Judith wrapped both arms around Maddie. “This is not the time or place, Nan. Perhaps you should go.”
“Why don’t you tell us where you were this morning? Or is it, where were you all night?”
Maddie glanced at her grandmother and muttered, “Home. I was home.”
“Oh, and the lies continue.” Nan said then clicked her tongue.
“Mother, what are you talking about?” Howard said, then walked to the fireplace, took the poker and prodded the burning logs. “We don’t need this today.”
“No we don’t. But ask her. Where has she been? She knows. She should tell you.”
Maddie’s fists drew in tight; her cheeks and jaw hardened. She looked up and cast a hard glare at her grandmother. Attack. It was time to attack. That’s the instinct that kicks in when any teenager is caught in a lie. Maddie was happy to let her impulse take the reins. “I was here you stupid cow! I don’t know what she’s on about. She’s probably on her pills again. Pills and drinking, not a good combination Nana. Makes you loopy you know. She is just crazy!”
“Maddie! You are not to disrespect your grandmother.” Judith said and then stood up and gave the grandmother a look of disdain. A look that made Maddie smile. She said, “Nan, say what you have to say. Then kindly leave.”
“Very well. As we pulled into the drive, your daughter was making her way back into the house from the tree on the south side of the house. There she was, walking across a plank of wood cleverly placed between that large Oak tree and the balcony above the kitchen. That certainly explains how she was sneaking in and out; no one knows how many times. She is not to be trusted. I am sorry I have to say that about my granddaughter I love so much. But she cannot be trusted. Always, full of lies.”
“God whatever. She’s lying. I was in bed all morning. She doesn’t know what she saw.”
“Oh? Perhaps it was a well-trained monkey escaped from the circus, one wearing a red woolen sweater and the boots I gave you on your last birthday.”
“Must have been. I was in bed. Tell them mom. Your valiums and Xanax and whatever the hell else you take are making you hallucinate.”
“Yes indeed. And your grandfather is sharing in my hallucinations. Fetch our coats Howard. We will be on our way and let you deal with this. I am afraid it just confirms what we all know. For whatever reason, that daughter of yours is a chronic, pathological liar. Not a word that issues forth from that girl’s mouth can be believed.”
Maddie stomped up the stairs as her grandparents exited through the front door. Her father followed them out.
As she reached the top of the stairs, Judith called out. “Maddie stop. Come down. We need to talk. Come down now.”
Maddie bolted into her bedroom, slamming the door hard; hoping the pictures of the perfect family lining the stairwell would shake, better yet, all fall and shatter. She buried her face deep into the pile of pillows wondering if would be possible to suffocate herself, or at least to disappear forever. She heard her bedroom door open slowly. Clasping her hands behind her head, she pushed her head further into the pillows. She barely heard her mom’s words. “Maddie. I am so sorry for what just happened. That should never have happened. Your father … no, we, it’s my fault too, we should have never let them come over. They are looking for reasons not to believe you, reasons not to accept what happened. This is so unfair for you. I am sorry.”
Maddie rolled over, sat up and embraced her mother. “I can’t stand this. I don’t know what to do. Everyone hates me. I’m sorry. Should have never told.”
“I won’t have you saying such things. Now look at me.” Judith pulled Maddie’s face close to her. Maddie could see tears welling up in her mom’s soft brown eyes. Her mother shook her head and said, “None of this is your fault. Unfortunately, you are left to deal with something that should never, never have happened. And … we should have never let it happen. If there is anyone to blame besides your uncle, it is me, and you father, for … for not knowing, for not doing something. I’m so sorry. So sorry you’ve had to deal with the miserable and horrible failures of others.”
“It has nothing to do with you mom. You and dad did all the right things. And it’s you and dad that are left to deal with all this.” Maddie nestled her head between Judith’s neck and shoulder. She knew her mom loved her, loved without any conditions – that’s what mothers do, they have to, they have no choice. She wanted that love, needed it; she was desperate to be embraced by such love. But the shame – shame demanded that love be forfeited. ‘It’s as if you’re trying to prove they shouldn’t love you.’ Angie once told her. Maddie snapped back at her therapist, ‘No one does that.’ Maddie felt her mom’s soft hand slip through her hair, then cup her neck. “Mommy, everything’s so unfair. So unfair.”
“It is. It is.”
“I’m sorry I was so ugly to Nana. I shouldn’t be that way.”
“She deserved it. But you do need to be careful what comes out that mouth of yours.”
“I know.”
“Now, Maddie. We …”
“Yes mom. I know we have to talk about it … with dad. And I know he’s going to kill me.”
“Your father is going to be disappointed. And you will have to deal with the consequences. Did it have to do with that boy?”
Maddie sat upright and held both her mom’s hands. Her sentences ran together. “Yeah. I was so scared, afraid of what he might do to himself. And mom he might have done it, he might have killed himself if we hadn’t found him. No. He would have died, he’s one crazy guy mom, after he called last night, his dad …”She stopped. Her head shook slowly. Her words echoed with the disbelief of a child desperately clinging to innocence. “He … he shot himself. He was drunk and being awful to Steven. Then he shot himself … it was an accident. The police think it’s suicide. And then … then Steven wanted to kill himself. Everything happened so fast. So fast. I knew you wouldn’t let me go, but we had to find him. Me and this friend from the hospital, we had to find him and we did. We saved him mom.”
“You don’t need to be coddling her, Judith. Just when we were beginning to trust you, young lady.” Maddie cringed. Her Father’s voice thundered with unforgiving disgust. “You're back to your old ways. And don’t think those tears will have any effect on me. Young lady, I … I don’t care what you think about my mother. You are not to talk to her in a such a manner. That kind of disrespect, I never …” Howard shook a fist at Maddie. “I should knock your head off. That’s what my father would have done. And the lies, still the lies.” Tears ran down Maddie’s cheeks. “How can you expect us to …?”
“Howard. Stop. Let’s calm down. You know your mother was completely out of line. She approached things in entirely the wrong manner. You know she is just looking for reasons not to …”
“I know she has all the more reason not to trust her, believe her. And I’m not sure how much I can trust her. And I suppose she’s been giving you some fine and dandy explanation, which justifies the deceit. Maddie, the stories you spin, I used to believe them, even the wild ones. But don’t even bother to justify your actions, your defiance. I won’t believe whatever fancy tale you come up with. Your car is gone. You cell will be cut off tomorrow and the computer is to be used for schoolwork only. No internet, whatsoever. We’re back to where we started. I think your mother and I need to talk again about you going to Colorado. Time at that wilderness ranch may be our last hope.” Howard turned and walked toward the bedroom door. He glanced back at Maddie and said, “And you will write a letter of apology to you grandmother.”
“That’ll never happen.” Maddie said under her breath.
“Maddie?” Mom said.
Howard quickly turned around. “What did you say young lady?”
“I said, I won’t do it. Ever.” Maddie said slowly.
“You will.” Howard took two steps toward the bed.
Her father clenched his fists. His flushed face and slurred words created a strange sensation inside Maddie. A se
nsation she knew she shouldn’t accept or acknowledge – but it was a wonderful sense of power and of control. “I tell you what dad. I’ll write her a letter of apology after she writes me one. After she apologizes for how she treated me today. Apologizes for not believing me. Apologizes for having a son that’s a rapist. Apologizes for not doing anything about it. She knew. She knew what went on. Half the time it happened at her house. She knew. Ask her. She knew.”
“Maddie, don’t.”
Maddie leaned toward her dad and said, “It’s true. It’s the goddamn ugly truth. Dad wants to believe her. Not me.”
Howard took another step forward. Maddie recoiled. His fist trembled as he shook it at Maddie. She pulled back further into her bed. Her father then put his hand behind his neck; tears welled up in his eyes. “Maddie. I want to believe you. I want to. But I can’t. And whose fault is that? Whose fault?”
“Mine! It’s all my fault. I lied. I storied. I’m a horrible person. Go ahead send me to goddamn Colorado, send me away forever. I’m sorry, I eff’d up everyone’s life. Please, just send me away.”
Howard’s strained and tight face accentuated his unshaven jawline. He pointed his finger near to Maddie’s face. “You do not speak like that in this house. Is that what you learned in that hospital? You had better …”
Judith stood and positioned herself between the two. “Okay. Howard, stop now. Go and cool down. Let me talk to her. Things need to settle down.”
“Oh, you do that. Talk to her. Coddle her like you always do.” Howard slammed the bedroom door on his way out.
“I hate him!”
“Maddie. Please don’t be that way.”
Maddie drew in a deep breath. “Mom. I miss the hospital. I was safe there. It was safe.”
Judith sat back on the bed and held her daughter. “Yes. But you can’t run, can’t run away. Give dad some time. He’ll calm down.”
“When’s he leaving again?”
“After New Year. He’ll be in London and Berlin for three weeks.”
Maddie said, “Good. I’m glad.” Then tears forced themselves to the surface and flowed freely. She put her head on her mother’s shoulder. Words came out between sobs. “No, it’s not good. Mom I … I want dad here. I want my dad. I … I’ve ruined everything. God, I’m … sorry. He hates me now.”
“Certainly not. And in no way have you ruined anything. Absolutely not. Give him time, puppet. We will all get through this, and life will be good as life should be.”
Maddie threw herself across her pillows, “Send me away mom. Just send me away.”
CHAPTER TWENTY-ONE
“Finally, a text. He says, ‘Don’t worry.’ I’ll throttle him when he gets back.” Chuck’s thumbs slid over his phone. He hit send. He and his mother sat in the kitchen. Bursts of laughter echoing from the living room helped calm Chuck’s nerves; at least their surprise guest and Amber were enjoying this Christmas Day.
“Ask him where he is and when he’ll be home.” Sarah said. Her voice quivered slightly.
“Just did.” His phone vibrated. “Says it doesn’t matter and he’ll be back when he’s back.” Chuck sent a text Bstrd get ass home. He muttered, “What a Christmas. What a …” An eruption of laughter from the living room interrupted Chuck. “That boy. What are we gonna do with that kid? Geez. I feel bad for him. Poor guy. You know, we can’t let him end up in some shelter. I can’t imagine what’s it like … to be homeless. His dad dead, mom dead. Mom, we’ll have to let him stay here for a while.”
“Oh Chuck. No. It would be another burden. I don’t think we could handle that right now. And … well, there are legal issues. We just can’t assume responsibility for some child. He is a runaway. And you know, he’s the one that caused such havoc in the hospital.” Sarah stopped and shook her head and spoke softly. “We have no idea what such a child is capable of. He is a very damaged young man.” She paused and whispered, “I’m sorry, but I couldn’t sleep at night with him here.”
Chuck laughed. “Oh, Mom, come on. We had guys wilder and crazier than this one staying here when I was a kid. You just didn’t know it.”
Sarah shook her head. “Not like this one Chuck. Not like this one.”
Chuck leaned toward his mom and winked. “He’s a kid that needs help. We can help him. We have to.”
“He needs a lot of help Chuck, more that we can give.”
Chuck leaned back. Trying to control growing frustration, he made sure his words came out slowly. “Let’s at least get him through the Holidays and see how it goes. That kid needs …” His phone vibrated. “Joe asked if dad’s still here” Chuck glanced down at his cell, shook his head and hit send. “I lied, told him no.”
“We don’t need to lie, Chuck.” Sarah went to the counter and poured two cups of coffee and returned to the table.
“I think we do mom.” Vibration. “Says I’m lying, and that he’s gonna turn his phone off again.”
“How’d it come to this? What’s gone wrong? I can’t make sense of anything anymore. Joe was so predictable, so normal. You were the wild one Chuck. I worried so much about you. It was a relief to have Joe come behind you.” She chuckled, a rather nervous and tempered laugh. Then she sighed and said, “Maybe that’s the problem. Maybe I focused so much on you during those years that Joe was overlooked. I always assumed he’d be fine, was fine. I missed something. And now I’ve lost him. We’ve lost him. ”
“What is lost can be found. Prodigals come home. Like to think I’m proof of that.” Robert said as he came into the kitchen and poured a cup of coffee.
“You have a hell of a lot to prove dad. A hell of a lot.” Chuck said. As his father sat down, he got up and hoisted himself up on the kitchen counter and sat with his legs dangling.
“Give me the chance Chuck, and I will prove it. Let’s be a family again.”
Chuck rolled his eyes and shook his head. “Eight years and a couple of short-lived disastrous marriages too late. All of a sudden, you want to be the father you never were. Too late dad, too late. Mom knows what I think of you coming back. We’ve done fine without you, just fine.”
“Maybe it’s too late for you. I understand that. And maybe it’s too late for Joe. But it’s not too late for your sister. And whatever you think, it is not too late for your mom. I only hope that you and Joe give him half a chance.”
“Don’t hold your breath, Robert.” Chuck hopped off the counter and walked toward the living room.
Robert leaned toward Sarah, in a quiet voice he said, “I’ve called the police on that boy. We can’t harbor a runaway.”
Chuck turned around and walked over to his father. “You did what? Such compassion Dad. Such compassion. Geez.”
“It’s the right thing to do, the only thing we can do. CPS will make sure he’s okay. He’ll be fine. We certainly don’t need to make him our problem. That kid will be fine.”
“I’m sure he will, dad. I’m sure he will.” Chuck left the kitchen and peered into the living room. Steven and his sister were playing cards; Amber insisting he was cheating, Steven grinning, then laughing. Dad was wrong. It was right having him here. It was the only right thing. Chuck stepped into the living room and said, “Com’n Steven, quick. We’re going for a drive.”
Steven played his last card and looked up. “You want to get rid of me?”
“No. I’m gonna save you. Let’s go. And listen up, Amber. Tell mom and dad that … that Steven ran off and I’ve gone to look for him. You got that?” She nodded. “And tell them … that I know where Joe is and I’m gonna go get him. Tell them that as well.”
“Do you? Do you know where he is?”
“Maybe. Maybe not. Just tell them that.” Chuck motioned to Steven to hurry.
“You’re telling me to lie. We’re not supposed to lie.”
“Sometimes Amber, it’s okay to lie, but only when we have to save someone.”
***
A police car passed Joe as he neared home; he thanked God that Steven wasn�
�t a passenger in it. Another wave of rage rolled through his stomach and his chest tightened – he knew his dad would’ve been the one who called the police. His father knew nothing about caring for other human beings. I hate him. Screw him. He fought the urge to speed past his home. After several deep breaths he somehow willed his rage away. For mom. I’ll do it for mom.
“Where’s everyone?” Joe asked as he slid quietly through the front door and into the living room.
Amber lay on the floor watching Christmas Vacation. Without looking up, she muttered, “Too much drama. Everyone left. Mom and dad, upstairs. Chuck took Steven somewhere and told me to lie about it. He took Steven so the police wouldn’t take him to someplace awful.” She paused and looked up at Joe. “Thanks for ruining Christmas, Joe. Thanks a lot.”
“You’re welcome.” Joe sat next to her and messed her hair. Amber pushed his hand away. He said, “Is it safe? You think they’ll kill me. Should I just leave again?”
“Probably. Why don’t you. You’re a jerk you know. I had to open all my pressies on my own. I got a black I-Touch. I wanted pink. They knew I wanted pink.”
“You can’t have everything you want. You’re twelve. You shouldn’t get everything you want.”
“Why shouldn’t I? It’s Christmas. Open your present.”
“Don’t want to.”
“It’s an I-Pad. You get an I-Pad. You don’t even care.”
“I know. I don’t want it, you can have it. Amber, I’m sorry I ruined Christmas. I wish I could take it all back, change everything. I am sorry.”
“You shouldn’t hate dad. Mom doesn’t hate him. I don’t hate him. He’s home. You shouldn’t hate him. You should be glad.”
“You’re too young Amber. You don’t understand. There are lots of things you don’t remember. Things you don’t know and don’t need to know.”
“I know Dad’s here. I want him here. That’s all that matters. We’re a family again. And you want to ruin it. You’re the one that doesn’t understand.”
Joe shook his head. He ran his hand through her hair and pulled it back into a ponytail and twirled it around his hand. “I don’t want to ruin things. But I’m afraid he’ll just hurt us all again.”
Life So Perfect Page 12
