by Leta Blake
“You’re not fine!” She flung her arms wide. “You fly all over the world, trailing after bands, and you barely call home, and you don’t text or write, and you don’t know how to love, and—”
“I know how to love, Mama,” he whispered. “I don’t trust it to last. It’s different.”
“It’s not!”
“It is.”
She blew her hair out of her face. “Oh, for fuck’s sake, RJ, we aren’t children. Let’s not be ridiculous here. Love is trust. Don’t you get it?” She reached out and grabbed his hand, squeezing hard. “Love is trust.”
Chapter Twenty-Two
Can you come over?
That was all the text said, but it was all RJ needed. He’d practiced with the Old Skool Millennials at Joel and Casey’s place after his long talk with his mom had finally ended with her sobbing in his arms and him crying a little too. They’d said a lot of scary things to each other, but they’d made it through. It was more than he’d expected when the conversation had started, but a pretty big dent had been made in the mountain of things kept unsaid for far too long.
The band had added a few more songs to their repertoire for the shows this week, so he was able to get his mind off things during the rehearsal itself. But no sooner had he climbed back into the SUV than his mind had gone racing back to Aaron, and then ping-ponged around the conversation with his mom.
The text was perfect timing.
Yes. I’m on my way.
That was all he sent back, but it said more than maybe even Aaron knew. Yes, I’ll drop everything to come to you. Because he was in love.
And he knew from experience how precious and fleeting that feeling was, so he’d indulge it while it lasted. He’d do anything for Aaron right now. One day in the future, probably before he even left for his next tour, they’d fight, or figure out each other’s flaws, and the shine would wear off. They’d part ways, hopefully amicably, but maybe not, and so it would go. But for now, he would indulge his lover’s whims, and happily.
Besides, going home felt too awkward right now. After everything he’d admitted to his mother, and she’d admitted to him, a little space would be good for them. And absolutely no space at all would be perfect with Aaron. They could lose themselves in all the sweaty, cummy potential of their bodies. Zero space between them.
But when he arrived at Aaron’s apartment, any ideas he might have had about sex flew out the window. Aaron opened the door wearing a pair of soft sweatpants that hung off his narrow hips, a worn-out T-shirt with a stretched collar exposing the line of his neck, and the saddest pair of eyes RJ had seen in a long time. Sadder even than his mother’s during their difficult talk. There was a deep hopelessness in Aaron’s gaze that had been absent from his mom’s, a lack of fire.
“What’s wrong?” RJ asked, taking off his leather jacket and hanging it up on the rack beside the door before following Aaron into the living room.
The silver tree still sparkled, but the colored lights weren’t turned on, and it looked a little dimmer than it should. Like Aaron.
“Something happen at school today? Your mom?”
Aaron patted the couch beside him, and RJ took the spot. He took hold of the back of Aaron’s neck to drag him into what looked like a very necessary hug. But Aaron dislodged his hand, pulling it between his own to hold in his lap. One knee up on the sofa, and the other bare foot on the floor in a half cross-legged position, Aaron stared quietly down at their joined hands.
“Your stepbrother is a student of mine.”
“Carter?” RJ blinked in confusion. “Why didn’t you say… Oh, you didn’t know.” Aaron nodded. “Until today.” Another nod. “How?”
“Doug and Betsy’s house isn’t in my school’s zone. I assumed I was safe. You know what they say about assumptions…” Aaron winced.
“Ah. I think he still goes to his old school from before the divorce. Over near where his mom lives.” RJ groaned. “Which, yeah, probably zones him for Pineview. Fuck.”
Aaron swallowed, wiping his fingers over his tired eyes. “That makes sense.”
“So what happened?”
“He went to the principal—my mother—about it.”
RJ tried to figure out what that meant. “I don’t understand.”
“He somehow knows we’re seeing each other. He told her.”
“He turned you in? For seeing me?”
“I have no idea what he said to her. It all blew up too fast for me to even discern what Carter’s motivations were.” He blinked rapidly. “It was just…kerblewy. She accused me of…things. I lost my temper. She lost her temper. I stormed out. I…I left school. In the middle of the day. I’ve never done that before.”
RJ shifted so that he was mirroring Aaron’s position on the sofa, never pulling his hand away, letting Aaron clench it for comfort. “Okay.”
“It’s not okay, RJ.”
“Why not?”
Aaron looked down at their hands and his shoulders sagged. “I didn’t tell you everything about my past. When you asked me why I switched schools and what was going on with my mother, I left out a key piece of my history.”
“Why?”
“Because I was ashamed.” He actually trembled but when RJ reached out to comfort him, he drew back, still clinging to RJ’s hand, though.
“Tell me.”
Aaron shook his head.
“Tell. Me.” RJ tried the dom voice, and just like that Aaron softened, surrendered.
“As teachers, we’re bound by a code of ethics. There are certain things we can lose our careers over.”
“Like?”
“Our code of ethics says that teachers must demonstrate strong character traits, such as honesty, lawfulness, respect, decency, and unity.”
“That sounds pretty vague to be honest.”
“Maybe, but I’ve already been written up once by my former school and by the Superintendent of Schools for violating the code of ethics with regards to decency.”
RJ went very still. “Because you’re gay?”
Aaron shook his head. “No, because I fucked the gym coach at Taylor High while he was still married.”
RJ nodded his head slowly. “Coach Ingles or Coach McAllister?”
Aaron blinked at him, tears rising in his eyes. Shit, why did RJ keep doing this to people he cared about? Saying things that obviously hurt? “McAllister,” Aaron whispered. “On school property. Twice. We got busted by another teacher.”
RJ stayed silent, hoping that was the better choice, and squeezed Aaron’s hand to encourage him to go on.
“I didn’t know he was married. I barely knew anything about him. We hooked up via Grindr, and we both just had torso pics up. He listed things I’m interested in.” Aaron blushed. “He promised to be rough with me. I wanted that.”
RJ nodded again, though the idea of anyone else blemishing Aaron’s skin pissed him off.
“We met up outside of school the first time. Recognized each other. Fucked anyway. And then at school…” He shrugged. “He enjoyed humiliating me. Fucking me over the desk in his office. Taunting me about what his football players would think if they saw him pounding their queer composition teacher.”
RJ swallowed the groan that rose up. “Did you like that?”
Aaron shrugged. “I couldn’t afford to be picky. He fucked like he meant it. That was enough to lure me back for another round. Again, in the coaching staff office. Coach Ingles came in late to make some copies for his class…” Aaron smiled bitterly. “I was fired the next day.”
“And McAllister?”
“Can’t lose a winning coach, you know.”
“He got to stay?”
Aaron nodded. “Everyone knew I’d been let go for violating the code of ethics. They all assumed I’d done something terrible. There were rumors of all sorts. I was told by the principals of other schools not to even bother applying in Knoxville. To move on. But I’d just bought the apartment and I know that fucking on school property was wrong
, but…” His voice broke. “I swear I didn’t know he was married.”
“I know,” RJ said. Though it wouldn’t have mattered to him if Aaron had known. It fit his narrative about love anyway. It didn’t last. Of course, Coach McAllister was boning Aaron instead of his wife. That’s the way relationships worked in the end. He was just pissed that Aaron had been hurt.
“My mom was my only option. She took me on. Made me promise…all that stuff I told you about already. But this is why. The real reason. Because I’m not a good man and I’ve done bad things. I can’t be trusted.”
“That’s absurd.”
“You’d think so, but she as much as said today that she wouldn’t be able to defend me if people found out you were my former student. That they’d accuse me of being a pedophile and she—” Aaron’s voice broke off, his throat working. He shook his head and tears rose in his eyes again. “She said she couldn’t refute it.”
RJ breathed through the rush of red in his eyes. He wanted to find the woman and shake her, shout her down. But that was ridiculous. He couldn’t change a homophobe’s mind by screaming at them. He’d learned that years ago during his one and only bar fight in L.A.
“So Carter told your mother—the principal—that you and I were dating, and that you’d been my teacher.”
Aaron nodded.
“Okay. What happens now?”
“I don’t know. I suppose…” Aaron took in a shaky breath. “We should stop seeing each other.”
RJ scoffed. “I don’t think so.”
Aaron looked up at him, lashes wet with tears. “We have to. I’ll lose my job, and I don’t know if I’ll be able to find another one. I was thinking of leaving, looking for something else, but with two ethics strikes against me, no one will hire me. And what about Carter? What this could do to him?”
“You’re not going to lose your job, Aaron. And Carter needs to pull his head out of his ass.”
“Excuse me?”
“I’m just saying that I don’t know what’s going on with Carter, but whatever it is, I refuse to let it cost you your job. If you still want to work with your mother, that is. I don’t see why you do, honestly.”
“I don’t want to work with her anymore? I don’t think so, anyway. I love working with Lauren, but everything else about the job is just so toxic.” Aaron frowned. “What do you know about Carter?”
“Not much. He’s not around me often. I don’t know if it’s because I’m gay or what, but he doesn’t seem comfortable with me.”
Aaron nodded slowly. “I think the first thing we need to do is have a meeting with your mom and Doug, and then maybe Carter, after they understand the situation.”
“Okay? But why?”
“I can’t say much because I don’t want to break anyone’s trust, but if Carter’s upset because I’m dating you—for any reason—then it needs to be sorted out, and the quicker we do that the better off for him.”
“And what about what’s best for you, baby?”
“I’m at a loss,” Aaron whispered. “My behavior was unprofessional, but I don’t regret it. So was hers, not that it excuses me. Like you say, I can’t keep on this way. I know you and I aren’t a forever thing, but I want to find that someday with someone. And I believe you when you say I deserve to have that.” He looked up shyly. “But so long as I work at the same school as my mom, there’s just no chance. I think, no matter what happens with Carter, it’s time I start looking for another job.”
“Is that really the solution? Maybe your mother’s the one who should leave. Think about the other teachers working under her. She must have others who are LGBT on staff.”
“Yes, but they aren’t her son. It may be hard to understand, but my mother can actually be pretty accepting of LGBT people, supportive even, so long as the person in question isn’t me.”
“That’s bullshit.”
“I know. But she’s gone to gay weddings and sent flowers to sick partners. It’s just me that she holds to this standard.”
“The straight standard?”
“The ‘everything you do must fit this mold I had in mind for you when you were born’ standard. But there’s always some part of me that doesn’t fit, like my choices with Coach McAllister, and now you. She’s always trying to shove those parts of me back in the mold, and another part pops out the other side. It’s an endless struggle. I think…I genuinely think we’d have a better relationship if I saw less of her, if I worked in another school, or, hell, another city. Another country even.”
RJ touched Aaron’s cheek, missing the dimples that played there when he smiled. “What’s the first step in doing that?”
Aaron huffed. “Accepting that I need to do it. Then putting out feelers for open positions. Checking listings. I’ve been curious about overseas opportunities. I hear winter is really cold in Finland, though.” The dimples appeared and RJ’s heart clenched.
“Would you really want to go so far? Leave your apartment?”
“I could rent it out while I’m gone. I’ve never been anywhere. It could be a fresh start for me. No more pretending or playing myself down. Just being fully Aaron. Like I was Saturday night at Scruffy Town Hall. Like I am when I’m with you.”
“What about Constance?”
Aaron’s eyes softened. “She could come with me. I have a cat carrier for things like that. I just want to be free.”
“Speaking of free.” RJ reached into his jeans pocket and pulled out the already-worn-at-the-creases piece of paper with his results from his doctor visit earlier in the month. He’d looked at it far too often since he’d printed it out, imagining what it meant for the ways they could play now. “Proof. STD-free.” He passed it to Aaron. who flicked his gaze over the results, the corner of his lips lifting slightly.
“Wow.” He met RJ’s eyes. “So, we could? Without a condom?”
“Yeah.”
“I’ve never…” Aaron bit into his lower lip. “I’ve never actually played that way before.”
“Me either.”
“Really?”
RJ shook his head.
“Why?”
“Never had anyone I trusted enough.”
Love is trust, he remembered his mother saying. Maybe he’d never loved Pan at all then, since he’d never trusted him as far as he could throw him. Maybe what they’d had was something else similar to love—infatuation, or maybe a word in another language. English was limited in its words for feelings around romance, affection, and sex.
“I’d be your first?” Aaron whispered.
“Yes.” And maybe my last.
RJ tried to harden the melting softness that Aaron brought out in him, wishing that he could imagine ever wanting anyone but this man again. But he couldn’t. No doubt time would make a fool of him. But would it be so bad if he just let it?
“Winter break starts officially tomorrow,” Aaron said hesitantly, looking up at RJ with a strange expression. “Even if I hadn’t left early today, I don’t need to go in.”
“Is this your way of giving me permission to ditch my family to stay here with you?”
“No,” Aaron said, laughing a little, a hint of light returning to his eyes. “I guess I’m just saying that I’ll be bored out of my mind looking for new teaching positions all day for the next few weeks, and stressed thinking about the implications of that fight with my mother. And, at night, if you can get away, I’d enjoy having something else to do with my time.”
“Like me.”
“You.”
“It’ll be my pleasure to entertain you.” RJ took the slip of paper with the results from Aaron’s hand and put it on the coffee table. “Do you want to play a little now? Take your mind off everything?”
“All right.” Aaron’s breath came faster.
“Start by taking off those sweatpants. Leave the T-shirt.” He leaned in and whispered in Aaron’s ear, “I’ll make you forget.” He hardened his voice. “Get on the floor. Elbows on the coffee table. Ass up.”
Chapter Twenty-Three
Shivering at the command in RJ’s voice, Aaron did as he was told. As soon as he was positioned, RJ walked around him. “Eyes on me,” RJ said when Aaron blushed and looked away.
Constance let out a sharp meow and ran out from under the sofa to dash down the hallway toward the bedroom. RJ put his hand on Aaron’s head, ruffling through his hair soothingly before gripping and yanking his head back, meeting his gaze. “Eyes on me,” he said more firmly.
Aaron licked his lips and complied, barely even blinking when RJ released his hair and stepped back. He touched the buckle of his brown, braided leather belt. “I found this in a box of stuff from high school. There was a poem in there too. I should have brought it.”
Aaron opened his mouth, but RJ swooped in and covered it with his palm. “Do you want to play hard tonight?”
Aaron nodded. Oh yes. Excitement drummed through him.
“Safe-word hard?”
He nodded even more enthusiastically.
“Good. Me too.” RJ stroked Aarons lips with his fingertips, lifting a brow slowly. He undid the buckle on his belt, slipped it through the loops, and held it out. Aaron stared at it and swallowed hard.
“Listen carefully. Your safe word is Hermey, got it?”
“Hermey,” Aaron repeated.
“Good. You say that, and I’ll stop immediately no matter what we’re doing.”
Aaron nodded.
He lifted the belt. “I intend to use this. Do you consent?”
“Yes.”
“Do you want to come in me? Or do you want me to come in you?”
Aaron lifted his chin defiantly. “I want both.”
“Mmm. I like to stay in charge though, if that’s okay with you. Just call me a bossy bottom.”
Aaron licked his lips. “That’s fine. I like it when you…” He took a shuddery breath, and his eyes closed again. “I like it when…” He couldn’t seem to get the words out.
“You like when someone else cares enough to take control, don’t you, Mr. Danvers? Makes you feel safe.” There was a long pause before RJ quietly added, “Loved.”
