We left the boys to the dishes and decided to go for another walk, and enjoy the evening air. After a while, we stopped and dropped to the ground, laying next to each other on the grass and staring up at the vast night sky, which was currently twinkling with millions of stars.
“It’s so beautiful here,” Ginger said, her voice filled with awe. “I don’t know if I’ve ever seen that many stars.”
“I know, it’s pretty magical. Sometimes I think it’d be nice to bring a blanket out one night and sleep under them. Fall asleep as I tried to count them all.”
Ginger turned her head to me and said, “You should. Why not? I think we need to make an effort to enjoy more of the simple things in life, ya know?”
“Like now,” I said in response, turning my head so I could look her in the eye.
“Yeah,” she said, and we both smiled.
“I’m so glad you came.”
“Me too. I’ve been thinking … Maybe Vegas isn’t the place I want to be anymore.”
“Really? Would you go back to Dallas?”
“I don’t know … I don’t think so. I’m not really sure what I want to do with my life. The skills that I’ve acquired aren’t really transferrable, but I’m tired of being there. Seeing the change that you’ve made in your life has inspired me, Belle. I want to be better.”
“Then you will be,” I answered, reaching my hand out to hold hers tightly. “You can do anything you set your mind to. And I still have to figure out what’s next too, so if you’re serious about moving, let me know. Maybe we can do something together.”
“But what about the ranch, and Luke and Matty?” Ginger asked gently.
“It was always just supposed to be temporary,” I responded, sadness punching me swiftly at the thought of leaving. “Once Ms. Lucille comes back, I’ll be looking for a new job and a place to live.”
We enjoyed the rest of our time together, and when I dropped Ginger off at the airport, it was with a heavy heart.
“I’ll miss you,” I said as I hugged her goodbye.
“Well see each other soon,” she promised.
And as I watched her walk away, I felt comforted by the knowledge that once I left the ranch, it wouldn’t be to face life alone.
Chapter 33
“Hey.”
I looked up, startled to see Luke in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon. It was unusual for him to come by the house during the weekday; he was always so busy.
“Hi,” I said tentatively, then asked, “Is everything okay?”
“Yeah.” He held his hat in his hand, toying with the brim almost as if he were nervous, which I found puzzling. “I know you’ve been down since your friend left, so I thought I’d stop by and steal you away for a ride.”
“A ride?” I asked, giving the counter one last wipe before folding the towel and placing it over the rack.
“If you have time…”
I looked around the spotless kitchen and realized that I did.
“Um, yes, I have time. The stew is in the crockpot, and I won’t need to do the bread and salad until closer to dinner,” I offered, then cocked my head and asked, “What sort of ride are you talking about?”
“The good kind,” Luke said with a grin and a wink, which automatically filled my head with naughty visions.
He held out his hand and I placed mine shakily in it, then followed as he led me, not toward the bedroom, but out the front door.
I stepped onto the porch and dug my feet in when I saw Skywalker standing there, watching us thoughtfully.
“You mean, on him?”
Luke chuckled and gave my hand a little tug, then pulled me down the stairs.
I looked warily at the horse, who I’d met and petted, but had never got up on.
“It’ll be great,” Luke assured me. “I’ll do all the work. All you have to do is sit there and enjoy the ride.”
His words weren’t doing anything to calm the feelings of desire that had stirred after his first double entendre.
“I don’t know…”
“Well, I do; now up you go.” He put one of my hands on the handle thing of the saddle, and the other on his shoulder, then put out his hand to give me a boost up. It wasn’t graceful, but I made it onto the horse, then lost my breath when he swung himself up effortlessly behind me.
As his thighs settled against mine and his muscular chest brushed against my back, I began to see the merit in his proposition. Still, when Skywalker started moving, I gripped that handle for dear life.
“Easy,” Luke murmured in my ear, causing a delicious tingle to travel through my body. “Don’t tense up. I’ve got you; just relax and let the horse do the work.”
After a while, I was lulled by the slow pace and the feel of Luke’s hard length pressed against me, and I felt some of the tension ease. It was actually kind of peaceful, trotting along under the heat of the sun, and I found myself enjoying everything about the moment.
We were traveling along a part of the property that I must not have discovered yet. Nothing looked familiar. And when the trees broke and we entered a clearing that showcased a sparkling pond with a walk-out dock and a couple rowboats, I wondered how many other secret discoveries awaited me on Luke’s land.
“It’s so beautiful!” I exclaimed, my voice filled with awe as I watched the water shimmer as if it were filled with diamonds.
“Once it’s really warm, we come out here all of the time. It’s Matty’s favorite place.”
“I can see why.”
We came to a stop and Luke hopped down, then offered his hands up to help lift me off the horse and to the ground.
Once we were both on our feet he said, “It’s probably still way too cold to swim, but I thought you might like to sit on the dock. Maybe put our feet in.”
I smiled up at Luke, taking in the shadows of his face under his cowboy hat, and was struck by how thoughtful he was. “That sounds wonderful.”
He surprised me by taking my hand in his and holding it as we walked down the dock, the wood creaking slightly with each step. I listened to the lap of the water hitting underneath, and let out a happy sigh as I let my senses take it all in.
We took off our shoes and I let out a sharp squeal when my feet hit the frigid water.
“Cold?” Luke asked with a chuckle.
I laughed off my high-pitched reaction and nodded.
“It definitely warms up in the summer, but always keeps a little chill, never getting too warm.”
We leaned back on our elbows and enjoyed our surroundings, Luke pointing out a few ducks as they landed on the far side of the pond.
“Are you happy here?” Luke asked softly.
“Yes, very,” I replied enthusiastically. “You have a wonderful home here, Luke. It’s so wonderful for you, your father, and Matty, that you get to do what you love every day and be with the people who matter the most. I’ve loved getting to know everyone, and honestly, being here has made me appreciate the simple things again … Staring up at the stars, making a meal for people I care about, even getting up on a horse for the first time.”
The last I said with a sweet smile, which he returned. I caught the intent in his eye before he made his move, but I didn’t tell him to stop or move away. I wanted him to kiss me.
Luke brought a hand up to cup my face tenderly, then moved it around to the back of my head and pulled me close, so our lips met halfway. It started soft, gently, probing … then I opened my mouth and offered myself to him. He immediately deepened the kiss, his lips branding mine as he eagerly acquainted his mouth with mine. I moaned softly in the back of my throat as he leaned in to me.
I allowed myself to fall back slowly, his hand coming up to cradle my head as it gently touched the ground. Luke followed my lead, his body leaning over mine, his hands coming to either side of my head, bracing his weight. I opened my legs, offering him an alternate place to put some of his weight, and fire exploded through me as he accepted that offer.
Hi
s hard, taut body nestled snuggly against me … We held nothing back. I felt alive. On fire. Fully in the moment and loving every second. I pushed my hands up, into Luke’s thick, silky hair, and I tugged slightly, causing him to groan and nip playfully at my bottom lip before sucking it in his mouth and scraping his teeth lightly as he let it loose.
He pulled up, both of us breathing raggedly, and placed his forehead against mine. His breath was coming in gasps, and even though I was affected the same way, I couldn’t help the grin of satisfaction that slid over my face. I liked that I made him feel that way. A little reckless, a lot turned on. It was the same way he made me feel.
“We should probably head back. Matty will be home soon,” Luke said, his voice still thick with need.
“Yeah,” I replied, my heart beginning to slow and reason returning to my head. What am I doing? I thought as I sat up abruptly.
I stood and acted like I was smoothing down my clothes, but I was really trying to figure out how to face Luke after my enthusiastic display.
I was so confused…
Something dark caught the corner of my eye, and I turned to see Luke’s hat floating by in the water. I brought my hand to my mouth, stifling back a giggle as I caught Luke’s eye and said, “I’m so sorry.”
I must have knocked his hat off his head and into the water when I’d had the visceral need to have my hands in his hair.
Luke grinned and ran a hand over his ruffled hair. “That’s okay, I’ve got plenty.”
“Are you sure you don’t want me to fish it out?” I offered, feeling bad.
We were back on Skywalker when Luke said, “I really like you, Belle.”
My stomach clenched, and I was glad he was sitting behind me and couldn’t see my face. I was sure my uncertainty was obvious.
When I didn’t say anything, he pressed on, “I know you have a lot going on, but I’d like to see what’s between us, and where it may lead. I’d like to think, after what just happened, that you feel the same way, but if you don’t, please just be honest with me.”
Although I was a jumble of emotions, I wouldn’t lie to Luke and tell him I didn’t feel something, because although it was mixed in with the guilt, fear, and doubt, I was more than just attracted to him.
“I like you too,” I began, then added, “But…”
“No, no but. That’s enough for now.” I could hear the smile in Luke’s voice, and I worried about getting his hopes up, when I had no idea what I wanted.
When we cantered around to the front of the house, I felt my stomach dip when I saw that Matty was already home, and the guilt hit again that I was off making out with his father, rather then being where I was supposed to be. Then, my world tilted when I saw that sitting next to him on the porch, was Ms. Lucille.
Chapter 34
I can admit now that I panicked. I kind of lost it.
With everything that had just happened at the pond between Luke and myself, then with both of us admitting that we had feelings with each other, I was in a fragile state. My emotions were on my sleeve, and seeing Ms. Lucille sitting on the porch with Matty turned the blood in my veins to ice and I ran.
Not literally. I mean, I didn’t take off running like a crazy person, but I didn’t stick around either.
I plastered a smile on my face for Matty and Lucille, and went inside. I could hear Lucille tell Luke that they needed to talk, after he asked how her grandchild was, but I lost the strains of their voices as I hurried down the hall to my room.
I grabbed my purse and my keys, then rushed unseen out the back door and got in my car. I didn’t look to see the expressions on their faces as I drove past the house and down Luke’s street, instead keeping my eyes straight as my heart pounded loudly in my chest.
This is what I’d been afraid of … Right when I let my guard down and admitted that I was falling for the man of Hope Heals Ranch, it was all going to be taken away from me, just like Ricky.
I drove into Charleston in full panic mode, not even knowing my destination, just knowing I needed to be as far away from Ms. Lucille’s welcome home as possible.
And that made me feel guilty too. Why shouldn’t they be happy to have Ms. Lucille home? She’d been there first. She’d worked at that ranch for most of her life, and was deeply ingrained in their family. It was hateful for me to wish she hadn’t come back. I knew that, but couldn’t help feeling it anyway.
I parked in the same lot that Ginger and I had been to less than a week before and walked. I thought and walked until I was in the same row of restaurants and bars that we’d eaten at with Jones.
I paused in front of an Irish pub, standing outside the door looking in, for probably longer than was normal, weighing my options.
I should call Sarah. We’d spoken after Ginger left, and she was pleased that all of my friends made such an effort to shield me from drinking. She didn’t think I should feel bad about it at all, but rather I should be grateful that I had people in my life who cared about me that much.
I didn’t want to call Sarah, because I knew she’d tell me not to go in the pub.
I went in the pub.
I love bars and clubs, but nothing beats the feel of a pub. The warm feel of the wood, the catchy music playing in the background, and the sight of a bartender chatting up his patrons, as he pulled a pint of Guinness.
I’d always loved going to pubs the most. Ricky and I had a favorite one in San Diego, and would go there to meet friends, or to just hang out and chat with each other as we enjoyed a Black & Tan.
I eased myself up on a barstool at the far corner of the bar, where I could be alone but still see what was going on around me. Of course, I wasn’t really paying attention to the other people in the bar; I was too busy waging a war within myself.
“What can I get for you?” the bartender asked from a few feet away.
“I need a few minutes,” I said, not bothering to look up.
I ran my hand along the shiny smooth surface of the bar as I thought about my choices.
Would it really be the end of the world if I had one drink?
I thought about Ricky, and wondered how he’d feel about the choices I’d made since he died.
One drink wouldn’t hurt…
I knew he’d be disappointed that I’d let myself get so low, but proud of me for bringing myself back. And if I was honest, he’d think Luke was a good man.
Maybe a Long Island, for old time’s sake.
I thought about the joy on Matty’s face when he figured out a tough homework problem, or beat his high score on a video game.
Just one … to take the edge off … to numb myself a bit.
I thought about the look on Luke’s face when he looked at his son, and the sweet look he’d given me before he lowered his body onto mine on the dock.
After one beer, maybe this ache in my chest will go away…
I thought about Hank calling me pretty girl, or some such compliment every time he saw me, and how proud he was of the man his son had become.
Maybe just one shot, then I’d leave…
I thought about taking late-night walks with Luke and Matty, the sounds of crickets following us as we talked and laughed. The feel of the crisp evening air, letting us know winter wasn’t quite done with us yet.
Or maybe, I’ll just drink until the sadness goes away.
Even if Ricky wouldn’t feel betrayed by my moving on, I was wishing for something I couldn’t have, and was about to be left alone again. Only this time, I wasn’t only losing my husband; I was losing Luke, Matty, Hank, Jones, and even Skywalker. I was losing a place that I’d come to love and feel accepted in.
I don’t know how long I sat there, but after the bartender came back for the fifth time, I was ready to order.
“What are you doing here, Belle?”
My eyes left the bartender’s and shot to the left, and I was shocked to see Jones standing there, his face filled with worry.
“Jones,” I said dumbly, trying to figure o
ut how he got to be here in this bar, at this moment. “What are you doing here?”
“I work near here, remember?” he explained, his eyes searching my face. “Some of the guys and I came in to catch a bite after work.”
I looked around him to see a table filled with burgers, beer, and guys in suits talking as they ate.
“Oh.”
“What are you doing here?” he asked again.
“Were you here the whole time?” I asked, confused as to how I didn’t see them come in.
“Yeah, I saw you come in,” Jones said, running a hand over his mouth. “You’ve been sitting here for almost forty minutes, Belle … What’s going on?”
Forty minutes? Sheesh. How embarrassing to think that Jones had been watching me the whole time. He must think I’m nuts.
“Ma’am, did you say you were ready to order?” the bartender asked, probably needing to move on and help his other guests.
“Yeah, she’ll have a burger,” Jones said, then he turned to me and added, “They’re really good here.”
The bartender looked to me for confirmation, so I gave him a small nod.
“That’s what you are here for, right? Something to eat?” I could tell by the look on Jones’s face that he was giving me an out. He knew I’d been struggling with wanting a drink, but he wasn’t going to call me on it.
“Yes,” I lied, then broke down and said, “Thanks, Jones.”
Rather than smile and accept my gratitude, he got a weird look on his face and said, “Don’t thank me, you’re not getting off that easy.”
I looked at him, confused, then looked up when the door jingled, signaling a new arrival, and I saw Luke striding toward me with a purpose.
I turned to Jones with accusation in my eyes, but he just shrugged and said, “Sorry, Belle, darling, I had to do it.” Then he leaned over and smoothed my hair down in an almost brotherly gesture and said, “Just looking out for you.”
The anger melted as his intention became clear, and I braced myself as I watched Luke get nearer, his face a mixture of sadness, anger, and fear.
“What happened?” he asked when he reached me, and I noticed Jones slip away quietly. “You just left. No explanation, not a word … and then Jones calls and tells me that you showed up here, looking lost and alone. Why didn’t you call?”
More Than Exist Page 13
