by Emily Rose
“Right,” he said and then leaned up to put the car in gear, “You ready?”
“Yeah,” I said.
Jaxson didn’t ask how it had gone with Danny, but I didn’t really expect him to. Instead, he skidded off, throwing gravel behind us. Music played the entire way back to his house, which I was thankful for. I had no idea how to talk to him after the conversation with Anna earlier.
We were back on the main road when the song switched to “Skyline 2” by Chris Webby. I liked this song and reached up to turn up the volume even more. He didn’t say anything about it as we continued down the main road, the bass vibrating my bones.
I bobbed my head to the beat, silently rapping to the lyrics. It wasn’t until we were halfway to his house that I heard him.
“Shit…” he said.
It didn’t take me long to figure out what he was referring to, because it was only a second later that blue lights flipped on behind us.
“Oh, lovely,” I said.
Jaxson sighed and then pulled into an empty parking lot, shoving his car into park when we got stopped. The blue lights continued to flash behind us as I leaned up to turn the radio down and Jax rolled his window down a few seconds before the officer appeared there.
He shined the light inside, blinding both of us.
“My name is Officer Ricks. Do you know why I pulled you over?” he asked.
I watched as Jaxson started pulling his driver’s license out of his wallet and answered the officer, “Yeah, I do. I was speeding,” he said as he held his license out the window.
“Do you have registration and your insurance card?” Officer Ricks asked.
“Yeah,” Jaxson said and then reached over toward the glove box. His arm brushed up against my leg and I shifted, but he didn’t seem to notice as he pulled out the papers he needed and then handed those to the officer.
“Thank you. I’ll be right back,” Officer Ricks said and then started back toward his car.
“Nice job,” I said after he left.
Jaxson let his head fall back against the seat, “Shut up.”
I laughed, and it caused him to chuckle.
“You’re bad luck,” he said a second later.
I looked at him. “What? How?”
Jaxson turned his head without lifting it off the seat to look at me. “I’ve only ever been pulled over once and that was when I was in high school.”
“Oh shit,” I said.
He nodded, “Yeah, so like I said, you are bad luck.”
I laughed. “I’m sorry?”
Jax shrugged. “It’s whatever.”
It was silent between us then as we waited for the officer to return. I looked out the window, watching the way the blue lights flashed against the building beside us. It was almost pretty.
“Sorry, by the way,” Jaxson said.
I didn’t look at him, but I answered. “For what?”
“My arm touched your leg. I felt you flinch,” he said.
Jesus, I thought he hadn’t noticed. I was so glad it was dark inside the car or he would have seen the way my face heated with embarrassment. I kept my gaze out the window, fearing he might see it anyway. “Oh, it’s... uh... okay. It just startled me,” I said.
He didn’t answer, and I didn’t offer any more than that.
Luckily, Officer Ricks returned and held Jax’s information out to him. “I’m not writing you a ticket, but I am giving you a warning. Slow down,” he said and handed Jax a piece of paper.
Jax nodded, “Yes sir.”
I tried to hide my smile as Officer Ricks turned to head back to his car. Jax waited until he shut his lights off and went around us before he rolled his window up, shifted back into gear, and took off.
This time, driving a lot slower.
Chapter Thirteen
Jax
She fucking flinched. Yeah, maybe I had startled her, but maybe that wasn’t it at all. I had no idea what the hell to think as I kept running everything through my head as we drove toward my house.
Ray sat silently in the passenger seat. Neither one of us seemed to know what to say to the other and that made me feel fucking horrible. I didn’t want her to feel like that around me, but I didn’t know how to possibly change it.
I was an asshole, plain and simple.
She thought she couldn’t be around me now that I wasn’t with Danny, but that wasn’t the case. She was still married to my best friend and I told him I would keep an eye on her. Even if he hadn’t asked me to do it, I would have done it anyway, because that was just what we did. And even if I wasn’t with Danny anymore and she had ripped out a piece of my heart that I probably wouldn’t ever get back, Ray was still family. Hell, even Danny was still family.
It didn’t matter if I was with Danny or if she had ruined me, I wouldn’t let someone hurt her either. We all had to play our part in this family, or it wouldn’t be a family at all.
“I can almost see the smoke from the wheels turning inside that head of yours,” Ray said.
I looked over at her before I glanced back at the road. “Just thinking.”
She laughed. “Obviously.”
I flipped on my blinker and turned down my road. It was only a few blocks to my house now. “I don’t know what to think about what I’m thinking,” I said.
“What do you mean?” she asked.
I took a deep breath and pulled into my driveway where I parked next to Ray’s car. I left mine running as I leaned back in the seat. “I don’t know. I’m sorry shit is so hard right now. I don’t want to make you feel like you can’t talk to me,” I said honestly and caught her gaze.
Ray acted like she wanted to add more to that, but then she simply smiled. “Thank you, Jax. It’s just hard now that you and Danny aren’t together. I feel bad for even being in your damn car right now.”
I watched her eyes, debating my next question until I just said fuck it and asked, “And that’s the only reason? Because I’m not with her anymore?”
She nodded quickly as if she didn’t give any thought to that question before answering. I decided to drop it though and looked away.
“Well, there’s your ride,” I said just for something to say.
“There it is. I should probably get back. Danny will want to know where I went,” she said.
I gazed out the windshield at the house and the darkness that surrounded us. “What are you going to tell her?” I asked.
I heard Ray’s deep inhale. “I’m not sure yet. I could tell her that Rachel or Kevin gave me a ride over here, but she’ll know I’m lying, so I don’t know.”
“Are you really so afraid to be around me that you will lie to her about it?” I asked.
“I’m not afraid. I just feel guilty and I know it’s dumb, because we are friends and that shouldn’t stop just because you guys broke up,” she said.
I nodded. “You are right. It shouldn’t.”
We were silent then and I figured she’d get out soon, but she stayed seated. The music wasn’t as loud as it had been, but I could still hear it and the bass from the song that played. I looked toward Ray and saw that she was staring out the window.
“You okay?” I asked.
I watched her nod, but I wasn’t a dumbass. I knew she was far from okay and that it had everything to do with Miles. Once again, an unexpected anger swelled in my chest at the thought of him hurting her. I had no idea how he could do it. I mean Ray has done some fucked up shit, but he hasn’t been a gentleman either and they were married now.
Didn’t that mean anything to him?
“I’m sorry,” I said and while I knew I wasn’t the guy she wanted to hear those words from, I still felt like I needed to say it.
“It’s not your fault,” she said and then, “You told me when we were at Twisted that if it were Danny who had done something like this, you wouldn’t wait on her. Would you really just end it all?” she asked.
I hadn’t been lying when I had said that, because I wouldn’t wait ar
ound. I hadn’t waited around when Danny had danced with Chase. I could have got over it if it hadn’t been for the fact that she said she wanted to dance with him. That was when I knew I had to call it off.
All of it.
I had been fucked over before. Cassy did a fantastic job of that and while I knew that Danny would end up hurting me somehow, someway, I wanted it to last as long as possible. I wanted years, a lifetime, but six months. That was all I got. Six months of pretending that I could actually have a lifetime with someone.
“Yes,” I said.
“Do you still love her?” Ray asked and then turned to look at me.
“Love isn’t something you can just shut off,” I said honestly, because I did love that damn girl, but she had made her choice.
“No, it’s not,” Ray said with a sigh, and I knew she was thinking about Miles.
“Are you going to talk to him?” I asked.
She seemed to think about it and then she nodded, “Yeah, I think so. I want to hear what he has to say about it all,” she said.
“What about me?” I teased with a grin.
Ray laughed, “Yes, Jaxson, I’ll talk to you.”
“Don’t I feel special,” I said.
She rolled her eyes, but it was the smile on her face that I was aiming for.
“Thanks for coming to pick me up and I’m sorry you got pulled over,” she said.
I shrugged and finally reached up to shut my car off. “Don’t worry about it, but let’s just keep that part between us,” I said as I twisted my keys around my finger.
She laughed. “Ok, deal.”
I sat there a minute and then grabbed the door handle, “Well, I guess I’ll talk to you later then.”
“Yeah, I’ll see you,” Ray said and then reached for her own door handle. We stared at each other for a minute before we finally got out.
I locked my car as she made her way to the driver’s side of hers. After getting it unlocked and the door open, Ray paused to look over the roof at me.
“Jaxson?”
I waited.
“Nevermind, forget it,” she said.
I chuckled. “Ok. I’ll see you around, Ray.”
She nodded as I turned away and headed up to the front door. I walked inside and closed the door behind me where I leaned back against it. I closed my eyes and took in a deep breath.
After a minute of standing there, I reached into my pocket and pulled out the tiny bag. I opened my eyes and looked down at the bars inside. Tonight had been a close call. If that officer would have searched me, my secret would have been out and then there would have been no denying my problem.
It continually amazed me at how easy these fucking things started to control you, even after years of being away from them. It was like I had beat addiction, but it was never really gone for good, no matter how much time had passed since I walked away.
Just like that, I was back to square one.
Addiction was a lonely ass road; one I had struggled with my entire life. I could remember times when these tiny fucking bars were my only escape from the hell that surrounded me.
I knew I was better than this, but as I opened the bag and grabbed the half from yesterday’s bar, I realized I just didn’t give a fuck anymore.
I dropped the bar onto my tongue and closed my eyes as I swallowed.
In just a few minutes, I would be somewhere else entirely.
In just a few minutes, I wouldn’t be the Jaxson everyone knew.
The worst part was that I wasn’t even craving the high these bars gave me; I was craving the darkness. I could sleep for days on these and not have to feel a goddamn thing.
I pushed off the door and didn’t bother locking it as I headed to my bedroom where I pulled my shirt off in one motion. I dropped it to the ground and kicked my shoes off before I crawled onto the bed, not even bothering with the covers, and laid on my stomach with my arms tucked under the pillow. I turned my face away from the door and stared at the wall, only hearing silence and the sound of my heart beating as my eyes started to grow heavy.
I didn’t fight it as I drifted off into a deep, soundless sleep.
Chapter Fourteen
Danny
I had totally crashed before Ray got back last night, so I still hadn’t seen her since I had to be at work this morning, but I had noticed her car was sitting in the driveway.
That told me she had gone to Jax’s last night and picked it up.
I didn’t know why she thought she had to keep it a secret. I trusted her, and I knew she would never do something like go behind my back or Miles’ like that. I could never picture her doing anything like that with Jaxson. There was just no possible way.
And I understood that even if I wasn’t with him, Ray was still friends with him the same way Rachel or Kevin were. It didn’t matter if we were dating or not. I didn’t expect people to pick sides during this, and I wasn’t about to go around demanding it either.
I had no right to tell her or anyone who she could and couldn’t be friends with.
These were my thoughts as I carried out my shift that afternoon. During the time I’ve been working at Becky’s, I had learned a lot. It was basically like breathing to me now and I breezed through orders without any kind of dilemma.
I knew Ray had plans to go dress shopping after my shift was over and I was looking forward to it, because the busier I kept myself, the less likely I was to think about Jaxson or what I had done to him.
There was no way I could just forget about what happened or him, but being around people and distracting myself helped me to keep moving forward, even if it wasn’t what I expected to be doing six months into our relationship.
Six months. That was all it took for me to fuck up.
I pushed these thoughts aside as I carried a tray of food out from the kitchen and delivered it to the right table. I made sure the customers had full glasses without disturbing their conversation and then headed back to the kitchen where I dropped off my tray.
When I pulled my ticket book out and put the next order up, Gayla came up to me and nudged me with her hip. I still hadn’t grown that close to her. Like I wouldn’t share any kind of personal stuff, like my mental breakdown the other night, with her. She was simply a co-worker and that was about the extent of it, but even with just being that, I could tell her some things.
“You are on fire today,” Gayla said.
I shrugged and shoved my ticket book back into my apron, “Just want to get through this shift.”
“Big plans tonight?” she asked as she dropped off her own orders to the cook, who I wasn’t really close with at all either. I barely even remembered their name.
“Something like that. I’m going dress shopping with my bestie and I think we’re heading to Florida for her mom’s wedding,” I said.
Excitement boiled in me at the thought of heading back to Florida. It would be nice to get away from Hampton for a little while and see the beach again.
“Oh, that sounds like fun,” Gayla said.
I nodded and then heard the bell ring out front, indicating a customer was waiting to be seated. I sighed and headed out the door, effectively ending our conversation.
When I came out front, I saw who waited at the door and stopped in my tracks. My heart dropped to my stomach and I felt the urge to run into the back again, letting Gayla take this one. It felt like the situation with Brody all over again, but it was nothing like that. I had no history with the man standing at the front and I had no reason to want to run in the opposite direction.
So, I pulled my big girl panties on and started walking again.
Chase’s deep forest green eyes met mine. He stood with his hands in his pockets and the look of surprise on his face told me that he had no idea I worked here. I could see the faint bruise Jaxson had left on him.
I grabbed a menu on my way and then stopped just short of him, both of us staring at each other like we were waiting on the other to speak first.
Finally, he spoke.
“I, uh, is Gayla around?” he asked.
I blinked, but before I could answer him, I heard her.
“Chase! Hey, I didn’t know you were coming by today,” Gayla said as she marched straight up to him and reached up on her toes to plant a kiss on his cheek.
I couldn’t believe what I was seeing. My anger flared so suddenly that I didn’t have time to register what I was doing until it was happening.
I reached up with my free hand and connected with the opposite side from where Jaxson had hit him. The impact made him turn his head slightly and I heard Gayla’s gasp.
“You’re an asshole,” I said firmly.
“Danny! What the hell?!” Gayla asked as she reached up to examine the spot on Chase’s face.
He reached up and grabbed her hand, pushing it away as he turned his gaze on me. I could see the guilt in his eyes and it only annoyed me even more.
“I’m sorry. I didn’t get a chance to tell you,” he said.
I laughed harshly. “You cost me every-fucking-thing,” I said angrily.
Gayla seemed to catch on, because she started looking between us and I could almost see the picture coming together in her mind. I didn’t wait on her to put the rest of the pieces together and started untying my apron. I threw it on the ground and grabbed my purse before I walked past them, heading out the door without a look back.
I was angry, with myself, and Chase.
The night at Twisted, he had come up to my table and asked me to dance. I had been drinking, and shamefully, a part of me wanted that dance with him. It wasn’t because I liked him. I didn’t even really know him, but I just knew he wasn’t Jaxson. I had no history with him. I didn’t have to feel guilty with him. I didn’t have to hide anything from him.
With Chase, I could just be Danny Marshall.
Not Danny Marshall, the girl who lost her child because her boyfriend decided to drink and drive, or the girl who caused the only man she ever loved after Brody to take someone’s life. I put that blood on Jaxson’s hands and he was the one who had to live with that for the rest of his life.
