by DC Alexander
My home security system was a do it yourself sort of thing. I was 17 years old and female, living alone in a neighborhood where drug deals were made in the open and the law didn’t come just one carload at a time. I had to defend myself or leave and I had nowhere to go.
I saw a movie where a man in a bad neighborhood made traps at the windows and doors, the idea seemed like just what I needed. I had to figure out where I needed to put the things for best effect and I didn’t want anyone to know what I was doing, surprise was half the effect. So I used a broom and measured where someone would stand to look in each window. I made some marks around the windows, figuring it all out. I put my stuff in at night so nobody could see what I was doing. It took a while. I used a candle when I had to have light because I didn’t have a flashlight handy.
Jessie Ray asked me ”What you doin’ with all that stuff on your house at night, girl? Is you Crazy? Or is that some sort of hoodoo?” I didn’t answer but it tickled me, I hadn’t thought about the hoodoo angle. I went back and did it up with lipstick and spray paint to make the marks permanent and added a few flourishes I got from library books to make them look better.
For the window peepers I got some two foot by four foot pieces of plywood cut at the lumber store and used an electric screw driver to put long deck screws through the plywood. About three inches of the sharp ends were exposed about ever two inches.
I put one under each window with the points sticking up and scattered dirt and leaves over them to make them hard to see.
About four a.m. one night somebody stepped on the one under the window at the back of the house. They screamed continuously as they ran away, it had that sound like a horn blowing when it passed you by, the Doppler Effect. The next day I looked out there. Three bloody footprints on the board; when the first foot got stuck the second foot must’ve slammed down to pull it off and it got stuck too, then they got one loose and stuck it again. There was a bloody handprint on the plywood among the screws. I guess they tried to push it off their foot using a hand and that didn’t work out well. I didn’t get many visitors at the windows any more.
A couple days later I ran into Amanda at the store. She asked me how I could do something like that, set a trap that could get anybody that come by. I told her if she could tell me a single good reason for someone to be fooling around my window I’d go home and take them up. They’re still there. She has too many kids around to be able to do something like that at her house or I’d offer to help her.
It would be easier to come in through a wall than the back door, we’d sealed it off good after the bird incident, Grammaw talked about break-ins but it was about the birds. The front door was trickier because I had to be able to get back inside. I’d tried bracing a shotgun on a chair tied to the door knob. I planned to open the door a little and untie the string so it wouldn’t shoot me when I came back. When I eased the door open the gun went off and took the top hinge off the door, plus it fell and the second barrel went and about got me.
I got a plug in fence charger and hooked it to the door when I left and before I went to bed. I used a pair of rubber gloves and it was set. It worked like a charm.
The bus got near the mall and I got off. It was hot as hell outside and in the mall was nice and cool and clean.
The guards always watched me for some reason, and there they were; two of them walked over close to me looking everywhere but at me. It was pretty obvious what they were doing. That wasn’t paranoia. They’d watch me everywhere I went. It just possibly had something to do with my disguise.
I stepped in the mall burger joint for a sandwich. I took my time and enjoyed it, even though it seemed like it was kind of soft and damp, and wasn’t very fresh. Sitting there eating my sandwich and enjoying the cool, my stomach gurgled. Just a little gurgle, it wasn’t too bad. I took a sip of my drink and my belly rumbled again and made an ascending ‘gloop, gloop, gloop’ sound like water pouring out of a jug. That was a little alarming but maybe that was all there was to it. Shouldn’t be the burger, there hadn’t been time. Maybe nothing, it seemed to have settled down, it was going to be ok
Then it gurgled again and I got a pressure a little like a cramp deep down below my navel. Suddenly I was full of liquid under pressure and my body wanted to get rid of it.
Most times, with a stomach problem, I sat outside on the ground, the peace and quiet made it better. I guess the bustle and people at the mall interfered with peaceful thinking. I always felt a little weak there, kind of like when I slept too long and couldn’t quite get up.
This might go to emergency status pretty soon. Another gurgle. Cold sweat popped up on my forehead and ran down my back. All these people, looking at me, waiting for me to humiliate myself, nowhere to hide, unable to run. Added in the shakes to the chills and bellyache.
Forcing calm on myself and projecting ‘no problem here, no hurry, taking my time’, I finished up the sandwich, got up and walked down the corridor toward the bathrooms. The mall stretched out before me. The sign for restrooms was barely in sight in the distance. I might have pushed it a little finishing that sandwich. Too late to cry, things were getting tight. I was getting there, holding out, squeezing and using short quick steps. Pressure built. My belly locked down in a hard cramp and I had to stop and touch the wall for support. There wasn’t any room left in me. If I took a step it would be over. My knees were wobbly and weak. The groans from my belly were almost continuous.
Looking around desperately, where could I go if I couldn’t make it all the way to the bathroom? A security guard stayed with me, casually keeping up on the other side of the corridor. He’d give me trouble if I tried to hunker down behind a potted plant. The cramp eased enough to let me move again. I moved in as fast a careful shuffle as I could, forcing down the images of embarrassment and humiliation. I could see me with a nasty mess all over in the middle of the hall, a crowd looking and pointing. It was harder to breath. My stomach made a sound like a punctured balloon, high and whistling. I had an urge to let just a little pressure off, my body said, “hey, it will be all better if you let a little gas out”. That was a lie. If anything at all escaped, the floodgates would open and there would be no stopping it. So I muttered in reply ‘Naw. Just a second. We almost there. Ten more steps. A couple teenagers looked at me curiously and veered away. “Good move! Wish I could move away!”
The bathroom sign slowly drew closer ahead in the distance. I was ready to give it up when I finally arrived, had to stop a couple times and clench for all I was worth. I hit the door too hard on the way in, flinging it out of my way hard enough it bounced off the wall. The first stall was right there, I shuffled/ran stiffly and snatched the door open, groaning from the tension and bad feeling, I turned and backed in while pulling up my dress. Multitasking, a ballet in fast motion, already cutting little bursts of –gas I hope-, the end was upon me.
I glanced behind me as I backed in. There was a blonde white woman sitting there on the toilet talking on a damn phone. I almost turned loose in her lap but with a supreme effort and a squeal I staggered out of the stall and went to the next one holding my shorts and panties partway down and the muumuu up. DAMN that awkward collection of junk. I tried for casual and polite but fast. The woman made little whiny bitching noises “Ew! Oh! Ah, ah, ewww!” and choked but I paid it no mind, I had urgent business that required my attention. At least it was a smaller audience now. She didn’t lock the door to the stall. Maybe she lay in wait for women in a hurry to come in and show their ass. Christ, that didn’t make sense, it was the sickness. Arghhh! The humiliation! But I had some business that I needed to take care of that took precedence. It felt like there was an animal in my belly trying to claw its way out of there. I didn’t blame an animal for wanting to get out of there, I suspect it wasn’t pleasant, but I hadn’t swallowed any animals. It was just my bowels were poisoned.
Everything turned loose as I sat down, there was no stopping it. My knees went weak and I fell most of the way. I wondered if I w
as going to die. I was sick at the stomach.
It had me doubled over groaning, then I had some more and it got worse. Lots of tooting and gas noises that weren’t polite to make in public unless you could blame it on somebody else. I couldn’t do anything about it and the bathroom was for that sort of thing. I got weak all over and the urge to vomit was almost overwhelming, I held back with all I had, there was no place to vomit.
The noise continued and got worse. Creaking and groaning and little high pitched noises, tweeting, sudden blasts and long drawn out bugling noises I felt all the way down to my toes. Surely there couldn’t be much more after all that, I was not that large, unless it made more as I sat there.
According to this smell I’d eaten something that had been dead and laying out in the sun by the highway for at least a week.
That bitch in the next stall continued with her complaints, she whined, she talked on the phone; “She just barged in on me, I was sitting here and she turned and EXPOSED herself to me, right in my face!” Then “Oh my god, she’s passing gas right next to me!” Maybe she thought she was muttering too low for me to hear but I heard her just fine.
She got loud, “Hey, can you flush that toilet? Oh MY GOD” kinda polite, I guess she was talking to me. She started gagging and sounded like she was going to puke. I couldn’t blame her for that; I gagged a little myself. But she shouldn’t be botherin me while I’m sick and in pain. I was doubled over with both arms across my stomach holding on to life. I didn’t have the energy to flush. My belly just wasn’t feeling good. Sick and the smell didn’t help, I groaned a little. I didn’t really care what that bitch next door said, we all got to go sometimes but she was annoying me something awful.
Talking to her phone buddy, she said “Did you HEAR that? She might be dying; Oh my GOD! The smell is AWful! I’ve got to go. I can’t take any more of this, hold on a sec!” I could hear her getting up and muttering. Her zipper made that zipping sound and then there was a little splash and she hollered “Oh my GOD, this is just awful, my phone! What did I DO! Damn, damn, damn it!”
I didn’t want to have a conversation. I was concentrating. That was annoying. Did she not know I could hear her? She spoke with ‘ing’s clearly enunciated on everything she said, and pronounced ‘I’ with two syllables like a Yankee. Maybe she didn’t know any better. I said as politely as I could manage, “My belly hurtin, you silly bitch, why doan you jes shut de fuck up befo I come over dere and push yo head in the damn toilet!” I’d had enough of her.
She got quiet and came out without flushing the toilet and left without washing her hands which was just unsanitary. I bent back and forth and wiggled, things had stopped moving. I had to wonder if I had eaten some chunks of glass or rocks or peanuts or something like that. I was sure I hadn’t, but whatever it was, I needed to make a note not to eat that anymore. I concentrated on my task and seemed to be making headway.
The door opened and a man’s voice shouted “Hello? Is there anyone in here?” then he said quietly”...hoo… ooh.” He probably wanted to come in and clean up. Why couldn’t he wait till after everybody went home? He shouldn’t clean up in the middle of the day.
I hollered real polite and casual like “Yes they anyone in here!”
He had backed out a little so he could breathe, he shouted, “Miss, are you ok? Do you need help? I can send someone if you’re in distress.”
Damn it! That’s just the way of the world, some people would come in on a person doing their business and want to have a conversation in the middle of something like evacuating boiling acid chunks covered with broken glass. Not to mention the smell. It being my smell you wouldn’t think it would be that bad. It was worse than that. I would give up on a person that smelled like that, just run away, it was over.
This man, though. He just wouldn’t quit. I hollered back at him, not quite as polite this time “Is you some sorta perverted mothafucka that wanna talk with a woman doin her bidness? How about you go the hell on, I don’t want help with this.”
I heard the door close, with any luck at all that son of a bitch had left.
All that shouting back and forth must have helped free things up, I finished up and felt better instantly, all light and my belly’s way better, just weak and tired. I got cleaned up finally, glad they keep spare rolls of paper in there. I wasn’t about to flush. No way was I taking a chance on a stopped up toilet and the entertainment that would bring.
I eased next door and looked. There was one of those Iphones in there, with nothing else visible! I had a pair of latex gloves in my purse, I quickly put them on and kind of stood back in my mind and watched. I wanted it bad. Reaching in quick, I grabbed it. I was distanced from the person doing it so it wasn’t that bad a thing. A mental buzz covered any thinking I might have done. I rushed to the sink and washed it off and dried it, this was one of those things I wasn’t going to think about. I threw the gloves away, wrapped the phone up in paper towels and put it in my purse so it would dry out.
I washed my hands, there wasn’t any telling what you might catch in a public restroom like that. I washed them again and smelled to make sure they didn’t have anything on them before I left. I gotta say though, my nose had about retired from the strain, so it wasn’t a sure thing.
I looked for the man who was hollering at me in there when I came out, but there wasn’t anyone outside. As a matter of fact, there was a large area on that side of the corridor with nobody in it. People walking by acted like they hit an invisible wall when they got close and they moved toward the other side and went faster. They were looking around and holding their breath and coughing. What had they expected, it was a bathroom; it would stink sometimes, people shit in those places. I held my breath to blend in and walked away as though I wasn’t the one who had done it.
I picked a nearby lingerie store to browse and let the witnesses thin a little. The people in the store watched me come in, they moved away when I got too close to them, scared I’d rub off on them or infect them; maybe they thought I had a disease. Sometimes the damn muumuu was more trouble than it was worth.
I picked a nearby lingerie store to browse and walk off my meal. The people in the store watched me come in, they moved away when I got too close to them, scared I’d rub off on them or infect them; maybe they thought I had a disease. Sometimes the damn muumuu was more trouble than it was worth. A little bouncy haired brunette strode over to see what I wanted or to see if I stole something. She had on a short black skirt, stockings, a crisp white blouse perfectly tucked in her waistband, her breasts were pushed up to make cleavage but she needed more to work with in my opinion. I stopped and stared at her and she backed off, she tried to make it look natural by intently studying a rack of teddies.
A skinny little blonde in a yellow dress that just barely covered the juncture of her thighs came right up to me asked “Can I help you ma’am? Is there something in particular that you’re looking for?” She wasn’t bothered by the stare. She acted like she didn’t notice the way I dressed. I was another customer and she was glad to see me.
I said “I’m lookin for something sexy, I want to make friends, you get me?” and she laughed like we were best friends, putting her hand on my arm. “What do you have that will do that for me?”
“Come over here and let’s look at the scents. I’m sure we have something that will suit you.” I was just messing with them, but perfume might actually work out.
Some of those perfumes smelled really good, some of them smelled like a chemical factory with bitter metallic undertones. We sniffed some bottles, she sprayed some on my wrist and I rubbed it around and sniffed it, taking my time. We checked out several. She stood close and watched me attentively.
I said “I sweat in this heat. Deodorant doesn’t work; the sweat washes it off as soon as I get outside. Is there any way to deal with that?” She wasn’t put off by me. I cautiously used language like she was a person.
She laughed “I know what you mean, the heat is awful!” We
looked and smelled, I found myself having a good time. We got into the depilatory area, I’d never used anything like that but she thought of it as a necessity. She said “I’m Sheila, by the way” and I told her my name after considering if there was a reason not to do so; apparently we were friends.
I asked her about using the hair removal products and she was helpful, she offered to help me with it. She gave me her address and phone number and invited me to come to her place after she got off work. I bought the stuff and left. I didn’t know if I’d go to her place, maybe, I liked the way she acted. One thing I was sure about, she knew how to sell. That might have been all there was to it.
I headed on to the grocery store. I ate on purpose before I got groceries, I don’t shop hungry. I read that you didn’t ever want to shop for groceries when you were hungry; it made you prone to impulse buying.
I couldn’t load up much at one trip because I had to ride back on the bus. If I got on the bus with more stuff than I could keep my hands on some of it would go missing. The idea of getting a car kept hitting me, it would be so damn handy to make one trip do it all. I had the money but I didn’t have anywhere to put it and I didn’t have a license. Oh well. I got what I really needed; I’d just have to make another trip later.
My purse felt full of bricks, my back aching, my feet hurt, that was the price I paid for carrying the damn thing. Sometimes it almost wasn’t worth it, but I was used to it and the idea of not having it was scary.
When I was outside, the fresh air helped, I didn’t get as tired and the aches went away; inside the stores, I felt anchorless and loose. It actually felt like I was getting drained. It wasn’t a good feeling, but nobody else ever showed any sign of it so it must just be my imagination.
Chapter Four
