by Nick James
I danced down the road listening to Prince singing about crying, dying pigeons or something and made it to the underground. Then I stopped walking as I took in the sight before me. ‘Oh no, no, no, no. Fucking no,’ I muttered. It was impossible. How could this happen? Was he following me? ‘That busking bastard.’ I balled my fists. This was war.
As we locked eyes, he even winked. Oh Jesus, he had a friend with him. As I got closer, I saw their sign: Karl Festa and the Morrissey’s. His friend was about seven feet tall and wearing a leather Elvis costume. He was grinding and thrusting away – but not to an Elvis song, it was Morrissey. I walked away with ‘Girlfriend in a Coma’ assaulting my ears. Not that I didn’t like the song, it was the fact that the man of leather had a very pronounced lisp. Bring on the slippery floor signs.
I silently wept on my way to work. It wasn’t as if I was a bad man, so why do these things happen to me?
As I walked into the Shimmering Dreams building and waved at the stony-faced bitches on reception, I made a mental note not to revisit my plans to hide a dump in the desk drawer. I followed the rest of the work sheep upstairs and finally made it to my desk.
Emily came in and gave my neck a tickle with her nails, but it was too early to do the M&M trick on her. Then I felt another tickle on my neck. ‘Mark, I warned you, you can undress me with your eyes, but no touching,’ I said seriously.
‘Awwwww, don’t fight it, Sam. One day we’ll be together.’ Mark chuckled and retreated to his desk to start work. He was a weird one. The strange thing was that our girls were still text friends and discussing getting together for a BBQ at Mark’s sometime. Mark and I were both worried.
I settled down to start the long day ahead. Work had started to push more and more accounts on me. This was okay, but with more work came more responsibility, and some of the dreams I checked left a bad taste in my mouth.
About an hour into my work day, Richard asked me to take some paper files to the fifteenth floor. I did ask why that was necessary as we live in a digital age, but the company needed this information to be collated then couriered to our lawyer. There was more to it, but the monkey in my brain started to bang his cymbals together. So off I went to the fifteenth as instructed, which was a virginal floor for me.
As the lift doors opened, my body nearly expelled every possible fluid. At the end of the corridor stood an excerpt out of one of the best horrors, The Shining. It was identical twin sisters Sarah and Sally Wallflower. Their piercing eyes and quick wit had cut down many a man wanting a ‘Dear Playboy’ moment.
Both had shoulder-length black hair, which matched their eyes and possibly their souls too. The scary thing was that they spoke together at the same time as one, and always with a soul-stripping smile on their faces. They were tall, curvy and had massive bangers to boot, which to me was their most endearing quality – I kept that to myself as I was fond of my manhood. With them always winking at me at the same time it was freaky.
Plus point: the walls weren’t awash with blood. ‘Hey, you two. I have some paperwork for you,’ I smarmed.
‘Hello, Sam. It’s been a while,’ they said and slowly walked up the corridor, each footstep timed together perfectly and silently. You could hardly hear any noise as they walked on the thin grey carpet. Red Arrows eat your heart out; never once were they out of sync. ‘We were happy to hear you weren’t…murdered.’
I shuddered. Their words said they were happy, but their eyes were aflame when they mentioned murder. ‘Thanks, ladies, it’s good to know you care,’ I said as they stopped only a foot away and their joint looks bored into my brain.
They smiled their little smiles, which once again made my mind scream, flee! But I fought that feeling as my bowels started to liquefy. I had to focus on that issue first.
One of them, not sure which, took the files from my loose grip. ‘Don’t be a stranger, Sammy,’ she said. Then together they turned and walked away, swaying their hypnotic hips as they went. ‘Oh, Sammy…’ They stopped instantly and both looked over their shoulders, so their faces were close together.
‘Yes?’ I answered, whilst trying to work out how I could disappear.
‘You still with Bunny?’ they asked.
I just nodded. Their smiles then disappeared like my pay cheque on a long weekend.
‘Shame. Bye, Sam.’
Thankfully, I made it to the lift, pressed my floor number and continued to watch their hips sway as the lift doors closed. I sighed with relief as it started to move me back to safety. But suddenly I noticed the lift was going up.
Floor by floor I watched the numbers go past the twentieth, which I thought was the top. I thought of Charlie and the Chocolate Factory where the lift flies out of the top of the building, or was that Speed with my buddy Keanu?
The doors slid open to reveal two men who blocked my view of everything. They were huge with no necks. One was black and the other white and they were wearing those earpieces like on TV. What I could see was that this floor was devoid of all the normal things that made ours the prison they were. All I could see was electrical conduits and heating pipes, but in between the walking man-mountains was a desk with a computer and only one chair.
‘Oi! What are you doing up here?’ the white one said. He didn’t seem to have control over one of his eyes, as if it was busy hunting a fly in its own time.
‘Er…what? I was going down,’ I muttered while mentally giggling at the statement. Not the time, Blades, I thought. ‘And suddenly it shot up here, wherever here is,’ I concluded, looking at the two walking shadows. I looked at the floor number on the digital display, but it only showed a star symbol.
The dark-skinned one, who reminded me of The Rock, leaned over me, and that’s when I started to miss the twins. ‘You don’t need to know where here is,’ he growled aggressively and pushed a sausage-like finger into my well-toned chest – well, chest anyway.
‘Fine, just let me push the lift button for the floor I need, then,’ I pleaded in a manly way, which came out in squeaks.
The crazy-eyed one pushed me to the back of the lift. ‘You’re staying right here, son. Mr Sanderson wishes to leave…now,’ he said, standing in front of me as a well-dressed man walked in.
The man didn’t even give me a look, but he reminded me of Robert De Niro out of Goodfellas. I wondered if I watched too many films, then dismissed the silly thought.
The floors flitted by and The Rock purposely stood on my foot. The steroid-ridden gorilla, I thought very quietly.
When we reached the lobby, they walked out without a backwards glance at me. Even the two soulless creatures on the front desk lowered their heads as they passed.
I pressed the thirteenth-floor button and the doors closed. ‘What the fuck just happened?!’ I shouted as I hopped about holding my shattered foot that the Neanderthal motherfucker had crushed. ‘Who the hell was Mr Sanderson?’
Chapter 7
The Unknown Man
‘You don’t fucking own me. I control my destiny, not you,’ I ranted down the phone, twirling my lucky domino piece in my fingers.
‘That is where you are wrong. We have been very lenient with you…so far, but we need more,’ the female voice said calmly.
I downed some Scotch and rubbed my hands over my hair-free head. ‘I can’t get anymore, I told you that, we are all being watched,’ I said angrily as I refilled my glass.
‘Our other operative said it had relaxed somewhat, after some excitement between two members of staff,’ the amused woman explained, ‘so you should fulfil your quota easily.’
The drink burned this time. Why did I ever get involved with these Dragon bastards? ‘I know of your other operative and his Chinese girlfriend, and so does everybody else. Trust me, Mr Blades is still being watched, at all times,’ I spat back at the woman who was my curse to know.
She just laughed a tinkling laugh. ‘Of course, I have heard of this gentleman, but I warn you away from him. His partner and her parents hold a great deal of p
ower. If or when it is revealed, it could crush us all,’ she said coldly. ‘Do not push us. We know your secrets and your so-called tastes. We will not sever our friendship.’
‘Friendship, you call it. It’s blackmail pure and simple.’ I laughed and drank some more and looked at the shimmering stars in the night sky. ‘I’m not scared of you. I have resources and friends at my beck and call. So, you push me, and I will end you…bitch!’
The line went silent for a time, just small breaths being taken. ‘Last chance. We expect the delivery on time and the quantities we have agreed on. Have a good evening,’ she said, then the line went dead. It would have happened anyway as I threw my phone against the wall.
‘Fuckers. I’ll bury them.’
Chapter 8
Michael McAllister
‘Ah, Mike, come in. How are you?’ John Jones asked me.
I nodded at him. ‘Not too bad, thank you,’ I answered, apart from snorting coke off Suzie Q’s chest while my girlfriend was er…busy at the other end of me. Mental note: buy softer cushion for work chair. My mind buzzed as I was still off my face right now; it seemed that the world was spinning a little faster today.
‘Good, good, and how is Mr Blades doing? The reports I’ve had say he’s been doing good work,’ Jones said while flicking through his files. ‘But he does like to tease his team leader.’
I did chuckle at that. Only yesterday Richard complained that he woke up to find twenty inflatable spaceships in his garden. ‘Oh, it’s all in good taste. Well, apart from the HR manager. He shouldn’t have sent him an invitation to a girls netball tournament,’ I said.
Jones almost cried from laughing so hard. ‘Good lad. Anyway, the boss wants us to leave him alone, but Kettering is still worried about the Hong Kong and Chinese connection,’ the internal security director said, looking at his drinks tray. ‘Too early?’
I shrugged. Was there ever such a time of day? I checked my watch. It was 11 a.m. ‘Has to be happy hour somewhere, sir,’ I added and saw him smile as he spun the cap off a bottle of Scotch. Sweet nectar of the gods, I love breakfast, my mind said, almost crying with relief. Once he slid the glass over, I grasped it like my firstborn.
‘Albert is getting twitchy. He is trying to find something on Blades’ girlfriend’s parents, but all he can get is that they are ex-Hong Kong police. No department or first names,’ he said before gargling the whisky.
‘Well, I asked Blades about them, but all he said was that they don’t like their names, they get very defensive over it, so he calls them Mum and Dad,’ I explained, then recharged my soul with the fuel from the gods themselves. I’m using a lot of religious phrases recently. Am I finding God?
The older man poured us both another healthy portion of Scotch. I wished I was a director; all his helpers’ desks faced away from his glass office wall. ‘We have decided to give you more responsibilities, Mike. You and the Dreyfuss team will now be working on the all ages accounts. I was worried that we were showing our hand, but if his workmates are working on the same things he may loosen up,’ he explained.
I frowned and swirled the beautiful amber liquid around my glass. Drink me, Mike. Please, I need you, it sang to me, so who was I to deny it. I threw it down my throat. Heaven. ‘Er…to what end, sir?’ I asked, my eyes begging for another drink.
‘Albert thinks he’ll make mistakes if he’s relaxed,’ Jones said, tucking his bottle away.
Noooooooooooooooo, my mind screamed as my liver and kidneys thanked for small mercies. ‘Are you sure he’s the leak, sir? He doesn’t seem the type?’ I said, trying to hold back the tears for my empty glass, but happy that they were still keeping a secret eye on my patsy.
‘It all fits. We have had some product appear on the Net from Chinese sources, and since he’s been here it has increased, but his PC is always clean,’ Director Jones growled as his eyes dropped to the bottle again. ‘Anyway, time will tell. We’ll up all your security clearances and the pay grades as well, that should get him comfy.’ He then waved me away. ‘But remember, the boss isn’t to know. This is just to keep Kettering from going on a witch-hunt and making all our lives a misery.’
‘Yes, sir, have a nice day,’ I said and walked out with a very nice buzz going on.
Chapter 9
Sam Blades
Thank any Deity of your choice. It’s Friday and we had all been told about a pay rise and new job roles. I told Richard he could afford that bigger boat now, but I don’t think he likes my jokes anymore. I’d better cancel that subscription to Trawlers Monthly, for now.
We headed to a different pub this time, so I had to go home on a different tube line, alongside Mark who tried his best to link arms with me – something is really broken in his head. But, plus point, we missed the bastard busker of Barking who had followed me to my new home of Canning Town.
On the upside, I made a new friend: Pam Pam the bag lady. She was even smaller than Bunny, about the size of a hobbit, and wore five overcoats while collecting pieces of string from the ground around our flat to do her so-called crocheting. But, to be honest, when she showed me some of her work it was hard to see what was wool, string or her hair. In one piece I thought there was a pigeon leg in her creation. I give her some money now and then just to see that goofy smile. I am like Jesus in many ways.
We headed towards the tube when Mark gave me a shove.
‘Hold your own hand, dick,’ I spat.
‘Not that! Is that Bunny over there?’ Mark said, pointing across the busy rush hour road, making us stop and stare.
Yes, there she was talking to a tall Chinese man. That’s when I saw her pass him a manila envelope, after which they exchanged a few more words before parting.
‘Well, that was fucking weird,’ I said. As we continued our journey, I watched Bunny head back to her work.
‘Do you think she could be a spy?’ asked Mark with a chuckle.
I must admit it wasn’t a ridiculous thought. ‘She certainly has the skills for it,’ I said and joined the laughter. ‘I’ll ask her when I get home. So, if I don’t see you on Monday, you know why.’ We carried on amongst the other salmon swimming upriver towards the tube station.
‘No problem. Oh, by the way, Kate and Bunny have agreed for you guys to come over for a BBQ. Kate will be inviting some of her friends too,’ he explained nervously. As he said that, we mentally played out how the day would go.
‘What are her friends like?’ I asked.
Mark closed his eyes and sighed. ‘Same as Kate. They’re old school friends and, you know, ex-work people.’
‘Hmmm… Ah well, I’ll bring my gumshield, then,’ I said, making us both roar with laughter before parting to catch our trains.
‘Bloody suit of armour more like,’ said Mark before blowing me a kiss.
‘He’s fucked in the head,’ I muttered to myself while getting strange looks from passers-by. Although, as it was London, it most probably to do with my language and not the act. On the way home, I had to decide whether to broach what I saw.
Chapter 10
Bunny Li
Right, quick walk back to the office, send a few emails and head home to try and convince Sam to rub my feet. My phone buzzes. ‘Talk of the devil,’ I muttered, and half expected him to ask me to bring home the food of my people, or him and his work peeps singing ‘Don’t You Want Me’ by The Human League – they haven’t got tired of doing that yet.
Yet it was neither. It was a text from my contact. What did he want? I had only just left him on the street. I checked my phone while trying to watch out for people who desire my phone more than I do. Miss Li, we were watched during our transaction today. Please see image attached, GM.
I opened the image and prayed that our professional relationship hadn’t gone south. As the image appeared, I let out a sigh of relief. It wasn’t a dick pic, but I was half right – it was a picture of two dicks. My Sam and Kate’s boyfriend, Mark, had seen me and were looking vacant as normal. Shit, I thought and replied to
the text: GM, it’s fine. I know them. I will control the situation, Li.
The trip back to the office went quick enough. The taxi driver wasn’t that talkative, so I could come up with a plan to explain to Sammy what I was doing. He most probably thinks I’m a contract killer or a spy and being with Mark wouldn’t help his imagination from going crazy. Anyway, my boss didn’t even know I had left the building. Ah, big business – can’t beat it.
It did worry me a bit about Sam, but now wasn’t the time to tell the truth. Luckily, he’s easy to distract. I picked up my phone and sent him a loving message: ’Ello ’arry Potter. I desire to be undressed and cleansed in the shower. Please make sure your wand is ’ard. Love Fleur xx.
Job done. I get my hair and body washed and spend the rest of the night being pampered like the princess I should be. I love my pervy boyfriend.
I managed to get home at a decent time, and there was my man with a chilled bottle of wine and dinner on the table. He’ll make a lovely wife one day, I thought. Over dinner he questioned me a bit about the man in the street and the letter I handed him. Sam was a bit upset that I wasn’t a spy. Although he took it in his stride as he stripped off my dirty work clothes, I knew his heart wasn’t in it, but the explanation of it being just work stuff seemed to work as he was at his best with a loofah in the shower.
Chapter 11
Friday, Birmingham
Albert Kettering, Shimmering Dreams External Security Director
I’ve had enough of all this shit. The bloody CEO has tied my hands. But I do not fail, in anything. I managed to pinpoint Mr Blades’ girlfriend’s parents. I made it to the Flying Dragon Takeaway in Smethwick, which was a bit of a shithole. I’ve been in war-torn countries with more appeal. But I needed to get some information on her parents.
