by Brent Miller
He let out a loud sigh as he walked. He knew he was pushing everyone away – and all he wanted was to change. Garrick knew he didn’t have much of a chance on his own, and he wasn’t good at bottling up his feelings. What choice did he have, though? He didn’t see any of his friends the same way when he looked at them. They reminded him that he himself was, at least very possibly, a murderer. If nothing else, he was an accomplice.
Tyler, however, was not. Garrick hated that he had to hide anything from his best friend. Aside from just wanting to be trustworthy, he knew he was shoving away the only friend he could actually trust – even about the lycanthropy. Tyler was the only one who wouldn’t just say they were justified to appease his own conscience. Even if unconsciously, Garrick knew the others were hurting, and they just believed what they had to. All he needed was one person to just be blunt and honest. It was too dangerous to tell anyone, though; especially now that he wasn’t in a pack. Being alone made a wolf an easy target, and anyone with information could be interrogated by the hunters. It was unfair to share his curse with people who had a chance to live normal lives.
While he’d never actually seen hunters, Aldric swore they existed. He would never divulge any information as far as how he knew; he’d just say that there were hunters out there who would kill werewolves for nothing more than what they were. As he kicked some stones in his path, Garrick couldn’t help but wonder if that was actually a problem.
“Garrick,” Hayden greeted him on his porch. She stood and walked to him as he approached. She wrapped her arms around him and he hugged back, weakly and not quite as convincingly as he wanted to.
He nearly collapsed, sitting down on the porch. Hayden sat close to him, their legs barely touching. He rested his arms on his knees as he leaned forward. She placed a hand on his arm and waited for him to say something before she talked.
He had always loved that about her. She was a very touchy person. No matter what they were doing, they were touching in one way or another. Whether it was just their legs barely brushing together as they sat near each other or her holding his hand when they walked. He felt like she really loved him.
He looked at her, poorly concealed pain dulling the shine in both of their eyes. Somber silence filled the world around them, and the seconds began to drag on.
“Hey,” was all he was finally able to muster.
“Hey,” she responded, quiet and inquisitive. “You haven’t texted me all day. I thought you were dead.”
“Sorry, I must have left my phone here,” he said. He was genuinely apologetic. He was forgetful sometimes, and his phone was often a victim of that.
“Garrick, please come back. Apologize to Aldric. I can’t keep wondering when they’ll find you. It’s killing me.”
“I can’t apologize for something I don’t regret. I’m right, Hayden. You know that.”
“It doesn’t matter who’s right. What matters is that he keeps us safe.”
“At what cost?”
“Garrick…”
“I wish I could forget. That I could just convince myself it was necessary like the rest of you. But I just can’t – it isn’t that easy, Hayden.”
“Why not?”
“I can’t be with them anymore.”
“With them?” she asked. “What about me? I’m with them.”
“This isn’t about you. You know I love you.” It was only partially true. He did love her, and it wasn’t entirely about her. He knew he could get over what she was doing just because of the way he felt about her, but a part of him was scared to. Garrick was terrified that he’d start to be accepting of murder because he was blinded by love. Still, it was mostly the others.
“Please, Garrick. Don’t leave us. Don’t leave me.”
“I have to do this, Hayden. You can come with me. We don’t have to obey his every command. We don’t have to be like him.” Words started pouring out as he finally confessed what had been weighing down on him.
“He’s kept us safe.”
“That isn’t a reason to blindly trust him! He doesn’t tell us anything – he just hides behind a veil of age and wisdom. That isn’t a way to earn trust.”
“We don’t need to know everything!”
“Why not? What if he’s wrong?”
“What if you are?”
“Then at least I tried.”
“You could get someone hurt, Garrick.”
“I could save someone.”
“Garrick! You don’t get it! He’s protecting people! It’s not his fault people are where they shouldn’t be!”
“Stop defending him! He led us to murder, don’t you get that?”
With that, an aura of silence filled the air once again. Garrick’s heart dropped as though it were made of stone.
“I can’t just sit back and watch you die, Garrick.”
“Well, I can’t just sit back and watch you kill.”
“How could you even say that?” she asked – the shock and pain evident in her voice. “You think I enjoy killing people? It tortures me, Garrick. The dreams about what we might have done. I just know that I must move on. It’s the only way we can be safe.”
“When you saw it, you didn’t even react.”
“One of us had to be strong! You’re blaming me for being that one? For being there when you needed me?”
“No! I just –”
“You what? Think I should be crying about it still? That I should let my life stop – let that tragedy mean nothing at all?”
“I think we should be finding a solution!”
“Like leaving the pack? Getting ourselves killed? Is that what you want?”
“Of course not.”
“You’re acting so selfish, Garrick. You think that we aren’t all affected by this? Just because you can’t handle it doesn’t mean you have the right to judge us for doing what we have to do to survive.”
“I’m not upset by what you’ve done! No one could help what happened in that forest. I’m angry about what you’re doing now! What you aren’t. What none of you are doing. I feel like I’m the only one who actually wants to be sure that no one else dies.”
She didn’t respond. Tears welled up in her eyes as the silence forced its way back into their surroundings. Garrick took a few deep breaths, trying to calm himself down enough to avoid yelling. It would only get worse if someone overheard their conversation.
“Being in that pack,” he started again. “I can’t help but see what we are, Hayden. We’re monsters. Killers.”
“I am not a monster,” she said angrily. She stood and walked away from him, leaning against a post but refusing to look back. “I am a girl who’s doing what I have to do to survive with this terrible thing that happened to me. I can’t believe you would insult me for that.”
“Hayden, wait,” Garrick sighed as he followed her. His tone softened. It wasn’t that what he said wasn’t accurate, but he hadn’t wanted to hurt her. He wished he could have just bottled it up.
“No, Garrick. If you can’t stand to be around us, then don’t be. Stay away from me. I can’t keep looking into your eyes and seeing nothing but hatred replacing all the love that was there. Even if it’s just a part of me you hate, it’s still me. You go ahead and die trying to be a hero. But I am not going to have you on my mind all the time anymore. I can’t have a boyfriend who may or may not still love me. And I definitely can’t have one who could be dead tomorrow because he’s so completely self-righteous that he won’t even try to survive!”
She was screaming at him now, and he was worried that the neighbors would hear some of their conversation. A fire burned in her eyes, and she looked so angry that he was physically taken aback, moving a step away. He felt his own anger start to fade into sadness, and he just looked back at her expressionless.
She looked like she wanted a response, but he didn’t have one for her. He continued to stare blankly as she scoffed angrily and turned from him. There wasn’t even sadness anymore – his brain was over
whelmed to the point that it shut off. The anger, sadness, and pure disbelief blended together and interfered with one another to the point that he just couldn’t feel. Garrick wanted her to come back – he wanted to find the magic words that would make the argument disappear – but he wouldn’t lie, and he knew no words he had could convince her. He just watched the love of his life walk away. The second she was out of site, he collapsed to his knees as the realization of what had happened hit him, and the tears fell.
Chapter 4
Twenty-one months ago
Garrick silently sat amongst Hayden’s friends, chewing quietly and contributing as minimally to the conversation as possible. Though he’d been eating with them for a month, he didn’t feel a part of the group. Hayden wanted him there, and that was enough for him, but it didn’t mean he had to be talkative. Most of the others didn’t seem to particularly care about his presence. Chase was the only one who seemed to notice him, but he was just a genuinely good person, and Garrick had grown to like him. They weren’t the closest friends, but they were far closer than Garrick would have assumed he’d be with anyone in that group.
Over the past month, Garrick had begun to see Chase as a friend, and he started to feel a loyalty toward him. Hayden had told him that the two of them used to date, and they both seemed over it, but he still wasn’t sure if it was right. He knew there was no obligation – it wasn’t as if he was stealing Chase’s girlfriend. Garrick didn’t even know him before he’d fallen for her. Still, he decided he should at least talk to him about it. There hadn’t been many opportunities, though, and he felt far too uncomfortable when they were alone.
Garrick was perfectly copacetic with his limited participation in any discussions anyway. It gave him more time to think – to lock himself in his mind like he usually did. From the impressions the others gave off, Garrick was the only introvert present – and he tended to prefer his thoughts to most human interaction – unless it was with Hayden. Though he’d only known her for two months, he couldn’t shake the idea that he wanted to spend his life with her. Maybe it was just him romanticizing their relationship. After all, he wasn’t sure she even knew he felt that way – or that he felt anything for her. Every time he tried to bring it up, he was paralyzed by the fear that she interpreted things differently, or that she didn’t feel the same, so he just avoided discussing it.
As the lunch bell rang, Garrick mustered up his courage. There were two conversations he wasn’t looking forward to, but he didn’t want to avoid them. He had to pick one to tackle, so he chose the one which was awkward but not necessarily intimidating.
“I’ll catch up with you later,” he told Hayden.
“Oh, okay,” she shrugged. Hayden stood and walked out of the room, and Garrick watched her leave. He was definitely not ready to risk losing her, and he lacked the confidence to try to label anything with her. Instead, he hoped to build up his confidence with lower stakes. Though it wasn’t ideal, he’d rather lose Chase as a friend than Hayden as – whatever she was.
“Hey, man,” Garrick said quietly after Brooke and Cailean waked away.
“Hi?” Chase laughed.
“I want to ask you something.”
“What’s up, Garrick? Is everything okay?”
“Yeah, I just… Well, over the past month, I’ve really started to consider you a good friend of mine.”
“Well thanks, I appreciate that.”
“I know you and Hayden used to be an item,” he continued. Garrick had never felt more uncomfortable in his life, but he felt like this was something he had to talk to Chase about. If he wanted the two of them to stay friends, he couldn’t ask Hayden out without at least giving him a heads-up. Aside from that, a part of him was actually happy to be pushing his comfort zone. He knew he wouldn’t be able to skate through life only partaking in safe and amicable conversation.
“An item?”
“Together,” Garrick clarified.
“Together?” Chase asked slowly, squinting.
“Dating,” Garrick choked out, barely able to function through the difficult conversation. Chase was silent for a second, but then his inquisitive look finally broke into a smile.
“I’m just messing with you, Garrick. Can’t make something easy for you, can I?” He asked with a laugh. He patted Garrick’s shoulder and stood up. Garrick wasn’t entirely sure what to say, so he just stood as well.
“That was a long time ago,” Chase added, his demeanor becoming slightly somber and nostalgic.
“What happened?” Garrick asked. The two of them started walking out of the lunchroom and toward the hall. Garrick had no idea where Chase’s class was, so he was just following him and hoping the path didn’t take him too far from his own.
“Well,” he responded hesitantly. Garrick felt like Chase was hiding something – selecting his words very carefully. “We really liked each other. But I don’t think we were ever meant to be more than friends, you know? I guess the time came for us to decide if we really wanted to be with each other forever. And we just didn’t.”
“I see. So it’s all in the past, then?”
“Of course.”
“So you’d be fine if I asked her out?”
Chase smirked, stopping in his tracks and looked back at him. “You haven’t? You two have been holding hands for a month, my friend. I figured you were both just terrible at hiding a secret relationship.”
“Maybe it’s a bit of that,” Garrick smiled back. “I don’t know, I guess I’ve just been too afraid to ruin it. But I want to officially go out with her, you know? I just couldn’t do that without at least talking to you about it first.”
“Why?”
“I don’t know,” Garrick shrugged. He felt himself loosening up and managed to find the confidence to add humor to his tone. “I just didn’t want to ruin our blossoming friendship.”
“You’re a good guy, Garrick,” Chase said as he placed a hand on Garrick’s shoulder. “I guess that just proves that Hayden has good taste. I’m happy for both of you.”
Chase turned and walked away, leaving Garrick to stand there with his thoughts for a moment. He started beaming for more reasons than he bothered to count. He felt triumphant that he finally had his dreaded conversation, hopeful for his future with Hayden, and glad to have a new friend.
Chase stopped again, turning around to look at Garrick harshly. “Oh, but one thing: if you hurt her, I will literally tear you apart.”
“I’d be disappointed if you didn’t,” Garrick responded sincerely.
Present
21 days until the full moon
Garrick checked his phone. There hadn’t been any sound, and he set the ringer to the highest setting, just in case someone called. Still, he checked it. Denial somehow made him question his enhanced hearing against all logic – and he convinced himself he may have missed the tone.
Hayden hadn’t said a word to him all weekend. He had left her two voicemails and tried texting her a dozen times, but she never responded.
He had begged his mom to let him stay home from school while attempting to talk as little about the break-up as possible. He was lying on his bed staring blankly at the ceiling. Allowing himself to check the phone again, Garrick saw that it had been two minutes since he last opened it. Every minute seemed to drag on for decades.
He sat up and rubbed his eyes. Garrick could feel the lack of sleep affecting him. He hadn’t moved, but he was also scared to close his eyes – lest he see Hayden. There was no motivation left for him to do anything. He hadn’t showered or changed clothes in two days, and the only times he had left were when he needed to use the restroom. Even when he ate, he just hid in his room. His mom had been understanding and even ate with him once, but the entire meal was shared in silence as Garrick just looked at the wall. She hadn’t said anything, but he knew she didn’t want to see that again – so she’d taken to eating in front of the television.
He stumbled to the bathroom. His legs were weak, and he had to c
atch himself on the door. He wasn’t sure if that was from a psychological side-effect or if his legs were simply protesting due to their lack of use over the past few days. Given the fact that anything physical was bound to heal, he was leaning toward the former. Unfortunately, simply understanding that it was psychosomatic didn’t fend off the weakness.
He made his way to the bathroom and brushed his teeth, took a shower, and changed. He wasn’t sure where he was going, but he knew he had to get out of the house. If Garrick didn’t act upon his sudden motivation to move, there was no way to know when it would come back. After making himself slightly more presentable, he stepped outside and walked for about half of an hour, up and down random streets, just to find himself at the coffee shop he loved so much. He smiled weakly and went inside.
“Hey, Garrick,” Sammi said. The shop was empty, but she went back and started preparing a drink. When he realized it was for him, he decided that he definitely did go there too frequently.
Though it made him feel special that the barista remembered his order, he hated that she was working. If he’d realized she wouldn’t be at school, Garrick wouldn’t have gone in. Even though she had mentioned that she’d graduated three years ago, his mind just wasn’t up for putting things together. Since she was there, though, he had to fake a smile. At that point, she became another person he had to try to convince he was okay.
“Playing hooky?” she asked with a sly smile. She leaned over the counter. Her blond hair fell over her shoulder, and Garrick had to blink to stop himself from seeing Hayden.
“Don’t tell,” he joked. He walked up to the counter, pulling out his wallet. He thought about how many times he had been in there. Yes, he’d gone alone and with Tyler. But the painful memories were with Hayden. Those memories followed him everywhere he went.
Garrick handed her a few dollars and took the coffee, exchanging pleasantries before retreating to a table in the corner. It became his personal goal to forget that he wasn’t alone in that room. The countertop with packets of sugar was directly in front of him. Hayden had never been able to stand drinking black coffee. Of course, he hadn’t been aware when they started dating, but caffeine didn’t even affect her at all. She basically used it as a conduit for cream and sugar. Growing up, Garrick had learned from his mother, who always worked late, that it was a way to help him wake up. After he was scratched, he just continued to drink it out of habit more than anything else.
