“I miss you, Dex,” she mumbled.
*****
Sera hoped it was the trip to the lake the day before that sapped her energy. She didn’t want to give into the fear that her time with Dex slid through her hands like water. Trooping across the lawns to Dex’s house was out of the question. She barely made it to the couch, where she collapsed, exhausted. So she called Dex from there.
“Hey, Dex.”
“Good morning, Elspeth.” He sighed, seeming resigned to her nagging.
“Today is sort of a couch potato day for me. I was hoping you’d come over and keep me company.” She bit her lip, waiting for a snarky, cold response.
“Does it occur to you that I might have other things I have to do than listen to you lecture me?”
Sera frowned to herself. She didn’t know what day of the week it was, let alone what time of year. She wasn’t even sure how long she’d been “dead.” “It’s summer,” she said, though it sounded more like a question than a statement. “Are you still in school? Or do you have a job?”
Dex sighed. “Normally a job. But work gets slow and my boss lays me off for a while.”
Sera grinned. “Perfect. We’re both bored.”
“I can think of a lot better ways to spend my time.”
She ignored the slight. “I can’t.” She waited for an answer then finally said, “So are you coming over here or should I crawl over there?”
Dex didn’t answer for a much longer time. “Fine. I don’t know why I keep doing what you want.”
Sera laughed softly. “Because I’m right?”
“Doubtful.”
She thought she might’ve heard something of a smile in his voice. “Because I’m starting to grow on you,” she said.
“If you like the pushy, stubborn type.”
“I’ll see you in a few minutes.” Sera hung up before he changed his mind.
It took Dex an hour to make his way over—so much time that Sera almost called again to remind him he said he would. Finally, just when she was picking up the phone, Corinne escorted Dex into the family room.
He paused in the door before coming to sit down on the couch next to her feet, which surprised Sera. “You look awful, Elspeth.”
She raised her eyebrows. “If your rudeness hasn’t scared me off by now, I doubt it will suddenly start working.”
Dex rolled his eyes. “Forgive me. Imminent death looks good on you.” He slumped onto the couch. “Well, let’s get started and get today’s sermon over with.”
Sera laughed then cut it off when she sounded more like she was choking. “Got a date?”
“As a matter of fact, yes.”
Sera ignored the hurt that stuck in her throat. “Oh, where are you taking me?”
The shadow of a smile passed over Dex’s lips. It made Sera’s heart leap. “No offense, El,” (Sera tried not to giggle when he used a nickname), “but most people don’t take well to dining with zombies.”
This time Sera laughed softly under her breath. “That’s true.”
Dex waited through a few moments of awkward silence before sighing loudly. “What? You disapprove of dating now too?”
Sera shook her head. “Not at all. I just hope she deserves you.”
Dex barked out a single hack of harsh laughter. “Which is a nice way of saying you think I’m scraping the bottom of the dating barrel. That’s everyone after Sera.”
Sera hoped Elspeth’s terrible skin tone masked the heat rushing up her face. Then again, she could probably use the color. “How would I know who you’ve been dating?” she asked instead. At least she hadn’t lied and said she didn’t know.
Dex leaned forward. “You know the last words Sera said to me but not who I’ve been dating?” he accused. Sera opened her mouth, trying to think of something to say—that didn’t sound triumphant—but Dex leaned back and shook his head. “Sometimes I think I’m going crazy, Elspeth.”
Sera frowned. “Why?”
“Because every once in a while I think I might believe that you did see Sera somehow. Sometimes it’s even like . . . like you’re . . . channeling her or something.”
She wanted to reach out and touch his hand, but she held it back. “So do you believe me then? That I’m here because Sera sent me?”
“I don’t know,” he admitted. “I wish I really could believe it.”
Sera wrung her hands. “So believe it . . . please, Dex.”
“That’s so easy to say isn’t it?” he snapped. “Just believe. And I thought I could. But when she died I couldn’t help doubting—”
“That’s when you get on your knees, Dex. Nobody, least of all Him, expects you to do it on your own.”
He shook his head. “It doesn’t help, Elspeth. I know you want this really bad, but I just don’t believe anymore. If God is out there, He left me alone.”
“No, no, Dex,” Sera said, feeling anguished. Her heart twisted to hear him say that. She leaned forward. “He would never.”
Dex looked up at her. “Has anyone you loved ever died, Elspeth?”
She froze, searching her memories. She didn’t know for Elspeth, but she did for herself. No. Not until she had to be taken from Dex, and that was different. She knew he lived on because she could touch a computer screen and see his face.
“No,” she whispered.
“Exactly. It’s final. It’s the end,” he said. She shook her head, but he held his hand up. “You’ve done your best. If Sera came to you in a dream or something—maybe you really believe that. And I can’t explain the things you say or the things you know, but nothing has happened since Sera died to make me believe she’s waiting for me in heaven.”
*****
Dex couldn’t believe he actually hesitated at the door of the club. Why is Elspeth affecting me at all? He gritted his teeth. No matter how close to Sera Elspeth might make him feel, she’d be dead in a day or two, if not sometime tonight. And when Elspeth was gone, he’d feel the same way he had when Sera died. Wouldn’t he? He’d remember how alone he was. How empty. For even an inkling of belief that he might actually see Sera again someday, that she waited in heaven, he had to hear Elspeth say it constantly. When he left her—and when she left him—any small assurance he’d collected disappeared.
I’m so weak . . . The thought surprised him. Being weak meant needing help. He shook his head. No. Relying on an imaginary Being for comfort is weak. He tried to make it sound final in his mind, but it didn’t.
So he strode forward, grasped the metal handle, and yanked. The heavy sound of bass thumped louder, blasting toward his ears and drowning out the disconcerting thoughts.
“DEX!”
A voice near the bar attracted Dex’s attention. He looked up to see Greyson Alexander pushing his way through the throng of people toward him.
“Hey, Grey,” Dex shouted over the ear-splitting music. Why did it sound so much louder than it usually did?
Greyson clapped Dex on the shoulder. “Where ya been, man?” he asked.
“With a friend.” Dex shoved his hands into his pockets, and scowled when he wondered what Elspeth was doing. Stupid girl.
Greyson seemed to see something in Dex’s expression. “Dude. Sorry.” He grimaced.
Dex forced a smile and a cold laugh. “Hey, if I got broken up for everybody dying around here, when would I stop crying?”
Greyson nodded. “Sure.” Dex didn’t think Greyson believed the cool act. He’d know it reminded Dex of Sera. “Well, I know what can cure that,” Greyson said, pushing Dex toward the bar he came from.
“Exactly,” Dex muttered.
Elspeth’s voice shot through his brain, somehow taking on the same tonal quality of Sera’s. Is that really making you happy, Dex?
“Shut up, Elspeth.”
“What was that?” Greyson asked, turning to hand Dex a drink.
“Nothing.” Dex accepted the drink gratefully. He swirled it, watching the lights glint of the deep, red liquid. Again, hesitation surprised hi
m. Will it make me happy?
For tonight. And that’s enough.
. . . Or is it?
“What’s up?” Greyson looked puzzled.
“You know, I can’t figure it out, but I’m not sure this will help.” He clenched his teeth. Part of him wanted to bolt the drink, knowing that with it would come the carelessness he needed. Part of him knew that no matter how much he drank, he’d never be as numb as he wanted.
Greyson laughed.
Dex started to push the drink back to him. “It’s crazy, I know. Not tonight, though.”
“Dex! You’re late. You said you’d be here an hour ago.” A gentle swipe from the small of his back up to his shoulder accompanied the smooth voice that interrupted.
He turned. “Stella.”
She wrapped her tanned arms around his waist, resting her hands in the back pockets of his jeans. Something like glitter shimmered on her naked shoulders, matching the small sheath of sparkling fabric masquerading as a shirt. His free hand unconsciously stroked her bare back.
She chewed on her bottom lip, drawing his attention to her mouth. “I missed you.”
He took a deep breath. “Yeah. Sorry.”
Stella unhooked one hand from his pocket to take his drink. She sipped it, scowling at the burn at first then smiling. “Hard stuff?”
“Hard day.”
She leaned closer, kissing below his ear. “Poor baby.”
“Yeah . . .” he breathed. Stella’s soft touch, her kiss—that was a reminder of love he’d much rather have.
Love?
Shut-up, Elspeth. But it wasn’t her voice. He ignored the guilt. He brought the drink to his lips and tossed it down. More than alcohol seared down his throat. He handed his glass to Greyson, smiling, although it felt ghastly.
“We’re going to need a few more rounds.”
*****
“Elspeth? . . . Ellie, honey, I think it’s time you went to bed.”
Sera turned away from the dark window where she’d watched since Dex’s car pulled out of the driveway. “I’m going to wait for Dex to come home.”
Corinne sighed and stepped into the room. “You look exhausted.”
Sera tried smiling. “I’m sure I look worse than exhausted, but I’m still going to stay up and wait for him.”
Corinne walked to the couch and sat down. “Elspeth . . .”
Sera reached out and took her hand. Corinne grimaced at the thin, spindly fingers, but didn’t comment. “I know you don’t understand,” Sera said. “I’m only here to try and save Dex. I’m sorry. You must feel like you’re losing your last moments with me, but I have to do this.”
Corinne shook her head and tried to swallow. “I’m . . . I’m thankful for the extra time,” she whispered.
Sera scooted over and wrapped her arms around Corinne’s shoulders. “I’m going to be just fine. I wish I could explain.”
Corinne laughed through tears. “Perhaps spending so much time with Dex made you forget that not all of us have lost our faith.” Sera furrowed her eyebrows. “Just the fact that you came back to us—for whatever time we get—was a miracle, Ellie. I don’t doubt that I’ll see you again. And you seem to glow, like you finally believe that too.”
Finally? “I . . . I. . .” Sera didn’t know what to say. She waited for a reaction from Elspeth, but didn’t know why. Elspeth’s voice and thoughts had long since faded out.
“I guess being so near death tends to change your perspective?” Corinne answered when Sera couldn’t. “Don’t worry about this mission you have with Dex.” Corinne chuckled lowly. “Seeing you happier than you have been in years? That’s a miracle too. I can let you go. It’s almost easy when I know you know where you’re going.”
Sera exhaled and wrapped her arms around Corinne again, trying to force back the confusion. What kind of life did Elspeth have?
Corinne leaned back and fished a tissue out of her pocket. She wiped her eyes and then glanced outside. “Headlights,” she pointed out.
Sera ignored them and brushed at some stray tears on Corinne’s cheek. “Thanks.”
Corinne leaned over and kissed Sera on the cheek. “Goodnight, dear.”
Sera nodded then finally turned to the window. She watched Dex get out of his car. She glared when he walked around to the passenger side and opened the door. A tall girl slid gracefully out, linking her fingers with Dex’s. A sequined top, covering only her front, glittered in the porch light. Dex wrapped an arm around her waist and pulled her close, kissing her with passion—drunken passion, Sera could tell with disgust. Her heart thumped. Dex’s parents were gone for the night. He mentioned that earlier just as he was leaving. That was the reason for the date.
She pushed the blankets off her legs. Give me the strength to stop this. With adrenaline pumping through her veins, she hurried as fast as she could—not near fast enough for her—to the front door, but she crossed the enjoined lawns with care. Having to get back up after falling would take more strength than she had.
Dex and the girl were already in the house when she reached the front porch. They hadn’t bothered to close the blinds in the living room. Sera looked purposefully away from the lighted window when she banged her fragile fist against the door. Still images burned her brain. Dex’s arms pulling that girl closer, into his lap, his lips tracing lines along her jaw, her neck. Sera swallowed back nausea.
“Elspeth?” Dex’s slurred voice sounded shocked. His top button was undone. “What are you doing here?” He sounded angry.
“What do you think I’m doing here?” she demanded, feeling angry and hurt.
Dex pushed at the door, but not hard since Elspeth shoved her arms against it. “Go home.”
“No.” With strength she didn’t know she had, she shoved at the door again. Dex must not have tried too hard to keep her out. She stepped inside. “Sera would be heartbroken.”
“SERA IS DEAD!” Dex shouted. “Now get out!”
“NO!” Her own yell sounded weak in comparison. She hoped the fire in her eyes made up for it.
“Should I leave?” voice interrupted, followed by an intoxicated giggle.
Dex turned. “No. Just go back to the living room—better yet,” he turned maliciously toward Sera, “you can go on up to my room. I’ll be up in a minute.”
The girl giggled again and sauntered to the stairs. She tripped and planted her face into the third step from the bottom. Sera tried not to feel vindicated.
Dex turned back to Sera, obviously unconcerned for his companion. “Now is not the time, Elspeth. I told you. You tried; I’m not buying it so butt out.”
“I’d die of guilt alone if I let you go through with this,” Sera challenged.
Dex punched the wall next to the door. Sera jumped at the thunderous sound; watched the cracks web and splinter outward, white dust clouding around Dex.
“Don’t I deserve a chance to be happy again?” he thundered.
“Yes! Be happy, Dex!” Sera knew she was losing track of who Dex saw when he looked at her. She didn’t care. “And if that means there has to be another girl, fine, but not that kind of girl.” She threw her arm toward the stairs, not caring that tears coursed down her cheeks, but surprised that she meant what she said. She’d cried the first time she saw an image on the computer of Dex kissing another girl.
“You think I’m going to find another girl like Sera?” He surprised Sera by grabbing her thin arm and dragging her to a mirror in the hall. “So I can watch another one die? Wake up, Elspeth! There’s a virus killing everyone out there. Everyone but me.”
Sera turned away from Elspeth’s sickening image. “Don’t go up there, Dex. You’ll never find what you really want.”
Dex’s face slid into a hard mask. “Goodnight, Elspeth.” He turned away from her and headed for the stairs.
His figure swam in front of Sera, tilting. She stumbled, gripping the edge of a chair. “Please, babe,” she whispered, swaying. She fell to the floor. The room around her blurred out
of sight. Blackness and pain swept over her.
“Elspeth!” Dex’s voice sounded muffled, as though something clogged her ears.
“Please,” she whispered again, wanting to reach for him. “Please.”
*****
It surprised Sera that she regained consciousness, but her body felt numb. They’re coming soon. She didn’t even have the will to open her eyes. Elspeth’s body was spent. Surely The Guides would not allow Sera to do anymore damage.
I’ll go willingly. But as she thought of her mission and how she failed, emotion burned her chest. She tried to tell herself she did her best. But what had she really said? She’d planned so many discourses in her head to change him but couldn’t get to them. The disappointment choked her. Tears slipped from under her eyelids and traced a cold path across her feverish cheeks.
“Are you in pain?” The voice, accompanied by the familiar touch on her cheek, made Sera fight to open her eyes.
“Dex?” It was barely audible.
“Of course.”
Sera paused, waiting for another voice to join his. “Where’s her . . . mom?” It was so hard to breathe. She couldn’t get one deep enough.
Dex wiped a gentle hand across her forehead. “Honestly? I don’t know. She said she needed air. I think she just couldn’t stand to watch her daughter die a second time.” His voice cracked. He cleared his throat.
“Listen, Dex.” Sera fought for the strength for one last plea. “There’s something you . . . have to promise me. My dying wish . . . okay?”
Dex reached out and took her hands, clutching them inside his own. “You’ve already tried that one on me.”
She stared at him, trying to remember if something came up in their earlier conversations.
“You’re Sera,” he stated, ending her mental search. She gaped. “I don’t know how or why. I don’t understand at all but somehow you are.”
“How could . . . you know?” Would The Guides punish her for this? She didn’t care.
He laughed softly, the first true laugh since Sera returned to Earth. “You know too much and there’s something about your eyes.” He paused, the moment filled with emotion. “How could you do this to me, honey? How could you make me lose you all over again?”
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