Carolyn thought about the risk of trusting her gut. She felt the same fear that had pressed in on her during the shadowed hours of her sleepless night. “I don’t know, Mom. I just don’t know.”
“He’s not in a rush, is he?”
“No. I don’t feel as if he’s trying to rush anything between us.”
“What about you? Are you willing to trust your heart?” Carolyn’s mother asked again.
“No.” Carolyn did not pre-think her answer. She didn’t even intend to answer her mother. But there it was. The truth that she had wrestled with most of the night.
“You never were good at hiding the truth,” her mother said. “It shows on your face, and it tumbles out of your mouth. Every time.”
“So I guess that’s it. I’m not willing to give up so much to stay here.”
“But you forget. Your face did not lie to me a moment ago when I asked what your heart is telling you. Your eyes told me you want to stay. You want to stay very much.”
Carolyn nodded. “I do. I’d love to spend more time with you, and like Tikki said, I’d love to take another dance lesson. I’d love to go swimming every day and learn how to make your ropa vieja. And I’d very much like to see what might grow between Bryan and me. But what he is asking is so much. My house, my job …”
“You have a dilemma, then. Your heart is telling you to stay, but your mind is telling you to flee.”
“So what do I do?”
“A donde el corazón se inclina, el pie camina.”
“And what does that bit of wit mean?”
“‘To where the heart is inclined, the feet will follow.’”
The waiter arrived just then with his pad and pen ready. Carolyn’s mother turned to him. She talked, he scribbled. She pointed to Carolyn, and he nodded. Then with a flash of a smile revealing a gold front tooth, he picked up the menus and left.
“Did you order for all of us?” Carolyn asked.
“Yes, I did.” Abuela Teresa settled back in her chair and looked out toward the ocean. “I had no difficulty making the decision. I knew what would be best for all of us. I followed my heart.”
Usually Carolyn found her mother’s wit to be winsome and endearing. At the moment, she felt she should be offended. What an overt message! Her mother’s blood connection to Aunt Frieda certainly was showing.
Tikki bounced up to the table with a big grin. Her new short haircut certainly gave her an extra dose of charm.
“Guess who’s going to go ride camels tomorrow? Us! I just settled it with Bryan.”
“Bryan? Did you call him?”
“No, he’s inside the restaurant.”
“He is?” Carolyn tried to see inside the darkened interior of Al Macaroni, but the only diners she could see were the ones at the window seats.
“I think he’s in a business meeting. They’re at the back of the restaurant. He’ll probably come out because I told him you were both here. He said he’ll pick us up at nine in the morning for the camels.”
Carolyn ate her salad when it arrived and listened to Tikki as she carried the conversation for most of the lunch. The entire time Carolyn’s eye was on the restaurant’s door, watching for Bryan. She felt the same way she had the morning she was hiding out in Aunt Isobel’s kitchen while her mother was in the living room only a few yards away and yet she couldn’t go to her.
The so-close-yet-so-far-away sensation made her wonder what it would be like if she didn’t take the risk and arrange her life so she could be here for a longer period of time near Bryan. What if she didn’t follow her heart to see if this relationship might work out? Would there be a repeat experience down the road in which Carolyn would be in the position Bryan was in when he rode his motorcycle to Cal State Hayward? Would she be the one who might stand back one day and watch as Bryan went to another woman and kissed her, unaware that Carolyn was looking on, regretting that she didn’t act when she had the chance?
¡Tranquila! she shouted to herself. Put all these crazy-making thoughts aside. For now. Be in the moment here with your mother and your daughter.
The internal shaking did its work, and Carolyn reentered the conversation with her mom and Tikki. However, Bryan didn’t exit the restaurant. As they were getting up to leave, she considered for a moment going inside, but what would she say? If he was in the middle of an important business meeting, as Tikki surmised, then Carolyn’s appearance would be a disruption. She could wait. He would be at the apartment at nine in the morning. That would give Carolyn a chance to curl in just enough before then to ask herself all the essential questions and come up with an answer to the life-altering decision that was before her.
Not until Carolyn was watching her mother light her candle and offer her prayers that evening did her day of internal evaluating reap a key insight. Carolyn realized that, when you spend years having something inside that you are secretly angry about, it leaves an open space when that anger is resolved. That space within her was ready to be filled with love. She knew it. But oddly, all day fearful thoughts kept coming to her that it would be easier or at least more familiar if she now filled that opening once again with invisible white anger at something or someone else. Anger still felt familiar. Hope and love and joy did not.
Carolyn got ready for bed and wished she could go to the chapel where Columbus prayed. She would go there right now if she knew for sure she could get inside. She would pray, as Columbus did before he started his journey into unknown waters. Her prayers would be for blessing and protection and for the fear to go away.
Tikki was tucked into her cocoon on the sofa. Alma was covered in her cage. The night sounds through the half-opened window felt familiar. Carolyn double-checked with Tikki about the camel plans in the morning.
“Bryan said he would be here at nine, right?”
“Yes. I told him you and I would be ready. It wasn’t a long conversation because the woman he was with didn’t seem to speak much English, and she didn’t have a very hospitable tone in her voice.”
Carolyn was surprised when Tikki said Bryan was meeting with a woman. “Did he introduce you?”
“Yes, her name was Angelina something.”
Angelina. That makes sense.
“As I said, I could tell I was interrupting. They had papers all over the table, and she was really putting on the body language that she didn’t appreciate my being there; so I just said we would be ready at nine, and that was it.”
“Okay. Well, nine o’clock tomorrow it is. Sleep well.” Carolyn bent over and kissed Tikki on the forehead. She caught a whiff of peppermint.
“I hope you sleep well, too, Mom.”
“Thanks. So do I.” Carolyn slid into bed before her mother was finished with her night preparations. Rolling on her side, Carolyn pretended to be asleep. The imitation of slumber worked so well that she did fall asleep in a few minutes and avoided the anxious contemplation that she had experienced the night before.
She awoke feeling good. Really good. Her first thought, as she smiled at the way the morning breeze was ruffling the lacy bedroom curtains, was, “Good morning, Lord.” Those had been Jeff’s first words every morning. In the same way that Carolyn’s mother lit a candle every morning, Jeff would open his eyes and say, “Good morning, Lord.” Then he would turn to Carolyn, kiss her, and say, “Good morning, Love.” He did that nearly every morning during their marriage that she could remember.
The first morning that she had awakened and he wasn’t beside her had been the worst morning of her life.
That her thoughts turned on this new day immediately to a greeting of “Good morning, Lord” filled Carolyn with hope. She really had experienced a breakthrough in her heart yesterday during the flamenco dance lessons. This was what her mother probably would call “getting your heart back.”
As she slid out of bed and tiptoed into the shower, Carolyn’s second thought that morning was, “I’m going to see Bryan today.” That prospect filled her with more hope and happiness. Stepping into the shower, Carolyn r
emembered the saying from the Columbus Museum next to the hourglass that was turned to mark each new beginning of a twenty-four-hour stretch: “The time spent has been good. The time to come will be better.”
She thought of what a risk Columbus took to set sail without any assurance of what awaited him on the other side of the wide blue distance. But he took the risk. For better or worse, history was changed.
Then, just as effortlessly as the shower’s water poured over her, a peaceful conclusion settled in Carolyn’s mind. It’s worth the risk.
She couldn’t stop smiling. Her heart and her head finally had blended on this decision.
Tikki was up and ready for the shower. Abuela Teresa was in the kitchen making what Carolyn was sure would be too much breakfast for just the three of them. Bryan would have to stay a little while that morning and have some coffee. And some toast. And some of her mother’s delicious scrambled eggs with the small sausages Carolyn remembered seeing in the freezer and could now smell cooking.
She decided on wearing jeans and one of her new tops. She also decided that the first chance she had, she would buy a new pair of shoes. Something cute, stylish, and European-looking. After all, if she was going to be staying for an extended time, she wanted to blend in.
The phone rang. Carolyn was the first to reach for it. She answered with a lot of warmth in her voice, assuming it would be Bryan. To her surprise, it wasn’t Bryan. It was Matthew.
“Is Tikki there?”
“She is, but she’s in the shower, Matt. Do you want me to …” Carolyn wasn’t sure what to say. Take a message? Tell her you called? Her mother’s heart did a loop-de-loop.
Before Carolyn could finish her question, Matthew said, “Listen, don’t tell her I called.”
“Okay.” Carolyn immediately wished she hadn’t agreed to his request. This would be a terribly difficult secret to keep.
“I want to surprise her.”
“Okay,” Carolyn said, feeling her motherly heart take another revolution.
“I know this is going to sound ridiculous, and if you want to give me a lecture, that’s fine. I’ll take it. I love your daughter, and I don’t know why it’s taken me so long to finally admit that to myself.”
“I’m not going to lecture you, Matt.” Carolyn lowered her voice as she heard the water turn off in the bathroom. “When it comes to matters of the heart, it sometimes takes awhile for the heart and mind to come to the same conclusion.”
“Exactly. That’s exactly how it’s been for me. And now that I’ve figured things out, and she’s not here to talk to, it’s torture. I guess it took her leaving to make me realize how much I care for her and how much I look forward to seeing her every day. There’s so much I want to tell her.”
Carolyn smiled. She understood completely. “I’m sure you can talk it through when she gets back to California.”
“Well, actually, I want to talk it through sooner than that. I’m here. I’m in Las Palmas.”
“What?”
“That’s what I meant when I said I hope she isn’t too upset at what I did. I cashed out all my savings and bought a ticket. Her roommate gave me the number for her aunt Marilyn. But when I finally got a hold of her, Marilyn said she knew that Tikki wasn’t in the Canaries. I boarded the plane anyway. I didn’t know what I was going to do if I got here and found out that Tikki was actually in the Bahamas or something.”
“Don’t worry, she’s here. My sister didn’t know she was coming.”
Matt paused. “Well, to be honest, I’m not sure what to do next. Should I come there? I don’t exactly have a plan. This is totally not like me.”
“You did the right thing, Matt.”
“So, can you give me the address? I rented a car here at the airport, and I thought if I could just see her and explain things, maybe she would forgive me, and we could take it from there.”
“I have an idea. This is, of course, entirely up to you, but we’re planning to leave in a little while to go ride camels.”
“Did you say ‘ride camels’?”
“Yes. What if you met us there?”
“Okay, that’s probably better than going to her grandmother’s house. That way, if she wants to kick me in the rear, at least it won’t be in front of her relatives. Tell me the name of the place, and I’ll meet you there.”
The sound of the bathroom door opening prompted Carolyn to hurry and finish the call. She heard Tikki emerging as Carolyn quietly gave Matt the information. He thanked her, saying, “I owe you big time for this.”
Carolyn hung up and tried without much success to subdue the smile on her face. Tikki walked in and said, “You sure look bright and cheery. Let me guess. You were just talking with Bryan. Is everything still set?”
“Yes,” Carolyn said truthfully. “Everything is all set.” She avoided giving any more information by turning the focus on Tikki. “Are you sure you want to wear shorts?”
“I’m sure the camels won’t care.”
“Do you have anything else you could wear?”
“Like what? I’m not wearing my new skirt.”
“What about your khakis?”
“I don’t think they got washed.”
“We can do a quick load this morning while we eat.”
Tikki looked at the clock. “Bryan’s going to be here in ten minutes. We can’t eat and wash and dry a load of clothes in ten minutes. Why does it matter what I wear?”
“I was just thinking you’re going to be sitting in a saddle and …”
“Okay, I get it. Better to be ladylike and save the shorts for down at the pool. I’ll see what I have that’s halfway presentable.”
Tikki went back to the spare room where she had stashed her suitcase, and Carolyn blasted into the kitchen. She grabbed her mother by the shoulders and gave her a big kiss on the back of her head. Carolyn’s mother turned around with a spatula in her hand and a grand smile on her face.
“You’ve decided to say yes, haven’t you? You’re going to stay.”
“No, I mean, yes. I have decided to stay. I haven’t told Bryan yet. But that’s not why I’m so excited.” Carolyn lowered her voice and quickly told her mother about Matthew being here and meeting them in Maspalomas, and how he wanted to surprise Tikki.
Carolyn’s mom’s face turned rosy with delight. “I’ll call Isobel while you’re gone and make all the arrangements.”
“Arrangements?”
“He’ll need a place to stay, and I’m out of beds. He can stay at Isobel’s. How long will he be here?”
“I don’t know.”
With her hands on her hips, Carolyn’s mother said, “How is it that no one ever knows how long they will be staying? You buy a plane ticket in a day and are on the other side of the globe the next. I don’t understand how everything got to be so quick. So much speed and technology. Yet no details for the abuela.”
“I know. It is a fast world. But I plan to slow down now that I’ve decided to stay here, Mom. You can teach me the fine art of sauntering in the weeks ahead. Not today though. We need to eat quickly and leave as soon as Bryan shows up. And remember,” Carolyn put her finger to her lips, “Tikki doesn’t know.”
“Tikki doesn’t know what?” Carolyn’s quiet-as-a-mouse daughter’s entrance to the kitchen had been masked by the sizzling of the sausages in the frying pan and the fan over the stove.
Carolyn quickly said, “Nothing.”
“Oh, but it is something, Carolyn,” her mother said, pulling a quick save in the moment. “It’s something wonderful, and I think you need to tell your daughter what you’ve decided about what you’re going to do.”
“Oh, yes, well …” Carolyn turned to face Tikki. “I’ve just come to the conclusion that I am going to stay here. With Grandma. I’m going to take a leave of absence from work so that I can be with her longer and …”
“And spend more time with Bryan,” Tikki added with a twinkle. “He told me at the restaurant yesterday that he would be staying on unt
il he settled his stepmother’s estate. The woman at the table with him looked as if she really didn’t like hearing that.”
“It was his stepsister,” Carolyn’s mother said. “Of course she didn’t like hearing that.”
“Oh, I didn’t realize that’s who she was. This is starting to make more sense. But forget her. What’s going on with you and this decision to stay?”
Carolyn stepped closer to Tikki and looked in her eyes. “I was going to talk with you about all this, Tikki, but I wanted to wait until you and I had a chance to sit down and …”
Tikki seated herself at the kitchen table. She crossed her arms, holding on to her elbows. “Okay. Sit down then. Let’s talk.”
Carolyn pulled out the chair across from her very mature-appearing daughter. “I’ve been thinking about this for the last day or so. Bryan asked if I’d consider staying so we would have a chance to see if there’s anything that might grow between us.”
“Mom, I think you and Abuela and I all know that something already is growing between the two of you. It’s obvious.”
“Well, yes, I agree. But I didn’t want to stay if it would be too difficult for you if I lived so far away for a little while.”
“How long is a little while?”
“I’m not sure. Possibly through the summer.”
A hint of sadness brushed over Tikki’s expression.
“What are you thinking, honey?”
“I’m thinking I’ll miss you.”
“I’ll miss you too.”
“But you know what? Mom, it’s your turn to get a life.”
Carolyn smiled.
“Do you remember when I first told you that I wanted to go to college at Rancho Corona even though it was a nine-hour drive from home? You said to me, ‘Teresa Katharine, you are a Woman of Options,’ and then you let me make the decision, and you supported me. It was a memorable moment because you so rarely called me by my full name. I knew you were giving me your blessing to become an adult, live my life, and make my own disasters or triumphs.”
“Yes, I remember that day.”
Tikki became misty-eyed. “Obviously, I’ve had both the triumphs and the disasters. But I’ve never forgotten what you told me. I am a Woman of Options. And so are you. You’re free, Mom. Totally free. It’s your turn to live your own life and not to worry about me or Marilyn or anyone else.”
Canary Island Song Page 24
