“Jesus.” I’m pushing the tears in my eyes back. This is her story, these are her feelings, and I need to let her have them. I never even knew Etta.
“I yelled for him to call 911, before I dove into the pool. When I got out with her, he was still standing there. Our neighbor heard me screaming and called 911. I did CPR on her until the other paramedics got there, begging him to help me, but he just watched. Like he was in a daze, and all I could think was this is what he wanted. A clean slate for his life to go back to the way it was.”
“Do you really believe that?” Because I can’t imagine someone wanting their child dead.
“He never refuted it. Not when I called him out during my counseling sessions after I had a nervous breakdown, and not during the divorce.”
“God, Rowan, I’m so sorry.”
She wipes tears from her face. “It’s made me stronger. I’m much more aware of my mental health, and I’ve kept to myself since all this happened. I spent six-months in an in-patient rehab getting my life back together, and he just went on like nothing happened. I hate him and I don’t think anyone will ever be able to convince me otherwise.”
Wrapping my arms around her, I hold her tight, rocking her back and forth, whispering promises into her ear. I promise to never be like her ex-husband and pray to God I’ll never disappoint her in the ways he did.
Chapter Twenty-Six
Rowan
“This is so cute!”
I love the downtown look of Laurel Springs. We’re in Cutter’s truck driving to The Café, where we’re having breakfast with his family. I’m doing my best to not be sad because I have to leave tonight, but I’m thankful for the time we’ve gotten to spend together.
“Yeah, it is. You know, it’s funny. I’ve spent most of my life wondering why I can’t get out of this town, but now that I’ve been to Paradise Lost and Tuscaloosa, I realize how much I love it here. We have a hometown vibe not many get to have.”
I could see myself living here. I don’t say the words out loud, but I could. The feel of the place is so happy. There aren’t bad memories everywhere I turn. There’s just a chance to make new ones.
He turns on his blinker, groaning. “Looks like everybody and their mama’s here today.”
“What do you mean?” But then I see it, a huge row of cars, trucks, and a couple of Jeeps.
“Mom must have invited the entire LSERT to eat this morning. Don’t touch that door,” he says when he parks, shutting the truck off.
I smile at him as he jogs around the front end, coming over to open my door. He helps me down, and then holding my hand, we walk to the entrance of The Café. There’s a sign on the door proclaiming it’s closed for a private party. He groans again.
It makes me laugh, and I smack him in the stomach. “It’s not that big of a deal, I think it’s sweet that everybody cares enough about you to check me out.”
“I do too,” he admits. “Especially after Katie. I really do have the best family.”
He does, and as I walk into the welcoming faces, I can’t help but want to be a part of it in the worst way. It’s a physical ache that starts in my stomach and works up to my chest, a warmth I haven’t felt in so, so long. At home I feel like I can’t be myself, not with everyone knowing about what I’ve done, and what’s happened to me. Here they don’t have preconceived notions. They get to see the new me, the real me I’ve fostered through years of therapy and a whole lot of willpower.
The faces are a blur as I’m introduced to a lot of people, in addition to the ones I met yesterday. Given the way everyone looks at Cutter with pride in their eyes, they’re happy for him. Obviously he sees himself in a completely different way than the people in his life see him. Immediately I wonder if I’m doing the same thing. Can I not get beyond how people looked at me when I came back to work after my breakdown?
His family has saved us a seat at a large round table, but really it seems as if everyone is family. There are men and women, kids, a few dogs, and they’re all yelling from table to table. I haven’t been in a situation like this where I’ve felt comfortable in years. It always feels like everyone is looking at me, wondering when I’m going to break.
Cutter pulls my seat out for me and motions for me to sit down. I do, only to realize I’m next to Stella. “You’re not gonna kill me, are you?”
She laughs, throwing her head back. “No, I’m not going to kill you, we just won’t ever be able to watch a college football game together, and during the Iron Bowl, please forgive me for anything I say.” She holds out her hand for a shake.
“Deal.”
The longer I’m there, the better I feel. Holden has pulled me into a conversation about my dad. “I semi-retired a few years ago, I want to retire fully, but I’m not sure I’ll ever be able to really do it. Once you’re used to police work and it’s in your blood, it’s hard to let go.”
“That and he just likes bossing people around.” Leigh places a kiss on the top of his head as she puts some plates down on the table. “Stella, can you come help me grab the rest of this? That way we’ll all be able to eat together.”
She stands up, looks around, her gaze eventually landing on me, without a second thought she shoves Keegan into my arms. “Can you hold him for a few minutes? If we let him down he’ll start playing with the pups and then I’ll have to wash his hands again. Thank you!”
Before I can say anything or even react, I’m holding Keegan. This is the first child I’ve held since Etta, and I’m hit with an emotion I never thought I’d have again - contentment. “Hey.” I bounce him on my lap. “Remember me? I’m Rowan.”
He giggles, leaning forward, taking my cheeks in his hands, and then he drops a sticky kiss on my nose. It’s so unexpected, but I giggle along with him, so happy I can have this moment. Cutter sits down next to us, reaching in to tickle his nephew on his stomach.
“What do you think you’re doing, Keeg? Moving in on my girl?”
Keegan reaches for his uncle, and I reluctantly give him up, trying to tell my heart not to skip too many beats now that Cutter’s proclaimed me his girl. The independent woman I’ve been for the last few years should rally against it, should hate that he’s taking slight ownership of me, but I like it. I want to be his, I want him to be mine, and if at all possible, I want to be a part of this amazing family. They’ve shown me my smile again. One I thought I’d lost forever. A small-town in northern Alabama has taught me it’s okay to move on, and finally, I feel like I can.
“I can’t believe you already have to leave.” Cutter kicks at the rocks on the ground. We’re standing in front of his parents’ house, where we’ve been watching movies all afternoon with his brother’s family and his parents. I wasn’t sure how I would feel, but they welcomed me with open arms.
Being with all of them is easier than being with my family. With everything they’ve seen me deal with, at my lowest point ever, and me being ashamed of it. Our relationship has never been the same, and it’s not because of them. It’s because of me.
“I know, but I’ve gotta be at work at six a.m.” I wrap my arms around his neck. “Maybe you can come see me?”
“We get our schedule in the next few days. I hope I’ll be able to work it out.”
“So we’re really gonna be able to do this?” I ask, standing on tiptoe and sneaking in a kiss. “Will we be able to do this long-distance thing?”
“I’m committed if you are.” He holds me tightly. “You fit perfectly in with my life, Ro, I’ve waited years to find a woman like you.”
“Ditto, Cutter.”
My watch beeps, letting me know another hour has passed. It’s another hour that I should have already been on the road, but I’ve ignored it for as long as I can.
“I know, you’ve got to leave.” He tightens his arms around me. “I wish you didn’t have to.”
I wish I didn’t either, but I’m not sure I can say those words to him right now, I’m too emotional. This trip has made me realize what al
l I’m missing in my life, and shown me I can have it right here.
“Call me when you get there and if you stop,” he whispers, kissing my neck. “Love you.”
I smile widely. “Love you, too.”
Always the gentleman, he opens my door, helps me in, and watches as I back out of the driveway. Even in the darkness, I can see him thanks to the motion-detector light on the side of the house, walking down the driveway to watch me as I roll down the street. I get to the stop sign, and there’s an alert from my phone, letting me know I have a text message.
Reaching over, I grab it, seeing that it’s coming from Cutter. Since I’m already at the stop sign, I give myself a few moments, open the message, and sob like the emotional woman I am.
He’s sent me a picture of me and Keegan, right when Keegan reached in to give me that kiss. Downloading and saving it to my phone, I feel a piece of my broken heart slide back together. It isn’t fully intact yet, but it’s getting there, and I have a feeling this town, these people, they are going to be my road to happiness. They are going to pull me out from under this dark cloud following me around.
The only question is, am I strong enough to do what I feel? Am I strong enough to possibly leave my family and start a life in a place where the only person I really know is a man who’s told me he loves me after a few weeks?
I’m still undecided, but leaning more toward yes.
After all, I got married at seventeen, had a baby, lost a baby, lost a marriage, and I’ve come out on the other side. If this doesn’t work out, it won’t break me.
It might very well kill me, but I know I won’t let it break me.
I’ve already been broken and I refuse to fall apart again.
Chapter Twenty-Seven
Cutter
“Is this the for-sure schedule?” I ask my supervisor as I take a look at what our next two weeks look like on the rotation.
“Yeah, I gave you four days off in a row after being down at Paradise Lost. I figured you could use it.”
“Thanks.” I grin at him, already pulling my phone out of my pocket.
Four days off in a row? That means I can head down there if I want to and spend some more time with Rowan. She may not be off, but at least I can be there when she is, and we can continue to get to know one another better.
C: Guess what? I got the lucky shift and I’m off four days in a row after today. I can leave around eight tonight, if you’re willing to put me up?
It doesn’t even take two minutes for her to answer.
R: OMG! YES! Come down here. I get off work at six, so that’s perfect. I can’t wait to see you, even though it’s only been two days.
C: Same, I was missing you in my bed more than I wanted to admit.
R: We’re about to go on a run, but I’ll see you when you get here. Love you, Cutter.
C: Love you, too.
The newness of this hasn’t worn off yet, I still get little pricks of excitement in my stomach when she says she loves me. I hope it never goes away. More than anything I want to be like my parents and the other guys in the LSERT, those that have found love and will do anything to protect it. At all costs is their favorite motto, and I can see why now that I have Rowan in my life.
“Got big plans?” Devante, a new recruit from Atlanta, asks as I get into the ambulance beside him. “Saw you got four days off in a row, you lucky fuck.”
I grin over at him. I like him a lot and hope he stays. “Sometimes you win, sometimes you lose, and right now I’m on a winning streak.”
“Oh get outta here with that, they’re just trying to kiss your ass ‘cause you volunteered to go to Paradise Lost.”
“That ain’t a lie. You coulda volunteered,” I point out.
“Not a member of the LSERT.” He checks the blind spot as we drive around, waiting for a call.
“You could be.”
“Do they take new people?”
“Hell yeah.” I’m confused as to why he wouldn’t think we’d take him. “Shelby, the attorney who helped Tucker and Karsyn? She just signed up for legal advocacy if it’s needed. We’d love to have you, man.”
“It’s just been so weird,” he continues. “Moving here for this job. Coming from a town like Atlanta where there’s a definitely an integrated population, and then coming here.”
Now I get what he’s saying. As one of the only African American members in any of our first responder branches, he’s got to be feeling slightly left out. “I’m not gonna pretend like I know how you feel,” I start, wondering if I wanna go down this road. “Because I’ve always had family around, I’ve never been a minority and I’ve never had to wonder, but I will say the people on this team are some of the best people I know. We would benefit greatly from your expertise, and there is a population of this town who feels as if they aren’t served. You could reach them much better than we can. No offense to you.”
“None taken.” He looks at me, his brows pulled together in a shrewd stare. “You’ve made a good case, Cutter. I might check it out.”
“Do,” I encourage him. “If it’s not for you, then it’s not for you, but at least give it a shot before you decide. If you’re not comfortable checking it out on your own, I’ll take you. I got people,” I laugh.
“You sure do, like the whole fuckin’ police department and half the rest of the town.”
“I can’t help it that my family is huge.”
“Heard you had a woman from Paradise Lost came up to see you.” He wiggles his eyebrows at me.
Gossip in the EMT community runs as rampant as it does in the police department. “I did, she’s a fellow first responder, I met her on the job down there.”
“That’s nice, at least she’s someone who understands when work runs over and you can’t make the date, or you’re late for dinner. It’s hard to find women who are understanding in situations like that.”
“You sound like you speak from experience.”
“There’s a reason I came here from Atlanta, and it most definitely wasn’t the damn signing bonus.”
I want to ask more, but we aren’t that close yet. I don’t want to pry, even though I want to know what happened. He deserves respect and to open up when he feels it’s the proper thing to do.
Our radio goes off, mentioning our ambulance number. I reach over, answering the call.
“Go on.”
“We’ve got an older gentleman with flu-like symptoms.”
They rattle off the address, and we’re heading to the scene. Devante is still unsure of most of the roads here, so when he goes to make a turn that will take us longer, I stop him.
“If you go farther up the road, turn to the left, and then immediately to the right, we’ll take a back alley that’ll get us there quicker.”
“Got it.” He puts the pedal down, both of us feeling the adrenaline in our bodies. My foot is beating a tattoo on the floor and he’s got one hand drumming the steering wheel.
“You see him?” I ask as we pull up to the residence.
“He must be inside.”
We get our stretcher out, as well as our emergency bags, and head up to the front door.
“Hey, my man,” I say as I go inside. “You feel bad? What’s hurting?”
The man answers. “Everything.”
“Let’s get you to the front door so we can get you on a stretcher.”
We help him out and as we get him on the bed, I look over at Devante. “He’s struggling to breathe, this doesn’t look like the flu.”
“Looks tachy,” Devante says as we get him into the back.
“Then we need to get moving, you drive and I’ll handle this.”
Quickly, he helps me get the patient situated and then goes to the front of the ambulance, and off we go. I’m running a machine on him and see that his heart rate is almost two-hundred. “You got heart problems?”
“Not that I know of.”
There are two things I can do in this situation: give him medicine to bring his hear
t rate down, or use pads to shock it back into rhythm. The first thing we always try is the medicine.
“You feeling alright?”
“I hurt all over.”
When I run another report, I see that his heart rate isn’t down any lower than it was to begin with. I’m going to have to hit him with the pads. I get on the radio, calling up the Emergency Room.
“I’m going to use the paddles, but his heart rate doesn’t seem to be coming down yet, be prepared for us.”
“You’re gonna feel like you’ve been punched in the chest,” I warn him. “But this is what we need to do, to make sure we get you better. We’ve got to get you out of this heart rate as soon as we can.”
“Okay,” he gasps. “Do what you have to.”
I can see the fear in his eyes and this is where I wish I could take all the fear away from my patients. I’m only with them for a short period of time, but I don’t want them to be afraid. “Here we go.”
He screams as he’s shocked with fifty joules of electricity, but I can immediately see his heart rate is starting to slow. “I think that did it.”
I radio to the hospital letting them know the heart rate is starting to come down, proud that I’ve been able to help this man, even if I had to hurt to help. We pull into the hospital, transferring his care off to the Emergency Room doctors. It’s always hard to watch your patient leave and not know the outcome. It’s human nature to want to see it through to the end, but we can’t.
Cutter (Laurel Springs Emergency Response Team Book 4) Page 14
