by Holly Jaymes
“Right. I’ll take care of everything on my end. Again, Will, I’m sorry about that divorce comment. It was out of line.”
“Just take care of my people,” I said and hung up.
Book 4: Chapter 25—In Ashes
In Ashes
Adalyn
At work, there was a lot of buzzing and busyness going on in Cal’s office. A meeting we had scheduled between Will’s staff and CTS’s staff was postponed until tomorrow. Deciding it must not be something I needed the details on at this point, I put my head down, my earbuds in to block out noise, and focused on work.
Will told me it was up to me how I wanted to proceed regarding our marriage and this investigation. His coolness about it confused me. Was he really indifferent? Or was he upset but wasn’t going to talk to me about it? I just couldn’t see any other way to protect him, other than to take all the blame.
At the same time, I didn’t want to go. Normally, after a year in a place, I was ready for the next adventure, but I liked it here. I like my job and the people I worked with. I liked living on the East Coast, with its sauna-like summers, and not-so-frigid as Canada winters.
Not long ago, I’d have gone reluctantly, but with an eye to the future. Now, I wanted to fight to stay, because the idea of leaving Will made my chest so heavy I could barely breathe. At the same time, risking his livelihood and freedom was a burden I was finding more and more difficult to carry.
God, I wish I could figure out what to do.
I refocused on my work. Whatever I decided, I needed to get as much of it done as possible, so that it wouldn’t hurt the project. As I checked my work and the timeline, I saw there was a possibility I could finish ahead of schedule. If Stu got his bit done within the next week, I could probably finish around Thanksgiving, in a couple of weeks. I wondered if Mr. Bigalow was in a big hurry to get me out of the country. Most bureaucracies moved pretty slow.
Stu approached my desk. I figured now would be a good time to ask him about his work. I pulled my ear buds out.
“Hey, did you hear all the Sloane people have been hired to CTS?’ Stu asked.
“Really? Why?”
“Sounds like Sloane is withdrawing from the contract.” Stu looked over my shoulder at my work. He nodded toward the screen. “You’re going to need my code soon.”
“Sooner rather than later,” I said. I turned to him. “Why is Sloane withdrawing?”
He looked at me quizzically. “I was coming to ask you. You’re the one that’s sleeping in his bed.”
Except I wasn’t. “We don’t talk shop at home.”
Stu laughed. “I get it. I was a newlywed once. We didn’t talk much in the beginning either. It’s probably no big deal.”
“Are his people upset?” I looked across the workroom, where the Sloane employees worked.
“They don’t seem to be. The contract covers us all anyway, so it probably doesn’t impact anything except the name of the company writing the paycheck.”
I nodded, thinking he was right, but still wondering what was going on. I wanted to call Will, but considering how things were left this morning, I couldn’t imagine we’d fare very well over the phone. He had work to do, as did I. I’d see him soon enough at home.
I wasn’t a big exerciser like Will, but I decided a walk in the crisp November air might help clear out the confusion clouding my brain. When I was finished with my work, I left the office early and headed over to the Mount Vernon Trail near the historic home of George Washington. The paved trail offered a beautiful walk in the trees and along the river. Other walkers, runners, bike riders, and even inline skaters were taking advantage of the clear bright day.
As I walked, I focused on deep breaths to clear out my lungs and brain, but no answers came. Well, no answers that made my life perfect. There were no solutions that would get Mr. Bigalow off my back, a green card to stay in the United States, and Will remaining in my life.
I stopped short as I realized that last wish was the kicker. I wanted to stay in Will’s life. The tall, dark, and often broody man had made a home in my heart and I didn’t want to let him go. I often teased him of being square and uptight, but the truth was he was a good and honorable man. And so amazingly giving.
For once his goodness could get him in trouble. It had to be driving him mad. He loved his country and he believed in his work. And he was risking everything for me. We’d sort of fallen into it, and I’m sure he wasn’t fully aware of all the ramifications when we started this marriage. But now that he was in it, he was sticking by me.
I knew his commitment to this marriage was for the project and protecting his country. It made me wonder about his withdrawing from it. Was that about me, too? Was that another sacrifice he was making for me?
As I walked back to my car, I had no answers. Only more guilt. I drove the rest of the way to his place, stopping to pick up something for dinner. Feeding him was the least I could do.
When I arrived home, I found all the documents he’d discussed with me the night before on the table. A new will. A form to add me to the title of his home. Even paperwork to add me to his bank account. God, I still hadn’t even looked into changing my name.
I looked into his office, where he was working. He turned when he heard me. His face was still expressionless. “I wondered if you left. It’s late.”
“I’m sorry. I went for a walk over by Mount Vernon.”
He nodded. “Nice day for it.”
“I brought stuff for dinner. I’ll go make it up now.” Not waiting for a response, I went back to the kitchen and started cooking. Twenty minutes later, I was serving us another pasta dish. I wondered if he’d think that all I knew how to make was noodles.
I poured us both some wine and then called him for dinner. He strode out, and it was then I noticed that he hadn’t gone for his afternoon exercise. He was still in his white shirt and charcoal slacks.
He sat at the table as I gathered the papers he’d set there and put them in a safe place.
“You’ll need to sign some of those, if you’re staying,” he said.
I closed my eyes, wishing I had the guts to tell him how I was feeling. Why didn’t I? Probably because I knew that it was my feelings for him that was the reason I needed to go.
I sat across from him, and began to move my food around my dish.
“I need to tell you something, Adalyn.”
I looked up at him. I was a strong woman, but I wasn’t sure how much more stress I could take.
“I’ve withdrawn from the CTS joint project.”
I nodded. “I heard.”
He frowned. “Who told you?”
Why? Had it been a secret? “Stu mentioned it.” Taking a breath, I asked, “Is it because of me?”
“Us. It’s because of us. Bigalow must have told someone that I was under investigation.”
I looked at him feeling guilty, although I wasn’t sure why. “What does it matter?”
“I’m being investigated by feds. There was no overt threat to the project, but I figured it would be better to pull out and not have me or my company with it, just to be sure. Now it’s all CTS’s.” He shrugged like it was nothing, but I knew it had to irk him.
“I’m sorry, Will.”
“It’s not that big of deal —”
“It is. All I wanted to do was stay in this country and do the work I love and am good at. And now I’m ruining your life, your company …” This time I couldn’t hold back, and tears flowed, while I cried like a big baby.
“Hey, Adalyn.” He got up from his chair and came to me, pulling me up from mine.
“It’s going to be okay.”
“You don’t know that. This is why I should go. I can’t be the cause of your life falling apart.”
He stiffened and stepped away from me. “If you want to go, go. I won’t stop you.”
I hated when he withdrew from me, but maybe that was what I needed to get the strength to leave. I needed to turn my heart off like he coul
d and just go on with rational thought.
I wiped my tears. “I only need until Thanksgiving to finish the project. If we can make it until then, you get your security program and I can leave before violating my visa, assuming I’m not deported before then.”
He flinched.
“If we say I used you, then you and your company will be safe. Win-win.”
He rolled his shoulders. “If that’s what you want.” He went and sat back down and started to eat. I wanted to scream at him to tell me what he was thinking. Was he pissed that I’d put him at such risk? Was he angry that I was planning to leave? Did he want me to stay?
“I’m not hungry. I’m going to go lay down.”
He watched me, but didn’t stop me as I turned away and headed to my bedroom. I shut the door, and flopped on the bed, burying my face so I could cry undetected. How did I get in this mess? How did I fall in love with a man who could be so sweet and wonderful, and yet so closed off emotionally? Why did Cupid shoot his arrow in my heart if I couldn’t have him because his country wouldn’t let me stay, and he couldn’t leave the life he built to live in my country?
My phone beeped with a text message from my dad. At this point, I figured I’d be leaving the country eventually anyway, so there was no reason to worry about talking to him while he was in Iraq.
How’s married life, Addy?
It sucks. Going great. How are you there? Keeping safe?
Yes. Don’t worry about me. Any chance I’ll be a grandfather soon? I had a thought that might be why there was the quick wedding.
I sighed, remembering Will’s mother had asked about babies, although she hadn’t hinted that I was knocked up. Not yet, dad. I’ll let you know when the time comes.
We texted a bit more. I loved having this connection to him now that I was feeling so utterly alone.
It’s late here, honey. Gotta catch my z’s.
Goodnight, Dad.
I set my phone aside and went into the bathroom to wash up and get ready for bed. It was still early, but there was nothing I wanted to do, and I was so emotionally exhausted. Sleep seemed like the only place I could go to find any rest and peace.
I hid under the covers, letting the dark wash over me as I willed for sleep to take me away. Soon, I was along the river on the Mount Vernon Trail, walking. No, I was running. Mr. Bigalow was chasing me.
“Get out, get out!” he yelled. He was carrying the Statue of Liberty torch, swinging it at me as I tried to get away. What was wrong with my legs? Why couldn’t they move faster?
“I’m going,” I cried out as I looked ahead. Across the river was the Canadian border. I had to get to it before he bashed me with his torch.
“Get out.”
I willed my feet to pick up the pace as he closed in. I looked down and I was in quicksand. No, not quicksand. It was gray. Like ash. In it lay a paper. A contract with Will’s company on it. Burned. It had been burned. I was running in the ashes of Will’s company.
“No! No!” I couldn’t be the cause of his ruin. “No!”
I felt the breeze of the air as the torch swung past my head. “Get out. Get out.”
I was full-out crying as I sank into the ashes. “No, no, no.”
“Adalyn! Wake up, honey. Adalyn!”
Strong, firm hands gripped my arms and gave me a shake. My eyes opened.
“Will.”
His worried eyes watched me. “You were having a nightmare.”
I looked around. I was in the guest room. The clock said midnight. He was in sweats with no shirt.
“Mr. Bigalow was chasing me.”
“That is a nightmare.” He released me, and sat on the edge of the bed.
“He’d burned your company down.” The emotion I’d felt about that in my dream swept through me, and tears fell again.
Will’s eyes softened. “He’ll never hurt my company, Adalyn. I’ll sell it or step down before I’ll let that happen.”
“You shouldn’t, though. You shouldn’t have to choose between me and your company or your life. I’m not worth all that you’re risking.” God, I wish I could stop crying. The tears were like a torrential rain. There was no slowing them down.
“That’s not true.”
“I’ve brought all this trouble into your life. If I told my dad what was going on with my visa, he’d never have sent you to find me, and then you wouldn’t have married me and have all this chaos.”
He nodded. “That’s true.”
My head snapped up. I guess I hoped he’d say something to make me feel better, even though there wasn’t anything to say.
“But then I wouldn’t have gone in a balloon ride over the Vegas desert. Or ridden in an Italian gondola after have a French meal.” He used the thumb of one hand to wipe my tears. “I’d wouldn’t have learned that the marriage license office in Vega was open until midnight.”
I pulled my lips in, trying not to smile. This was no happy matter. Why was he trying to ease my distress?
“You shouldn’t be trying to cheer me up.”
“Why not?”
“Because this is serious, Will.”
He let out a loud laugh that startled me and then charmed me. I never saw Will laugh very much. Not like this.
“You’re asking me to be serious? Me? Mr. Stick in the Mud?”
“You know what I mean. You could lose so much.”
His eyes stared into mine, like he could see right into my soul. It sent a sensation I couldn’t name through my entire body.
“Bigalow can make my life hard. He might even try to put me in jail, but don’t underestimate me, Adalyn.”
I pressed my hands to his face, needing to touch him. “I don’t want my problems to hurt you. I want to protect you.”
He looked at me for a moment. “Is that why you keep threatening to leave?”
I shook my head vehemently. Did he really take it as a threat? “I’m not threatening, Will. I’m trying to find a way that I don’t mess up your life any more than I have. You’ve done so much and you’ve received nothing from me. Except my gratitude, but it’s not quite the same.”
“There’s more to life than money and stuff, which is all I’ve given, Adalyn.”
“Is that an Internet quote?”
He shook his head. “It’s something my father told me. He worried that my new found wealth would be wasted or taken advantage of. And he was right. Most people who look at me see dollar signs. Did you know that most first dates I’ve had, never got to the second one?”
“What? Why?” What was wrong with these women?
“Because I took my father’s words to heart. I decided that for first dates, I wouldn’t take women out to fancy places or spend a lot of money. We’d do simple things, like go for a walk, maybe to a museum. And, well, you already know that I’m not the most interesting guy —”
“You are, Will.” I shook his face. “I think you’re wonderful.”
He smiled, like he was pleased with my assessment. “The point is, these first dates proved my father was right. These women didn’t want interesting experiences. They didn’t want to know me.”
“You would weed out women who were unworthy?” I asked.
“Yes. Our first date was coffee.”
I smiled. “I would have gone on a second one, if you asked.”
His eyes drifted to my lips, lingering there and making me wonder if he wanted to kiss me.
Finally, his gaze drifted back up. “I know. That’s why I have no problem spending the money that needs to be spent to help you stay.”
My heart did a little flip flop in my chest.
“The money is nothing compared to the adventure and fun you’ve given me.”
“What about the possibility of jail?”
He laughed although I hadn’t been joking. “I don’t like that part. My point is, I do get something from this arrangement.”
He called it an arrangement. Not a relationship. I was in love with him, that I was sure of now. While I c
ould see he cared about and respected me, this wasn’t a relationship to him. Of course, it wasn’t. He was clear from the beginning that he wasn’t interested in that.
“I don’t want to go, Will,” I said, coming to terms with the reality of our situation. “But I don’t want to hurt you either.”
“Why don’t you let me decide what I can take or can’t take?”
“Will you be honest with me? Will you say, ‘Adalyn, I can’t risk my company or my freedom.’”
“If I feel like that, yes.”
“Promise me, Will,” I said, leaning in closer so he’d see how serious I was.
Again, his gaze moved to my lips. “I promise.”
And then his mouth consumed mine.
Book 4: Chapter 26—Slow is Better
Slow is Better
Will
When I heard Adalyn scream, my heart stopped. I bolted from bed, my legs moving faster than I could ever remember them going. What the hell could be wrong? My building was secure, so it seemed unlikely we had an intruder. The only thing I could think of was Bigalow had sent his henchmen in the middle of the night to deport her.
I burst through her door, busting the hardware from the doorjamb. She was crying out and writhing in bed. Thank God, it was just a nightmare.
I pulled her up by her arms, calling her name. I didn’t breathe until her eyes popped open and she was with me again.
Once I determined she was okay, I should have just left her there. What I shouldn’t have done was kiss her. Our lives were complicated enough without adding the challenges of a relationship on top of it. And yet, I couldn’t not kiss her.
When she’d initially talked about leaving, I had a sense that she didn’t want me to be bothered by her problems, but mostly I felt like she wasn’t appreciative of all I’d done and was willing to do. But tonight, as she shared her dream and her reasoning behind leaving, I realized she wasn’t just trying to protect me, or feeling buried under the weight of the burden she was feeling. She felt unworthy. That was on me. Of course, she was worthy of anything I could do to help her.
She also felt the balance of risk and sacrifice was off, but I didn’t feel that way. I meant what I said about the money. I liked having it, of course, but I knew its limitations. As the saying went, you couldn’t buy happiness. I, and my brothers, would spend all that we had to bring my father back, if only God would let us. See, money had limitations.
