by J Marie
The ride to the convenience store is utterly silent. It wears on me. The fact that I may have a tiny human growing inside me freaks me the hell out, but I also feel somewhat attached to the idea.
A tiny Brooks and I. A little life. We may or may not have a little peanut on the way. Another tear slips down my cheek, and I wipe it away. I want to break down, shut the world out, and cry myself to sleep, but I can’t do that right now.
She pulls up to the curb outside the store, and we get out. My heart is in my chest as we make our way to the aisle that houses pregnancy tests. I’ve been in this aisle before, but it’s not the same. Before it was for condoms, now I’m looking at pregnancy things. Had I been in this aisle a couple of months ago, then maybe I wouldn’t now be looking at the pregnancy tests. I internally slap myself. Knock it the hell off, Mia.
“How in the hell do you choose? There are like six different choices.”
She shrugs and starts pulling them from the shelves into the basket. “Easy. Get one of each. Then you’ll know for sure.”
“I don’t have that much pee, Zar.”
“Well, grab some bottled waters on the way out. That’ll help the flow. Ha, ha. Get it, flow.”
“Not helping…” I mumble. In my haste to get to the store, I completely forgot my wallet. Tears form at the corners of my eyes, and I feel like I’m on the verge of a complete breakdown.
“Oh, good Lord, what now?” Zara looks over at me.
“I forgot my wallet at home.”
“No worries. I got you. What are best friends for, right?”
“Thanks, Zar.” I smile at her, but it feels fake. I don’t know what to think right now. Being pregnant is a huge kink in all of the plans I’d made.
Ha, the girl who doesn’t even believe in love gets knocked up. Doesn’t it figure?
She pays for the six tests and mouths off to the older checkout lady when she looks at us like prostitutes. This is why we’re friends.
Zara looks over at me when we get back in the car. “I can see a million things running through your mind. Look, it’s going to be okay.”
“It’s fucking karma, isn’t it, Zar? The girl who doesn’t even believe in love is more than likely knocked up. How am I going to do this? How am I going to tell Brooks?”
“I think he’s going to be just fine with it, sweets. Like put a ring on your finger and buy you that house on the corner of suburbia with a white picket fence in love with you. I can tell these things.”
“And how can you tell that exactly? I’m pretty sure we have the same feelings on love.”
“Just because I don’t believe it, doesn’t mean I’m blind. He’s completely gone for you.”
“He likes the hot sex we have, that’s all.”
“You keep telling yourself that if it’s how you sleep at night.”
“I’m in an emotional crisis over here, and you’re telling me how to sleep at night?”
“What did you expect, Mia? We’ve never been the ooo and ahhh type. You’re my bish, you know that, but this is even out of my league. Empathy isn’t my strong suit.”
We get back to the apartment, and I have an overwhelming feeling of dread pooling in my gut. What if it’s really just a stomach flu? Would I really be disappointed? I walk into the bathroom, and Zara follows. “You wanna watch me pee, Zar?”
“No, I’m just providing emotional support shit and all that.”
“Thanks.” My eyes get misty, and she laughs at me. “Hey, don’t laugh.”
“If you aren’t pregnant, there’s something seriously wrong with you…”
I pee in front of my audience of one on six different sticks. “The box says two to three minutes until we know for sure, Mia.”
I nod, wanting to scream and cry. I chew my nails down to the nubs, my nerves all jacked up like I shot straight heroin into my veins. But that would be bad for the baby, my mind whispers.
The two minute time I set on my phone dings, I look at Zara, and she smiles. “Deep breath, girl.”
I’m frozen to the toilet seat. “I can’t.”
“Okay, I’ll look.” She takes a moment to look at each stick in front of her, and my heartbeat pounds more with each second that passes. “Well, the jury has decided that you’re definitely growing a bun in there.” She holds up all six sticks, and sure enough, every single one has a pregnant, two pink lines, or plus signs. My heart sinks. It’s true.
“Looks like I’m pregnant.”
“It’s definitely Brooks’ right, Mia?”
“Yeah, he’s the only one I’ve been sleeping with. We agreed to be mutually exclusive while we were fucking.”
“Well, looks like you’re going to be a little bit more exclusive now… you’re going to be a mom, Mia.”
My heart quakes at the thought. “I’m scared shitless, Zar. I don’t know how to do this. You know my childhood. My mother was a piece of shit. What if I end up just like her?” Tears slip down my cheeks, and I can’t hide the fear that escapes with each droplet.
She wraps me in a tight hug. “You are better than your mother, Mia. So much better, and I know that you’re going to be a great mom.”
I notice a tear slide down her face and pull back. “Hold up, is that an emotion, Zara? Do I see a tear shed for me?”
“Get over it. I’m trying to be an emotional support or whatever shit you call it. Now, do you want a hug or not?” I nod my head, resting it on her shoulder as she hugs me. I have no idea where we go from here or what will happen when I finally grow balls and tell Brooks he’s going to be a dad.
“Seriously, though, how are you feeling other than scared shitless?”
“I think this is…shocked. Yeah, I think I’m just shocked. I never thought I would be in this position. For years, I’ve played it safe. Brooks comes crashing in, and all of a sudden I can’t tell up from down, left from right, on from off. I don’t really know what to think.”
“If you want, I can stay here until Brooks gets home? I’ll leave once he’s here. I just don’t want to leave you alone right now.”
I nod, stifling a tear. “You’re my best bish, and I love your face.”
“I love your face too. Now, what was it that you wanted earlier?”
“Wavy lays chips and chocolate sauce?”
“That sounds horrible. Do you have some?”
“Yep, sure do. Chips in the pantry and chocolate sauce is in the fridge.”
“Okay, let’s go sit on the couch.” She tucks me under a blanket on the couch and puffs up the pillow behind me. I can’t think straight right now, so I appreciate her thinking for me. I sit there numb, not sure of anything other than the fact that I am for sure pregnant. Running my hands over my still skinny stomach, I wonder when I’ll see the baby bump everyone talks about. I hear Zara rustling around in the kitchen, and she appears in front of me minutes later. My weird ass craving in her hands.
“You’re my favorite person right now.”
“I know I am. Now scoot your fat ass over, I’m sitting on the couch too.” I huff, trying my best to pretend to pout over giving up my space but then I just accept it.
My phone dings, and I see Brooks’ name pop up on the screen. A smile tugs at the corner of my lips, and I wonder what he’s sending me this time. He’s been genuinely trying to figure out this sexting thing, and even though it’s still horrible, I appreciate the effort he’s putting into it.
Brooks: How’s my sexy little pixie doing this afternoon, missing me?
Me: You could say that.
Brooks: You going to get wet for me later tonight? I want to lick your cotton candy pussy until you swear allegiance to the empire.
Me: Oh God, Brooks. Did you really just Star Wars theme sext me?
Brooks: Um… *shrugging shoulders emoji*
I can’t help but laugh out loud. In the midst of my anxiety, he still manages to take my mind off of it only for just a few seconds. I show it to Zara, and she laughs along with me. “I thought you said he was a bos
s in bed?”
“Oh, he is. He’s just absolutely horrible at sexting, no matter how many times we try.”
“Well, I guess it’s good he’s better in person. I mean, obviously, he must be doing something right, or he’s just got mega swimmers. Either way, you’re the evidence of his amazing skills in bed. Less than two months, and you’ve got a bun in the oven.”
I throw a pillow at her, shaking my head. “Have you lost your mind?”
“Nope, just wanted to see you smile again. It’s been a hard day. Might as well have a little fun with it. Have you figured out how you’re going to break the news?”
“I figured I would get a big banner and hang it on the front door so I can really freak him out before he can start processing it when he comes in?”
“That’s a horrible idea…”
“I know… I just. I don’t want him to think I trapped him into this when I’m the one who told him that I didn’t want to label us.”
“I don’t think he’ll think that at all.”
“How do you know? You’ve never even talked to him.”
“Not true, sometimes he asks me to hand him a glass or bottle of alcohol at the bar. Occasionally, I’ll say something off the wall and mildly inappropriate just to freak him out or give him that cute little blush he gets when he’s embarrassed.”
A laugh escapes me. “You’re a dork. Do you know that?”
“I resent that. I am not a whale penis.”
“That is not what a dork is… is it?”
“Look it up, I swear to God, it’s a whale dick.”
I pull up Google on my phone and type in whale dick called dork. Sure enough, the results pull up, and she’s right. I start reading it word for word. “The blue whale’s penis, or dork, is the largest that ever existed. The average size for an adult male is 5m (15ft). The testicles weigh 10kg (22lbs).”
“Holy shit. 15 feet long, and it’s balls weigh 22lbs! 22lbs! Jesus.”
“Told you! Just think about swimming around with that shit. Like, look here, ladies. Look at my enormous whale dick. I don’t know about you, but I’d let that shit all hang out like… Look. At. My. Dick, y’all!” The hand gestures match how she’s talking, and I’m laughing so hard tears are streaming down my face.
“Isn’t that stuff internal on whales? I’ve never seen a whale swimming around at the aquarium with balls hanging out, and I think you’d notice 22lbs of them!”
“Oh, so maybe he has a blowhole for his dick. Like… peek a boo. Now you see dick, now you don’t?”
I’m rolling with laughter, bent over on the couch, holding my stomach.
“And I thought Brooks had a massive dick.”
Zara perks up. “Let’s take a minute and talk about it, shall we?”
I shake my head. “No…we aren’t discussing his dick.”
“Then why’d you bring it up, freaking party pooper man. At least tell me how big we’re talking here like…average man size five inches… or eight inches… or like huge at nine inches?
“Huge.”
She fans her face dramatically. “Damn, you probably got knocked up just looking at the damn thing. One look, and it’s like oops, definitely pregnant.”
“You’re a trip today.”
“I aim to please ma’am.” She salutes me, and I can’t help but grin. “Hey, speaking of shocking news. Did Brooks tell you?”
“Did Brooks tell me what?” I look at her with concern. What am I missing?
“Brooks and Donatello used to be friends. They came from the same compound.”
My eyes widen. “Interesting. I noticed them talking at the bar the other day, but I wasn’t close enough to hear the conversation.”
“It’s funny how small this world really is, some days, but apparently that compound turns all the men into sex fiends when they leave.” She laughs, and I can’t help but shake my head. Brooks is definitely into all the sex. Not that I mind it. “Don said that his name used to be Matt Singleton and that he had to change it when he escaped. What kind of a place did these guys come from? It’s just so weird. I can’t even imagine how Brooks feels, finding out that one of his friends has been alive this whole time after being told he was dead…”
Is finding this out in addition to my news too much? Anticipation of what Brooks will say creeps back into my cerebral cortex. Similar to a kettle brewing before it whistles. Anxiety snakes its way into every part of my body. I should be worried about why Brooks didn’t tell me something so monumental like finding someone he thought was gone, but it’s the farthest thing from my mind.
I’m going to be a mom. I’ve never dreamed of being a mom; hell, I decided my sophomore year of college that boys would only ever be play toys for the rest of my life. Look where that got me…
I wish I’d had a mother that loved me. I wish she had sheltered me from watching her get addicted to drugs and making bad choices.
I have no one to talk to. No one that can give advice to calm me down and tell me that everything’s going to be okay even though it managed to fall apart brilliantly in the course of just an hour. Zara’s older than me by five years, and although we goof off and act like idiots most of the time, she’s the closest thing I have to a big sister. I have Macy too, but she’s off living with her dog rescue sex god. Too busy to be bothered with my nonsense. And she doesn’t need to deal with my issues either.
Me: When are you going to be home tonight?
Brooks: Same time as always. You need anything on my way home? I can stop. I don’t mind.
Swoon! Why is he always so nice, I just don’t understand?
Me: No, I’ll see you when you get here.
Brooks: Miss you.
Me: Miss you too.
He’d taken to texting me randomly and telling me he misses me. The first couple of times, I tell him it isn’t possible that he misses me because he’s only been gone a few hours, and he responds that he’ll always miss me when I’m not with him because I’m home for him. He hasn’t pushed me again or mentioned anything about wanting more or to label us, and I’m happy with that. He’s slowly letting me come to terms on my own without feeling pressured. I don’t do well under pressure—case in point.
After setting the phone down, I lay back and prop up my feet.
“Was that Brooks?” Zara looks over at my phone.
“Yep, just checking to see when he was going to be done tonight.”
“And…”
“Same time as always.” Looking at the clock, I mentally count down the minutes and seconds I have until he gets here. Fifty-five minutes stand between me and the biggest conversation I will ever have in my life. When I asked Brooks to move in with me, I never realized it would change the rest of my life, literally.
Thirty minutes later, and my skin is coated with sweat. My hands are clammy, and I’m pacing the room. Zara keeps telling me to sit down, but I can’t. I have to walk, do something because my nerves feel like a spark plug waiting to be lit. Tiny pin pricks that sting just enough to be irritating. Things will either go well tonight, or they will go horribly wrong. Given my past and everything bad that’s ever happened, I’m thinking the odds aren’t in my favor for a good outcome.
Admitting that I don’t have feelings and hoping that Brooks is happy is dirty because it’s a blatant lie. I want him to be happy because I care. I just hope that when the time comes, he doesn’t leave me shattered on the floor, split open with gaping wounds.
For once I want someone in my corner. Someone willing to fight for me. Who will set off flares just to remind me that he needs me as much as I need him.
Anxiety swarms through my veins like angry bees. As I stand outside, I calm my breathing. A sense of foreboding overwhelms me.
Mia’s never texted me to ask when I was coming home before, so I’m not sure what I’m about to walk into. Cement sits in my gut, and worry ebbs and flows in my mind. Is she going to kick me out? Stop having sex with me? I still need time… time to convince her of how good we
are together.
Opening the door slightly, I catch sight of Mia, and it has my nerves standing up at attention. Mia is pacing and cracking her knuckles, an anxious habit I’ve seen her doing previously.
Obviously, something has her worked up, and I want to run to her and fix everything with a big ass hug. I don’t know the reason for the waterworks streaming down her face. Her makeup is smudged and trailing tracks down her cheeks. She’s the cutest little raccoon ever.
My heart beats as if it may just rip from my chest to get to her. “Mia, what’s wrong? What happened? You’re freaking me out right now.” She runs for me, and I brace myself to catch her as she launches herself into my waiting arms. I pull her close and inhale her cotton candy scent. My lips press a gentle kiss on her forehead. She’s not warm… so she’s not sick. I can mark that off the list. I see Zara getting her stuff together in the living room, and she gives me a warm smile. Mia leaves me momentarily to say goodbye to Zara, and I don’t miss when she whispers, “You’re right, one look does it.”
I’m confused by her comment, but I don’t question it. Zara is odd, to say the least, but she’s good for Mia. She’s there when I can’t be. She lets herself out the front door and closes it softly behind her.
Mia strolls back over to me, looping her arms around my neck and kissing me with white-hot passion unlike anything she’s given me before… as if she’s pouring her heart and soul into this kiss. That’s gotta be a good thing, right? Maybe this means she isn’t kicking my ass to the curb.
She pulls back to look at me. “How was your night?”
An odd question, but I’ll bite. Something’s clearly bugging her, so I’ll let her tell me in her own time. “It was kind of dull. I have something to tell you.”
She looks unsure but nods. “Okay?”
“You know Donatello, right? He’s been hanging out with Zara?”
“Yes…”
