“It’s not fair.” I force a shaking breath.
“No, it’s not.”
I wipe away my tears with my hoodie sleeves.
“Wow, you really did a number on that fence.” She eyes the wrecked wood.
“You split up with Dad and didn’t tell me.”
“Also true.”
I really want her to say something to me that makes the hurt go away. Like when I was five years old and she got a bandaid for my scraped knee. But there is no bandaid for this. And no matter what she could say, it wouldn’t diminish the anguish. Nothing will. This is my battle. My torment. My loss.
“I’m sorry I was rude about Lexie.”
“I didn’t plan any of this, Mom.”
“I know you didn’t.” She tilts my chin to look at her, like I’m five years old, and I really do wish there was a bandaid.
“I want to make sure you’re not with her because you miss him.” Her tone is serious. “She’d never deserve that.”
“No.” I let out a sigh. “I think I should’ve been the one with her this whole time.”
“Maybe so.” Mom looks thoughtful. “I didn’t need to make you feel worse last night,” she repeats, “and I’m sorry. I know it’s already been a hard couple years.”
I purse my lips. “Yeah. It really has.”
“Nira’s got some mimosa’s if you’re interested? Sugar free juice.”
A smile cracks through the stone anguish I was stuck in. “Thanks.”
I go and finish the fence, coming inside and cleaning the paint off my hands. Nira and Mom are giggling. I’m glad to see them happy.
That’s really what this is all about, isn’t it, Cody?
Being happy.
A wave of insecurity rushes through me. I haven’t told Lexie enough. When do I tell her this?
I worry I’ll never find peace from the past. I worry that maybe my mom is right and I’m with Lexie for the wrong reasons.
But I’m trying. That’s all anyone can do. Try.
“How is it I miss you when you’re only gone a few hours?” Lexie welcomes me into her house with open arms.
“I missed you, too.” I spin her around like she likes. She smiles so big.
“Are you going to try and go see your dad?” We go out to their back porch. The mountains spread from the view over the lake. They have the best view in the county.
“Yeah.” I pull out my phone.
Me: Hey, I’m in town til next Tuesday. Can we get together?
It takes a while, but Dad replies.
Dad: Get drinks tonight at Merkley’s?
Me: What time?
Dad: 7
Me: K.
“We are gonna get drinks tonight. Does that work? What’s your family got planned?”
“Nothin’ tonight. I think Charlene is gonna go shoppin’ with me. Get coats for Cody’s family.” Lexie’s sister got into town sometime when I was with Mom and Nira.
Mom and Nira.
If they stay together, does Nira become my stepmother? I lean on the patio furniture. Just a few more days and then we get to go back to normal.
“Do you think we should go to the cemetery? Or Cody’s house?” Lexie clenches her hands a few times then shakes them out like she does when she’s nervous. “See his parents?”
I close my eyes. Cody’s house is the last place I’d want to go. I’m mad at them.
“What?” Lexie takes my hand in hers. “You’re closing up. What is it?”
I grind my teeth together. So much anger needs a place to go. It’s all too much.
“You said you hadn’t seen them since the funeral. I thought you’d jump at the chance.” She’s trying to communicate but I really don’t want to talk about this.
“I’m plannin’ to keep it that way,” I say, a little too harshly.
Lexie flinches, pulling her hand from mine. She gets up and walks to a chair farther away from me.
A cramp goes off in my stomach. Fucking hell, I don’t want to have tension with her. I wish I didn’t hurt her. I cannot let my anger explode at her. Not today. Not ever.
“I’m sorry, baby.” I wanna reach out and touch her, kiss her, make it all better. It won’t work.
It’s too much to make it better in one moment. Maybe too much to make it better at all.
She’s looking at the water. Elbows on her knees. Like she wants to keep her hands far away from mine. I deserve that. With a deep breath, I move from my chair and sit beside her, swallowing the anger down enough to avoid an outburst.
“We can go if you’d like. There are a lot of reasons I don’t wanna see his family, but if you do, I’ll be there for you.” My chest aches at the thought.
“I know you weren’t close with his parents.”
That’s the understatement of the year. I let her leave it there, because I’m not ready to go into all that. Last night I destroyed my parent’s fence. What would I do if my emotions got unhinged at seeing his father? Apparently I haven’t processed any of this shit.
That ache in my chest spreads. Each breath burns. Like I’m drowning. So much pain that I’ve never dealt with. Can I ever deal with it?
“There’s somethin’ you’re not tellin’ me.” Lexie looks at me with sadness painted all over her face. When I don’t reply, she turns her body farther away, putting all the space she can between us.
I feel like I’m dying without her connection. We’ve never fought about anything. This adds a layer to my torment. I sink deeper into my ocean of despair.
She walks in the sliding glass door without taking my hand.
Lex microwaves leftover lasagna. “You’re not gonna eat?”
I don’t think I could if I wanted to. “Ate at Mom’s.” It’s not a lie. I will not lie to her.
Silence rings in my ears. Without her nearness, I feel lost. That feeling terrifies me. Like every time I’ve felt lost on the baseball field since Cody died. I haven’t felt this way with Lexie since we decided to be together. But man, it’s here. And, it’s fucking miserable.
Am I supposed to talk to her? Make up? Give her space? God, please help me not fuck this up. I can’t lose her too.
There I go. Praying again, wishing I knew how I felt about the big man upstairs. I’m mad at him...I’m mad at everything. All those stupid sermons about how sinful it is to have “same sex attraction” because they can’t even say the term gay in those holy walls.
It’s not how you really feel, is it, God? Can’t you love me for who I am? Regardless of who I love? The God I believe in wouldn’t treat anyone with so much hostility. God is love, isn’t He?
“I think I need to go to Cody’s house. Last year I bought some things for the kids. Winter coats. They probably need new ones now. I am gonna text his mom for the sizes. See if Charlene and I can pick them up while I’m out shopping.” Lexie breaks the silence of my God debate. “I don’t feel right that I haven’t talked to his mom since last year. I don’t know how to do any of this.” Her tone is so heavy that it hurts me. I’m supposed to support her, but right now I have nothing left to give.
“I know you’re goin’ through hell. Maybe it’s not a good time. I can go by myself if you don’t wanna be there.” She clenches her hands. “I just hate knowin’ that I’m here in town and not doin’ anythin’ to see her.”
“You wanna go tomorrow? Christmas Eve?” I’ll do it for her. I’ll do just about anything for her.
“Yeah.” She eats the last bite of her food. “We have dinner at the country club. Can swing by right before that.”
“Good idea.” Hopefully we won’t be stuck at his parents’ house for long.
I arrive at the bar where Dad took me for my first beer and give them my ID. He’s sitting at a corner table with a bunch of appetizers in front of him. I’m not late…he went overboard. Typical of him. Show up early and order everything they’ve got.
“Hey.” I take off my hoodie and hang it on the wooden chair. Dad stands and gives me a hug that’s so tigh
t it almost suffocates me.
“Missed you,” he says before letting go.
“Missed you too.”
“Here, eat up.” He pushes all the food toward me while I slide my chair in.
Food. Calories. Junk. Sugar. I should eat it because Dad went to the trouble. But I can’t. Because if I eat it, I’ll make myself heave. I’m trying not to do that right now.
I could vomit in the bar bathroom before I head to see Lexie.
No.
I’m teetering that line that I hate. The one where I don’t want this, but I can’t seem to stop myself. It’s a particular kind of hell. Like this winter vacation.
“You like these ones, right? The barbecue ones.” He rearranges the plates until the wings are closer to me. Makes me miss Lexie because she loves wings.
“Ya’ don’t have to buy my love, Dad. You’ve already got it.”
“Oh.” He drums his knuckles on the table. “Yeah, of course not. I, well, I’m sorry that we are meetin’ up like this and that I really haven’t been there.” He shakes his head, looking at the decor hanging on the walls to avoid my gaze.
“Not a big deal.” Maybe a lie, but Dad’s down low enough, I don’t need to kick him lower. The heaviness in his eyes tells me that he’s been down for a long time. I know what that’s like.
“Oh, it’s a big deal. And I should’ve handled it better.” He looks down at his plate.
If there was ever a question where I got this need to be so hard on myself, it’s sitting right across from me.
“You know what, can we talk about somethin’ else maybe?” I eat half a barbecue wing. Jeez, this tastes good. A horrible-for-you-chicken-wing may be heaven on earth. I want them all. No. Just half of one. Not enough to alter my calories. Not enough to have to do anything drastic. I can have one beer and half a wing. Maybe the plain celery sticks.
“You gonna spend Christmas with your mom?” He eats a mozzarella stick lathered in ranch dressing.
I used to eat ranch dressing. Used to love it.
“No, I’m spendin’ it with Lexie’s family, actually.”
“Lexie Hawthorne?”
I try to gauge his response, but it’s hard to tell. “Yeah, she’s my girlfriend.”
“Oh.” His eyes go wide. “That’s great son. She’s always been a sweet girl.”
“Yeah.” A smile grows on my face. I lean back in the chair. Thank God he took that well. Mom didn’t. Jeez, I never want to think about that conversation ever again.
“You’re takin’ good care of her?” There’s that stern look he puts on when he’s pretending to be the intense type.
“What do you take me for?” I scoff. “You know how you raised me.”
“Oh, I think I can take very little credit for who you are.” He shakes his head. “I know, I know, gave you all those lessons in bein’ the Southern gentleman everyone deserves. But man, Lexie. Wouldn’t have guessed you’d be with her.”
He’s happy now, a total change of pace from when I arrived.
“You and me both.” It feels good to talk. I nibble on the wing.
“There’s a whole platter here, don’t need to be shy. I’ll order more.” Dad gestures to the food on the table.
“I’ll take some home for Lexie.” I smile.
“Oh, good thinking. I’ll order a box to-go.” He waves over the waiter and puts in an order for later.
“You doin’ okay with everythin’ Dad?” I lean back in my chair, wiping sauce off my finger with a napkin. “Does Skipper know?” I think about all the summers we spent out on his boat.
“Doin’ okay? Yeah, I mean. I can’t change any fuckin’ part of it now, can I?” He empties his beer and waves for another. “Skipper, no, I really haven’t felt like makin’ this announcement. I kinda hoped we could fix it after a break from each other, but word on the street is she’s moved on.”
I feel crushed with him. Because man, how do you tell people that your marriage fell apart this way? In Willardson? I can’t imagine.
“Is that why you didn’t tell me?”
“Didn’t tell you?” He looks shocked. “Fuck, she didn’t?” He drops the mozzarella stick into the cup of ranch. “I thought for sure Mom told you months ago.”
Months ago. I swallow hard, the room spinning around me. I’m queasy, ready to heave that half a chicken wing.
“So you just learned?”
“Last night.”
“Dag nammit.” He slams his fist into the table and we get a few looks from people nearby. Bringing his hands to his lap, he nods to try and calm the crowd. “Son, I had no idea. I should’ve told you myself. I thought for sure Mom woulda called you up first thing.” There’s a heaviness in his voice, and I hate it. He’s always laughing. Always joking around. It’s like splitting with Mom sucked the joy out of his life.
I’ve always loved my dad and looked up to him. Never in my life has he looked this broken. The beers keep coming, and we sit together until almost midnight. The fact that they didn’t tell me is a big sore spot right now, but a good night like this makes me think that maybe I can forgive them someday.
“Oh, here.” He gives me an envelope and I open it up to find a wad of hundreds in there. “I knew you wouldn’t cash a check, and well, your mom always had your account info so I haven’t given you much lately.”
“Oh, I’m alright. You don’t need to.”
“I’m always gonna take care of you, Bobby, ‘til you’re really established on your own.” He smiles. “Skipper did that for me, and I’m doin’ it for you.”
It warms my heart to know that he and his dad are close like I’m close with him.
“I really am sorry that you didn’t find out about your mom and me.”
“Dad, it’s okay. You’ve already apologized ten times.”
“I know. I just–” He sighs, his shoulders sagging toward the ground. “I don’t know how to do any of this.” He holds my eyes and there’s so much sadness.
“We’re gonna adjust.” I shrug. “Nothin’ lasts forever, right?” I quote his life mantra. “And with God all is possible.”
He cracks a smile. Always had a soft spot for things about faith.
“I’m proud of you, Bobby. You know that?”
I don’t know why the words affect me so much, but they do. I’ve been so confused with his and Mom’s behavior that I haven’t known what to make of it. “It feels really good to hear that.”
“Then I’ll tell you a thousand more times.”
29
LEXIE
We took Charlene’s car so Bobby could take mine to meet his dad.
The mall is always nuts this time of year, but I don’t care. I’ve got to get the coats for Cody’s family. A funny knot works its way up my throat. The only relationship I’ve been in during Christmastime was with Cody.
Dear God, Jesus, Universe, is it always going to be this hard?
“So, Bobby, huh?” Charlene was bound to bring him up sometime, and here we are.
I flip through the clothing rack. “Yeah.” There’s no hiding the smile on my face. Thinking about Bobby lights my heart up, just like the Glo Worm caterpillar I used to cuddle with as a little girl at bedtime. He’s my comfort, keeping the darkness away.
Cody’s mom texted me sizes for the kids, so I’m picking through what’s left over from overzealous holiday shoppers. Charlene is a big help, her golden curls bouncing as she pulls hanger after hanger across the circular racks.
My niece, Paisley, is at home helping Mom decorate an extra Christmas tree she kept in an upstairs room, out of the way. Heaven forbid anyone see a tree decorated by a child. That simply isn’t done in a house like hers.
“But why? I mean, isn’t it hard to date his best friend?” Charlene means well, but questions like this sting the bit of insecurity I haven’t quite worked through.
I would love to keep lying to myself that there could never be anything wrong with me and Bobby. But the truth is I have no idea what I’ve gotten mys
elf into.
That passion of his is all kinds of wonderful, but sometimes it makes me scared I won’t be able to really give him what he needs. Am I enough for him? Is this a joke that we’re even trying things? I’m wondering if I will just wake up from this dream.
I don’t know, and I don’t like when so many around us seem to think this is a horrible idea. I know him because of Cody, but I love him as himself just like there was never a connection between them at all. One day, I won’t naturally compare them, I hope. And as long as I can learn how to do that, I have faith we will be fine.
“It’s hard.” I sigh.
“Then why are you doin’ this to yourself?” Her honesty is usually a good thing, but it’s rubbing me all kinds of wrong today.
“You’re one to talk.” It’s a low blow, but I use it.
After I say that, she stays quiet. My sister walked out on her husband, Jethro, right before her daughter was born, so I know she is well-acquainted with the harder path one can take.
“Bobby’s worth it, alright?” I find her eyes, knowing that she won’t stay hurt for long. We agreed a long time ago not to hold back, even when it’s hard to share our truth. Mom kept so much from us. When all of their secrets unraveled, including that I’m not Dad’s biological daughter, and a lot of Mom’s money was obtained in ways we find unethical, we promised we wouldn’t do that to each other. It was why she left her ex-husband. He lied to her. And it’s why I can never be with a liar. It’s too painful to be with someone who isn’t honest.
“I feel good when I’m with him. It’s like we were always meant to be.” I put a coat into the cart for Cody’s sister, Anna Mae.
“You sound like a chick-flick.” Charlene is next to me, pulling one for Abigail.
“Just ’cause you’re jaded as fuck doesn’t mean I’m not entitled to my perfect romance.” I chuckle.
A Game Like Ours: Suncastle College Book One Page 24
