To the infertility warriors who taught me so much about the true meaning of community. Your courage made me brave. Your resilience made me strong. Thank you for being a light in one of the darkest seasons of my life.
To my family. Mom, thank you for everything. There are not enough pages in this book to adequately express how much I love you. You believed in me long before I ever believed in myself. Thank you for raising me to care deeply for others and value the importance of community. To my sister, Dr. Caroline Franke—you inspire me more than you will ever know. Thank you for assisting me with research as I set out to write this book. This world is a better place simply because you are in it.
To Mom-mom for bringing us all together and for watching over us still. I love you and miss you every single day. To my grandfather, Frank Pipkin, for teaching me the importance of faith and service to others. To see God through your eyes is to truly know Him. To my dad, Robin, my stepmother, Monica, and my little brother, Conor. I love you all so much. To the entire Pipkin crew—Mark, Karl, Stephanie, Matthew, Kate, and Christopher. Thank you for helping to shape me into the person that I am today. To Melissa, Hugh, Carter, Adriana. Thank you for raising the love of my life and for welcoming me into the Hayes family with open arms. To my son, Huey, you have changed me forever. Thank you for making me a mama.
And most important, to Jesus. You commanded us to love our neighbors and to put others before ourselves. My greatest hope is that throughout my life and my work, I do precisely that.
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ABOUT THE AUTHOR
Natalie Franke is one of the founders of the Rising Tide Society—a community of over 70,000 creative entrepreneurs who gather in more than 400 cities around the world in the spirit of community over competition. She took a hashtag (#communityovercompetition) and turned it into a movement and a vibrant community that now spans the globe. Natalie currently lives in Annapolis, Maryland, with her husband and son and serves as the Head of Community for HoneyBook and Rising Tide, leading a team of world changers in the pursuit of empowering the creative economy to rise together doing what they love.
READING GROUP GUIDE
CHAPTER 1: BUILT FOR BELONGING
“Cooperation and competition are a delicate balancing act wired directly into our genetic code. We are built to belong, and yet we are also created to compete. We are constantly at war with ourselves, and it doesn’t take much for the balance of power to shift.”
Why do you think the dichotomy between cooperation and competition exists? Why is it so difficult to overcome our tendency toward competition?
“In our pursuit of being the best, we lose sight of being our best. Slowly we trade interdependence for independence, we choose personal successes over the collective good, and we begin to believe the narrative that it is us versus them.”
Discuss the difference between interdependence and independence. What are the pros and cons of each?
CHAPTER 2: MODERN TIMES, MODERN PROBLEMS
“When we are young, we learn about taking turns, sharing, getting along, encouraging others, and being kind; however, as we grow older, a slight shift occurs, and ‘winning’ becomes more of a priority.”
What do you think are the reasons behind this shift? Can you identify when it took place in your own life?
“To fill the void that loneliness leaves in our hearts, we confuse consumption with connection.”
What are the dangers of confusing consumption with connection?
CHAPTER 3: THE RISING TIDE
“A rising tide lifts all boats.”
Discuss this idea. What are some ways we can retrain our brains to view our competitors as those who can also do the most to support us and lift us up?
“All relationships—personal or professional—succeed or fail based on that simple principle: How do you make people feel? Does each interaction feel transactional or relational?”
People remember how you treat them and how you make them feel. Why do you think we’ve become a society in which transactional interactions are more common or more respected than relational ones?
CHAPTER 4: PEOPLE FIRST, OPPORTUNITY SECOND
“If someone else won a race in the short term, it didn’t mean that I lost in the long term.”
Why do you think we’ve been conditioned to believe that if someone else wins it means we lose? How can we challenge that idea?
“What if by simply being in the arena with someone else, you could be better at whatever it is that you do? Psychologists refer to this phenomenon as “social facilitation,” and they have been studying it since the close of the nineteenth century.”
Discuss the concept of social facilitation and how we can use it not to try to beat our competitors but to improve upon our own abilities?
CHAPTER 5: MASTERING OUR MINDSETS
“We have a tendency to prefer and respond more favorably to people who are members of our own social group through a practice known as ingroup favoritism. Additionally, we tend to see people who belong to the same social group as more similar than they are in reality, and we tend to judge people from different social groups as more different from us than they are in reality.”
What are some of the downfalls of only associating with people who are similar to us? What kinds of enriching relationships are we missing out on when we refuse to expand beyond our own circle?
“Wherever there are limited resources, albeit objectively scarce or perceived to be scarce, humans shift from being open and altruistic to self-preserving and self-serving.”
Where is the false narrative in this idea? In our communities, where is there abundance to be found where we once believed there was scarcity?
CHAPTER 6: DIGITAL TOGETHERNESS
“There is a difference between enabling social media to be a gateway for comparison and empowering yourself to use it as a vehicle for deep connection.”
What are some ways that social media and technology are causing us to be more disconnected from one another than ever before? Conversely, what are some ways that social media can be a useful tool (used responsibly) for building authentic community and creating genuine connection across the world?
“Seeking to understand the online and offline integration of our lives requires us to identify the ways in which these worlds are woven together, thereby forcing us to intentionally seek out better ways to leverage technology for the benefit of ourselves and others.”
In many ways, interaction with technology and social media in some form is unavoidable in our twenty-first-century society. How do we then manage our use of it in healthy ways? How can we use it to our advantage and not let it control us?
CHAPTER 7: VULNERABILITY IS NOT A BUZZWORD
“I had to surrender my sense of normalcy and relinquish my perception of control without a clear end in sight.”
Have you ever had to do this? What was that experience like? What did you learn from it?
“Along the way, I’ve learned that vulnerability isn’t a destination. There is no arriving, only becoming.”
Discuss this idea. Why is it important to be vulnerable with others in your community?
CHAPTER 8: FITTING IN IS OVERRATED
“In the process of growing up, we trade an innocent confidence in who we are for a fear about what makes us inadequate or different in the eyes of others.”
What are some ways we can fight back against this trend? How can we raise the next generation to maintain that confidence and sense of worth throughout their lives?
“Sometimes we overlook what we have to offer this world because we fail to see the extraordinary in what we’ve been conditioned to believe is ordinary.”
What are some areas of your life that you’ve begun to view as “ordinary” that are actually quite extraordinary?
CHAPTER 9: STRONGEST IN THE STRUGGLE
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�In order to strengthen our resilience, we must be open and willing to tear down those narratives that tell us to go at it alone. We must open our eyes to the outstretched arms all around us. We must be willing to give and to accept help.”
Why is this so hard, and why could this feel counterintuitive?
“So often we think of relationships as something that stems from seasons of prosperity, but I truly believe that community is strongest in the struggle. It is strengthened by shared experience and is designed to be our safe place to land.”
Why is it especially necessary to surround ourselves with a strong community during our season of struggle, even when we might feel like pulling away?
CHAPTER 10: OVERCOMING COMPARISON
“Comparison isn’t just the thief of joy—it’s the plunderer of purpose, the burglar of belonging.”
What are some ways that we can break free from the comparison trap?
“The underlying truth is that social comparison is a hardwired part of the human experience and in its simplest form is an innate act of self-evaluation. In order to understand how we are performing in life, our brain looks to others as a benchmark.”
To a certain extent, comparing and evaluating ourselves to others is a natural part of our self-evaluation—but it’s a fine line. When can comparison become more harmful than helpful?
CHAPTER 11: FINDING YOUR PEOPLE
“Sometimes we cannot quite envision how our lives will change when we disrupt our daily routine to try something new.”
When has this been true in your own life? How has your life changed since you disrupted your usual habits? What are some ways you can get out of your comfort zone right now?
“When you step into your search for community unsure of who you are and weighed down by insecurities, you’re more likely to change yourself to fit in rather than seeking a place where you are accepted for who you truly are.”
Are there any safeguards you could put in place to help recognize when you may be tempted to change yourself to better fit within a community?
CHAPTER 12: COMMUNITY BUILDING 101
“A community is only as great as its leaders. The leaders of your community will directly shape the culture and the way members feel as they join and engage in the organization.”
What are some qualities and skills that you admire in leaders? How can you foster those ideals in yourself and members of your community/organization?
“We have control over the traditions that we are a part of in our lives and communities. We do not need to repeat traditions that no longer serve us. We can create new ones that are in deeper alignment with our purpose.”
Choose a tradition that you participate in to analyze. Is it still positively serving its purpose and bringing meaningful experiences to those involved? What could new or updated traditions look like?
CHAPTER 13: REJECTION AND REDEMPTION
“As humans, we are imperfect beings. Even with pure intentions, we are capable of causing harm. Even when we strive to create spaces of belonging, we run the risk of doing the opposite.”
What are some ways, both positive and negative, that you have handled rejection in the past? What did you learn from that experience?
“Forgiving doesn’t mean forgetting. Forgiving means moving forward, and it is a profound gift that we give to ourselves.”
Forgiveness is something that a lot of people struggle with, even when the result is positive. Why do you think this is? Where are these incorrect definitions of forgiveness coming from?
CHAPTER 14: THE TRUE ROI OF COMMUNITY
“Behind every successful human being is a person or people who introduced them to their power and potential. Connection and collaboration are the keys to developing into the people we were always meant to be.”
Ask these questions while thinking over your own life: Who affirmed your self-esteem and built your confidence? Who nurtured your resilience and modeled perseverance in your life? Who sacrificed for you? Who still sacrifices for you?
“Hardships big and small are solved by the collective efforts of the community. People helping people, ensuring that no one has to face this life alone.”
What are some ways that you can enthusiastically rally around those in your life?
Praise for BUILT TO BELONG
“Natalie challenges us to change our perspectives on business and relationships. If you have a narrative in your head that the other person is your competition and not your friend, that soundtrack is going to encourage you to miss so many new opportunities. Natalie confronts the scarcity and competition mentality head-on in a way that proves there’s plenty to go around.”
—Jon Acuff, bestselling author of Soundtracks
“A call to arms—heart is always more valuable than hustle, and community is always more important than competition. Natalie inspires us to lean into vulnerability and paints a vision for how you can link arms in business and friendship.”
—Emily Ley, bestselling author of Growing Boldly
“A countercultural must read! Business is all about relationships, and yet we are often in crazy, cutthroat competition with one another. Natalie reminds us that it doesn’t have to be that way! We can be successful women with drive and ambition AND still make people our priority.”
—Lindsay Teague Moreno, bestselling author of Boss Up!
“This message is one the world desperately needs right now. With a heart-on-sleeve style of storytelling, Natalie doesn’t hold back—her words are raw, rich, and necessary for anyone who feels like they’re wrestling with belonging. Natalie takes you by the hand to guide you with her wisdom and vulnerability. If you’re longing for a shift in the way you see and find community, this book is a beautiful first step.”
—Hannah Brencher, author of Fighting Forward
“Riveting. Relevant. Radical. In a world where people are challenged by the vicissitudes of life and the virus of loneliness, along comes a message in the bottle that simply says we belong. Every organization that believes people are more important than profit should consider this book required reading. I am going to recommend it to every leader, individual, organization that I know. A timeless classic that has arrived in the nick of time.”
—Dr. Simon T. Bailey, executive coach, author, and thought leader
“Natalie Franke is a champion of people—people over perfection, people over performance, people over competition. Built to Belong is both practical and inspirational—an important read for creatives and business leaders about why we should link arms, and the amazing gift of community over competition.”
—Jess Ekstrom, author of Chasing the Bright Side
“If you want to make a greater impact and find more meaning in life, don’t do it alone. Tap into the power of the collective. Natalie’s calls to action in Built to Belong are the perfect blueprint to widen and deepen your relationships so you can grow your community, business, and heart.”
—Antonio Neves, author of Stop Living on Autopilot
“An engaging and inspiring read that makes plain the power that genuine human connection can have on our lives and businesses; a fact I’ve personally witnessed in Natalie’s work as head of community at HoneyBook | Rising Tide. The book is an important reminder that we can go further and reach our goals faster when we go together.”
—Oz Alon, CEO of HoneyBook
NOTES
CHAPTER 1
1. Cacioppo J. T., J. H. Fowler, and N.A. Christakis. “Alone in the Crowd: The Structure and Spread of Loneliness in a Large Social Network.” Journal of Personality and Social Psychology 97, no. 6 (2009): 977–91. DOI:10.1037/a0016076.
2. Cacioppo J. T., and S. Cacioppo. “Older Adults Reporting Social Isolation or Loneliness Show Poorer Cognitive Function 4 Years Later.” Evidence-Based Nursing 17, no. 2 (2014): 59–60. DOI: 10.1136/eb-2013-101379.
3. Holt-Lunstad, J., T. B. Smith, and J. B. Layton. “Social Relationships and Mortality Risk: A Meta-Analytic Review.” PLoS Medicine 7 no. 7 (201
0). DOI:10.1371/journal.pmed.1000316.
4. Winerman, Lea. “By the Numbers: An Alarming Rise in Suicide.” Monitor on Psychology 50 no. 1. American Psychological Association, January 2019. https://www.apa.org/monitor/2019/01/numbers.
5. Gawande, Atul. “Hellhole: The United States Holds Tens of Thousands of Inmates in Long-Term Solitary Confinement. Is This Torture?” New Yorker, March 30, 2009. https://www.newyorker.com/magazine/2009/03/30/hellhole.
6. Senate Judiciary Subcommittee on the Constitution, Civil Rights, and Human Rights Hearing on Solitary Confinement. Testimony of Professor Craig Haney, June 19, 2012. https://www.judiciary.senate.gov/imo/media/doc/12-6-19HaneyTestimony.pdf.
7. McCain, John. “John McCain, Prisoner of War: A First-Person Account,” U.S. News & World Report, January 28, 2008. https://www.usnews.com/news/articles/2008/01/28/john-mccain-prisoner-of-war-a-first-person-account.
8. Kozar, Richard, John McCain (Philadelphia, Chelsea House Publishers,2002) 53.
9. Blanco-Suarez, Elena. “The Effects of Solitary Confinement on the Brain.” Psychology Today, February 27, 2019. https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/brain-chemistry/201902/the-effects-solitary-confinement-the-brain.
CHAPTER 2
1. Campbell, Benjamin. “A Neuroanthropological Perspective.” Evolutionary Anthropology 21, no. 5 (2012):187. DOI:10.1002/evan.21328.
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