by Brent Miller
“How often do you feed the birds?” Garrick spoke up, trying to break the awkward tension. Usually strangers wouldn’t sit next to someone else on a bench, especially when there were plenty more around the park. Still, even if it were with a random person feeding some birds, Garrick would have been grateful for conversation. This was one of the very rare times that he wanted a way out of his head.
“Only when I need to look busy while I wait for someone to talk to me.”
“Sounds lonely.”
“I have other people to talk to,” the man laughed, “It’s not for me.”
“So you think I’m looking for someone to talk to?”
“You look like a young man with a lot on your chest. You ditched school today, and now you’re sitting on a bench behind a church. It seems like you’re looking for something.”
Garrick looked up, finally recognizing exactly where he was. He hadn’t been to the church since he was a child. He wasn’t sure what had happened, really, or why he hadn’t been back, but he recalled the entire area in that moment. Maybe the man was right. Maybe he was looking for answers, and some part of him felt like he’d find them there.
“What’s on your mind?” The man pressed gently. He didn’t look directly at Garrick. His gaze was fixed on the birds in front of him. It was almost like he was intentionally trying to avoid looking at Garrick. Not because he seemed uncomfortable, but because he was trying to avoid making Garrick uncomfortable. It wasn’t until Garrick looked closer at the man’s face that he actually recognized him as the pastor of the church. He must have dealt with quite a few people who really needed to talk about their lives.
Still, Garrick was relatively certain that he’d never dealt with something of this magnitude before. This was a burden that Garrick couldn’t share with someone else. Yet he found himself compelled to talk. The man sitting next to him seemed so easy to talk to, and Garrick really did need to talk about everything running through his mind. If Garrick opening up and sharing too much information with someone was an inevitability, at least this person was likely to be trustworthy.
“I don’t go here,” he explained.
“I know.”
“Why do you care? You don’t know me.”
The man just smiled, finally looking to Garrick. “Because you’re lost.”
A tear started welling in Garrick’s eye. Despite his best effort to hold it back, the tear rolled down his face. He didn’t deserve anyone to look at him with such compassion – such sympathy. This stranger, though, was the first to catch him when he fell.
“You don’t have to talk to me,” the man offered. Garrick didn’t realize how long he’d been in his head, but it must have been a few minutes. “But if you need to, I’ll be here.”
“What if you can’t help me?”
“I probably can’t. But sometimes it makes it better to talk things through.”
“Have you ever done anything bad?” Garrick finally opened up.
“More than I’d like to admit.”
“I don’t mean getting angry at someone and saying something you shouldn’t. I mean something really bad. Something you aren’t sure you can come back from.”
“Trust me, there is nothing you can’t come back from.”
“What if it’s too late to make it alright?”
“It’s never too late. There is no way that you can ever be too lost to be found.”
Garrick knew that this wasn’t going anywhere. He could tell that this man wanted to help, but there was no way a human could understand what had happened. It wasn’t his fault, but he couldn’t say anything to comfort him, and Garrick couldn’t be specific enough for any real advice.
“Right,” Garrick muttered, deflated, “thanks.”
“Do you want me to tell you what you need to do to repent? To be forgiven? That isn’t what I do. I think that whatever you’ve done, you are clearly tearing yourself up over it. Things get better. You just have to find your peace. It’s up to you to decide how to make it right. What I’m here for is to tell you that you can.”
“What I’ve done… There’s no making it right.”
“What did you do?”
“And what if I can’t stop myself from doing it again?” Garrick continued, ignoring the man’s question. He was more talking to himself – just venting without regard for the listener anymore. He realized, though, that he had to be very careful, because that was a dangerous mindset.
“It might be hard, but you have to hold on to your strength. Don’t give up. You can find strength within yourself, and whatever this is, you don’t have to do it again.”
“I hurt someone,” Garrick finally admitted. He knew he shouldn’t be talking about it, but he couldn’t stop himself. It felt great to have someone to talk to – someone from whom he could expect no judgement. Of course, if he let too much information pour out, there had to be a time when even this man’s kindness would die.
“I’m sorry,” Garrick quickly added. “I need to go.”
“Do you think you’re going to hurt someone else?”
“Thanks for the talk,” Garrick responded. In that moment, he was thankful that the pastor didn’t recognize him. In his desperation for connection with a normal human being, he’d opened up too much, and now this man was concerned Garrick was going to commit a crime. He’d be obligated to report it if Garrick wasn’t careful, and he knew he didn’t have the self-control at the moment to keep himself from pouring out his heart. He stood and walked away as he finished his sentence. “But this burden isn’t yours.”
A few more hours of walking led Garrick to the lake just outside of town. He had no gauge of how long he’d been walking, but it had probably been a few hours, because the sun was starting to set – reflecting orange and purple hues from the surface of the water. Sitting on the dock, his shoes just barely grazed the surface of the water. He tossed a rock across the water, watching it skip a few dozen times to the other side of the lake. Garrick remembered taking trips to the lake and skipping rocks with his mom when he was younger. Back then, they’d never made it even a quarter of the way across – only jumping two or three times across the water. There hadn’t been a change in his skill, as far as he knew, but he assumed the increased force alone was enough to get that extra distance.
It had been a while since Garrick had spent time near the water. He used to go there a lot with his mom as a kid, but as he grew up, he started to get more interested in the woods. His mother had been promoted and taken a detective position, so she didn’t have as much time, and he had started spending weekends with Tyler and later Hayden, so it didn’t seem worthwhile to travel so far out of town. The woods seemed so much larger – like they hid beautiful mysteries that he wanted to find – while the lake just seemed to have its beauty displayed on its surface. Whenever he needed to think, he’d often go somewhere he could find himself surrounded by trees. Now, though, the rest of the pack was aware of that. Though he wasn’t sure if any of them would try to find them, he wanted to be somewhere they wouldn’t be able to.
Garrick felt as though he was at the end of his rope. The last place he thought would have his answers only proved to make him feel worse. He always wanted to believe that he was a good person, but how could that possibly be true? Garrick was lost – drowning in mistakes that he’d made – and a simple conversation with someone wasn’t going to change that.
If he were as good as he thought – as he hoped – he was, surely he’d be able to think of one person whose life was better because he was in it. Instead, though, all he did was put the people he cared about in danger. It was just like Cailean said – Garrick was toxic.
Garrick heard a quiet splashing in the water, and his head darted to the side. Not quick enough to see whatever had caused the sound, he only noticed the ripples in the water. It was just a fish swimming around. He audibly laughed at how paranoid he’d become. Ever since he got scratched, his life was just spiraling downhill, and it didn’t seem like there wa
s anything he could do to slow the momentum of his descent.
Garrick would have given anything to go back in time and change that night. He should have trusted Hayden more. Of course she wouldn’t do anything to hurt him – she never would have. He had gotten jealous, and because of that, he trapped himself in a constant nightmare that the lycanthropy brought along with it.
Since his first turn, Garrick spent so much of his life trying to be normal. He ended up with Samantha not because he loved her, that was obvious to him, but because she was human. With her, it felt like he had something normal again. Of course, that had backfired.
Even Tyler knew, so that took away one of his last normal, human relationships. There wasn’t much tying him to that old life of his, and he could feel it rapidly slipping from his reach.
Was that why he killed Chase? Garrick had no idea which wolf scratched him – there was a chance that it had been Chase. As little as Garrick wanted to believe it, was it possible that he killed Chase because he thought it could cure him? He hoped that wasn’t it – he believed that he had done it for Chase – but he was starting to question himself. He wasn’t even sure who he was anymore.
There were a few quiet footsteps on the dock. Garrick didn’t bother turning around, because he recognized the footfall. Garrick sighed. As much as he knew he fully deserved whatever verbal abuse was coming his way, he also knew he wasn’t emotionally prepared for it.
“How did you find me?” Garrick muttered as Cailean sat next to him on the dock. Neither of them looked at the other, but Garrick recognized Cailean’s shoes as they dangled over the water.
“Tyler told me you used to come here a lot.”
Garrick remained silent. He should have been a bit smarter if he didn’t want to be found. He picked a place that someone knew he’d go to. While he hadn’t picked the single most obvious place, he had chosen the second most predictable place.
“You weren’t at school.”
“I’m not feeling well.”
“None of us are,” Cailean concurred. His tone sounded harsh, but he looked down at the water after he said it, apparently regretting his tone. He looked like he had something on his mind, but he couldn’t bring himself to say it. Garrick had been impressed when the pastor had noticed that look on Garrick’s face, but in that moment realized that it wasn’t too difficult to see when someone had something that needed to be said.
“I’m sorry, Garrick,” Cailean finally mustered up the courage to say.
“For what?” Garrick was shocked that Cailean would ever admit he was wrong or apologize for anything.
“I was out of line. I was upset when I found out what happened, and I turned on you. I know you’re torn up, and you don’t need me making that worse on you.”
“Nothing you said was wrong. All I do is hurt the people around me.”
“Don’t say that. You know it isn’t true,” Cailean sighed, finally looking away from water and looking Garrick in the eye.
“You were right, Cailean. I’m toxic.” Garrick looked away, unable to face the shame of looking at his friend in the eye.
“Shut up. I’ve never met someone who tries harder than you to do what’s right. And yes, Garrick, that includes Chase. He was always a great person, of course, but he changed when you joined us. You weren’t becoming more like him, Garrick, he was becoming more like you.”
Garrick almost said something, but Cailean held up a finger to tell him to wait. Garrick knew how hard it must have been for Cailean to be talking about this, so he didn’t want to interrupt him. It wasn’t any easier for him to hear, but he knew Cailean had gone far out of his way and set quite a bit of pride aside to prepare that speech.
“If I were ever in trouble, you’re the first person I would have expected to be there for me. Chase saw how hard you were trying, and he was inspired. I know that I told you his death was your fault. It wasn’t. What was your fault is that he died feeling like he had a purpose. He believed in you, and he wasn’t wrong to. You’re a good man, Garrick. And I’m sorry for acting like that isn’t true.”
Garrick could see tears welling up in Cailean’s eyes. He was developing a new respect for his friend. Though he wasn’t convinced that anything Cailean was saying was true, he knew that Cailean believed it, and it meant a lot to hear.
“You don’t get it, Cailean. I didn’t leave him there.”
“Don’t,” Cailean interrupted.”
“I can’t keep hiding things.”
“No, but I know. I know, Garrick. That’s part of why I reacted so strongly,” he sighed, placing his hands on the dock behind him and leaning back. He sighed, clearly struggling to find the right words. “Don’t worry, no one told me. It’s just… obvious. I mean, I pieced it together from your reaction and everything. You don’t have to say it.”
“How can you still think I’m good?”
“My father has explained to me how agonizing death is when you’re attacked during the change. Your body tries to heal, but it heals to a broken state, and it just falls apart. That is a horrible death, and avoiding it is merciful.”
“But Cailean,” Garrick argued, for some reason still trying to convince Cailean to hate him. “What if that wasn’t my motivation? I thought there was a chance that killing him might cure me.”
“You think that didn’t cross my mind? You’re always talking about finding a cure, and there’s only one that I know works. That isn’t why you did it. We both know that. I know you too well to believe that you would have killed him to benefit yourself.”
“It should have been me.”
“If it should have been you, then Chase died for nothing. He believed in you. And so do the rest of us, Garrick. Don’t let Chase’s death be in vain. You have to find a way to move on and to live your life. That’s what he wanted. That’s why he went there that night. You owe him one thing – and only one thing – and that’s to honor his wish.”
Garrick let Cailean’s words sink in for a moment. Maybe he was right. There was nothing Garrick could do to make everything right, but it was done. Chase had sacrificed himself, and Garrick was going to do everything he could to make sure that his friend didn’t die for nothing. If that just meant living his life as well as he could and fighting off the hunters, he would. Rather than dwelling over the past, he owed it to Chase, and to his memory, to live in the present.
“Thanks, Cailean.” An awkward silence drifted over them, and Garrick looked at Cailean, tears welling up in his eyes.
“We’re not hugging,” Cailean said, standing up. He patted Garrick’s shoulder, trying to mask the fact that he was quietly sniffling. He wasn’t going to sacrifice his image, even when it was just the two of them, but Garrick knew that Cailean cared about him. It was a good feeling to be forgiven, even if he wasn’t ready to forgive himself.
As Cailean left, Garrick continued looking into the water, as if there would be answers there. As if the water really did have more answers than it let on – lurking just beneath the surface. Garrick wasn’t sure what else he could do to move on, but for the first time since it had happened, he felt like he might be able to.
Chapter 15
Fourteen months ago
Garrick broke into a jog toward the woods. With each step, he was able to muster more confidence. Defying all logic, he was beginning to convince himself that his trek was a good decision. Maybe chasing her down while she was camping with her friend was the grand romantic gesture they needed to work through everything.
By the time he broke the tree line, he was already short of breath. He stopped running and just walked deeper into the woods, trying his best to stabilize his breathing. To kill time as he waited to catch his breath, Garrick checked the time on his phone. The trees filtered out the minimal sunlight, and everything around him was dark. For the most part, Garrick was only able to make out the shadows of anything lurking in front of him. Despite his best attempts to keep mental notes of the paths he took through the darkness, after a few more
turns, Garrick was aware that he was completely lost.
“Hayden” he called into the emptiness around him. Garrick wasn’t expecting her to hear, especially with the trees blocking perpetuation of sound waves. Nonetheless, he had to try, because he was starting to get concerned that he had no idea how to find his way home, and he’d need some direction. “I have no idea where you are, but I really need to find you.”
“Hayden,” he repeated desperately. At first it had seemed like a good idea, but he was starting to question himself for going out there. If he found her, he could talk to her and try to work things out. Regardless of how much thought he put into it, though, there was no conclusion other than the one he’d reached. Garrick felt naïve for being compelled to follow her – and for hoping there were any way things could work out for them.
Garrick let his distractible mind wander, peering around at the trees near him. He had always attributed a sort of supernatural, mystical vibe to these woods. As he was walking through them, though, he had no idea why. There was nothing special or unique about any individual tree, and together all they did was served as a border for the town.
“Garrick?” He heard her voice from somewhere behind him. Startled, Garrick jumped and turned quickly. He hoped her vision was as inhibited as his own, and maybe she hadn’t seen his reaction. As his eyes focused a bit more on her, he was able to tell that Hayden was wearing her underwear. Garrick wore a sweatshirt and pants, and he was still cold – so he instantly ruled out any possibility that it was just comfortable sleeping attire.
“What’s going on?” he inquired, confusion apparent in his voice.
“Why are you here?” she responded with a question of her own. Her voice was filled with fear, and all of his confidence instantly drained from him. In hindsight, it seemed rather obvious that running blindly into the woods to find the girl that he loved – who happened to be with another guy at the time – was not a good idea.
