by Taryn Quinn
“You can bring down one of your friends.”
She looked up at me with her arms full of Care Bears. “But Ally.”
“We’re going to make pancakes. It gets too…” I trailed off when she dropped three out of the four in her arms and ran for the door. “Sticky.” I crossed my arms. “Laurie?”
She halted. “Yes?”
“Is that how you treat your toys?”
She scrunched up her face and hugged Share Bear tighter. “Um, yes?”
“I don’t think so.”
She sighed dramatically. “Okay, but only because I should put my friends on my bed.” She set Grumpy Bear and Leo on the bed. “There, just like Daddy.”
“Grumpy?”
“No. Friends in bed. All snuggled like you and Daddy.”
My eyes widened and I choked. “Uh, let’s go downstairs, okay?”
“Okay. Can we have chocolate chip pancakes?”
“How about banana?”
She put Share Bear in a headlock as we neared the stairs. “Ohh. I’ve never had those before.”
“Never? We need to fix that ASAP. How about banana with peanut butter?”
She squinted up at me. “I don’t know. That sounds gross.”
“Banana and Nutella?”
“Now we’re talking.”
I laughed and took her hand as we went down the stairs. “Sounds like a plan.”
When we got downstairs, I pulled out the ingredients for pancakes. I’d been with Seth when he picked out all the things for his kitchen. I knew where almost everything was.
Well, except the cinnamon evidently.
I opened doors and backtracked to the pantry.
“What are you looking for?”
“Cinnamon.”
“Oh.” Laurie zoomed out of the kitchen into the hallway. She came back with a white bag full of supplies. She couldn’t quite lift it, so she dragged it along the floor. “Daddy went to the store for cookies stuff.”
“Thank goodness for Daddy,” I murmured as I moved forward to reach for the bag.
“I got it.”
I held up my hands in surrender. “All right.” Still watching her, I pulled down the cast iron skillet and started the bacon.
She huffed and I prayed the bag wouldn’t explode as she dragged it over the threshold and over every grout line of tile. When she stopped in front of me with the biggest smile ever, I decided right then and there I’d have cleaned up five pounds of flour and sugar for her without complaint.
“When did you get to be such a big girl?”
“I’m four, silly.”
“You sure are.”
She looked up at me with the bag straining from her fingers. “Okay, you can have it now.”
I lifted the bag onto the island counter. “In fact, you’re such a big girl, I’m going to make you help me with the mixer.”
“You are?”
“Yep. Where’s your chair?”
She zipped away again to get the little chair Seth had bought so she could help him cook. How many times had we cooked dinner with her? A dozen. More?
Had to be more.
And yet Laurie seemed even taller now. She was growing out of her baby face and chubby legs and arms. My eyes misted. She wasn’t even mine, but I was mourning the loss of the baby I’d helped raise.
The nights when Seth was beside himself with worry, the triumphs, and even the meltdowns. I’d been here with him more than not.
Until my mom had taken a turn for the worse. There had been little room for anything other than her at the end and I’d missed out on a lot with Laurie. I didn’t realize how much I’d missed this little girl until now.
She pushed the chair beside me and climbed up on it, then held up her hand. “Oh. Forgots.”
She clambered down and I had to stop myself from helping her as her feet dangled before she dropped to the floor. Instead, I busied myself with flipping the bacon and pulling off more strips from the package.
I tightened my hold on the tongs when she skimmed too close to the counter. She was so very independent. Allowing her to do things for herself was one of the hardest things I’d had to learn. She made a beeline for the far wall. There were two adult height hooks with a black and a white apron on each, then a shorter one adorned with fairy wings that held a smock and two child-sized aprons. One purple with yellow flowers and a hot pink one with white butterflies.
Laurie went right for the pink.
I grinned and followed her. “Think your Daddy would mind if I borrowed his?”
“No. Just don’t touch Unca Ollie’s black ones. He no like people touching his stuff.”
I grabbed one of the white ones and looped it over my head. Seth was quite a few inches taller than me, so I had to tuck it up a little higher before wrapping the strings around my waist.
Laurie pulled the pink strap over her head and twisted around in circles to try and get the ties around the back. After she made three rotations, she finally huffed. “Can you help me?”
I laughed and crouched down in front of her. “Of course. Turn around.”
She spun around and lifted her hair out of the way. She smelled of baby shampoo and watermelon. I dragged her in for a quick squeeze and tickle. She giggled until I lifted her to set her on the chair.
“I can do it!”
“I know you can, but I need to get you in front of the mixer real quick. Your dad is going come down as soon as he smells bacon and coffee.” I reached for the coffeemaker that was always full and ready to go in the morning. One thing Seth never skimped on was his java.
Laurie wrinkled her nose. “Coffee is gross.”
“Coffee is heaven, but it’s not for little girls.”
“I’m a big girl.”
“Yes, but not quite big enough for coffee.”
She made a little humming sound. “I don’t want it anyway.”
“Coffee is mana from heaven.”
The deep voice behind me made my skin instantly flush. Seth slipped his arms around my waist and dragged me back against him. He tucked his chin into my neck. “I thought I liked the T-shirt, but those boxers are giving me ideas.”
Right then, I was very glad I had an apron on. I elbowed him and Laurie giggled.
“Hi, Daddy.”
“Hi, Munchkin. What are you making?”
“We’re gonna make nana pancakes,” she said.
“Banana pancakes? I could go for those.” He flicked his finger under the apron and stroked across my belly. “Are you having a craving maybe?”
I rolled my eyes and slipped out of his arms. I felt weird cuddling with him in front of Laurie. Weird because I wanted it so very badly.
Her eyes tracked over us and a lopsided smile tugged at her lips. “Daddy has scruffles.”
I slid my palm over my neck. “He does.”
“You have red marks all over. Did Daddy play tickle monster with you?”
Seth snorted and covered his laugh by turning toward the bacon on the stove.
“Don’t eat all of the bacon.” I glanced over my shoulder and sure enough he had a piece in his mouth.
“Just one.”
I moved to Laurie and poured flour and cinnamon into the mixer.
“I can do it!”
I winced. “Sorry, kiddo. You can crack the eggs. Hang onto your chair.”
“M’kay.”
I swung over to the fridge for supplies and with my arms full, I couldn’t avoid Seth’s ambush. He cupped my face and settled a soft kiss on my lips. He tasted like toothpaste and bacon and all of that was wrapped in his toasted sugar scent.
“Daddy!” Laurie’s giggle filled the room.
“Sorry.” He turned and did the same to his daughter, you know, without the tongue part though.
My system had little time to readjust from the highest highs of touching him, and sleeping with him all night, and now to domesticity. It was all so jarring. I’d been careful not to allow our interactions in front of Laurie to be too
familiar and now it seemed like every boundary was gone.
Was it just my imagination? Or maybe I just wanted it that way.
“Ally, hungry.”
“Right.” I blinked out of my stupid overthinking moment and grabbed the bananas on my way by. I dumped all the fixings on the counter and went to work teaching Laurie how to make banana pancakes.
By the time we were done, we were covered in flour and my arms were dusted in cinnamon. The three of us soon figured out a system for the pour, flip, and finish of each silver dollar pancake.
Seth stole a kiss when I passed him the cup of Nutella.
“Hey. None of that.”
He leaned down with a smile and nibbled at the corner of my mouth. “Was just getting the bit of chocolate there.”
“Uh huh.” I flicked out my tongue to find he’d actually been telling the truth.
“Don’t tease a man. I have other things I want to do with that tongue.”
My stomach jittered and my heart pounded. Before he could lean down again—and God, did I want him to—Laurie yelled from the dining room for the chocolate spread.
“Coming,” Seth said against my mouth.
“Not yet.”
His smile slid from sweet to calculating. “Oh, I’ll fix that soon enough.”
“Daddy!”
I laid my hand against his chest. “Go on. We’ll finish later.”
“Oh, you will. Again and again.”
I swallowed as he backed through the swinging door. I quickly washed my sticky hands and grabbed the bacon to follow him when I caught the telltale colors of our high school on an envelope stuffed in the napkin holder on the counter.
I set the bacon down and slid the card out. Seth’s bold checkmark was the first thing I saw. I scanned upward and my stomach pitched.
Reunion.
God, how could it be ten years already?
Ten years and I’d done absolutely nothing.
I dropped the invitation and had to curl my fingers into my palm. For God’s sake, they were shaking.
Seth pushed his way back into the kitchen. “What’s taking you so long? Your pancakes are going to be ice-cold.”
I looked up at him.
“Hey. Are you okay?” He rushed forward and slid his hand along my hip.
“Fine. Just gotta get the bacon.”
He frowned down at me. “I know that fake smile. That’s the one you give Patty Duncan when she’s gossiping.”
“It’s nothing.”
His gaze slid down to the counter. “I forgot, I was going to mention that to you. I wasn’t sure if they were forwarding mail to your new place. I gave Jill your new address, but I wasn’t sure if you got the invite.” He stroked his thumb over the raised type on the card. “I’m excited to see everyone.”
“Yeah, definitely.” My voice was flat, and I had to tamp down my astonished laugh. No way did I want to go back and see those people.
High school held a lot of crappy memories for me. My mom being sick on and off, along with generally just feeling as if I didn’t fit in. I’d never really come to terms with being the best friend of one of the most popular guys in school. Not that Seth tried to win over people. He just attracted them without effort.
Basically, he was the anti-me in so many ways.
He picked up the bacon. “Yeah, Brad and JT texted me. They’re coming in from California. The Three Musketeers ride again. Come on, let’s eat.”
“Right.” I followed him and tried to shake off the dread filling my chest.
Seth set the bacon down as he filched another piece. “Hey, Munchkin. Did I ever tell you that Ally and I went to school together?”
Laurie was nibbling around a misshapen pancake on her fork. A ring of chocolate stained her lips. “Mmm. Big kid’s school? Or like me.”
“Half-day pre-K is almost big kid’s school.” I smiled. “We went to high school together. You’ll go to high school in about forty years.”
Laurie’s mouth rounded and I laughed.
“Not quite forty, but close. Don’t want you to grow up too fast, munchkin.” He took a bite from his plate and popped another piece of bacon in his mouth. “These are really good.” Then he pushed his chair in so he could round the table to go to the hutch.
My stomach dropped as he licked his fingers and pulled out the yearbook standing beside his senior picture. He still loved looking back on those glory days.
“God, you still have that?”
He grinned and sat down at the table. He pushed plates out of the way and flipped pages. “Of course I do.” He spun the book to show his daughter. “Do you remember Daddy’s friends? Brad and JT?”
Laurie cocked her head. “I don’t think so.”
He was grinning down at the picture of the lacrosse team. I remembered how amazing he looked on the field. All those muscles and aggression wrapped in a boy becoming a man.
And now he was so much more than the cocky kid on the field.
And me? Not so much. I was stuck in the same place as if ten years hadn’t gone by at all.
Before I could stop it, I blurted out my disbelief. “You really want to see all of them again? All those judgy people.”
He laughed and looked up from the pages. “Well, most of them are still in town with us. Not like it’s a big deal. Besides, let them judge me. I have everything I could want.” He swiped his hand over Laurie’s head then tickled behind her ear.
Laurie grinned around a slice of banana.
I stabbed at my pancake and forced down a few bites. Of course he did. All the things he wanted were right in front of him.
And me? I was looking in on the world again. The almost family behind glass. I was good enough to make a baby with him, and to help take care of his daughter, but I wasn’t part of them. Not really.
He flipped the page. “Oh, man. Remember those letters we had to write to our future selves? God. I don’t even remember what I wrote.”
I certainly did and it made everything worse.
I pushed back from the table and picked up empty plates. I’d barely eaten, but my stomach was twisting so much I couldn’t choke down any more. “Done, sweetie?”
Laurie was poking at the banana on her plate instead of eating. She set her fork on her plate with a nod.
Seth didn’t look up from the glossy pages. “I got it. You cooked. I can clean up.”
I nodded. “Okay. I need to go upstairs and get dressed.”
“What?” He stood, closing the book. “Why? I thought we were going to hang out today.”
“I didn’t agree to that. I have to work. As it is, I’ll probably catch he—um, heck—for being late.”
He glanced down at his watch. “You don’t usually go in until ten.”
I swallowed. I couldn’t be around him right now. Too many memories were bumping into my pathetic reality. “I need a shower and to get ready.”
He sighed. “Are you sure you can’t call in?”
“Some of us don’t have that luxury.”
Seth blew out a breath. “Dammit, you know I didn’t mean it that way.”
“Dollar to the swear jar!” Laurie chirped happily.
I wiped my fingers on my napkin and pressed a kiss on top of Laurie’s head. “You tell him, kiddo. Thanks for helping me cook this morning.”
She grinned up at me with chocolate smeared all over her face. “Thankie, Ally.”
“Daddy will wash your face.” I gave him a pointed look and escaped.
Not that I got too much of a head start. Five minutes later, he was bounding upstairs with The Care Bears blaring from the living room.
I’d slipped into my dress from the night before. Hello, walk of shame.
“Do you really have to go?”
“I do.” I didn’t want to turn and look at him. He was too good at making me forget just what this was between us. I had to remind myself that we weren’t a happy little family.
No matter how much I wanted it to be so.
; He crossed to me. “Can you come back tonight?”
“I’m tired, Seth.”
He tugged me close and linked his arms around me. “We have babymaking to accomplish.”
One more reminder. Thanks, buddy.
I pushed out of his arms. “Can we take tonight off?”
“Is everything okay?” He slid his fingers into my hair and turned me toward him.
“Fine. I’m just tired. Someone didn’t let me sleep last night.” Please don’t see my fake smile. Just let me get out of here.
“I’d really like to not let you sleep again tonight.” He tipped up my head and pressed a kiss on my lips.
I closed my eyes and almost let myself slide back into him. Back into the status quo we found without skipping a beat.
I cupped his face and ended the kiss, reluctantly opening my eyes. “Maybe tomorrow, okay?”
He sighed and pressed his forehead to mine. “All right. I have a ton of meetings this week anyway. I guess I should get ready for them. The birthday party kind of took over.”
“See? Perfect.” I swallowed down the lump in my throat and stepped back. “I’ll text you later.”
He frowned and twisted his fingers around mine. “All right.”
Grabbing my purse, I strode out of the room and jogged downstairs. I didn’t wait for him. I couldn’t.
Not if I really wanted to leave.
I stopped in and said goodbye to Laurie, but she barely looked away from the screen. The Care Bears were far too enthralling.
He followed me to the door and dragged me back before I could go down the front porch steps. The kiss was hot and heavy and the lump in my throat grew even larger. So much that I thought I was actually going to choke.
I wouldn’t cry. It wasn’t his fault I didn’t know how to keep up with how things were supposed to be.
I wasn’t supposed to want more.
I pulled back and smiled. “I’ll see ya.”
His smile was soft and sweet and it took everything inside me not to let the tears brim over. “See ya tomorrow.”
“Sure.” I turned to leave and he snagged my hand.
“Hey. The munchkin’s graduation?”
God, I’d almost forgotten. “Of course. I wouldn’t miss it.”
“Are you okay?” His eyebrows lowered.
