by Leta Blake
Aaron’s eyebrow twitched up. “That’s the kind of gift you give someone who will want it in ten years’ time. Not someone who—”
“I’ll want that picture in ten years’ time,” RJ whispered, coming closer to Aaron with his hands outstretched. He grabbed Aaron by the hips and dragged him close. “I’ll want that picture for the rest of my life.”
“But—”
“Shh.” RJ nuzzled Aaron’s neck and whispered, “We’re supposed to be seeing where this goes. Stop trying to control or define it. Just let it be.”
“Me?” Aaron shivered as RJ’s lips traced his jaw. “I’m not the control freak here.”
“Oh, baby, of course you are.” RJ laughed, his breath hot on Aaron’s earlobe. “That’s why you love it when I take it away from you.”
Tension hung between them. RJ held Aaron close. White snow piled up on the windowsill. Coldness seeped in from an unseen crack in the wall, and Aaron shivered.
“RJ?”
“Yeah?”
“I don’t know how to do this.”
“We’ll figure it out together.”
Aaron clung to RJ’s broad shoulders, pressing so close he could feel RJ’s heartbeat through his nice, button-up shirt. “I’m scared to hope.”
“You’re not alone in that.”
Aaron released RJ and pulled out his phone to send a text of his own before undressing. The cold from the crack continued to seep in, and RJ watched as Aaron got down to just his underwear and jerked back the quilts and slipped beneath them.
“I have a present for you,” RJ said as he stripped to his boxer briefs.
“You do?” Aaron asked with a yawn, his short, light brown hair rubbing over the white pillow as he turned to face RJ. “I thought we weren’t going to exchange presents?”
“We weren’t, but I have something.” He climbed in beside Aaron, curled on his side to face him and said, “I’m going to give you something special. I just thought of it, actually. Just now.”
Aaron blinked at him sleepily. “Okay?”
“I’m going to give you some clarity.”
“Huh?”
RJ took hold of Aaron’s chin. “I love you. I know we’ve said that before, but the fact remains that I do. I love you more and more every second. I don’t know how long we’ll last, but I think we should start acting like we’re going to last a long time. Because if we don’t, then we definitely won’t.”
“If we don’t, then we won’t?” Aaron repeated confusedly.
“Yeah.” RJ stroked his thumb over Aaron’s mouth. “I remember telling Becca once that if she wanted to be a drummer, she needed to go at it one hundred percent. Because if she wanted to be a drummer but decided to style hair as a backup plan, then I could guarantee that in five years’ time she’d still be a hairstylist. And she is. A hairstylist.”
“And a drummer?”
“Not really. She just drums for fun.”
Aaron kissed RJ’s thumb. “Right.”
“So if we want to make it, even if we don’t really believe it’s possible to make it, we have to start acting like we can. Or we’ll be over and done with before we ever start.”
“I had too much eggnog, or maybe you did, because you’ve gone goofy on me.”
“Let’s commit.”
“Um?”
“To monogamy. I mean, we’ve already basically agreed to that, but it should be explicit. And to being boyfriends.”
“Lovers.”
“Whatever. So long as it means we plan that next Christmas we’ll still be together. We have to plan on it.”
“RJ…”
“Don’t overthink it.”
“I think you’re the one overthinking things.”
“I’m not. I didn’t become a touring guitarist entirely by chance. I did it by not giving myself the option to fail at it.”
“RJ?”
“Yes.”
“I really think I love you too.”
“I know.”
“And I want to believe, but…”
“No buts!”
Aaron huffed. “You’re ridiculous.”
“It’s Christmas. Let’s give ourselves this ridiculously expensive gift.”
“Expensive?”
“If we’re wrong and it all goes to shit, it’ll cost us a lot more in heartbreak and lost time than some dumb material object we could have bought. But if we’re right and it works out, then it’s priceless.”
Aaron’s dimples broke through. “You’re a secret romantic.”
“I’m not. I actually think love is bullshit.”
“Right. Okay. And yet—” Aaron put his hand over RJ’s where it still cupped his cheek.
“I know. I know. I want this. I don’t want to believe that this will be the only Christmas I’ll ever spend here.”
Aaron chuckled. “Were my cousins that fun?”
“No, but I just want to be with you. Next to you. I want your dad to give me more baby photos, and I want to hear more cousin stories, and I want to become a story of my own… ‘Remember that Christmas when RJ showed up? We didn’t even know Aaron was gay!’”
“They knew I was gay.”
“Did they though?” RJ chuckled, and Aaron did too.
“They suspected.”
“It doesn’t matter. What matters is that I want a nickname too.”
“Do you?”
RJ grinned. “We have to plan for that future, baby. We have to commit to it working. Unless you don’t want it?”
Aaron leaned close, kissing RJ and whispering, “I do.”
Chapter Twenty-Eight
The sound of a scream woke RJ from his sleep. He jerked up in bed, heart pounding with a rush of adrenaline. “What was that?”
Aaron, who’d been curled up next to him, snuggling in for warmth, chuckled and tugged on RJ’s arm. “Rooster.”
“Are you sure? It sounded like a scream to me.”
“I’m sure.”
The noise came again, and RJ thought it didn’t sound a damn thing like the cockle-doodle-do of his childhood books. “That’s terrifying.”
Aaron murmured something incomprehensible and snuggled close again. RJ ran a hand through Aaron’s soft hair and down the chill of his scratchy cheek before climbing out of bed. The house was snug, but still cold, and he shivered in the morning air. It was dark out the window, but he could make out that the snow had mostly melted in the night. The temperature must have lifted well above freezing.
So much for a white Christmas. The kids would be disappointed.
The kids!
RJ hustled over to the night table and grabbed his phone. Five-ten in the morning. Not even close to dawn. The rooster crowed again.
“The sun isn’t up yet,” RJ whispered. “Why’s he screaming?”
“Internal clock. He always crows at five or shortly after.” Aaron yawned and rolled over. “C’mere. It’s cold without you.”
RJ put the phone down and was just climbing under the covers when he heard a door open and shut from the hallway. Heavy footsteps started down the stairs. “Your Dad’s already up?”
Aaron nuzzled RJ’s shoulder, his nose all cold against his skin. “Farm life. Going out to the barn.”
“Now I see why you didn’t want it. Way too early.” RJ cuddled up to Aaron, breathing in his sleepy morning scent and considering. As much as he loved holding his sweet Mr. Danvers, soft and pliant in his arms, he also had a promise to keep. Well, if he could.
“Aaron, wake up.”
“Mmm?”
“I had a thought. If we leave now, I could still get home in time to see the kids come down for their gifts. Be there on Christmas. Like I promised.” He winced. Unless the little ones really did wake hours before dawn like his mom said they might. “Maybe.”
Aaron wiped at his sleepy eyes. “But the snow…”
“Gone.”
Aaron held very still and quiet for a moment, but then he sighed and sat up. He stretched and made a few morning snuffling sou
nds before announcing, “Okay, yes. We should try.”
“Thank you.”
Aaron kissed his cheek and said nothing more.
They scrubbed up quickly in the hallway bathroom, using guest toothbrushes and razors that Rutty kept in there. Then they put on the same clothes they’d had on the day before. Heading downstairs, they were met in the front hall by Rutty, who was just coming in from the barn.
“I didn’t disturb your sleep now, did I?” he asked, tugging a stocking hat off his head, exposing his reddened ears and cheeks. He sat on a bench in the entryway to pull off his boots and put them aside in a box that caught the dirt.
“Clucky woke RJ,” Aaron said with another yawn and a wide stretch of his arms. He looked adorable and delicious with his soft smile and his dimples on display. “He’s not used to the sounds of the countryside.”
RJ snorted. “It sounded like someone screaming.”
Rutty laughed. “Old Clucky has a unique crow, I’ll give him that. Heading out so early?”
“Yeah,” Aaron said, reaching out to help tug his dad up off the bench in an unnecessary but affectionate way.
RJ said, “I’m so sorry to leave this early, but I promised my little brother and sister that I’d be there on Christmas morning when they came down for presents. I’d hate to disappoint them.”
“I can understand that. Good thing the snow melted. There’ll probably be a few icy spots left. So be careful anyhow.” Rutty nodded down the hall toward the kitchen. “Spare a minute and I’ll brew you some coffee for the road.”
They followed Rutty to the toasty-warm kitchen. The woodstove was burning already. The final dishes from the party yesterday were dried in the rack. The view out the back windows showed a long field that ended with the silver stripe of the Holston river, lit up with the still visible white light of the low-hanging moon. RJ wanted to be welcomed back to Rutty’s home again and again. He hoped Aaron was still committed to their promise the night before to try. To really try.
“It was right nice having you here for Christmas Eve,” Rutty said to RJ after brewing a fresh pot of coffee and handing him a steaming travel mug. “I hope you’ll be back before too long?”
Aaron eagerly took his own travel mug and moaned at his first sip, clearly comforted by the heat and caffeine.
“I hope so, sir,” RJ said, taking Rutty’s hand in a firm shake. “I wish we could stay longer this morning. Spend some of Christmas Day with you.”
“That’d be nice, but Aaron has always been with his mother on this day.” He looked to Aaron now and cocked his head. “And this year, I assume it’s the same? You’re welcome to stay with me, son. I can carry you on home later.”
“No, I plan to go to Mom’s,” Aaron said quietly, his contented, sweet expression completely dropping away and dimples disappearing. “I have some things I need to discuss with her.”
“All right.” Rutty looked worried but didn’t argue. “If you change your mind, I can break away from the family to come pick you up again.” He put his arm around Aaron’s shoulders and gave him a squeeze.
RJ’s heart ached to see Aaron snuggle in closer, taking his father’s offered affection so easily, obviously needing the reassurance. When they broke away from each other, RJ shook Rutty’s hand again and they were off.
On the way back to Knoxville, the empty roads sang with the slushy wetness beneath the wheels of the SUV. RJ put his hand on Aaron’s knee and held it there, letting the pink glow of a raw, new Christmas morning open up behind them and do all the speaking. Some sunrises were like that. Full of meaning.
Eventually, he broke the silence. “Do you want to come to my house with me? Watch the kids do their thing?”
Aaron smiled and wiped at his still-tired eyes. “I think I’d love to see that some year, in that future we promised to try for. But I need to get ready to face my mom.”
“All right.” RJ didn’t like the thought of Aaron dealing with his mother alone. “I could come with you to your Mom’s place? Meet her. Maybe I could help put her mind at ease about us and you and Carter?”
Aaron shook his head. “No. This is something I have to do on my own.”
“On Christmas Day?”
“New beginnings. Death of the old, birth of the new. All that jazz.”
“I thought that was New Year’s Eve.”
Aaron snorted. “I suppose. It’s something I have to do. For myself. Alone.” He took RJ’s hand from his knee and held it instead, their fingers knitting together comfortably. “No matter what happens with my mom, I’m glad we met again.”
“None of that, Mr. Danvers,” RJ said gruffly. “That sounds like a goodbye and we’ve agreed to pretend that love can last.”
Aaron laughed a little giddily. “This is crazy. We’ve barely met.”
“That’s how it always starts, right? At some point, everyone’s ‘barely met,’ but they choose to keep on meeting and it grows.” RJ squeezed Aaron’s fingers. “When a mother gives birth, she’s barely met her baby, but no one would say she doesn’t love it. What makes us different? Just because we’re grown-ups? Didn’t that Baby Jesus charge us with loving each other?”
Aaron squeezed his fingers back. “You’re a strange one, RJ Blitz.”
“You love it.”
Aaron kissed RJ’s knuckles and said solemnly, “I do.”
Still-warm casserole heating his hands, Aaron was sweating when he pressed the doorbell with his elbow. His smile must have been gruesome given his mother’s expression when she finally opened the door.
“Merry Christmas,” he said, lifting the casserole dish. “I made the sweet potatoes like you asked.”
His mother wore a Christmas sweater and jeans, and her hair was soft and loose around her shoulders. Her makeup was casual. Her smile, like Aaron’s, was tight and horrible. She beckoned him inside. “Did you compose the apology I requested too?”
“No, Mom, I didn’t.” Aaron walked stiffly through the living room, ignoring the tinkling piano Christmas music playing from the speakers above the TV and the Christmas tree decorated with his own handmade ornaments from childhood.
He stepped into the long, galley kitchen, inhaling his mother’s savory green bean casserole and a roasting turkey. Steeling himself, he said, “I don’t intend to apologize. Because I didn’t do anything wrong.” He put the sweet potatoes on the counter and turned around.
His mother stood in the doorway, arms crossed over her flat chest, eyes narrowed ominously. “I can’t believe you’re going to ruin Christmas over this, Aaron.”
He took a careful breath. “Let’s go into the living room. I have a few things I need to say.”
Rolling her eyes, she moved into his space, crowding him against the counter. “There’s a lot still to do in the kitchen. I don’t have time for this nonsense. Apologize and let’s get on with it.”
“No,” Aaron said firmly, though his voice quivered with emotion. “I’ve met someone I care about, Mom.”
She lifted a brow but said nothing.
“His name is RJ Blitz. And he was my student once. But he’s a grown man now and I like him a lot. I might even love him.”
She scoffed. “Love.”
“Yes. Love. It’s not without complications and it’s not perfect, but when is it ever?”
“Aaron.” She shook her head warningly. “You know and I know that you’re talking about infatuation. Lust, not love.”
“Mom, please. Just hear me out.”
“Fine.” She turned her back on him and stalked into the living room. Aaron followed her. She swept her hand toward the sofa, and Aaron took a seat. She stood over him.
“Sit down, Mom.”
“How long will this take?”
“As long as it takes.”
She glanced at her watch. “I have things to do in the kitchen. This can wait. We’ll discuss it over lunch.”
“No, I don’t want to fight while I’m eating. Let’s just get it done now so we can enjoy our meal.�
��
She gritted her teeth, her thin jaw clenching, and sat in the lounge chair across from the sofa. “All I ever asked was that you not embarrass me, Aaron. And—”
“And I’m in love. I love him.”
She threw her hands up.
Aaron bulldozed on. “It’s too soon, but we’re going to try to make it last. We’re acting like it’s going to grow into something, because otherwise is never will. We’re believing it.”
She pursed her lips. “Listen to yourself. What is this madness?”
“It’s not mad for me to be gay, Mom.”
Her jaw clenched. “I don’t see why you need to flaunt it. Why date someone so much younger? A former student! People will talk. People already talk about you, Aaron.”
“I don’t care. Let them.” Aaron put out his chin. “I ran from being talked about for so long. And recently it’s occurred to me that I actually have very little to lose. I never got to explore what I really wanted from my life. Hell, I don’t even know who I am, Mom.”
“Evidently.” She pressed her lips together again.
“I know one thing. I like who I am with RJ. And he never makes me feel like I’m less than perfect. Less than I should be.”
“No one is perfect. Not you. Not even me.” She lifted her chin like she was disabusing him of a long-held notion.
“Exactly. So I might as well give them something real to talk about.”
“You already have one ethics code violation—”
“That was bullshit and you know it,” he snapped. “Why did I get the stick for that while McAllister is still coaching like it never happened? I bet he still goes on Grindr trolling for hookups. If anything, he might be a little smarter about it, but you know he didn’t turn into a saint who honors his marriage vows overnight.” Aaron put up his hand when his mother started to speak. “Like I already told you, I didn’t know he was married.”
“Regardless, you have the mark against you. You could lose your job, Aaron. For what? For a late-twenties crisis? We all have them. For love?” She said the word like it was grotesque. “Please. What happens between you and these men isn’t love. It’s lust. Nothing more. Nothing lasting.”
Aaron took another slow breath, trying to keep from crying or screaming or both. “It doesn’t matter what you think is between me and RJ. All that matters is what I believe is between us.” His throat ached. “I know now that you aren’t ever going to be okay with me being gay. That ‘don’t embarrass me’ was code for ‘put my needs above your own,’ and I’m done doing that. I’m your son, and I’d like to think you’ll love me no matter what, but I guess you won’t.”
