by Megan Green
Whenever it was doesn’t matter. It doesn’t make it any less true.
I’m in love with Lexi Barnes.
And it’s fucking amazing.
B claps me on the shoulder, and I realize a wide grin has spread across my face. I can only imagine the stupid look he must be seeing because I feel like I’m two seconds away from floating right out of the damn kitchen. My heart flutters—fucking flutters—in my chest, and a tremor quakes through my body at the realization.
God, I’m becoming a chick.
“I’m happy for you, dude. Really. And, if the stupid-ass look on your face is any indication, I’d say you’re pretty happy with your sudden epiphany, too. But can I offer some advice?”
I shoot him a wary look, and he laughs.
“I know, I know. I’m the last person who should be offering up relationship advice. But this is important. You said it doesn’t matter, that whatever happened is in the past. And that might be true. But you still need to find out what it is.” He holds up a hand when I open my mouth to speak. “Now, I’m not saying it has to change anything. You just need to know what you’re dealing with. If it’s something major, then we need to get to work on it. We need to get ahold of the story before the press does. Give Ray a chance to work his magic and make it seem like a lesser deal than it is. Because, if the press gets ahold of it first, it won’t only destroy you; it’ll destroy her.”
I turn, leaning my hands against the counter and lowering my head. He’s right. I know he’s right. But it still doesn’t make the task any easier.
“You can’t ignore it forever, dude. You know I’m right. Sit her down. Explain everything.”
“But what if she ends it? What if she decides I’m not worth the risk? Not worth dredging up the past she so clearly wants to forget?”
B shakes his head. “Won’t happen. I’ve watched you with her. But I’ve also watched her with you. That girl’s as head over heels as you are. But, in the off chance it does, wouldn’t you rather find out now? Wouldn’t you rather end it before you got in even deeper?”
No. I’d rather things stay the way they are than risk losing her. But, again, I know he’s right. If Lexi isn’t willing to open herself to me in every way possible, then there’s always the risk that, one day, she’ll wake up and realize we’re living a lie. And then I’ll lose her anyway.
I sigh, turning around and crossing my arms over my chest as I lean back against the counter. B shoots me a grin.
“You’re annoying as fuck; you know that, right?” I say, giving him the best irritated expression I can muster.
He throws his head back and laughs, coming to my side and throwing his arm around my neck. I bend as he pulls me down into a headlock, his knuckles rubbing against my scalp.
“Yeah, but you love me anyway,” he says as he gives me a noogie.
I pull away, straightening and running a hand through my messed up hair. “Dude, what are you—twelve?”
“Twelve and a half, thank you very much,” B says with a pompous grin. “Now, let’s get back out there before that old geezer runs off with your date.”
Chapter 20
Lexi
I step through my front door, alone for the first time in almost four days.
Brandon tumbled through the front door as Ian and I were finishing breakfast this morning. The rumpled state of his hair and the fact that he was still wearing the same clothes he’d left in last night—with Liv, I might add—told both Ian and me that, whatever he’d gotten up to, he certainly hadn’t gotten much sleep.
I took the chance to excuse myself, telling them I’d leave them to catch up for a bit and go home and clean up. Ian tried to argue against me leaving, but I insisted, telling him some guy time was needed between the two of them.
Besides, I need to call Liv. And find out what in the hell happened last night.
When she’d shown up late for dinner, I’d expected Brandon to flirt with her and try to pick her up. What I hadn’t expected was Liv reciprocating. Instead of telling him off and calling him on his bullshit lines, she’d laughed and flirted back. I’d barely caught sight of the two of them as they rushed out the door, giggling like two kids who had almost gotten caught doing something they shouldn’t have been doing.
I rush upstairs and turn on the shower, pulling my cell out of my pocket while I wait for the water to heat. No calls or texts from Liv. She’s probably still sleeping it off.
Fuck it, I think, pulling up her number and pressing Send.
It rings once and then goes to voice mail. The bitch must’ve turned her phone off. She knew I’d want details.
Well, she’s not getting off that easy. I’ll have to stop by the bookstore after I get ready for the day. I’m not scheduled until this evening, but I can’t wait that long. And it’ll give Ian and Brandon a little more time to talk.
I’m not sure what went down between the two of them in the kitchen last night, but Ian was different the rest of the night after they reappeared. He held me a little tighter, his hands in almost constant contact with some part of my body. Every time his gaze caught mine, he would smile, the gesture reaching all the way to his eyes. And, after everyone left, he took my hand and led me to the bedroom where he made love to me over and over, his whispered words and soft caresses carrying me even further than the frantic and frenzied ones from before.
I never really understood the term making love before last night. I’d used it plenty of times in the past because it seemed a little more intimate than saying I fucked someone. But, until last night…until Ian, I never quite grasped the concept.
There is a vast difference between fucking and making love. They might look the same to an outsider. And, Lord knows, the end goal is basically the same. But, when you’re with someone you truly care for, someone who understands you on a deeper level, who might even understand you better than you understand yourself…
It’s downright magical.
I can now say I truly understand the meaning of becoming one. We weren’t Ian and Lexi last night. We were…us. And I like us a hell of a lot.
And that is a problem.
I jump in the shower, rushing through the motions so that I can get out and clear my head. And there’s only one way I know how to do that.
I need to call my sister.
I don’t even dry off, wrapping my puffy robe around my wet body and walking out to my bedroom. I collapse on the bed, both dreading and looking forward to this conversation.
“Hello?” Ella’s voice comes over the line after a few rings. When I don’t respond, her natural instinct kicks in—or, as I like to call it, mom mode engages—and the words tumble out. “Lexi? Are you okay? What’s wrong? Where are you?”
I let out a soft laugh. “Hi, Ells. I’m fine. I’m at home.”
She blows out a loud breath. “Don’t scare me like that. You know I worry about you living all on your own. Even with the buff guy living next door.”
The sound that escapes my lips at the mention of Ian must carry through the phone because Ella stops short.
“What is it, Lexi? Did something happen with him?”
I bury my face in the pillow, reminded of the times we were kids and she’d come home and throw herself on her twin bed next to mine, sighing into her pillow over her latest crush.
“You could say that,” I mumble into the pillow, knowing full well Ella can’t understand me.
But, to my surprise, she gasps. “Alexis Marie Barnes, you tell me what happened right now. Don’t make me come over there.”
I laugh at her usual threat. “He’s…Ella, he’s so amazing. Like the stuff-of-fairy-tales amazing. I’m half-expecting him to bust out his shining armor and his horse to ride us off into the sunset. He can’t be real.”
Ella laughs at my dreamy tone. “I was wondering why you hadn’t called lately. I figured you were busy with all this damn snow. Drew and I were actually going to drive out there this afternoon and see if you needed help digging out. He just
finished our house. Poor guy has been out there for hours.”
I shake my head and then realize she can’t see me. “No, I’m okay. You guys stay home and stay warm. We’ll take care of things over here.”
“We, huh? You’re already a we?” she asks, amusement evident in her tone.
“Well, considering I’ve spent every waking moment—and sleeping moments, too, I guess—with him for the past four days, I think it’s safe to say we’re a we.”
“Lexi!” she shrieks into the phone. “Four. Days? Can you even walk?”
I groan. “Dude, I love you, Ells. But can we not go there?”
“Sorry, sorry. But, damn…four days. I can’t even fathom…”
“Ella Garner! Enough!” I giggle. “Let’s just say, it’s true what they say about athletes. They have great…stamina.”
“Oh, he’s an athlete?” she asks, her interest piqued and finally off my sex life. “That’s not surprising. He’s got one hell of a physique.”
“Hey.” I hear Drew bark in the background.
“Don’t worry, sweetie. I still like yours better!” she shouts to him before turning her attention back to me. “So, what does he do?”
“Well, erm…he’s a baseball player.”
“Oh, baseball. I’ve always liked baseball. Does he play for a rec team?”
I laugh. “Not exactly. He’s from Seattle, remember? Where he plays for the, um…Rampage.”
Ella is silent for so long, I pull the phone back and check the connection to make sure the call didn’t drop. When I see she’s still on the other end of the line, I prod, “Ells? You still there?”
“Did you just say the Rampage? As in the Washington Rampage? Like the professional baseball team?”
My tongue swells, and I worry that Ella might disapprove of me dating a professional sports star. Especially when she realizes who he is.
“Yes,” is all I get out before the phone clatters to the floor, and I hear her footsteps bounding across the room.
“Drew! Lexi is dating a professional baseball player! You know that guy at the house the other day? He plays for the Washington. Fucking. Rampage!”
“I knew I’d heard that name! I can’t believe I didn’t recognize him. Tag fucking Taggart. I was standing in front of Tag Taggart and didn’t even get his autograph. He’s the greatest shortstop the league’s ever seen.”
I listen to them freak out for a few minutes before Ella returns and picks up the phone.
“Lexi? Are you still there?”
I cough. “Thanks for dropping me to go fangirl with your husband.”
“Dude, it’s not every day your little sister calls with news that she’s banging a sports star. It had to be celebrated.”
We laugh for a few more minutes, joking about the long ball and tight baseball pants, Drew throwing out an occasional smart-ass remark before the mood shifts.
“Wait a minute.” I hear the trepidation in Ella’s voice as soon as the words are out. “Lex, I’m looking at my laptop. Tag Taggart…he’s the player who was—”
“Yes,” I interrupt, not wanting to hear the words come out of her mouth. “But he didn’t do it. Come on, Ella. You met him. Did he seem like that type of guy?”
“Well, no,” she says tenuously. “But then again, everybody said Ted Bundy was charming as hell. And look how he turned out.”
I roll my eyes. “Ian is not Ted Bundy. He told me all about it. How he went home with the girl. They fooled around. And, the next thing he knew, he was being hit with a rape charge and slandered all over the news.”
“But, Lexi—”
“No, Ella. I know he didn’t do it. I know he didn’t. It’s not even up for discussion. The dumb bitch was after money and thought destroying a good man’s career was the best way to go about it. From what Ian’s told me, he’s not the first one she’s gone after. Apparently, she’s made a living out of extorting money from wealthy men.”
That’s all it takes to get Ella on my side. “That bitch. I hate women like her. They make all women seem like gold-digging whores, and when something bad really does happen to a woman, it takes a freaking act of Congress to get anyone to believe them.”
“Oh, I get it. And so does Ian. He told me all about how much it pisses him off that women like Angela get away with shit like this when other women have legitimate cases and can’t do anything about them. He’s quite the little feminist.”
“I like him already,” Ella says, the jovial tone returning to her voice.
She asks a few more questions about Ian’s story, and I readily answer them to the best of my ability. I’m glad to hear her mind is at ease. But talking to her has only further deepened the realization that, while I know his deep, dark secret, he still has no clue about mine.
“When are you going to bring him over? Officially introduce him to the family?” she asks during a lull in the conversation.
“Actually, Ells…that’s sort of the reason I’m calling. I need my big sister.”
I picture her sitting up straighter, her ears perked at the sudden change in my voice.
“Hold on, let me go into the bedroom. Drew, can you keep an eye on the girls? I need to talk to Lexi in private for a minute.”
I hear Drew grunt in response and then the sound of Ella moving down the hall.
As soon as the door latches behind her, she starts, “Okay, tell me what’s wrong.”
I can’t help the tears that instantly spring to my eyes. After our parents died in that car crash, Ella had been the only source of comfort I’d had. She held me while I cried, laughed with me as I smiled, cheered when I accomplished something I’d set my mind to. We might have lived with our aunt and uncle, but really, Ella has been the only family I’ve had in a long, long time.
“He doesn’t know,” I say through my tears, my voice wavering slightly as I choke back a sob.
Ella doesn’t have to ask what I mean. She knows. “You haven’t told him?”
I sniffle. “I’m too scared. Too frightened of bringing up the past and letting that darkness back inside.”
Ella exhales slowly. “I can understand that. Let me ask you this. Do you think it would change things between you two?”
I let out a shaky breath. “Well, of course it would. How could it not? I almost killed someone, Ella. Two someones. All because I was a stupid, careless asshole. What would happen if word of that got out? He’s finally rebuilding his life after the charges were dropped. How could I let myself ruin his career if reporters got hold of this?”
Ella’s silent for a moment, and I can practically hear the words turning in her head. “Don’t you think you might be making a bigger deal out of this than it is? I mean, yes, the mistake you made was awful. Nobody is downplaying that. But do you honestly think reporters are going to dig so far as to find that out and then spread it all over the tabloids?”
When she says it like that, I realize it does sound a bit outlandish. I mean, there are plenty of people actively committing crimes every day. Who’s going to care about a DUI from almost two years ago? But then again, am I willing to take that chance? I’ve seen drug charges from decades before come back to haunt celebrities and athletes. Who’s to say this will be swept under the rug?
I voice these concerns to Ella, and she clicks her tongue.
“I don’t know, Lexi. I still think you’re making this into something it’s not. I think you need to sit him down, tell him what happened, and let him make his own decision. If he decides it’s something he can’t deal with, well, then he doesn’t deserve you anyway.”
I laugh at her protective tone. Ella Garner, big-sister extraordinaire.
“Thanks, Ells. Thanks for talking me through it. I feel a lot better now.”
“Good,” she says, her smile evident from her tone. “I’m glad you feel better. But, Lexi, I meant what I said. You can’t start a relationship with someone when you’re hiding so much of yourself. It might be in the past, but it still actively affects who you
are. He deserves to know.”
“I know,” I say, giving myself a stern nod. “I’m going to tell him. Tonight.”
Ian’s alone by the time I make my way back over to his house.
“Where’s Brandon?” I ask as Ian leans in to kiss me on the cheek.
“Out with Liv. And then he’s got a late flight back to Seattle. He asked me to tell you good-bye for him. And make you promise you’ll visit him when you fly out to see me,” he says matter-of-factly, like there’s not even the slightest possibility that I might not visit him once he returns to Seattle.
It only enhances the importance of the topic I need to broach, and I wring my hands, moving around him as I head straight to the couch.
He joins me, perching himself next to me and nervously running his hands up and down my arms. “Lexi? What is it? What’s wrong?”
I bite back the tears, determined to get through this conversation without crying. “We need to talk.”
Ian lets out a loud sigh. “We do. I was hoping we could put it off a little longer, but I guess sooner is better than later.”
I’m a little shocked that he has something he needs to say to me, too. And I grasp at it, desperate to put off the conversation I’ve been stewing over all day. “You go first.”
Ian rubs his hands over his face. “Okay, here goes nothing.” He takes a deep breath, and then the words pour out of him. “I realized something last night. While I was in the kitchen with Brandon. And then again while we were in bed. And I know you’re going to think I’m crazy. You’re going to tell me it’s too soon. And you might even run from me. But I’m done lying to myself. I’m done trying to pretend like I don’t feel the things I feel for you simply because I’ve been hurt before.”
I gulp, my thoughts spinning over where this might be heading, when he takes my hands in his, turning so that he’s looking me straight in the eye.
“So, here it is, Lexi Barnes. I’m in love with you. I’m in love with your smart mouth and your shrewd comments. I’m in love with your kind eyes and your beautiful smile. I’m in love with your gorgeous body and your insanely perfect mouth. But, most of all, I’m in love with you. The you I get to see when nobody else is around. The you I see when you drop your guard, letting the world—letting me—inside those barricades you’ve so carefully constructed. I’m in love with every single part of you, Lexi. Even the less than perfect ones.”
