by Emily Rose
My mind was somewhere else entirely, but I could still hear as someone opened a door and then I was being placed into what I could only assume was the seat of my car.
“You alright to drive?’ I heard Kevin ask, but I didn’t register the response before the door closed.
I blinked my eyes open, watching as Kevin and Danny made their way to the front of the car and then my eyes fell closed again as I let my head rest against the cold window. I was so very gone and while I knew I would regret it in the morning, right now, my mind was blissfully empty of all thoughts.
And the voices inside my head had finally gone quiet, and without their constant bickering, I was able to embrace the silence.
Chapter Twenty-Five
Ray
The first thing I noticed when my eyes fluttered open was the massive headache I had. I groaned and turned my head just enough to see the sunlight as it shined in through the window. It was then that I realized I was on the couch at Miles’ house.
I blinked and grabbed the back of the couch to lift myself into a sitting position, which only made my head pound even harder.
“Ow…” I said and then looked up to see Danny sleeping curled up in the recliner.
I could vaguely remember leaving Twisted last night. I knew Kevin had carried my ass out of the bar and put me in the car, but I couldn’t remember crap after that. I wasn’t even sure how the hell I got into the house, because I knew for damn sure Danny hadn’t carried me and not to mention, she had been drinking too, so I didn’t know if she had drove or someone else drove us home.
Everything was just so tangled together, and my head was hurting too much to even try to figure it out right now. I took a deep breath as my stomach rolled with nausea and risked getting to my feet. The room spun around me and I held my hands out to my sides to steady myself.
Once I knew I wasn’t going to fall over, I made my way into the kitchen shuffling like a zombie moved when on the hunt for brains and grabbed the ibuprofen out of the cabinet before I filled a glass to the top with water. I opened the bottle, took out two pills, and chased them down with the water. It was a good thing I didn’t have to be at work today, because I knew for a fact that I wouldn’t have made it.
I rubbed my eyes as I made my way to the bedroom and walked through the door. I didn’t even look around as I climbed onto the bed or rather falling onto it. It wasn’t until I got settled and stopped rubbing my eyes that I realized that I wasn’t alone.
My heart shot through the roof and I sat up way too quick for my half-drunk mind to register as I scrambled out of bed, only managing to fall off the edge and knocking over the lamp that sat on the table beside the bed. It crashed to the floor with a loud bang and the person who had been asleep before my freak out woke with a startled expression. He looked around and then his eyes found mine as I stared at him with my mouth on the floor.
“Jesus, you scared the fuck out of me,” he said.
I blinked, trying to figure out if I was dreaming or if he was really sitting there in all his gorgeous glory.
“Ray, why are you staring at me like that?” he asked.
I blinked again and then closed my mouth as it dawned on me that this was real. I wasn’t dreaming at all. I took in his bare chest and the perfect muscles there before my eyes traveled to his face again. His black hair was messy and a bit longer, falling into his eyes and his facial hair had grown out just enough that it made him look older than his age.
But it was his eyes that made everything so real. There was no mistaking those eyes. The one blue and the other green, all framed with thick dark lashes.
“Miles?” I said his name like it was the first time I was seeing him.
He looked at me with an odd expression. “Yeah, it’s me. Are you okay?”
I slowly stood up and crawled onto the bed. I curled my legs under me and sat down a few inches from him. My hand moved, paused, and then continued moving until I touched his face. His skin felt warm against mine as I stared into his eyes, watching him blink slowly.
“You are back,” I said quietly.
He stared. “Yeah, I just got back last night.”
“When?” I asked and dropped my hand from his face to rest it on my thigh.
“It was late. You were passed out cold on the couch, but Danny was still awake. She told me that you had a little too much to drink, so I decided to leave you on the couch,” he said.
I cringed as my stomach rolled again at the thought of drinking. “Yeah, I probably had too much.”
“She said you were drinking Fireball shots like they were going out of style. I didn’t realize you liked those,” he said and then braced his weight back on his arms, which only made the muscles in his stomach and arms stand out that much more.
I tried to ignore that and answered, “I don’t usually.”
“Were you having a bad day or something?” he asked.
My eyes dropped to my hands that were now curled between my legs, “You could say that.”
Miles didn’t say anything then and the longer I sat there, the more aware my mind became of everything that had happened over the past several days. My chest tightened with that same crushing guilt I had felt before I started drinking and after I had sex with Jaxson.
“Ray…are you okay?” Miles asked.
I took a deep breath and pushed everything I was feeling aside as I looked into his eyes. “Yeah, I’m ok,” I said and smiled, but it felt forced.
And Miles didn’t look like he believed me at all.
“Did you get everything figured out that you needed to?” I asked, changing the subject to another one I was dreading.
Miles didn’t answer at first. He simply stared at me as if he were still trying to figure out what I wasn’t telling him, but then he answered. “No. I didn’t have the chance to,” he said calmly.
“Why not? You were gone long enough,” I said, and I couldn’t keep the sarcastic tone out of my voice, which shouldn’t have been there anyway. After what I did, there was no way I could still be mad about what he had done to me.
Miles sighed and then leaned back against the headboard, resting his hands in his lap. “Like I said, I was only there to help Mia’s brother, but I wasn’t able to.”
“Why not?” I asked.
He looked away from me then and dropped his gaze to his hands. “He killed himself before I was able to.”
I gasped. I had no idea who these people were, but anytime someone told you that they knew someone who had ended their own life was sad, especially if the person telling you that was someone you loved. I could see how much it bothered Miles that this stranger had ended it all, which only made what I had done that much worse. I wasn’t helping him. I wasn’t even doing right by him.
“I’m so sorry, Miles,” I said.
He took a deep breath and met my gaze. “I just wish I could have talked him out of it.”
“Why did he do it?”
Miles didn’t answer at first, but the look in his eyes when he finally did, told me that I was fixing to learn something about him that I never had before. “I don’t even know why I’m telling you this, because I really don’t want you to know, but me and Derek were friends back before I moved to Hampton. That was how I had met Mia, but you already knew about that whole situation. Derek had been with someone too, but she had some issues with drugs. He tried to get her away from it and she did good for a while, but then she relapsed,” he said.
I blinked slowly and stayed silent as he continued.
“I tried to convince him to tell her to go back to rehab, but he wanted to try and save her himself. He didn’t want her locked up in some room without him, but she only got worse,” he paused as if the memories were almost too painful to speak about, but then he spoke again, “We were at a party one night. I was with Mia, so I don’t know exactly how it all went down, but I do know that Derek’s girl had taken too much and she overdosed,” he said.
“Gosh…” I said as the reality
of everything settled over me.
Miles nodded, “Yeah, according to Derek, he had left the room just for a few minutes and when he came back, she was already overdosing. We called the ambulance, but she died on the way to the hospital.”
“What happened then?” I asked in a voice so low that I barely even heard it.
He looked at me as his eyes clouded with a sad darkness, one I had never seen before. “After that, it all went to hell,” he said.
I didn’t say anything as I stared at him. I could tell he had told me as much as he could right now, but I also knew that wasn’t everything. As I thought about what Miles, Mia, and Derek had gone through, everything I had done since Miles left only weighed heavier on my heart. I wanted to tell him right then, I wanted to rush into the living room and tell Danny, but I felt like a Pit Bull with a muzzle, a prisoner of my own mind and there was nothing I could do about it. The walls had already closed in around me and the key had been destroyed.
And the reason I couldn’t tell them wasn’t because I thought they didn’t deserve to know. It was because I was selfish and I feared what would happen when I do tell them. I loved Miles. There was no doubt about it, even if I had massively fucked up. I thought of Danny like my own sister, even if I knew it would be over once I told her the truth, I would still think of her as my sister.
But then there was Jaxson. I couldn’t say that I loved him, but I cared more deeply for him than I cared to admit to myself and I couldn’t lose him.
I couldn’t lose any of them.
“I’m sorry,” I said then.
He had no idea what I was apologizing for right now, but he would. Miles didn’t say anything, but I watched his eyes as the sad, dark look I had seen just a few minutes ago changed into something I couldn’t pinpoint.
“Can I ask you something?” he asked.
I bit my lip, but then nodded. I could feel my heart beating madly inside my chest as I waited for him to ask whatever it was that he wanted to know.
“Is there something going on with Jaxson?”
My stomach dropped and I was pretty sure my heart stalled before it started beating again. “What? No. I mean I don’t know. Why?” I asked.
Miles stared at me for a full ten seconds before he answered. “Just curious. I assumed you would know if something was off with him since you’ve been hanging around him,” he said.
This conversation couldn’t happen. It just couldn’t. “I don’t know.”
“Ray, stop freaking out so much. I know about Jaxson’s addiction problem. He didn’t have to tell me for me to know about it. I just knew,” Miles said.
I tried to hide my relief as I exhaled slowly, willing my heart to calm down. “Oh. I didn’t know you knew about it,” I said.
He blinked slowly and spoke in a calm voice. “You have no idea how much I know.”
Before I could respond, I heard Danny’s voice in the doorway. “Hey, I need to take a shower and go job hunting. Do you want to- “she stopped mid-sentence as she registered us sitting on the bed and then she spoke once more, “Oh, uh, I can go alone…”
I watched Miles as he looked at her and then me before he stood up, letting the cover drop from his waist, which revealed the sweatpants he wore.
I heard Danny clear her throat in the doorway as Miles grabbed a T-shirt from the dresser and threw it over his head in one smooth motion before he turned to face her. “I have to go check up on the bar, so she can go if she wants to,” he said.
Danny looked at me, waiting for my response.
I shrugged. “Okay.”
Miles left then, walking past her and vanishing into the living room. A few minutes passed and then I heard the front door close. I sat there silently for a few moments before I heard his car start, the engine revving to life as he left the house.
“Uh, I’m going to go take a shower,” Danny said.
I nodded and then heard the bathroom door close a few seconds later. The shower turned on then. I sighed heavily as I looked around the empty room. In the silence, everything caught up to me and I couldn’t stop the tears that filled my eyes, but I refused to let them fall. Instead, I reached up and wiped my hand under my eyes, clearing them away.
I didn’t deserve to cry. I was the last person in the world that deserved that. My eyes caught sight of my book bag. It laid in the corner of the room, completely visible. I stood up, walked over to it, and kneeled until I was sitting on my heels with my knees on the floor. When I grabbed it, I pulled the top open and sighed in relief at the sight of Jaxson’s black hoodie still right where I had left it.
“Are you getting a shower?” I heard Danny’s voice.
I jumped, quickly shoving my bag closed again, and stood up to face her only to see that she stood in the doorway again dressed in a towel. “Yeah,” I said.
She arched an eyebrow at me. “Why are you holding your bag like it’s your reason for living?”
I looked down at my hands, which gripped my book bag tightly and then relaxed them before I met her gaze again. “Uh, no reason. Give me a few and I’ll be ready,” I said.
“Ok, weirdo…” she said and then walked toward the living room.
I sighed and then looked around the room for my phone. I found it sitting on the charger where either Miles or Danny must have put it last night. I hurried over, snatched it off the charger, and lit up the screen as I sat my book bag down on the bed. I scrolled through my contacts until I found Jaxson’s number and then pressed the button that would send a text message.
Me-I still have your hoodie.
I pressed send and waited impatiently for him to respond. It only took a few seconds, but those seconds felt like a lifetime.
Jax-Ok?
Me-Do you want me to bring it back to you?
Jax-You can just drop it off at Twisted later if you want. I’ll leave my car unlocked.
Me-Ok.
He didn’t respond and my finger hesitated over the delete button for a few seconds before I finally just deleted the entire conversation. God, I was going to Hell. I was going to burn alive, because even though what I had with Jaxson was done, it was still wrong. The mistake had already been made and it was going to eventually blow up in my face.
“Ray, I thought you were getting a shower,” I heard Danny’s voice and looked up to see her fully dressed and ready to go.
“I am. Sorry,” I said and then put my phone down.
“Can you at least hurry your ass up?” she asked.
I nodded, “Yeah, sorry.”
Danny rolled her eyes and then vanished back into the living room. I sighed and then looked around the room for a good spot to put my bag until I could return Jaxson’s hoodie. My eyes stopped on the closet. I went over and opened the door, shoving my bag deep inside, so that it was hidden under several pieces of clothing and then stood up straight.
I couldn’t believe the lengths I was going to, so that the truth wouldn’t come out. I was such a shitty person, but I tried to push these thoughts aside as I searched for some clothes. Once I had what I was going to wear, I hurried off to the shower.
Closing the door behind me, I threw my clothes on the counter and started the water, stripping as I did. I didn’t even bother trying to be ladylike as I took the quickest shower on record and then got out.
I turned the water off and then quickly dried off before I got dressed. My eyes caught my reflection in the mirror and I nearly gasped at the sight. I looked like death warmed over. There were shadows under my green eyes and even they looked dull in color. My skin was normally paler than other people, but right now I looked like I was auditioning for the role of Casper the Friendly Ghost’s love interest. My hair looked like I hadn’t brushed it in days and basically, I looked like a homeless dope head.
Sighing, I grabbed my makeup bag and started putting just enough on that covered the dark shadows. Next, I took the brush and ran it through my wet hair a few times before I just threw that into a messy bun.
I stood th
ere then, staring at my reflection in the mirror. I still looked like hell, but at least I didn’t look like I was dying. Turning away from the mirror, I headed out of the bathroom and into the living room to find Danny waiting impatiently on the couch.
“You didn’t have to wait, you could have gone without me,” I said as I grabbed my shoes and pulled them on.
She didn’t look up from her phone. “No, it’s ok. I’m just stressed out about it. I really need a job. I had some money saved up from working, but that’s going quick.”
I grabbed my purse and keys off the counter, shoving them inside. “I get it. Let me grab my phone and then we can go,” I said.
She nodded and I hurried back into the bedroom to grab my phone off the table. I shoved that into my purse too and then met Danny at the front door. We headed out, locking the house on our way, and jumped into my car. I started the engine as she settled into the passenger seat and then shifted into gear, backing out onto the road and steering us toward town.
Chapter Twenty-Six
Miles
I sat on the bar with my shoes on one of the barstools as Rachel wiped it down beside me. Twisted wasn’t open yet, so everyone except me was just chilling now. I, on the other hand, was going over the paperwork from last month’s receipts.
When the previous owner of Twisted had decided to transfer the title over and I took ownership of the bar, I had no idea what I was getting myself into. There was a lot of shit that went with it, so much that I didn’t even have time to bartend. I seriously needed to consider hiring someone that could do this part, I thought as my eyes scanned over the numbers on the piece of paper I was holding.
“The only thing I’m getting from this shit is that we actually spent more money replacing broken glasses and tables, restocking the alcohol, and pretty much everything to keep this place going than we brought in,” I said as I double checked the numbers in my head again.
