My body quakes. Why was he so protective of me when I didn’t have anything to give him? My insides burn. He wasn’t protective of me. He was jealous that Bobby was noticing me and not him. Fuck. The hurt goes so deep it feels like an endless vortex pulling me–calling to me.
I love you both. Always have, always will. Remembering Bobby’s words makes me hurt worse. Was he lying then, too?
I shouldn’t have stormed out on Bobby that way. It wasn’t right of me. So much of this is all wrong.
“Hey girl, I’m here!” Trish lets herself in, bringing a bottle of wine upstairs where I’m surrounded by scattered papers and pictures.
She sets the wine on the nightstand and ditches her purse to the floor with a clunk. Her eyes go wide while she scans the littered room. “What the hell is goin’ on here?”
“I walked out on Bobby. We broke up, I think. I don’t even know.” I sigh into my hands, a quiet scream emerging from the back of my mouth.
“Oh, honey.” Trish pours us both a glass.
“I don’t know what I was thinkin’.” I blurt out, the wine burning my raw throat, removing the thick feeling I’ve endured the last few hours.
“You were thinkin’ you felt somethin’ for him.”
“It was all a lie.” Words come pouring out of me, and before I know it all of our story is with Trish. I can’t believe I’ve said it all. My heart aches with a pain I’ve never felt. Hot tears race down my cheeks. “I’m a fuckin’ idiot. How did I not know any of this? It’s all here, Trish. All of it. Every last word. Cody wanted to be with Bobby.”
“Jesus,” Trish drinks a sip. “I did not see this one comin’.”
“You and me both.” I go to my bed and scream into my pillow. After replacing my pillow, I dangle upside down to let blood rush to my head.
“Did Bobby tell you why they wanted to be together but Cody chose you instead? There has to be a reason.” Her words barely enter my ears as I fight the exhaustion of the night. A glimpse of hope, that there may be a reasonable explanation, goes past me like a gentle breeze.
“Bobby didn’t give me any sort of reason.” Not that I gave him much of a chance.
“Well, did he at least explain why he waited until tonight to tell you?”
“No.” I shake my head. “How did we not know Bobby is bi? How did we not know Cody was gay? We were all such good friends.” I was so wrong about them.
“I always thought Bobby was a player, but never thought twice about Cody being gay. This is a huge shock. Damn them for not even givin’ us a hint. I can’t remember ever wonderin’ about them.”
I flip right-side-up. “Me neither. Fuck, we were blind.”
Trish looks at me, wrinkling her brow. “You know, it shouldn’t matter.”
“It doesn’t.” I sigh, leaning against my headboard.
Cody’s stuff sits on the nightstand. As much as I tried to purge him from my house, something made me leave it there. His Bible catches my eye and I run my fingers over the worn leather. Church isn’t usually a safe place for someone to be gay.
“I just wish I would’ve known. Because it’s horrible that Cody never once told me. I didn’t want to wonder. I just thought our sex problems were all the Jesus stuff. You know, the ‘save yourself for marriage’ thing. It was so confusing. One minute he’d wanna be all pure, and then the next he’d tell me we should move in together.” It hurts to remember him praying, begging for forgiveness, hours on his knees. Probably praying to become straight.
“Must’ve sucked to be that religious while trying to figure out your sexuality.” Trish sets down her wine glass.
My stomach drops. “Cody had so much fuckin’ heartache already.”
“There has to be a reason, Lex. Did you even ask Bobby why he’s tellin’ you now?”
I swallow more wine. “No.”
“I hate to play the devil’s advocate here, but I think that he’s probably got a reason. Probably a good reason.”
“I’m angry.” I shake my wine glass at her. “No. Not angry. Do you know what I am?”
“What?”
“Hurt. So damn hurt I can hardly breathe”
“Of course you are.” She wraps her arms around me.
“How could they?” Tears fall from my body, shaking heaves. The emotional wall that kept me from these feelings crumbles, offering a liberation from this hell.
“I don’t know,” Trish soothes.
“Am I just that hard to love?” My words are difficult to understand while I’m talking and crying at the same time, like when a little kid throws a fit.
“No.” She pulls back and moves my hair out of my face. “This is not about you. It’s about them. Cody wasn’t straight with you.” She chuckles sadly. “Straight–like honest, not straight–like heterosexual. Well, technically both. Anyway….” She shakes her head. “But Bobby had every reason to tell you the truth if he really wanted y’alls relationship.”
Her words make it all hit harder and another wave of tears seep out of my eyes.
“I thought Bobby wanted me.” I cry into her shoulder. “He just wanted Cody.”
I wake up a few hours later, my head pounding with exhaustion, stuck in an endless looping of thoughts refusing to let me rest. Trish is sleeping on the other half of the bed, the wine bottle we both emptied hugging the edge of the night stand.
Going downstairs, I find my canvas. Bobby was so excited for me to have my own art studio. I thought he was taking care of me.
I need to do something. Something more than thinking the same thoughts over and over again. The canvas stares back at me, waiting. So, I paint.
Emotion surges from every brushstroke, finding its way out of me and onto my forming creation. What I’m drawn to paint isn’t something I understand. As the canvas fills in front of me, I’m brought to tears. Because without wanting to, I’m painting a picture of the three of us, together. In the photo that I absently reference, on the wall in front of me, I’m in the middle. It was one of our summer beach trips. But I paint it differently. Now Bobby is in the middle.
He always has been.
39
BOBBY
APRIL
It’s Cody’s death anniversary. Two fucking years later and I’m just as broken as the moment it happened. Maybe more broken. Can this get worse with time? Because it has.
Before I only had him to miss. Only had him in the dark of night. Only had him to haunt my every nightmare.
Now I’m grieving both of them. Never should’ve been with her in the first place. It’s too hard to be with her when I can’t be honest. My whole life is a secret. Every part of who I am is shamed and ridiculed in our society. Every part of who I am is lost inside.
She can’t be with me.
I won’t have her go through the pain of talking things through. We can never be the same again. I don’t even know where to start, how to talk to her, how to talk at all. The voice I wish I could’ve used my whole life has been silenced in a million little ways. From the porn I’m supposed to watch or not watch, to the way I can’t wear anything with a rainbow on it in public. Society took my voice, and I knew it from an early age. If I want to be accepted, I have to pretend I’m not who I am. Simple.
So I kept secrets.
Secrets I didn’t even tell the one person I care more about than anyone in this entire world. Why didn’t I tell her I was bi? It’s such a foregin concept to tell anyone. I’ve only told Sam, and that was after years. In time, I would’ve gotten there with Lexie–even if Cody and I never had sex. Just sucks that she needed it sooner than I was able to give it.
I wish I could trust myself to really talk to her. But I can’t. We are a bad combination. Maybe I need to be with someone who could care less about secrets. Someone who has their own.
No.
I need her. And I lost her.
But today isn’t about Lexie. It’s about my loss that happened seven hundred and thirty days ago.
It’s about you, Cody.
It’s your death anniversary, Cody. Brought you all the best. Mama and Papa Gus always made chocolate milk right, didn’t they? Pizza-flavored Pringles. Peanut M&Ms.
I pop one in my mouth and stare at the starry sky above me.
I feel ya, Cody. I feel ya right here.
My hand is on my chest, the pounding of my heart raging harder the more I feel. The more I desire him. The life we never had. The one we will never have.
I never stopped thinkin’ about you.
My fingers find his necklace under my jersey and edge over the metal. There was no salvation for him. Not even in death. I hate that he suppressed who he was. I hate that he hurt Lexie because of it. Most of all, I hate that the moment he was gonna finally have the life we wanted….
A jingle comes from the gate.
“Hey man, I saw your truck.” Briar stands above me, appraising the snacks and my position on the mound. “You alright?”
I think about sitting up. About standing and gathering all this shit and going home. But it’s like the life is sucked out of me. I can’t move.
“Two years ago today, isn’t it?” Briar sits beside me and before I know it, he’s lying here looking at the stars. Joining me in my grief. I love that he knows what day it is. Means a lot to me that Briar is here. I don’t want to be alone. If things weren’t so shitty with Lex, I woulda done something with her today. Or if Mick hadn’t up and decided he hates me, we could’ve all done something. We could’ve invited Trish and gotten our high school group together.
“Two years too long.” I run my hands through my hair. Shit, this hurts. Everything hurts.
“He was the Goose to your Maverick.”
Briar’s deep voice rings in my ears. The Goose to my Maverick. The peanut to my M&Ms. The light to my darkness. He was everything. I lost everything.
Wish I could just bring you back or go ahead and join you in heaven.
“You like Top Gun?” I grip another handful of clay, clinging onto anything in reality to steady me in this moment. The past beckons to me, calls to me. Not a bit of fight left in me. Only a prisoner. Always a prisoner.
“Oh, it’s a classic.” Briar’s face lights up like it’s one of his favorite movies. It probably is, he’s a huge movie buff.
“Yeah, a classic.” I sigh. “Really I was the Goose to his Maverick.”
Cody was the one going places. The one who knew who the hell he was. I still have no clue who I am or how to be what I want to be. No purpose. I should be the one gone.
“Well Goose is the one that dies. Plus, you are the one that has Tom Cruise’s hair.” Briar chuckles.
“You’re not wrong there.”
“You sharin’?” He reaches his hand into the Pringles can and stuffs about twenty chips in his mouth, as crumbs fly everywhere. “How’s my Cody impression?”
I lose it laughing. Jeez it feels good. Cody was always stuffing his face. Briar remembers. Oddly, this makes me miss Mick. We used to have good times like this. Feels like I’m destroying every friendship I ever had. Cody was the glue that held us all together.
“Nope, hold up.” Briar gets the chocolate milk and chugs, then puts the empty bottle on his baseball cap. He stands slowly and while balancing the bottle on his head, does a little dance. A stupid dance like he’s some mix of a cowboy and a ballerina. This moment is perfect.
“There ya go.” I sit up, clapping my hands as Briar continues dancing. “Couldn’t have done a better impersonation myself.”
Briar dips low a bow before taking a seat next to me.
I’m not alone. He’s here, trying to make me feel better. We are still again. Quiet.
“Are we really gonna do this? Get drafted? Quit playing on this field where we are kings to become the bottom of the line again?” Briar lets out a nervous laugh. “Man alive, I never thought I’d be good enough to even be in the runnings.”
“I can relate.” I click my tongue. “Coach Connors told me he’s sure.”
“Oh, I know he is.” Briar reaches around me and gets some M&Ms.
“Why don’t I feel confident? Do you feel confident?” My stomach cramps thinking about it. Just a little bit longer before we will know for sure. Before we see if it’s just a dream or actual reality.
“Nah, it’s more surreal. I mean, we’ve always wanted this.” Briar hands me the bag of M&Ms.
I eat a handful. “Always.”
I think about being a little kid and watching games on Dad’s lap. Watching those players moved something inside of me. That stirring is still present whenever I think about it. For as long as I can remember, this has been the goal.
“Cody told me what it was like. Told me it was more nervous energy than he’d ever had. Like the insane drop of a rollercoaster. And that was just from the phone call.” I rub my eyes. “God, I wish he coulda actually played with them.”
“Life ain’t fair. I mean, you grew up with him. Cody had about the roughest beginnin’ known to man, and then to win the baseball lottery, basically, and then not get to play.”
“He was gonna write a book about it. Inspire people in rough spots, tellin’ ‘em they can do anythin’.” The excitement in my heart turns to bitterness. “Does it ever get better, Bri? You still miss your brother?” I bend my knees, leaning over my folded arms.
“Better?” He stares at home plate. “I don’t know if better is the word. It does change, though. Sometimes it’ll still hit me hard. And other days it’s just that dull sadness. I’m glad he had the life he had. I wish he was still alive.” Briar sighs, looking at the lights. “Maybe part of your heart heals. Or maybe it just gets more used to the pain.” He stands, offering me a hand up. “But either way, they are always gone.”
“And we are still here.” My tongue feels thick, looking at the snacks. A memorial to my best friend. Shit, I miss him. I miss everything we may have been. My hands clench up, trimmed nails boring into my skin. I close my eyes, trying to stop my emotions from taking over. Before I know it, Briar wraps his arms around me.
“I’m glad you’re still here.” His voice is soft, caring. The same thing Sam told me.
I don’t expect to fall apart, but I do.
Briar just stands there with me, holding me tight.
A few tempered breaths calm my shaking body. “I’m so fuckin’ emotional.”
“We all are,” Briar says. “People pretend not to be, but we all feel shit whether or not we show it.”
I step back. “This Cody grief is bad enough. Then, on top of that, I fucked things up with Lexie.”
“I noticed.” Briar adjusts his cap, a thoughtful look on his face. “You know what? I’m gonna have you over for a Monte Cristo right now. You can tell me the whole thing.”
“It’s past midnight.”
“Don’t care. 2 a.m. sandwiches taste better anyways.”
“You know what? Sure.” I gather up the snacks, giving Cody’s memory one more quiet moment.
We get to Briar’s apartment, and he puts on some country music.
Briar pulls a bunch of stuff out of the pantry and fridge. “Here, you smush up the Capt’n Crunch.” He hands me a baggie and pours some of the cereal inside.
“What is this you’re makin’?”
He stops, looking stunned stupid. “You’re jokin’.” His eyebrows go so high into his forehead that I can’t see ‘em under his hat. “Come on, man. You haven’t had one of these?” He scoffs. “That’s unforgivable, right there. That’s what that is. Just smush ‘em up good. I’ll take care of the rest.”
Crushing the crumbs, I behold everything that is Briar singing and mixing around shit in his kitchen.
“You know after baseball, I’m gonna open u
p one of those diners. Like right next to an airport somewhere. One of those open all night sorta things.”
“Are you?” We sit at the table with some weird version of a fried, cereal covered sandwich. He puts a bunch of ranch dressing on the side of my plate.
I’ve eaten well all week. I can eat this.
“Mama’s recipe.” Briar smiles proud.
“Homemade ranch, huh?”
“Oh yeah.” He pours a big glass of sweet tea for both of us.
Fuck it. I’m eating some fried sandwich covered in pancake batter and Cap’n Crunch, drenched in ranch dressing. I force a breath. As long as I’m consistent, I can eat less healthy things sometimes. I can do this. I have to do this. Another deep breath. Another bite. Chew. Swallow. “Hey this ain’t so bad.”
“Gonna serve them all night at Briar’s Skyline Diner. You watch,” Briar shakes his finger in the air. “So you gonna fix stuff with Lexie or what?”
I choke on the sandwich, coughing for a sec until I recover. “Fix it with her?”
“I’m pretty sure you’re her soulmate and shit. So yeah, you gonna fix it?”
I look at the movie posters hanging on the kitchen walls, not meeting his gaze. “Don’t think I can.”
“Well, maybe at some point, you can at least try.”
“Yeah.” I let out a long breath, knowing she’s worth the world to me. If there is any way to fix all this, I want to.
40
LEXIE
MAY
Time passes in horrible regret. I want each day to get better. Instead, it gets worse. I miss Bobby. I miss us. The way it was so natural to be together. That we were in the relationship of my dreams before everything changed. I thought that, several weeks later, the rock in my gut would soften. But it has only gotten bigger.
A Game Like Ours: Suncastle College Book One Page 31
