Chapter XLIV
"----but to stick to my route 'Twill be hard, if some novelty can't be struck out. Is there no Algerine, no Kamschatkan arrived? No plenipo-pacha, three-tail'd and three wived? No Russian, whose dissonant, consonant name Almost rattles to fragments the trumpet of fame?
POSTSCRIPT. By-the-bye, have you found any friend who can construe That Latin account, t'other day, of a monster? If we can't get a Russian--and that story in Latin Be not _too_ improper, I think I'll bring that in."
MOORE.
A few mornings after this colloquy with his uncle, Newton was very busyperambulating the streets of London, in search of various requisites forhis trip to India, when his hand was seized before he had time to call tomind the features of the party who shook it with such apparent warmth.
"My dear Mr Forster, I am so delighted to see you, so happy to hear of yourgallant adventure with the French squadron. Mrs Plausible will be quitepleased at meeting her old shipmate; she often talks about you. I must makesure of you," continued the doctor, drawing from his pocket a large packetof cards, and inserting at the top of one Newton Forster's name with hispencil. "This is an invitation to our _conversazione_ of to-morrow night,which you must do us the honour to accept. We shall have all the scientificmen of the day, and a very pretty sprinkling of nobility, if not somethingmore. However, you will see. Shall I tell Mrs Plausible that you will come,or will you disappoint her?"
"Why," replied Newton, "if I possibly can I will. I presume the hour is notvery precise?"
"O no, from nine until two or three; but if you wish to see great people,about eleven is the exact time."
"Well, then," replied Newton, "the time which suits great people also suitsme. I hope Mrs Plausible is quite well."
"Quite well, I thank you. Good-bye;" and Dr Plausible hurried off soquickly, that Newton was induced to look after him, to ascertain what couldinduce such precipitation. He perceived Dr Plausible shaking hands warmlywith another gentleman, and after a few seconds the packet of cards wasagain pulled out of his pocket, and the pencil in requisition. It will benecessary to go back a little, to acquaint the reader with what hadoccurred since the acceptation of Dr Plausible by Miss Tavistock, when theywere on board of the _Bombay Castle_. On their arrival at Madras, MissTavistock's early and dearest friend, who resided in the up-country, hadcommissioned an acquaintance to receive Miss Tavistock until they couldmake arrangements for her journey to the interior. By this femaleacquaintance Miss Tavistock was kindly welcomed, and received into herhouse; but Miss Tavistock's prospects having altered, so had all herdevoted attachment to the friend of her early years. She wrote, announcingher intended change of condition, and regretting that Dr Plausible'saffairs, requiring his immediate presence in England, would prevent herhaving the delight of embracing one, who was so entwined round her heart.The letter was nevertheless very cold, and Miss Tavistock was very muchabused by her dearest friend, who, disappointed in her expectations, didnot even condescend an answer. In a week Miss Tavistock was united to DrPlausible; and in less than a fortnight afterwards they were on theirpassage home. Dr Plausible found that his wife's report of hercircumstances was correct, and that now he had the means of keeping hiscarriage and of seeing company, in moderation. Shortly after their return,Dr Plausible took the lease of a house in a betwixt and between fashionablestreet, and not wishing to remain idle, attempted to get into practice asan accoucheur; for although the fortune brought by his wife wasconsiderable, still, to keep his carriage in London, he was obliged "tosail nearer to the wind" in other points than he found agreeable: moreoverhe was ambitious. A night-bell, with "night-bell" in capital letters overit, that people might be aware in the broad day that it was a night-bell,which of course they could not read in the dark, was attached to one sideof the street door. It was as loud as an alarum-bell, and when rung, was tobe heard from No. 12 to No. 44, in the street where Dr Plausible resided.
There are little secrets in all trades; and one is, how to obtain practiceas a medical man, which whole mystery consists in making people believethat you have a great deal. When this is credited, practice immediatelyfollows; and Dr Plausible was aware of the fact. At first setting off, hiscarriage drew up to the door occasionally, and stood there for some time,when the doctor made his appearance, and stepped in. He then took a roundof about three hours through every fashionable part of the town, sittingwell forward, that everybody might see him, apparently examining hisvisiting-book. At times he would pull up at some distinguished person'sdoor, when there were two or three carriages before him, and getting out,would go in to the porter to ask some frivolous question. Another _ruse_was, to hammer at some titled mansion, and inquire for another titledperson, by mistake. This occupied the morning; after which Doctor Plausiblereturned home. During the first month the night-bell was rung two or threetimes a week by the watchman, who was fee'd for his trouble; but after thatperiod it increased its duties, until it was in motion once, if not twice,every night, and his disturbed neighbours wished Doctor Plausible and hisextensive practice at the devil. The carriage also was now rattled to thedoor in a hurry, and Doctor Plausible was seen to enter it with his case ofinstruments, and drive off with rapidity, sometimes twice a day. In themeantime, Mrs Plausible did her part, as she extended her acquaintance withher neighbours. She constantly railed against a medical husband; declaredthat Doctor Plausible was never at home, and it was impossible to say atwhat hour they might dine. The tables also were strewed with the cards ofgreat and fashionable people, obtained by Doctor Plausible from acelebrated engraver's shop, by a douceur to the shopman, when the masterwas absent. At last, Doctor Plausible's instruments were used in goodearnest; and, although not known or even heard of in the fashionable world,he was sent for by the would-be-fashionables, because they imagined that hewas employed by their betters. Now it so happened that in the same streetthere lived another medical man, almost a prototype of Doctor Plausible,only not quite so well off in the world. His name was Doctor Feasible. Hispractice was not extensive, and he was encumbered with a wife and largefamily. He also very naturally wished to extend his practice and hisreputation; and, after many fruitless attempts, he at last hit upon ascheme which he thought promised to be successful.
"My dear," said he, one morning to his wife, "I am thinking of getting up a_conversazione_."
"A _conversazione_, my love!--why, is not that a very expensive affair?"
"Why, not very. But if it brings me practice, it will be money well laidout."
"Yes, my love, if it does, and if we had the money to lay out."
"Something must be done. I have hardly a patient left. I have an idea thatit will succeed. Go, my dear, and make up this prescription, and let theboy take it to Mrs Bluestone's. I wish I had a couple of dozen patientslike her. I write her prescription, take my fee, and then, that I may besure that it is properly made up, I volunteer to take it to the chemist'smyself."
"Pray, what is the complaint of Mrs Bluestone, my love?"
"Nothing; she over-eats herself--that's all. Abernethy would cure her intwenty-four hours."
"Well, but, my love, about this _conversazione_?"
"Go and make up the prescription, my dear, and we'll talk the matter overafterwards."
They did so. A list of the people they were acquainted with was drawn out,the expense calculated, and the affair settled.
The first point to be considered was the size of the cards.
"These, my love," said Mrs Feasible, who came in from a long walk, with herbonnet still on, "these are three shillings and sixpence a hundred; andthese, which are a size larger, are four-and-sixpence. Which do you thinkwe ought to have?"
"Why, really, my dear, when one sends out so many, I do not see why weshould incur unnecessary expense. The three-and-sixpenny ones are quitelarge enough."
"And the engraving will be fourteen shillings."
"Well, that will only be a first expense. _Conversazione_ in old English,of course."
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p; "And here, my love, are the ribbons for the maids' caps and sashes; Ibought them at Waterloo House, very cheap, and a very pretty candle-lightcolour."
"Did you speak to them about their gowns?"
"Yes, my love; Sally and Peggy have each a white gown, Betty I can lend oneof my own."
The difference between a _conversazione_ and a rout is simply this:--in theformer you are expected to talk or listen, but to be too ethereal to eat.In the latter, to be squeezed in a crowd, and eat ices, &c., to coolyourselves. A _conversazione_ has, therefore, a great advantage over thelatter, as far as the pocket is concerned, it being much cheaper to procurefood for the mind than food for the body. It would appear that tea has beenas completely established the beverage of modern scientific men, as nectarwas formerly that of the gods. The Athenaeum gives tea; and I observed in alate newspaper, that Lord G---- has promised tea to the GeographicalSociety. Had his lordship been aware that there was a beverage invented onboard ship much more appropriate to the science over which he presides thantea, I feel convinced he would have substituted it immediately; and Itherefore take this opportunity of informing him that sailors have longmade use of a compound which actually goes by the name of _geo-graffy_,which is only a trifling corruption of the name of the science, arisingfrom their habit of laying the accent upon the penultimate. I will now givehis lordship the receipt, which is most simple.
Take a tin pot, go to the scuttle-butt (having obtained permission from thequarter-deck), and draw off about half a pint of very offensive-smellingwater. To this add a gill of vinegar and a ship's buscuit broken up intosmall pieces. Stir it well up with the fore-finger; and then, with thefore-finger and thumb, you may pull out the pieces of buscuit, and eat themas fast as you please, drinking the liquor to wash all down.
Now this would be the very composition to hand round to the GeographicalSociety. It is not christened geography without a reason; the vinegar andwater representing the green sea, and the pieces of buscuit floating in itthe continents and islands which are washed by it.
Now, my lord, do not you thank me for my communication?
But we must return to the _conversazione_ of Doctor and Mrs Feasible.
The company arrived. There was rap after rap. The whole street wasastounded with the noise of the wheels and the rattling of the iron stepsof the hackney-coaches. Doctor Feasible had procured some portfolios ofprints; some Indian idols from a shop in Wardour Street, duly labelled andchristened, and several other odds and ends to create matter ofconversation. The company consisted of several medical gentlemen and theirwives, the great Mr B----, and the facetious Mr C----. There were ten ortwelve authors, or gentlemen suspected of authorship, fourteen or fifteenchemists, all scientific of course, one colonel, half-a-dozen captains, andto crown all, a city knight and his lady, besides their generalacquaintance, unscientific and unprofessional. For a beginning this wasvery well; and the company departed very hungry, but highly delighted withtheir evening's entertainment.
"What can all that noise be about?" said Mrs Plausible to her husband, whowas sitting with her in the drawing-room, reading the _Lancet_, while sheknotted, or _did not_.
"I am sure I cannot tell, Mrs Plausible."
"There, again! I'm sure if I have heard one, I have heard thirty raps at adoor within this quarter of an hour. I'm determined I will know what itis," continued Mrs Plausible, getting up, and ringing the bell.
"Thomas, do you know what all that noise is about?" said Mrs Plausible,when the servant answered the bell.
"No, ma'am, I doesn't."
"Well, then, go and see."
"Yes, ma'am."
The impatience of Mrs Plausible, during the absence of Thomas, increasedwith the repetition of the knocks.
"Well, Thomas?" said she, as the footman entered.
"If you please, ma'am, Mr Feasible has got a conwersation--that's all."
"Got a what?"
"A _conversazione_ he means, my dear. It's very strange that DoctorFeasible should pretend to give such a thing!"
"I think so too," replied the lady. "He keeps no carriage. What can be hisinducement?"
"I perceive," replied Dr Plausible, "he wants to get practice. Depend uponit, that's his plan. A sprat to catch mackerel!"
Husband and wife were again silent, and resumed their occupations; but the_Lancet_ was not read, and the knotting was all in knots, for they wereboth in a brown study. At last, Mrs Plausible commenced:--
"I really do not see, my dear, why we should not give a _conversazione_ aswell as Doctor Feasible."
"I was just thinking that we could give them much better; our acquaintancenow is very numerous."
"And very respectable," replied the lady; "it will make us more known inthe world."
"And add to my practice. I'll soon beat Doctor Feasible out of the field!"
The result of this conversation was a _conversazione_, which certainly wason a much better scale, and better attended than the one collected byDoctor Feasible. Doctor Plausible had pumped a mutual acquaintance as tothe merits of his rival, and had set to work with great diligence.
He ordered his carriage, and for two or three days previous to the onefixed, went round to all his friends who had curiosities, foreign,indigenous, or continental, admired them, talked learnedly, expressed awish to exhibit them to several gentlemen of talent at his next_conversazione_, pulled out a card for the party, and succeeded inreturning home with his carriage stuffed with curiosities andmonstrosities.
Negus and cherry-water were added to tea in the refreshment-room; and the_conversazione_ of Doctor Plausible was pronounced by those who had beeninvited to both, infinitely superior to that of Doctor Feasible. Agood-natured friend called upon Doctor and Mrs Feasible with the news. Theypretended indifference, as they bit their lips to conceal their vexation.As soon as he took his leave--
"Well, my dear," said Mrs Feasible, "what do you think of this? Veryunhandsome on the part of Doctor Plausible! I was told this morning thatseveral of our acquaintances have expressed a wish to be introduced tohim."
"We must not give up the point, my love. Doctor Plausible may make a splashonce; but I suspect that his horses eat him out of house and home, andinterfere very much with the butcher's bills. If so, we who keep nocarriage can afford it better. But it's very annoying, as there will be anincrease of expense."
"Very annoying, indeed!" replied the lady. "Look at his card, my dear, itis nearly twice as large as ours. I begged it of Mr Tomkins, on purpose tocompare it."
"Well, then, my dear, we must order others, and mind that they measure aninch more than his. It shall cost him something before we have done, I'mdetermined."
"You heard what Mr Smithson said? They gave negus and cherry-water."
"We must do the same. I've a great mind to give ices."
"Oh! my love, remember the expense."
"Very true; but we can ice our negus and cherry-water. Rough ice is onlytwopence a pound, I believe."
"Well, that will be an improvement."
"And there shall be more, or I'll be in the Bench," replied the doctor, inhis wrath.
The next _conversazione_ for which cards were issued by Doctor Feasible,was on a superior scale. There was a considerable increase of company. Hehad persuaded a country baronet; secured the patronage of two ladies ofrank (with a slight blot on their escutcheons), and collected, amongstothers, a French count (or adventurer), a baron with mustachios, two Germanstudents in their costumes and long hair, and an actress of somereputation. He had also procured the head of a New Zealand chief; some redsnow, or rather, red water (for it was melted), brought home by CaptainRoss; a piece of granite from the Croker mountains; a kitten in spirits,with two heads and twelve legs; and half-a-dozen abortions of the featheredor creeping tribes. Everything went off well. The two last fees he hadreceived were sacrificed to have the party announced in the _Morning Post_,and Doctor Feasible's triumph was complete.
But it was not to last long. In ten days Dr Plausible's cards were again
issued, larger than Dr Feasible's, and with a handsome embossed border oflilies and roses. Male attendants, tea and coffee, ices and liqueurs wereprepared; and Dr Feasible's heart failed him, when he witnessed the ingressand egress of the pastrycooks, with their boxes on their heads. Among hiscompany he had already mustered up five celebrated blues; four ladies ofquality, of better reputation than Dr Feasible's; seven or eight baronetsand knights; a bishop of Fernando Po; three or four general officers; and adozen French and German visitors to the country, who had not only titles,but wore orders at their button-holes. Thus far had he advanced, when hemet Newton Forster, and added him to the list of the invited. In about twohours afterwards, Dr Plausible returned home to his wife, radiant withsmiles.
"My dear, who _do_ you think has promised to come to-morrow night?"
"Who, my love?"
"Prince Fizzybelli!"
"You don't say so?" screamed the lady with her delight.
"Yes, most faithfully promised."
"What _will_ the Feasibles say?" cried the lady;--"but--is he a realprince?"
"A real prince! O yes, indeed is he! well known in Tartary."
"Well, Dr Plausible, I have good news for you. Here is a note from MrH----, in answer to yours, in which he promises you the loan of the waxfigure from Germany, of a female in the first stage of par--partu--I can'tmake out the word."
"Excellent! most excellent!" cried the doctor, rubbing his hand; "now we_shall_ do."
Newton, who had some curiosity to see a _conversazione_, which to him was a_terra incognita_, did not fail to go at the appointed hour. He was usheredupstairs into the drawing-room, at the door of which he was received by MrsPlausible, in blue and silver. The rooms not being very large, wereextremely crowded, and Newton at one moment found himself jammed againstsome curiosity, and at another treading on the toes or heels of people, whoaccepted his apologies, looking daggers, and with a snarling "don't mentionit."
But a thundering knock at the door was followed by the announcement of HisHighness Prince Fizzybelli--Prince Fizzybelli at the door--PrinceFizzybelli coming up--Prince Fizzybelli (enters).
Had it been permitted, Dr Plausible would have received his guest with aflourish of trumpets, as great men are upon the stage, without which it isimpossible now-a-days to know a great man from a little one. However, thehired attendants did their duty, and the name of Fizzybelli was fizzedabout the room in every direction. Dr Plausible trod on the corns of oldLady G------, upset Miss Periwinkle, and nearly knocked down a French_savant_, in his struggle to obtain the door to receive his honoured guest,who made a bow, looked at the crowd--looked at the chandelier--looked athis watch, and looked very tired in the course of five minutes, when PrinceFizzybelli ordered his carriage, and was off.
Newton, who had examined several very strange things which occupied thetables about the room, at last made his way to the ante-room, where thecrowd was much more dense than elsewhere. Taking it for granted that therewas something interesting to be seen, he persevered until he had forced hisway to the centre, when what was his astonishment when he beheld under along glass-case a figure of a woman modelled in wax, of exact and certainlyof beautiful proportion! It was as large as life, and in a state of perfectnudity. The face lifted up, and discovered the muscles beneath; in fact,every part of the image could be removed, and presented to the curiousevery part of the human frame, modelled exact, and coloured. Newton wasindeed astonished: he had witnessed several articles in the other room,which he had considered more fitted for the museum of an institution than adrawing-room; but this was indeed a novelty; and when, to crown all, hewitnessed certain little _demireps_ of science, who fancied that not to beashamed was now as much a proof of knowledge, as in our first parents itwas of innocence, and who eyed the figure without turning away from it orblushing, he quitted the room with disgust, and returned home quitesatisfied with one _conversazione_.
I am not partial to blues: generally speaking, ladies do not take upscience until they find that the men will not take up them; and aremarkably clever woman by reputation is too often a remarkably unpleasantor a remarkably ugly one. But there are exceptions; exceptions that anation may be proud of--women who can fulfil their duties to their husbandsand their children, to their God and to their neighbour, although endowedwith minds more powerful than is allotted to one man in tens of thousands.These are heavenly blues; and, among the few, no one shines morepre-eminent than my dear Mrs S----e.
However, whether Newton was satisfied or not, this _conversazione_ was afinisher to Dr Feasible, who resigned the contest. Dr Plausible not onlycarried away the palm--but, what was still worse, he carried off the"practice!"
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