by J. W. Ashley
Because the idea of giving someone that much power over me—“Ugh, get it the fuck together, Claudia.”
I sit up and put both feet on the floor. I slip into my bright pink bunny slippers—don’t judge, they're soft as shit—and stumble my way across my apartment to the coffee maker. It’s the most expensive appliance in my house and capable of making literally any coffee drink on the planet.
The stainless steel shines in the sun, but I’m not nearly as excited as I normally am to smell the coffee pouring into the pot.
I’m pathetic.
After setting the brew up, I head for my bathroom, hoping that perhaps a shower will be what wakes me from this shit nightmare. I know what I did was right, I’m bad news for a stand-up guy like Leo. If I hadn’t walked away when I did, things would have gotten messy, and that’s the last thing he deserves.
I’m not some small-town country girl at heart like Lena. There’s no damn way I’m what he wants in the long run even if he can’t see it now. I did us both a favor. “He’ll thank me one day. Won’t he, Tony?”
Looking over, I smile at my cat, who is currently watching me from the back of my couch. His bright orange fur is a contrast from the stark white of my couch.
“Don’t judge me. You should be happy I’m not going back to Montana for a while.”
He hops down from the couch and pads over to me. Soft fur brushes against my calf, and I reach down to pet him as my coffee finishes up.
The door opens, and my mom steps in, a bright smile on her face until she sees mine. Shit, do I seriously look that bad? “Hey, honey! Is everything okay? I was asleep when you got in last night, but I saw your bags this morning and wanted to get you coffee.”
“Fine.” My response is short, and I know she doesn’t believe it for a second.
“Claudia?”
“I ended things with Leo.”
“Why?”
“What do you mean why? Because all things have to end, Mom. Every single good thing ends in a big-ass pile of ash.”
Tears fill her eyes, and I know she’s about to blame herself. “Honey, don’t take my failed love life as gospel. I’ve made a lot of mistakes, kissed a lot of frogs. But it will all be worth it in the end.”
I snort and wipe tears from my cheeks. “How can you say that?”
She steps forward. “Because life is all about the journey. The heartbreak as much as the love. You can’t have one without the other, it’s impossible.”
My chest tightens as my throat constricts painfully. I feel like I’ve swallowed hot water. “I can’t feel that, Mom.”
She wraps her arms around me, and I hold on, clinging to the woman I love more than anyone else in this world. She’s always been my rock. Someone I’ve looked up to even when life handed her a box of shit to deal with. She took that shit and turned it into a foundation then took a step up and continued going.
“I’m so sorry you feel so broken, but you should know something.” She pulls away and wipes the tears from my cheeks.
“What?”
“There’s a very handsome man sitting outside your apartment.”
I stiffen. “What?”
“Jeans, whiteT-shirt. Baseball cap, clean-shaven. Friend of yours?”
“Leo.” His name comes out on a whisper. “He’s outside?”
“If that’s who’s waiting, yes. He was there when I left, too. We had a good chat.”
I gape at her. “You what? You talked to him?”
She nods. “I wasn’t going to let him in until I talked to you. If it’s any consolation, he seems just as broken as you are.”
She kisses me loudly on the cheek, leaving me in my shock as she heads for the door. I follow, my feet moving when my brain is screaming for me to stop. To think about it.
But the fact that he came here—chased after me…
My mom opens the door and steps into the hall. “Nice to meet you, Leo,” I hear her say.
“You too.”
His deep voice washes over me, the familiar tone making me ice cold and lighting a fire in my blood at the same time. What other man could have that effect on me?
Door still open, I wait, holding my breath until Leo comes into view. He looks exhausted. Bags beneath his eyes, coffee stain on his white shirt.
“Can I come in?” he asks hesitantly, and I nod.
Stepping inside, he shuts the door behind him gently, clicking the lock in place.
“What are you doing here?”
“You left.” He looks up to me, eyes glossy and full of pain. A muscle twitches in his jaw as he steps forward. “In the middle of the night. Fucking bailed on me without so much as a verbal goodbye.”
“I already—”
He shakes his head. “No, you’re going to be quiet and let me talk for a change.”
Crossing both arms, I wait for him to continue. If he felt the urge to hop on a plane and fly here just to rip me a new one—he’s entitled to. But that doesn't mean I’m going to cave, even if seeing him here in my space is so overwhelming and perfect that I want to jump him.
Stupid lady bits. Couldn’t get going no matter what I tried, and now you won’t shut the hell up.
“You fucking bailed on me,” he repeats. “And left me a note.”
“That why you’re here? You’re pissed off?”
“You’re damn right I’m pissed, Claudia. I told you how I felt, and because you’re too much of a coward to face your own feelings, you throw mine back in my face.”
“Coward?” I growl, even though I know he’s right.
“Yeah. Coward.”
“You have no idea what I’ve been through,” I shoot back.
“Your dad left. He was an asshole. But not every single man is like that, Claudia. We won’t all bail.”
I shake my head as angry tears burn at the corners of my eyes. “I’m not built for the long-term. I told you that when we started.”
“I thought it was bullshit then, and I’m telling you it’s bullshit now. You can be afraid. I’m not overly thrilled with how quickly I fell for you, but I did. And if I just let you leave for good, I’ll never forgive myself.”
Swallowing hard, I stare at him as his words do more to patch my cracked heart than I care to admit. To him or to myself.
“Why?”
“Why what?”
“Why the fuck did you leave?”
“Because I couldn’t—” I shut my eyes tightly and try to get a handle on the pain. Opening my eyes, I stare back at him. “I think I love you,” I choke out.
“You love me, so you bailed. Makes sense.” Crossing both arms, he stares at me like I’m his enemy. I suppose in some ways, I am.
“I don’t do relationships, Leo. I watched my mom go through so much pain, heartbreak. I watched my father walk away from us to be with another family.”
“And I told you, not all men are like that. I’m not like that. Something I feel like I’ve proven since I spent the last few hours sitting outside your door.”
“A few hours is nothing compared to a few years. A lifetime.”
“I may not be able to promise you that things will never get rocky. But I can tell you this. I can’t breathe without you, Claudia. I cannot fathom a day without hearing your voice, seeing your smile. Hell, we couldn’t go a week without seeing each other.” Reaching forward, he runs the rough pad of his thumb against my cheek. “You’re the first person on my mind in the morning and the thought that helps me drift to sleep. That has to mean something.”
My breath hitches in my lungs as I soak up his words. “And if that ends? If someday you wake up and don’t feel that way?”
He chuckles softly. “There’s not a damn chance of that.”
“Everyone thinks that,” I counter.
“Fair enough.” He grips my chin and tips my face up. “Are the ‘what if’s’ really worth missing out on something great? I love you, Claudia Peterson. A month was not nearly long enough. I want you every single moment of every single day.�
��
He kisses me then, his lips a gentle caress on mine. I reach up and grip his shoulders, and he deepens the kiss, his tongue slipping in to tangle with mine. I groan, my body instantly heating, blood pounding, butterflies flapping their little hearts out in my belly.
Every part of me reacts to every part of him.
I feel everything he said and more. And the thought of giving in to it terrifies me.
“Please, Claudia. Give us a chance.”
I’m quiet for a moment, my forehead resting against his. After a few breaths, I nod.
“Yeah?” The happiness in his voice is comforting, and I pull away to meet his bright gaze.
“Yeah.” I smile. “I want you, Leo. But—”
His face falls. “What?”
“Do me a favor.”
“Anything?”
“Let’s keep this between us as long as we can.” The thought of sharing what I’ve found is exciting, but I know the slew of sly grins and ‘I told you so’s’ from everyone back in Montana—Lena included—will drive me nuts.
“Deal.” He takes my mouth again, one hand cupping my cheek, the other pulling me closer.
His kiss is intoxicating, filling the broken parts of me with something I never thought I’d feel: love.
Pulling away, Leo leans back to look into my eyes. “What does L.L. mean?”
“Huh?”
“L.L. I’d say I’ve earned it by now.”
I grin. “Lumberjack Leo.”
He stares at me a moment before throwing his head back and laughing. “Lumberjack Leo. Original.”
“Oh, like Red is so unique?”
He chuckles. “It may not be, but you sure as hell are.”
Leaning against him, I press my ear to his chest, right above his heart. It thunders in my ear, and I cling to him.
I know it won’t be easy. I'm still terrified, so the chances of me screwing things up are high, but for the first time in my entire life, I want this future. I want it badly enough that I’m willing to try.
Epilogue
Claudia- Five Years Later
I hit send and get up as the whooshing sound tells me my email is off to my latest client, a realtor looking for a full logo and website rebrand.
Stretching, I glance back at Tony, who’s taken up residence on the edge of my bed. “I know, boy. Eventually, you’ll get used to it. It’s only been four years since we moved in, but who’s counting?”
Chuckling, I make my way down the steps and into the kitchen, my hand gripping the railing tightly so I don’t fall. My swollen belly makes me pretty damn front heavy. Take into consideration my giant boobs, and I am constantly having to keep myself from falling forward.
Lila is sitting at the bottom of the stairs, the once awkward pup now a massive dog. “Hey, girl.”
She wags her tail expectantly, and I undo the mesh gate before stepping through and resting my hand on her large head as we saunter side by side into the kitchen. Or rather, she saunters and I waddle.
As I’m reaching up for a glass, the door opens, and Leo strolls in, sweaty and coated in a thin layer of dirt from a long day’s work.
“Here, I got it.” Jogging into the kitchen, he reaches above me and pulls down a glass, setting it on the counter with a light clink.
“I could have gotten that,” I say.
He grins at me. “I know, but I was here.” Leaning down, he kisses me softly while pressing a hand against my belly. “How’s our girl doing?”
“Amazing.” I fill up my glass and drink deeply. I’m thirsty all the time. Lena warned me about a lot, but she never told me how thirsty I was going to be. “How was your day?”
“Better now.”
I smile, heat rushing to my cheeks. We may have been together for half a decade, but Leo’s effect on me has only increased.
I still blame the lumberjack effect. There’s not a woman alive able to resist it, and I suppose I should have known that sooner or later, I would succumb.
Leo turns away and heads for the stairs, so I lean back against the counter and watch him walk away. “Nice ass!” I call after him, and he stops, fidgeting with something in front of him moments before he drops his pants, baring two perfect ass cheeks. Which, in case anyone is wondering, you can absolutely bounce a quarter off of.
I’ve been there, done that, and it is epic.
Laughter bursts from me, a dam breaking, and I bend over at the waist, my sides burning with the force of my amusement.
With a mischievous grin over his shoulder, he saunters away, taking small steps to avoid falling.
“Feel free to follow me!” he says as he climbs the stairs. I’m just impressed he’s able to do it with his pants around his knees.
Heat rushes through me, a lightning bolt that shoots straight down to my toes. “I’m definitely coming,” I say as I head for the stairs.
“That’s what you’ll say later too,” he jokes, and I snort.
“You’re confident.”
He reaches the top of the stairs and turns toward me, pulling up his pants and removing his shirt. “No reason not to be. I’m a firm believer in the whole ‘think it and it will happen’ train of thought.”
I smile at the words he’s spoken to me before, hearing the truth in them now. He knew what we could be, chased me when I bailed, and gave me the future I now know was meant for me.
Stepping toward him, I wrap both arms around his waist as well as my swollen stomach will let me and lean my head against his sweaty chest. “I love you, L.L.”
Leo presses a kiss to my head before dropping his face to my neck and whispering, “I love you too, Red.”
The End
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Long Road Home
Lincoln
Voices surround me as I stand in the baggage claim area of the airport, waiting on a woman I haven’t seen in ten years. Will I even recognize her? Shit, I can’t imagine her looking any different than she did in high school.
She’d been beautiful then—an enigma I couldn’t wrap my teenage mind around. Beauty, kindness, and brains. My best friend growing up, there for me when no one else was.
The baggage belt starts, and I straighten, my eyes darting to the door. Sweat dampens my palms, and I wipe them on my dark jeans as my heart pounds in my chest. I was up all night, ever since Maax called and asked me to pick her up from the airport.
Seeing her again after so many years, after what I did, I can’t even wrap my mind around what to say to her. I very much doubt a, ‘Hi, Macey, sorry I was such an unbelievable asshole. Can we be friends again?’ would work. I snort. No way in hell that will happen. I’ll be lucky for just minor disdain at this point. The last time I saw her, she’d been crying, pleading with me to choose her over Patricia, and I’d gone with the latter, leaving my best friend alone at a party she’d only come to for me.
My nerves rattled, I watch everyone around me as I try like hell to appear relaxed. Will she tell me to go to hell? Toss up a middle finger and call a cab? After what I did, I’d deserve it.
But I’m a different person now, and maybe she’ll see that. Maybe then, she won’t get me fired or alienated from the only family I have. My biological father may still be breathing, but the Romanos are more family than he’ll ever be. They took me in, gave me a chance when no one else would. The thought of never being able to spend time with them again…
�
��Well, shit,” an older woman with white hair and a cane curses and stumbles back, interrupting my steadily darkening thoughts. Instinctively, I reach out and steady her with a hand on her shoulder.
“Thank you.” Her wrinkled cheeks flushed with embarrassment, she looks up at me, then back at a man on his phone. He turns and holds up his pointer finger, telling her that she was less important than whoever he was currently laughing with.
“Busy man,” she says to me.
“Oh?”
“I’m in town for my great-grandson’s first birthday.” She smiles and reaches into her jacket pocket, withdrawing a small photo. A baby boy with two bottom teeth stares back at me, a wide smile on his chubby face.
I grin, amused that she has an actual printed photograph. “He’s cute,” I say, and she slips the photo back into her pocket.
“He is. It’s the first time I’m meeting him.”
I nod. “How long are you in town for?”
“A week. Then it’s back to Florida for me.” Her tone is sad, wistful even, and it hurts my heart.
“Florida, huh? That’s a long way.”
She nods. “It is, but I don’t want to be a burden. My family is already so busy, and Florida is nice, lots of sun.”
“So I hear,” I say with a smile despite my irritation. It is one thing if someone chooses to move away and live in a home. But to be made to feel like a burden? That is some major bullshit.
“Mom, grab your bag,” cell phone guy instructs before putting his phone back to his ear.
I stare at him, flabbergasted. Surely, he’s not fucking serious. The guy laughs obnoxiously, and I walk to the belt. “Is it that red one?” I ask, gesturing to the large suitcase with a broken handle she’d tried to grab earlier. She nods, and I reach for it. Takes me all of two seconds to grab the damn bag, and I hoist it up off the belt. Carrying it over to the asshole, I set it down at his feet and cross my arms.
“Hang on,” he mutters and pulls the phone from his ear. “Can I help you?”
