‘Rohan? Who?’ I was completely confused.
‘He is our senior at college and is a heartthrob of our college.’ She said as she shamelessly blushed at the stranger with her boyfriend right next to her.
I turned to the guy and was truly fallen for his looks. He was tall, fair complexioned and looked extremely smart.
‘I love you.’ He winked at me.
‘Me too.’ I said involuntarily.
There started the love story and we were head over heels in love with each other. The last year of my college came to an end and I was waiting to join dad in his business. But he had insisted that I take a break after studies and observe him at work. As the year came to an end, my love story ended too. Rohan had too many girl friends and he cheated on me a few times. I couldn’t digest the way he was, too flirty. I wanted to be the only girl of importance in his life but he faked parallel relationships with a few other girls simultaneously. He went to the extent of dating a few of them too which was quite annoying for me to hold back the feelings I had for him.
The New Year’s Eve has ended with my discovery of the dark face of Rohan. I hoped that I could begin a new life along with a new year. He is not that easy for me to forget. Everything, every place, every word remind his presence to me. I still love him truly, madly and deeply. I hope he would come back to me as my Rohan soon.
~
Present:
‘Rohan? So I was not in love with Ashruth? Then why the hell did he claim to be my boyfriend?’ As I read page by page the pile of questions I had grew into bigger heaps.
‘Meera.’ Ashruth called out banging the door that I had locked.
‘Yes. Wait.’ I hid the diary under the bed to prevent him from snatching it again. I really couldn’t take any more suspense or confusion from the absence of knowing my past. I wanted to be clear.
I checked and rechecked if I had hidden the diary in a safe place and out of his find. I slowly opened the door trying to look relaxed as though I had nothing to hide.
‘I banged the door just to give you these medicines.’ He gave me few tablets and a tonic. I pushed them down my throat.
He came close to kiss me. I pushed him back and gave him a look of disgust. I was not clear of who I was in love with. I wanted to trust my diary as it made me feel better that I had guessed right about Ashruth. He was a jerk who had lied to me about everything. I even doubted if the story he had told me about myself was reliable. But why should he lie to me and give me the diary himself? It tells that he was a liar in black and white. He could have coolly hid this from me.
‘Meera.’ That was after a few times I heard him call me to bring back my consciousness.
‘Sorry.’ I said in a confused tone.
He looked into the room giving me several Watts of shock. I was scared he would ask for the diary.
He smiled and said ‘Don’t worry. You can continue reading it till night. I love you.’
‘You love me?’ I couldn’t hold back the words.
‘Yes. I did and I do. You were also in love with me.’
‘Do you have any other name?’ I asked to clear the darkened cloud that had slid in from my projected past.
‘No. Why?’
‘Just asked.’ I didn’t want to tip him that I was reading about Rohan, in case he hadn’t known it already.
‘Is anything wrong Meera?’ he asked with a concerned tone.
‘Nothing.’ I kept looking at him and the bed alternatively.
‘Hmmm. Call me if you want something. Now you can continue reading your diary that’s hidden under the bed.’ He gave a clever smile.
‘How did you know that?’ I asked.
‘I know what my darling’s face looks like when she does something mischievous. Your constant looks at the bed made it pretty obvious.’
I smiled a bit sheepishly.
‘Carry on with your reading. Remember, it’s your story. Read it slow and trust it completely.’ He turned his back to me and walked away.
I slammed the door and ran to the bed. I sat down and lifted the mattress. The diary was there. I gasped and pulled it out. I couldn’t wait a second more to know who Rohan was.
I started reading it again.
6: Deciding To Die
Past:
The sun’s rays swept my room. The clock ticked 6. My mobile gave an alarming sound which was its routine at 6 a.m., every day. The clock ticked 9 and I was still in my room, awake and still. I did not move a bit. I was still stuck with the thought that Rohan had cheated on me. I couldn’t come out of the thought. I was waiting for Santhosh to come back from Mumbai. Santhosh-my best friend, cousin, guide, well wisher, everything rolled into one. Someone banged my door and I was very sure that it would be Santhosh.
The moment I saw him, I hugged him and huge drops of my intense tears wet his shirt. He caressed the back of my head and said ‘Relax Mee. Relax please.’ He got free of my hold by pushing me a little away from him. He wiped my cheeks which were mascara-strewn.
‘Relax my dear.’ He said as we both came into my room and shut the door behind.
He made me sit on the bed and brought a bottle.
‘First drink some water and relax.’ He brought tissues as I drank water. He then wiped my face with the tissue. He held the back of my head with his right hand and clogged my nostrils with the tissue he held in his left. He asked me to blow my nose and I did. He wiped it off and went into the bathroom to cleanse his hands.
He has always been like that. He taught me to walk. He taught me to talk. He has always been closer to me than my parents. I have not lived a single day without him in my life.
He has always been a great support to me but I have never done anything for him in return. He has never complained about me being this way. Even as a child, I had always made him cry snatching his toys claiming them to be mine. When we grew up, I always won all the games we played fooling him. Knowing well that I had cheated he never complained but accepted it happily to let me enjoy the joy of victory.
Lost in thoughts from my childhood, I was shaken back to the present by San. He tied my hair that was entangled into ugly, unkempt locks. . He dragged the bean bag and sat near me with his chin resting on his netted fingers.
‘Tell me now. What’s wrong with you? Why have you locked yourself in the room the whole of last night? Why didn’t you attend the party last night? Why didn’t you even attend our calls?’ he asked one after the other with enough pause between each for me to answer.
‘Tell me dear.’ He held my hands and lifted my face to make me look at him.
‘You were right.’ I said feebly, ashamed of myself. ‘Rohan cheated on me. I shouldn’t have fallen in love with him.’ I said as I pursed my lips in remorse.
“I knew it before. I tried to tell you several times but you failed to listen”. He said, with shock and panic rising in his voice. As he saw my face welling up in tears ‘Never mind. You learn from your mistakes. Don’t you? No one can cheat my Mee, when her San is here. Can they?’
I shook my head saying ‘No one can.’ I kept saying ‘No one can’ ‘No one can.’
‘Yes, no one can. I am always with you Mee. Don’t worry about that B****rd. Don’t waste your tears for that worthless moron. He has always been a cheater. I am sure you’ll find your true love soon, someone who loves you more than anything. Wait for the day and you’ll find your prince charming. Now please don’t cry. I can’t see my Mee crying.’ He mimicked my crying voice.
‘Shut up.’ I hit him with the pillow that was beside me. He picked another and we started running around and hitting each other with the pillows leaving the room untidy.
‘Get fresh and come down soon for lunch. I am too hungry.’ He said and left the room taking along the smile that I had faked just for my San to be happy. The room was again as vacant as my life. My love was gone. My life seemed meaningless now. The dreams of living a life with Rohan was thrashed to debris in a day. I couldn’t think about sharing my life, my room
, my romance with anyone but Rohan. I had built a small world and had already started living with him, but he was gone. I wanted to try to talk to him one last time. I dialed his number continuously after the line being cut at the first ring by him. I cried aloud, as aloud as I could.
The beep of my phone interrupted my loud cry. It was a text from Rohan. I wiped my tears and looked at the name for a few seconds before I opened it. I prayed deeply and hoped for it to be a positive message from him. It was a message that could decide my life or death. I told myself “If it is negative I prepare to die.” ’ I opened the message and closed my eyes. I had experienced enough disappointment in the last few hours. I opened my eyes with the last leaf of hope clinging loosely to a weak branch of my life.
“Do not disturb. It’s over. You were lovely Meera, the best girlfriend so far. But I’m moving on for a better one. Move on.”
My wail intensified. The pain it instilled in me was more than I had ever experienced. I read it over and over again. It pained me more and more each time. The world seemed to break down right in front of my eyes, my world! I cried. I cried. I cried. I deleted the message and tried to pretend to myself that I hadn’t gotten such a message. But I couldn’t dissolve the pain in the river of imagination. My heartbeat raced and my lungs failed to intake any more oxygen. My throat clogged and my eyes drained. I hit my head so hard that it would break my skull. I pulled out a few strands of hair in agony. I couldn’t take it anymore. I decided to end it all. I sat on the dressing-table and opened the drawer. I shuffled everything inside and picked a pen knife from somewhere inside. I brought it close to the veins in my wrist. I threw the knife on the table and looked at my own self in the mirror. I cried a little more and re-decided to end it.
I picked the knife again and tried to cut open my throat. I went to an extent that the knife just touched the skin of my throat and I threw it again on the table. I pushed everything that was kept on the table on to the floor. Bottles of perfume broke hitting the floor and splashed their contents all around. The aroma filled the air. I was stuck up with choosing between a life I didn’t want to live and the death I didn’t want to die. Before I could decide on one clearly, someone banged on my door.
‘It’s me. Come soon.’ It was San.
I threw the knife into the draw and closed it swiftly. I set up the unbroken containers back on the table. The broken bottles were neatly pushed in beneath the bed without leaving any trace. Finally I looked around the room to ensure there was nothing that could bring up suspicion of what I was about to do. If San learns about my idea he wouldn’t allow me to relieve myself of the pain. A life without Rohan will be impossible for me, I realized.
I wiped my face so hard that it did not leave a trace of new tears. I glanced at myself in the mirror.
‘Mee. How long will it take for you to open the door? What are you doing?’ the banging frequency and intensity increased.
‘Breath-in. Breath-out.’ I relaxed myself and opened the door.
~
Present:
The door was banged. The more I read the more confused I was. The confusions and dilemmas in the present were adequate to force me to die, while the confusions from the past did its favors. I couldn’t differentiate what I had read from reality. I realized my cheeks being wet with tears. I had lived those pages as I read them. The diary faded out slowly and the image of Ashruth flashed in front of me. I quickly wiped the tears and had a glance at the mirror. I could relate to how Meera would have felt when Santhosh knocked the door. I opened the door with the impact of the scene from my diary still in me. I still couldn’t relate myself to the character Meera. I was reading it like reading a novel.
‘What do you want for dinner Meera?’ Ashruth asked with a smile, not knowing the terrifying scene I was reading. I couldn’t resist asking. ‘How do I know you? Did I really love you?’
‘Yes you did. I already told you Meera. I am the guy you loved and your parents wanted to get you married to.’ He casually said failing to understand the seriousness of my question.
‘Can you tell me the date we met?’ I wanted to directly turn on to that page and read a little from there.
‘January 2nd , 2010. The day it all began.’ He said with his eyes dreamy and supposedly romantic. .
‘Thanks.’ I slammed the door on his face.
‘What do you want for dinner?’ his voice crept through the closed door.
‘Anything.’ I shouted to be audible and avoid repeating and getting interrupted.
‘January 2nd? Isn’t it very close? How and why will I love someone, especially someone like this huge pumpkin, two days after I wanted to end my life? What’s the big change that he must have brought in my life for me to love him? I think this joker is bluffing and I had never loved him at all, never ever. I must have loved Santhosh. Somehow I liked Santhosh, without any reasons. This guy is giving me some kind of confusion-treatment. Pumpkin, nasty, huge, useless pumpkin.’ I hated him more than before for confusing me so much and pushing me to the edge of a nervous breakdown or burst my brain. I did not want to waste a minute before his next interruption.
I flicked through the pages and was shocked with the amount of content I was left with. Each day was described like a story for 3-4 pages. It seemed to me more like a suspense novel than a diary. Maybe I could still run away with this and make a living, selling it to publishers. I laughed at my own wit.
‘Should I directly read Jan 3?’ I had to make a crucial decision.
‘Let me continue. I might miss out something important.’ I decided about something, for the first time without any big confusion.
7: Marriage fixed
Past:
‘Please don’t tell anything to mom or dad. Please San.’ I said as we descended down the stairs leading to the huge hall.
‘Sure. I won’t. You please forget it, yourself. For my sake Mee. Please.’
‘I will try.’ I said avoiding looking at him.
‘Mee, Uncle and Aunt are planning to surprise you with something. I am sure you are not in a mood to take the surprise. Please don’t show it out to them that you dislike it.’ San said with a concerned tone.
‘What’s it?’ I stopped mid-way to the dining hall.
‘Nothing. Please don’t show out your real emotion to them. We can convince them later dear.’ He said as he pulled me to walk along.
‘Tell me now San. What’s it?’ I was stubborn.
‘What more do I have to face? Isn’t enough done for the day?’ I cried inside. I dropped my head down, looking at something in the distance.
‘Your marriage.’
‘With?’ I said and thought ‘I should have cut open my throat. I missed a chance to escape all the pain I have to face now’
‘A doctor.’
My head was still tilted down and I was looking at, I didn’t know what, at a distance. Before I could speak a word my tears spoke.
‘Don’t worry Meera. I will talk to uncle and aunt and see to it that this doesn’t happen. You please don’t cry. Uncle will get really upset. You know his health condition. Don’t you?’ he raised an alarming question that hammered my head and increased the pain within me.
‘He has arranged my birthday party tomorrow especially to invite all our friends and announce your wedding. He has already started inviting guests, all our friends, family and his business circle. He is very excited that this will surprise you. He is proud that he has found the right match for you.’ He said without taking a breath.
‘Please… Please wait. Give me a break San. What are you saying?’ I wasn’t sure if I was dreaming or if I was already dead. Nothing seemed to be real.
‘Yes, Meera. He wants you to marry that guy whom he thinks is a gem of a person. The doctor also likes you very much, it seems. I don’t even know who the guy is, how he looks or even his name. But uncle is fond of him and wants to make the doctor your husband.’
‘How could he decide that without asking me?’ I couldn’t restrain
the anger within my ribs anymore.
‘Who is he to decide?’ I yelled out in anger.
‘Please lower your tone. You know for yourself that uncle recently fought a heart attack. He has told everyone that his daughter will always agree to whatever he decides for her. He is immensely happy that he has chosen the best guy for you. Now, if you tell him that you don’t like this marriage and you had been in love with Rohan, who cheated on you, will he be able to take it all at once? Let’s make him understand that you need more time for your marriage, gradually. This is not the right time. Let things happen. Maybe the doctor is the best guy for you. Maybe that is the reason why destiny broke you and Rohan apart. Maybe you are destined to be with the doctor guy. Why don’t you wait and see if you like the doctor?’ he kept talking on and on and on just to convince me. He was very particular that I was convinced and also that his uncle, my father, was not let down under any circumstance.
When I was about to say something he said ‘I assure you that I will convince uncle to stop the marriage if you don’t like the guy. Ok?’
I nodded. I couldn’t think of anything else at the moment.
‘My darling will smile now.’ He pinched my cheeks and made me smile. I faked a smile among all oddities just for Santosh to be rest assured.
Dad was waiting for me at the dining table for lunch. He had never had his food without me. If I had to go out with friends for lunch, at times, he would wait till I was back and would eat only if he was sure that I was fed enough. Not just me, he treated San the same way. He loved the two of us more than himself.
While we were eating mom signaled dad about something. I knew she was asking him to talk about the marriage announcement. I felt like I was tied with thorn and thrown into a deep well of fire. The food, that I dumped into my mouth, to avoid the expectation of an answer, didn’t move a bit. I couldn’t swallow a bit of it; my throat was clogged with sorrow and fear, the fear of living.
Dad gestured her to start talking and they had a non-verbal, romantic fight of who should do the talking. I wanted to be like mom. I wanted us, me and Rohan to be as romantic as my parents. The way dad loved mom was nothing less than the way he loved me and San. If Rohan was like how I had imagined, we would have been like them, I’m sure.
Just You, Me and a Secret Page 4
