrows his head into my chest. “Since I saw you at Shakey’s that first time, when we all went out after the junior high baseball opener.”
“Since then?” We must’ve been twelve.
“Oh, yes.”
“Then why the fuck didn’t you ever ask me out?” A funny feeling spreads through me thinking about how we get along so well, how he feels like home.
“I shoulda. Guess I was worried if you liked me or not. Then, by the time I got up the courage...it was too late.”
“I’m not sure it was too late.” I play with his hair. “You shoulda.”
“I was goin’ to.” He shakes his head. “I was goin’ to right when Cody did.”
“Well you coulda–”
“Coulda what?” He sits, stretching his neck until it pops. “You and I both know that when y’all got together, that was that.” There’s a hint of something in his tone. “But I liked you then, and now,” he leans in for a long, sweet kiss. “I feel like we were meant to be together, maybe even all along. Like this is our special chance.” His voice is tight. “Because, Lex, the more time I spend with you, the more I fall in love with you.”
A Game Like Ours: Suncastle College Book One Page 21
