An hour passed after I came back home. I accidentally tuned into a news channel on the telly. I was shocked and I broken down. The Chennai airport was on fire; there were video clippings shown on TV where there was only smoke all over the place. It was a massive fire accident. A huge iron rod had hit your head wiping off your beautiful past. It was so cruel of fate to take away the love you had for me, Meera. It ripped away my Meera from you. The way you loved me, the way you used to smile at me; everything has become almost extinct.” He wiped his face which was fully wet with tears and continued speaking.
“..but I will wait for my Meera to be born again in you. I miss my Meera. Maybe you don’t really like me now. But once you loved me dearly. You gave me a reason to live, a reason to look forward to my future. I too had dreams of living a life like a pleasant poem with you Meera. Maybe I don’t look that good to you but I too have a heart, some expectations and dreams; the hopes that you had once nurtured in me. But I will wait till you like me again, Meera. But if you don’t like me at all it’s still okay. All I want is your happiness. I will look at you smile from a distance and live the rest of my life with the memories I cherish. I even told uncle that if I get to know that you don’t like me I will go to a place where no one can trace me. I will never come in front of you or your family.” His hand was around my waist, bringing me closer to him. I forced myself away.
I was disturbed with the story, already. I started to pity him, but for a while I wanted to be alone. I rose from the couch and walked towards my room, the room that had become mine in a very short span. He followed me till the room.
‘I want to be alone. I want to think.’ I said as I shut the door on Ashruth’s face. I felt bad for what I was doing to him. But I wanted to think.
‘I had loved Ashruth, given him hopes and now I don’t remember anything from my past. How will Ashruth feel? He had loved me truly and even now he is in love with me the same way. I can see that. He gave me the choice of not marrying him both in the past and even now. He is a nice guy. More than anything else, I had given him so much hope to an extent that I had even made love to him.’ The last few words echoed inside my skull. I felt like I was pushed to a corner by emotion, sentiment and situation. I had to take it up. It’s my own damn life though I don’t remember anything about it. It was me who had loved him. Maybe one day, I will remember everything and again feel the love I had had for Ashruth.’ I spoke to myself in silence looking at some random object in the room. Tears were rolling down my cheeks involuntarily. I shifted my glance to another random object and continued talking within the ribs.
‘But I don’t really like him now. I don’t even remember liking him. I had loved another guy, Rohan, in the past. I eventually forgot him. But does that mean I need to marry Rohan just because I loved him in my past? Isn’t this similar? What if I never get back my lost memory and live my life battling between my past love for Ashruth and present dislike? I will lead an unhappy life. Don’t I already have problems in abundance?’ I kept questioning myself without bothering to fish for an answer.
‘Rohan cheated me, did not come back to me after I forgot him purposefully. But Ashruth loved me and still he does. What was his fault? I lost my memory; does that mean he should forget everything too? Won’t it hurt him?’ The debate between my own thoughts drove me crazy. I planned to sleep leaving the rest to the next dawn. I twisted and turned on the bed but failed to lose my consciousness to sleep. Questions kept rising inside me and my head thundered in pain. I counted 1 to 100 and also from 100 to 1; still I was wide awake. I tried to concentrate in the darkness that spread around me when I closed my eyes; I still found myself awake. I tried to sing a song inside my head; I still was awake. I pretended to be asleep, and again I failed. I experimented a hundred ways to fall asleep failing all the time but did not give up.
16: Back home
‘Meera, Meera.’ I heard someone calling me in the darkness. I opened my eyes and saw Ashruth’s face close to me. I swiftly moved aside and looked at the clock. It was 6:00 am. I turned to him with an obvious expression that would have told him ‘Why the hell are you here this early?’ irritated, surprised and shocked look spread all over my face.
‘We are going to Coimbatore today, Meera. Everything is packed. You just have to get fresh and come along.’ He said as he caressed my hair.
I did not bother to ask any question. I was still not sure if it was a dream or if it was really happening. No matter what, I wanted this to go on for some time, for I had wanted this to happen for long.
I went to the bathroom and locked myself in. I did not know how to express my happiness for I was finally going out of this house and would get to meet people other than Ashruth. He meant something to me, already. I danced, I smiled, I sang within my voice box making sure that I wasn’t heard. More than anything, meeting Santhosh made me go crazy.
~
‘Where are we going?’ I asked as the taxi snail paced on the highly jammed road.
‘..to Coimbatore.’
I was very excited but hid my smile ‘Why?’ I asked just to make sure where we were heading.
‘..to meet your parents.’ He said.
I did not want to ask any more questions. The rest of the journey to the airport was spent in silence. We checked in and got into the flight to Coimbatore. He sat next to me in the flight but did not speak a word. I tried a few times to make him talk by just looking at him, he did not bother. I tried to initiate conversation but before any word reached my tongue he would have closed his eyes looking like he was sleeping or would have plugged on his ear phones. I assumed it to be coincidental. His hands did not, even accidentally, touch me and there were no romantic occurrences in the entire journey.
Finally, we reached Coimbatore. I was waiting for someone to receive us at the airport. I looked around for someone familiar, from the people I had seen in the photos.
‘Have my parents come here to receive us?’ I asked as he quickened his pace leaving me with no other choice but to follow him.
He just gestured a no.
I was worried why this fellow had suddenly stopped talking, touching and had stopped acting weird. I hated all of this but the sudden absence of everything irritated me, put me in confusion and suspicion.
‘Did I like all his nonsense? Am I missing all that now?’ I asked myself. ‘No way.’ I was trying to convince myself that I hated him and there ended the story.
We took a taxi to a street full of big bungalows. The car halted in front of a big iron gate that opened into a huge parking area full of cars. The moment the car halted in front of the house, someone opened the door for me. It was Prabhu, whom Ashruth called my dad from the photo. Nadhiya, my mom from the past stood beside him. I still wanted some time to feel like they were parents to me. My mother started to cry and my dad kissed my forehead and asked mom to take me in. He greeted Ashruth as well. Prabhu had tears in his eyes too. It was an emotional scene. The moment I went into the house, my eyes, heart and brain looked for just one person, San. I looked around with an expression that was obvious.
‘Meera, I am here dear. Look at me. I am your mom.’ Nadhiya said. She made me sit on an expensive couch in the huge, luxurious hall. I had expected a house similar to Ashruth’s.
‘You must be tired, sleep on my lap sweetheart!’ said Nadhiya and made me lie on her lap and pat my cheeks. I was waiting for this, someone to cry to. I knew I wasn’t strong but I was strong enough to contain all my tears until now. I was confused; I had lost a life and had no clue what I was upto. The frustration inside me started. I was on the lap of my mom and I couldn’t even feel like she was my mother. But it didn’t matter; I just wanted someone to cry to. So I did.
‘Don’t cry my dear. Mom is here to keep you happy. I can understand how frustrating it must be to experience all that you are going through now. I can understand that you don’t even feel that I am your mother, dear.’ Her hands cupped my cheeks and wiped my tears.
I couldn’t stay
with tears tapped anymore I broke down and splashed all the frustration, confusion and stress I had been suffering for a long time. I hugged her and cried to my heart’s content.
‘Mom.’ ‘Mom.’ I kept saying. It felt strange. I felt like I had been longing to call someone ‘mom’ and feel the motherhood in someone.
Dad came in with Ashruth. I heard him thanking Ashruth over and over again. Dad sat next to me and caressed my head.
‘My Meera, my angel is back. I won’t have any problems in life here on. I have all I need.’ He lifted my face, with his hands on my cheek, kissed my forehead again.
‘Dad’ I hugged him and cried.
‘What’s wrong with her voice?’ dad asked as non stop crying had made my throat sore.
‘She must not have spoken much after the operation and must have cried a lot. That’s why her voice is broken a bit.’ Mom said.
‘Right aunty.’ Ashruth said and smiled at mom.
‘Don’t keep reminding her that she has forgotten her past and don’t keep asking questions to her. It might strain her a lot.’ He said in a very low tone as he didn’t want me to hear it. But I couldn’t help, I heard it all.
‘Aren’t you hungry?’ Mom asked.
‘Don’t you know she must be hungry? Bring her some food.’ Dad told her as I lay on his shoulder with him patting the side of my face.
~
I opened my eyes and the huge hall was fully dark. I still felt someone’s hand on the side of my face. I could sense that I was lying on someone’s lap. Even my legs were on a raised surface. I lowered my leg and went on my feet. The lights were turned on. It was mom on whom I had fallen asleep and Dad had been a pillow to rest my feet. Dad was still asleep.
‘He hasn’t slept like this in days, darling. Let him sleep. Ma will make you some tea.’ She said as she held my hands and pulled me to the kitchen.
‘You sit here’ she made me sit on a dining table which was huge enough to host a dinner for 6 families. So large.
‘Here is coffee, your favorite. Mom made it for you.’ She said as she sat next to me tucking the hair that fell on my face, behind my ears.
I drank the coffee drop by drop.
‘Where is San..thosh?’ I asked feeling little awkward.
‘San will be here any minute.’ Tears edged mom’s eyes and she went into the kitchen giving me some excuse. She made it clear that she was hiding something from me.
‘Amma, how are you ma?’ asked an old woman.
‘Don’t you remember me, Amma? I am Lakshmi, your maid.’ The woman said as she wiped the table at the other end.
‘No. I don’t remember anything. Sorry.’
‘It’s okay Amma. I know about what had happened, in fact all of us know. Ayya and Amma were so worried about you. That doctor had asked them not to call you also, as a part of the treatment. They broke down. Santhosh thambhi also broke down.’ She said as she came close and sat near my leg, on the floor.
She looked around and made sure there was no one around. She lowered her voice and told me as a secret. ‘He started drinking Amma. He drinks too much. He keeps crying when he is not drunk. Amma is trying to hide it from Prabhu ayya. If ayya comes to know about this he will be angry and upset. Pavam amma Santhosh thambhi.(poor boy Santhosh) He loves you so much.’
‘What are you saying. Santhosh loves me?’ I was shocked.
‘Ayyo. Don’t you know? You guys were made for each other. I had never seen you and him apart from each other.’ She said.
I was surprised to know that. I was hoping everything she had said to me was true. Maybe that was the past I had not known from Ashruth or my own diary. I wanted to listen to her further more. I had already started liking this old female who told me exactly what I wanted to listen.
‘Amma, can I take this apple for my son? He has never eaten an imported apple.’ She asked with a sheepish smile.
I handed over the apple to her and asked ‘Can you tell me more about what happened to Santhosh and where he is?’
She rolled the apple in the sari she wore and tugged the sari to her waist. ‘Sure amma.’
‘Santhosh thambhi has always given very much importance to you. All of us, the maids, could see the love you both showed towards each other. We knew that your dad was going to marry you to him when you both were small kids. On the day of the party, we were all busy in the kitchen. Suddenly Prabhu ayya fell down. Then we were all sent to the kitchen. I don’t know what happened after that party day. Everyone in the house became more worried and you had also fallen sick. Nadhiya amma told us that you had caught severe viral fever and you needed some rest. We were not allowed even near your room. We were all worried about you. Santhosh started worrying from then on. After the fire accident, we saw a different Santhosh. He started to drink; we have never known of a bad habit he had had ever before.’ She spoke in a genuinely concerned tone.
My face shrunk. The thought that Santhosh had loved me and the way he would have felt when I had told him my love stories each time, disturbed me. A few drops of tears popped inside my lids and hung to the edge of my lower lashes. The drop slipped its grip and slowly fell on her hand that she had placed on her folded up knee. She realized that I was disturbed but she interpreted it in a wrong way.
‘Don’t worry. You are back and safe. Now Santhosh thambhi will be back to normal. You just tell him that you still love himmmmm.’ She extended the last word.
‘What happened?’ I asked with obvious surprise looking at how she suddenly stood up and started to wipe the table.
‘Amma’ she hushed.
‘Ya?’ I did not understand.
‘Hayo Nadhiya amma is coming.’ She said as she quickly showed me the direction with her eye balls which dropped back to the table almost instantaneously.
I looked in that direction and turned back to Lakshmi. ‘So what?’ I asked.
‘She has warned us not to talk to you about your past. It seems that the doctor has advised somethingggggg…. La la la hahaha’ she started to hum acting as though she hadn’t spoken anything to me. She stirred my already confused state of mind.
‘Do you want something Meera?’ mom asked as she sat down by my side.
‘I want to…’ I paused, controlling a bladder emergency.
‘Oh, sorry. Come let’s go into your room.’ She went upstairs to reach my room. I followed her. On our way I saw a room that was locked. I could guess it was Santhosh’s room.
‘Whose room is this…’ she turned to me. ‘ ..mom’
‘Santhosh’s room.’ She stopped walking. Her face shrunk and she frowned.
‘What happened mom?’ I asked seeing the marks of sorrow that were obvious on her face.
‘Nothing. Just come.’ She continued to walk. I followed her asking questions.
‘Where is Santhosh, mom? Why is he not here to receive me? I mean, I am here after a long time and he is not even bothered. Why?’
I kept asking even though she did not bother to answer or turn.
‘Tell me now, mom. I want to know.’ I raised my voice as she opened a door that opened up to a large, luxury suffocated room.
‘Why is he not here?’ I yelled.
‘Because he doesn’t even know you are coming.’ She said with the same pitch of voice as mine.
‘Why?’ I lowered my voice a little.
‘Because it’s been two days since he came back home. Even this, I say only as an assumption. No one knows when he comes in and when he goes out except the watchman. Even the details about when he came last, I collected it from the security. He has changed after your accident Meera.’ She closed the door leaving the two of us alone in the room.
‘Why mom?’ I asked.
‘He liked you so much Meera. He wasn’t able to take in that you met with an accident. He started to drink to avoid depression. Now he is addicted to drinks. You should only bring him back to normal before you leave this house.’ She said.
‘Why will I leave this house?’ I asked.
/> ‘It is obvious, my darling. You will get married soon. Even we want you to stay here with us forever. But our son-in-law strictly said you both should live with his money, in his income only. Nice guy.’
‘Who?’ I asked.
‘What who?’ she asked me in return.
‘Who? Son-in-law?’ I stressed on each syllabi.
‘Ashruth only! You both will get married soon, mostly by the next month.’
‘What?’ I was shocked. Her face reaction changed rapidly.
‘I mean, why so soon?’ I asked to suppress my shocked reaction.
‘You are sick now, Meera. As a mother, I was so much worried that Ashruth will reject the marriage proposal after your accident. I thought he wouldn’t accept you after all this. But he was genuine. He understood we were worried about your marriage. He said that he wouldn’t change the love he had for you, no matter what. He asked us what if the accident had happened after you were married to him. He is a nice guy. But we can’t take advantage of that Meera. We should get you married when he has this mindset. Also you guys were in love. So it’s better you guys marry each other soon.’ She said it all in one breath.
‘Mom, can I sleep for some time. My head is hurting badly.’ I pressed my head with my fingers and faked a headache. I wanted some time to think, to fathom what she had told me now.
‘Okay darling. Take rest. And there is the washroom.’ She pointed to the door and left the room shutting the door behind her.
Again, I was left alone with my questions and confusions that I had to tackle, all by myself. The only difference is that the room has changed and there was no Ashruth.
Just You, Me and a Secret Page 10
