by A J Lange
One by one, in chronological order, he forwarded every message he had sent to or received from Gray, stretching back to the days they first met.
When he was finished, he slipped under the blankets, crowding next to Gray. He didn’t have much choice; Gray hadn’t exactly left Zane a lot of room to work with. He lay propped on an elbow in the dark, gazing down at the strong, pale shoulders, bare above the sheets. Zane leaned over and kissed the soft skin over a shoulder blade, felt it twitch beneath his lips. He smiled when Gray mumbled something unintelligible then scooted back against Zane, even in sleep seeking contact.
Zane wiggled one of the pillows free from Gray’s grasp and tucked it under his head, letting himself relax into the warmth of the body next to him. His last thoughts before sleep overtook him were of his earlier conversation with Tanner, and how he hadn’t been entirely telling the truth; in all the important ways, Zane was already home.
◆◆◆
Zane woke to the sound of Gray’s phone blowing up; hundreds of text messages delivered at once the instant Gray turned it on. Gray was staring down at the phone in his hand, handsome face a mixture of shock and awe, and what Zane recognized as deep affection. Zane stretched, yawning, and smiled into the blue, blue eyes that suddenly loomed over him.
“Good mor—“ Zane’s greeting was cut off by a mouthful of grateful, sexy professor.
“Thank you,” Gray said when he lifted his head to suck in a quick breath.
Zane let himself be pressed down into the mattress and kissed again, soundly, one arm pinned under the sheet, the other tangled in one of Gray’s hands, as the phone beeped between their palms.
Gray chuckled at the incessant sound. He moved to get up, and Zane protested against his jaw, where his mouth had wandered of its own volition.
“Stay,” he mouthed against the sandpapery skin.
Gray tilted his head, giving him more access. Zane kissed as far as he could reach, still essentially trapped with the exception of his head. Which was okay; Zane grinned as he thought of all the damage he could with just his tongue. He grunted in frustration when Gray rolled to sit beside him on the bed. The phone had finally stopped and Gray was scrolling through the messages, soft smile on his face.
Zane threw back the sheets and sat up, ignoring a very, very, excited appendage. He read over Gray’s shoulder, smiling at the carefree exchanges, when they had everything and didn’t know it. Or maybe Zane had known, he just hadn’t known it would come so close to killing him before it was over.
“God, I loved you,” Zane said, remembering.
Gray glanced back, surprised. “You,” he bit his lip. “Past tense?”
Zane could feel new tension in Gray’s back and he rested his chin on the other man’s shoulder. He rubbed his jaw lightly against the bare skin. “I thought that’s what we were doing,” he finally said, voice low, cautious. “Figuring that part out.”
Gray was silent, scrolling through the messages. He touched a button to close the window and lowered the phone to his lap. He turned to press a kiss against Zane’s cheek.
“Arches National Park?”
Zane studied his face, too close, too warm, too handsome. Too everything Zane had ever desired. He ached all the way to his bones, and decided once, just for fucking once, he could take something for himself. He brought a hand to the back of Gray’s head and kissed him, gentle at first, tongues touching, then darting away only to seek each other out again as the heat increased exponentially with each small sound from Gray’s throat.
Breathing heavily, Zane rested his forehead against Gray’s. “Present tense, Gray,” he whispered, eyes closed.
Gray kissed him gently, sighing into his mouth. “Thank God.”
Zane chuckled and lay back down against the pillows. He was suddenly exhausted again. Emotional toll had a powerful draining effect on his energy level it would seem.
“Uh uh,” Gray shook his head. “Get your fine ass out of bed, Nolan.”
Zane closed his eyes. “Just one more hour, Gray,” he wheedled, snuggling beneath the blanket. He yelped when the covers were ripped from the bed. His hands covered his groin, the effect of waking up next to Gray, especially a Gray who kissed like a fucking porn star, still strong and very much present.
Gray pointedly looked at Zane’s barely covered crotch. “Maybe you should take another cold shower so we can get on the road.”
Zane scowled. “You’re really not a gentleman, are you?”
Gray raised his eyebrows. “I’ve been told my manners are quite refined.” He leaned over Zane suddenly and God help him, but Zane actually squeaked. “Now. Get. Up.”
Feeling wicked and hot and a hundred and one degrees of sexually frustrated, Zane caught Gray hand and pressed it against his hardness. His eyelids fluttered at the sensation of Gray touching him. “This is up, Gray,” he rasped.
Gray froze, looking at their joined hands. Zane flushed. Could he be more crude? Jesus.
Then Gray’s hand dipped lower, cupping him and Zane’s eyes did roll back in his head. Gray pushed his hand below the waistband of Zane’s boxers and the first touch of naked palm on his sensitive skin was exquisite. Zane whimpered; he could hear himself, but he had totally lost control.
Gray stroked him, shifting his position so he could straddle Zane’s legs, changing his angle so his hand was more perfectly fitted around Zane’s cock. He used his other hand to push Zane’s flannel pants and boxers down, out of the way. Zane hissed at the brush of cool air across his heated skin.
Gray leaned down to kiss his neck, sucking too hard and Zane’s hips jerked in response. “I wanted the first time to be my mouth, Zane,” he said against the skin over Zane’s collarbone.
“Wait,” Zane squeaked again, pushing Gray’s hand away, “Gray, wait.”
They lay frozen, Zane panting and exposed, Gray hovering, eyes intent on Zane’s face, his hand paused, wrist gripped hard in Zane’s fist.
“I’m literally crying here,” Zane joked, breathless. “But you’re right.”
“About my mouth?” Gray head cocked in confusion and Zane groaned. Great. Now there’s an image that would torture him for the next long while.
“No,” Zane took a deep, steadying breath and released Gray’s wrist. He pulled his boxers and pants back into place. Then he grinned sardonically. “Er, yes. Please.”
Gray sat up on Zane’s thighs. “I don’t understand you, Zane Nolan.”
Zane scrubbed his face with his hands, groaning. He was still hard enough to pound nails. “Me neither.” He pushed up, too far into Gray’s personal space and loving the way Gray didn’t move away. He cupped Gray’s backside. “Not to sound like a goddamn girl, but I want the timing to be right. Perfect.”
Gray’s mouth lifted in the ghost of a grin. “I remember that about you,” he said softly. He ruffled his fingers through Zane’s messy bed hair. “I didn’t know if it was real.”
“Shut up,” Zane grumbled, ducking his head. His cheeks were warm again. Goddamn beautiful boyfriend (ex-boyfriend?) and his vitally important compliments that had been sorely missing from Zane’s life.
Gray dropped a kiss to his head. “Get up then. We’ll drive through Canyonlands on the way. You can pretend you’re John Wayne.” He squeezed Zane’s thigh. “Just... get up. You’re making me feel like a man whore because all I really want to do is fuck you senseless.”
Zane’s head jerked up but Gray was off him and striding across the room. “We can do that. Gray! We can totally do that!”
Gray was already out the door, ice bucket in hand.
Which was a good thing; Zane might need to pour the contents down his pants.
Chapter 23
His name was Giovanni, and he was beautiful. Zane had never really considered another man under that descriptor before he met Gray, but Gio would definitely fall into the ‘more than simply handsome’ category. And he only had eyes for Gray.
Gio was a trail guide for Back Country Trailheads, serving
visitors of Zion National Park. In particular, he led overnight expeditions exploring The Narrows, one of the world’s most beautiful slot canyons. Although Zane was not an experienced hiker, he was powerless to resist the light in Gray’s eye as he watched him discuss available hiking opportunities with a park ranger in the visitor center. On the ranger’s advice, they decided to join Gio’s next group, seven men and women, who would hike down the North Fork Virgin river and into the gorge where the narrow, sandstone walls rose up one hundred feet overhead. On the first day, they would hike into the canyon and camp for the night, emerging the next day at the Temple of Sinawava in Zion.
Zane had to buy appropriate footwear; Gray secretly added Hostess apple and cherry pies to a tin of snacks in his backpack.
When they first met Giovanni at the Chamberlain’s Ranch trailhead, Zane was amused by the guide’s hero worship for the handsome professor he discovered in his newest group of hikers. Gio had read some obscure article Gray had written for the American Journal of Physical Anthropology, and recognized his name immediately. Zane’s amusement had worn thin by the third time the younger man had needlessly touched Gray.
Gio had recently graduated, with a double major in zoology and anthropology. He couldn’t be a minute over twenty-three, and his smoothly muscled skin glowed deep and bronze in the midday sun when he took off his shirt. He had rich, chocolate brown eyes with the longest eyelashes Zane had ever seen, and his black hair was shaggy and stylishly unkempt; it reminded Zane of Tanner. When he smiled effusively at Gray, Zane scowled at the perfect white evenness of his teeth.
God. Zane really couldn’t seem to catch a break.
It didn’t help that Gray stepped so effortlessly into professor mode, a natural teaching ability highlighted in his kind eyes and encouraging smile as he and Gio discussed the local flora and fauna (while Zane wasn’t sure which was plant and which was animal, or if animal was even a choice).
Zane ended up hiking alone, trailing behind them and feeling left out. He missed a good portion of the first several miles stewing in a haze he knew was unadulterated jealousy. For which he felt absolutely ridiculous; Gio was a kid. A gorgeous kid, yes, but Gray wasn’t going to throw Zane over for a twenty-three year old boy with a velvet voice and pretty eyes.
Was he?
Zane was crabby and wet (most of the hike was technically in the riverbed, meaning they were submerged anywhere from ankle to knee for most of the trail), hungry and frustrated. He resented the fact that Gio had effortlessly earned a belly laugh from Gray twice in the last half hour. Actually, he resented a lot of things; the squishy wetness of his socks, the hunger that gnawed at his belly, the headache the loomed behind his left eye. Mostly he resented the firm, shapely ass of the recent collegian in front of him, currently holding Gray’s forearm to help him navigate a boulder mid-stream.
Gio reluctantly left to mingle with the other hikers as they approached the first pass into the gorge. He waved dismissively at Zane, but the smile he directed at Gray was private and soft. Sonofabitch.
Gray was humming a tuneless song when Zane caught up to him. His smile was so brilliant that Zane felt a smattering of guilt; Gray was having the time of his life. And Zane was being an asshole.
“That’s a talented young man,” Gray said, stomping all over Zane’s momentary remorse.
“Mmm,” Zane said noncommittally, pursing his lips.
“What?”
“Nothing.”
“Not nothing, Zane. ” Gray held out a hand to steady him when Zane stumbled in the water. Zane ignored it. Gray stopped, cocking his head. “Are you jealous?”
Zane focused on the river beneath him and the distribution of the weight of the pack on his back. “Nope.”
He kept trudging through the water.
“Yes you are,” Gray said calmly, catching up to him with ease. Stupid graceful handsome fucker.
“No, I’m really not.”
“Mmm hmmm.”
“I’m not!” Zane took a deep breath. The couple in front of them looked over their shoulder at Zane curiously.
“You don’t have to stay with me, you know. I’m probably holding you back, so you just go on ahead and discuss fish and rocks and whatever with the boy wonder. If you want.”
Gray pressed his lips together and Zane had a sneaking suspicion he was hiding a smile.
“Stop smiling.”
Gray held up his hands in defense and schooled his face. “Okay.” His eyes were serious as he watched Zane.
“What now,” Zane sighed.
“Nothing.”
“No, don’t nothing me. Stop looking at me like that.”
“Are you hungry?”
“What?” Zane asked, thrown by the sudden shift in topic.
“You seem like you might need a snack. You’re bitchy.”
Oh. So it wasn’t a change in topic after all, Zane thought grumpily. “No. I’m fine,” he lied.
Zane stepped in a hole beneath the churning water, falling hard into Gray’s side. Gray’s arms wrapped tight around him, keeping him upright. Zane froze when Gray spoke low against his ear. “You can’t possibly be thinking what it seems like you’re thinking, Zane. ”
Zane’s heart fluttered at the words, but he scowled, the sting of rejection and loss still too close, too recent. He shoved Gray’s arms away. “You could’ve fooled me,” he said, a current of bitterness lacing through the words.
They stood in the rushing water staring at each other, the noonday sun beating hot and bright, hurting Zane’s eyes. Or maybe that was Gray’s face, which fell at Zane’s cold tone.
Gray was the first to look away, hesitating before he began walking down the riverbed again.
◆◆◆
Zane was left to stew in his own jealousy-infused juices as they continued down into the gorge. Gray didn’t return to Gio, but he didn’t walk with Zane either. He stayed just out of Zane’s reach, making conversation impossible, had Zane stopped clinging to his own insecurities long enough to attempt it. Zane was trying, really he was. It was torture having to walk behind Gray, watching his graceful movements, knowing with each step he was wasting the precious minutes that they could have been sharing in their exquisite surroundings.
And it was beautiful. Zane had had no idea such natural splendor existed. It was otherworldly. The combination of green, green forest and brightly hued sandstone was enchanting; the face of the canyon walls, shooting high above them, jewel-like where the sun sparkled off the surface.
He suddenly missed Gray’s incessant clicking of the little cardboard camera. That was the moment he stopped feeling sorry for himself and started paying attention to what was right in front of his face. Gray, he noticed, was somber, carefree laughter and quick smiles gone, the line of his shoulders no longer as precise, his brow tense above eyes that carefully avoided looking in Zane’s direction.
He had hurt Gray, and the knowledge sliced through him in a stinging stab of guilt. His stupid petty jealousy had taken Gray’s joyful day and pissed all over it. If he could, Zane would have kicked his own ass. He caught up to the other man just as they entered a dark narrowing of the canyon, an enchanting waterfall waiting at the other end.
The hikers were huddled around Gio, snapping photos of the falls, fairy-like mists rising to evaporate into the fresh green of the trees above. Gio explained that North Fork Falls had been created when, over time, the river had forced a collection of boulders and logs into the bend. Zane came up behind Gray, and quietly placed a hand around his waist.
Gray tensed but he didn’t move away and Zane let out the breath he had been holding. It was painful, navigating the beginning of everything with Gray again; sometimes he forgot how scary and unsure he had been in the first days. Zane was often a coward and sometimes a jerk, but mostly his problem was that he loved absolutely and had a deeply ingrained fear of being left behind.
The group finished their snapshots and continued around the bend in the river, past the falls. Gio waited
at the curve, smiling ahead of him, but still in clear view of Zane and Gray. Zane could practically read the kid’s mind; he had spent enough time with his other paying customers that now he could concentrate on Gray for a while again, without seeming overly attentive. He sighed to himself. Gio was harmless. And Zane was tired of being a dick. He dropped his hand from where it rested on Gray’s hip and stepped back. It was the extent of the permission he could handle giving; Gray could have his nerdy anthropology walk with the handsome young guide. Zane would always be the one waiting at the end of the trail to take Gray home.