by V McFarlane
“And then once I tell you, I’m going to leave and we’re going to be done. You will need to find a new nanny.”
“You’re quitting?” He blurts.
I ignore him and start.
“When I was nineteen, I met a guy called Ric. Ric was charming. He was caring. But he was this dark heart, the one that no one could seem to capture but I did. I thought I was the luckiest girl in the world. I thought I loved him. I didn’t but that’s neither here nor there. I fell pregnant within the first three months of our relationship. I was really happy, but I didn’t know Ric, not at all actually. What he showed me was nothing like what he was. I should have known that he wasn’t a good guy, but I was young and I was naïve and I wanted him to love me.”
Taron is silent, his eyes never leaving mine. I hate that he’s been the one thing I needed him not to be. I hate that my heart is breaking at the prospect of walking out that door and not coming back. But it’s the right thing to do. It’s time to build something for Ava and me and I can’t build something with someone who turned out to be the very thing I ran away from.
“The pregnancy was fine, easy actually and then Ava was born. We moved in together, but Ric was very rarely home, I was practically raising her alone. I didn’t go to college. I lost my friends. Ric never told me what he was doing when he was out every night and I didn’t ask. I’ve never been in trouble in my life. I’ve never even spoke to a police officer before. I was good at school, I completed my homework every night and went to bed at ten P.M without fail.
“Ric and I broke up before Ava turned one. The relationship wasn’t there and all I cared about was my daughter. He was still her dad and came over every so often to see her and take her out, but it was a tenuous thing. One day he might show, the next he wouldn’t but I never took her away from him. I was willing to make it work but he wasn’t doing the same.
“Ava had just turned five when the cops came knocking. They busted down my door and searched my house. I had no idea what was going on, all I know is that they were looking for Ric and it had something to do with the case they had against him.
“Like I said, I did nothing wrong. They asked me a few questions and then they left.”
I take a deep breath, pushing back the haunting memories that threaten to overwhelm me.
“The next day it was all over the news that Ric had been caught and was in jail. A string of offences against him and no lawyer. He was involved in thefts and drugs and other things that I don’t really care to divulge because it’s not important. These offences go way back to his teenage years. He was a bad man. And I didn’t know. I knew nothing.”
Taron’s face has softened, his body relaxing with each passing moment, but he doesn’t get to do that. He doesn’t get to act like he did nothing wrong.
“The next day everything changed for me. The town was small, gossip spread, and people had this new opinion of me that they weren’t willing to change. I went through hell because of what Ric did, I paid for his crimes when I had nothing to do with it. People said things to me, to my face and behind my back. They started calling the cops just because they could and I’d have the cops at my door because someone complained about a non-existent issue. They told me I wasn’t a good mom, that I didn’t deserve Ava and then it started at school with Ava. She was bullied and taunted. Teased relentlessly every day.
“Every day I had to pick up the pieces and put her back together. I wiped away tears. I cuddled and soothed, slept next to her but it got too much. I needed to get away from it all. So, I moved. And that’s it.”
“Penny,” Taron starts, “I’m–”
I cut him off, “Don’t say you’re sorry Taron. It’s done now.”
“You’re actually going to leave, aren’t you?”
“I am.”
“Please,” he begs, “I’m sorry, I didn’t think. I just…”
“It’s okay,” I nod, “I forgive you but like I said, I needed something from you. I was going to tell you this morning and all of this would have been different, but Carla got there first and I’m going to have to deal with the entire town knowing too. You judged me like they did and for that, I just, I can’t.”
He doesn’t try to stop me. He doesn’t follow me through the house begging for forgiveness, he just stares in panic as I gather Ava up and call a cab to take us home.
Forty-five
Penny
“No, we’re not doing this,” Grace shoves her way into the bedroom, going straight for the curtains to tug them open and allow the light of day to flood into the room.
All my days have sort of blurred into one since that day back at the ranch with Taron. It’s the weekend, I know that much and that’s only because after I climbed my sorry ass out of bed at six A.M this morning to get Ava up she kindly reminded me it was Saturday and she was allowed to sleep in on Saturdays. I wasn’t arguing.
I left her in bed and crawled my way back to bed where I’ve been ever since.
Grace has been a saviour. I haven’t had to leave the house once and I’ll forever be grateful.
“Get your sorry ass out of bed. Now.”
“No.” I grumble, burying my face beneath the duvet.
“I’ve allowed you a few days but now this is ridiculous. We’re going out. You need fresh air,” she inhales, “and a shower.”
“I can’t go out.”
Where’s that confidence I had when I was with Taron that day, you ask? Well I left it there apparently. I’m too afraid to face the music. It’s easier to just hide behind a closed door. It’s been suspiciously quiet though. By now, if this were my old town, I would have had cops knocking at my door and words shouted at me from the street outside.
So far, I’ve had nothing.
Ava has been fine too. Ever since that incident with Ethan, nothing else has happened. She’s come home every day from school as happy as ever.
It was all very strange.
“You can go out,” Grace says, “And we are. We are going to take the kids to the park and then we’re going to have a walk and a nice coffee.”
That did sound nice.
“Go get in the shower, I’ll sort the kids.”
On a sigh, I throw back the covers and trudge to the bathroom, closing and locking the door behind me. I pull my phone out of my pocket and open the last message from Taron.
Sent yesterday at ten P.M.
Penny. I’m sorry. Please. Come back.
I was being unfair as Grace had kindly pointed out.
I acted like I had something to hide. I kept it all some big secret like I had done something wrong, if I had just told him early on, we could have avoided all of this.
But he did do the one thing I needed him not to. He jumped to conclusions. He thought the worst of me. He knows me. I know he does. But does he see me?
The hot water washes away my days old grime and I groan with bliss as I scrub my fingers through my hair, washing away the fact that it hasn’t been brushed in days.
Heartbreak is not pretty.
And that’s what this was. A broken heart. The pain in my chest can only be described as soul crushing. I have no idea how Taron became so deeply rooted in me, but he has and the day I walked out, I left my heart there.
Once out of the shower I wrap myself in a towel and pull my wet locks into a ponytail, not bothering to dry it which I’m sure I’ll pay for later with a massive kink but who cares? I don’t.
Grace is entertaining the kids when I finally make it downstairs.
“Mommy!” Ava shouts, jumping up from where she’s building blocks with Logan to run and throw herself at me.
Jeez, how long has it been since I hugged her?
Guilt washes through me. I lift her from the ground and hold her closely to me, sighing with contentment when she wraps her arms and legs around me, burying her face into my neck like she always does. Tears prick at my eyes.
No. Don’t cry. I’ve cried too much.
“I love you,” I whisper i
nto Ava’s ear, “I’m sorry, mommy’s been a bit rubbish.”
“It’s okay, I miss Taron and Ripley too.” She says.
God this girl!
“Yeah baby,” I agree, “I miss them.”
“We can go see them!” She exclaims.
“Not today,” I tell her but then add when her little brows pull down in confusion, “We’re going to the park and auntie Grace promised to buy you icecream.”
“Wait what?” Grace hollers, picking up her purse.
“Don’t disappoint now, auntie Grace,” I tut, “Ava loves icecream.”
“Fine,” Grace grumbles, “But only because you’re actually leaving the house.”
I smile smugly and slip my feet into my sandals, heading out to Grace’s car because apparently, I don’t have one anymore. I have no idea what happened to my jeep and I’m too chicken to call Taron and find out and well I’m not going to continue to drive the Wrangler.
The kids are chattering animatedly in the back and I can’t help but feel like something is missing. Like there should be one extra voice coming from those seats.
“Maybe you should just talk to him,” Grace suddenly says.
“What?”
“Don’t play dumb, Pen, I know you. You’re thinking about him.”
I shrug. “I don’t even know if he’ll want to see me now.”
“Bullshit!”
“Grace!” I scold.
“Ah, kids, sorry,” she shakes her head, “You’d think I’d be used to this by now.”
I sigh, “What am I supposed to say?”
“That you’re sorry for over-reacting. That you’re an idiot and that you love him.”
My head snaps back at her bluntness. “Just say it how it is why don’t you.”
She laughs, “Pen, I love you, I’ve tried to be soft but that’s got us nowhere. It’s time for the tough love.”
“You’re telling me,” I grumble with a pout. “You’re supposed to be on my side. It’s your moral obligation as my best friend.”
“Oh please,” she tuts, “It’s my obligation as your best friend to tell you when you’re wrong and this is one of those times. Don’t get me wrong, Taron was also wrong for jumping to conclusions, but we’ve been through this. It’s kind of your fault.”
“I know,” I admit defeated. “But I doubt he’ll even want anything to do with me. Surely being seen with me will be bad for business.”
“Has anything happened this week?”
She knows the answer, but I shake my head, no.
“Exactly, this town isn’t like the little town back home. No one cares. That Carla chick is a psycho, maybe she doesn’t have the reach she thinks she does.”
I contemplate that for a moment. Winters Creek wasn’t anything like my previous town. It was bigger, not by much but it seemed friendlier. Not that I’ve reached out and made any friends.
Have I just been sabotaging myself this entire time?
Grace parks the car at the playground and I climb out, still thinking about what she said.
“You know I’m right, Pen,” Grace squeezes my arm, her voice softening, “You deserve to be happy and you need to know that too. This is more your own head telling you to run when everything you need is right here.”
I search her eyes, looking for something, anything that will tell me she’s wrong. That it’s not me, but she’s telling the truth.
I’ve done this. And I have to fix it.
“There she is,” Grace grins, “There’s the Penny I know.”
“Can I borrow your car?”
She drops the keys into my open palm, “I’ve got the kids. Call me later.”
I kiss her cheek and rush back to the car.
Time to fix the mess I made.
Forty-six
Taron
I can’t go one more day without seeing her.
For the past few weeks, my days have been filled with her, I saw her first thing in the morning and last thing at night. She was always there and now she’s absent.
I feel that absence everywhere. I feel it in the way Ripley sulks around the house, I see it when I get home from work and my place is empty. I even see it in the Wrangler still parked out front.
Not even whiskey will cure this pain.
I drink it but I don’t taste it. I inhale it but don’t smell it. Instead with each taste and each inhale, I taste her. I feel her.
The only thing better than a good whiskey is the love of a good woman. I had both and now I have none.
I just need to see her. Once I see her it’ll all be okay. It’ll be the balm to the pain, even if it is just from a distance.
I help Ripley into the back of the car and climb up front, turning the engine and barrelling down the drive, heading straight for Penny’s house. When I pull up, the driveway is empty. I have no idea if Grace is still here, I saw her yesterday, but she could have headed home by now. I leave the engine running as I knock on the door.
No answer.
I try again.
Nothing.
She’ll be here somewhere.
I climb back in the truck and head to the park. Maybe she took Ava out.
Parking the truck, I look across the road and hope springs in my chest when I see Ava playing with Grace’s son.
“Ava!” Ripley yells.
“Come on, sweetheart.” I tell her, unbuckling her from her seat and holding her hand to cross the street. Grace turns to me when I pull open the gate, her dark brows pulling down.
“What are you doing here?” She says, looking behind me as if she’s expecting someone else.
“Is Penny here?” I look around but we’re alone here.
“Oh my God,” she hisses beneath her breath, “You two are useless.”
“What?”
“She left to come looking for you. Stay here. I’ll call her.”
“She was looking for me?”
“Calm down lover boy,” Grace tuts, “Yes, she was looking for you.”
My face splits into a grin as she pulls the phone to her ear and waits for Penny to answer. I fidget on my feet, straining to hear.
“Hey, Pen, can you come back please?” Grace huffs. “He’s not there. Don’t use that tone with me, he’s here. He was looking for you.”
Grace shoves the phone away from her ear when a loud pitched squeal sounds on the other end.
“Okay. Bye.”
Grace waves a hand, “She’s coming back.”
“Now?”
“Yes, now,” she rolls her eyes, “Calm your boots. You two are worse than a couple of kids. How either of you are functioning adults is beyond me.”
Wow Grace was cranky. No wonder Rhett is obsessed with her. He likes them a little feisty.
“Hi Taron,” Ava skips up to me, her big blue eyes bright.
“Hey sweetheart,” I crouch, “And, how are you?”
She nods, “Mommy missed you. I missed you too.”
I smile, “I missed you. I missed your mom.”
“Can we come back now?”
“I’d love to have you back, but I need to speak with your mom first, is that okay?”
I hear the gate behind me, and I freeze, my limbs flooding with nerves. Ava looks over my shoulder and beams, “Well she’s here now.”
I push to my feet, wiping my suddenly sweaty palms on my denim clad thighs.
“Off you go,” Grace says, “I’ll watch the kids whilst you sort whatever it is you need to sort out.”
“Thank you.”
I finally turn and my breath catches. Her green eyes search my face, her bottom lip clamped between her teeth.
“Hi.”
“Hi,” she breathes.
“Do you uh – do you wanna get a coffee?”
She nods, “yes, please.”
She’s so close. My fingers itch to reach out and hold her but I have no idea what will happen if I do so I don’t, instead I follow her out of the park and walk a short distance towards a small coffee shop
. The silence is heavy between us and I feel the awkwardness of it deep inside me. She orders a latte whilst I go for an americano and then we sit in the corner, me on one side, her on the other.
